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  • Title: Englishmen For My Money (Quarto 1, 1616)
  • Editor: Natalie Aldred

    • ISBN:

    Copyright Digital Renaissance Editions. This text may be freely used for educational, non-profit purposes; for all other uses contact the Editor.
    Author: William Haughton
    Editor: Natalie Aldred
    Not Peer Reviewed

    Englishmen For My Money (Quarto 1, 1616)

    Enter Haruie, Heigham, and Walgraue.
    Haruy. Goes the case so well signor bottle-nose?
    1425It may be we shall ouerreach your drift;
    This is the time the Wenches sent vs word
    Our bumba st Dutchman and his mates will come.
    Well neat Italian, you mu st don my shape:
    Play your part well, or I may haps pay you.
    1430What, speechle s s e Ned? fayth whereon muse st thou?
    Tis on your French coriuall, for my life:
    Hee come, ete Uo stre , and so forth,
    Till he hath foy sted in a Brat or two?
    How then, how then?
    1435 Walg. Swounds Ile geld him fir st,
    Ere that infe stious loszell reuell there.
    Well Matt, I thinke thou know st what Ned can doe;
    Should st thou change Ned for Noddy, mee for him,
    Thou did st not know thy lo s s e, yfayth thou did st not.
    1440 Heigh. Come leaue this idle chatte, and lets prouide
    Which of vs shall be scar-crow to these Fooles,
    And set them out the way?
    Walg. Why that will I.
    Haru. Then put a Sword into a mad-mans hand:
    1445Thou art so ha sty, that but cro s s e thy humour,
    And thou't be ready cro s s e them ore the pates:
    Therefore for this time, Ile supply the rome.
    Heigh. And so we shall be sure of chatt enough;
    Youle hold them with your floutes and gulls so long,
    1450That all the night will scarcely be enough
    To put in practise, what we haue deuisde:
    Come, come, Ile be the man shall doe the deed.
    Haru. Well, I am content to saue your longing.
    But soft, where are we? Ha, heere's the house,
    1455Come let vs take our stands: Fraunce stand you there,
    And Ned and I will cro s s e t'other side.
    Heigh. Doe so: But hu sh, I heare one pa s s ing hither.
    Enter Aluaro.
    Aluar. Oh de fauourable aspe ct of de heauen, tis so ob-
    1460 scure, so darke, so blacke dat no mortalle creature can
    know de me: I pray a Dio I sal haue de reight Wench: Ah
    si I be recht, here be de huis of signor Pisaro, I sall haue de
    madona Marina, and daruour I sall knocke to de dore.
    He knockes.
    1465 Heigh. What a pox are you mad or druncke;
    What, doe you meane to breake my Gla s s es?
    . Wat be dat Gla s s e? Wat druncke, wat mad?
    Heigh. What Gla s s es sir; why my Gla s s es: and if you
    be so crancke, Ile call the Con stable; you will not enter
    1470into a mans house (I hope) in spight of him?
    Haru. Nor dur st you be so bold as to stand there,
    Yf once the Mai ster of the House did know it.
    Alua. Is dit your Hous? be you de Signor of dis Ca s s a?
    Heigh. Signor me no signors, nor ca s s a me no ca s s as:
    1475But get you hence, or you are like to ta ste of the Ba stinado.
    Heigh. Do, do, good Ferdinand, pummell the logerhead.
    Alua. Is this neit the Hous of me ster Pisaro?
    Heigh.Yes marry when? can you tell: how doe you?
    I thanke you heartily, my finger in your mouth.
    1480 Alua. Wat be dat?
    Heigh. Marry that you are an A s s e and a Logerhead,
    To seeke mai ster Pisaros house heere.
    Alua. I prey de gratia, wat be dis pla she?
    Wat doe ye call dit strete?
    1485 Heigh. What sir; why Leaden-hall, could you not see
    the foure Spoutes as you came along?
    Alua. Certenemento Leaden hall, I hit my hed by de way,
    dare may be de voer Spouts: I prey de gratia, wi sh be de
    wey to Crochefriers?
    1490 Heigh. How, to Croched-friers? Marry you mu st goe
    along till you come to the Pumpe, and then turne on your
    right hand.
    Alua. Signor, adio. Exit Aluaro.
    Haru. Farewell, and be hang'd Signor:
    1495Now for your fellow, if the A s s e would come.
    Enter Delion.
    Delio. By my trot me doe so mush tincke of dit Gentle-
    woman de fine Wen she, dat me tincke e sh houer ten day,
    and e sh day ten yeare, till I come to her: Here be de huise
    1500of sin vader, sall alle and knocke. He knocks.
    Heigh. What a bots ayle you, are you madd?
    Will you runne ouer me and breake my Gla s s es?
    Delio. Gla s s es, wat Gla s s es? Prey is mon sieur Pisaro to
    de mayson?
    1505 Haru. Harke Ned, there's thy sub staunce
    Walg. Nay by the Ma s s e, the sub stannce's heere,
    The shaddow's but an A s s e.
    Heigh. What Mai ster Pisaro?
    Logerhead, heere's none of your Pisaros?
    1510 Delio. Yes but dit is the houis of me ster Pisaro.
    Walg. Will not this mon sieur Motley take his answer?
    Ile goe and knocke the a s s e about the pate.
    Haru. Nay by your leaue sir, but Ile hold your wor ship.
    This sturre we should haue had, had you stood there.
    1515 Walg. Why, would it not vexe one to heare the a s s e,
    Stand prating here of dit and dan, and den and dog?
    Haur. One of thy mettle Ned, would surely doe it:
    But peace, and harke to the re st.
    Delio. Doe no de fine Gentlewoman matre s s e Mathea
    1520dwell in dit Pla she?
    Heigh. No sir, here dwels none of your fine Gantle-wo-
    man: Twerre a good deed sirra, to see who you are;
    You come hither to steale my Gla s s es.
    And then counterfeite you are going to your Queanes.
    1525 Delio. I be deceu dis darke neight; here be no Wen she,
    I be no in de right pla she: I prey Mon sieur, wat be name
    dis Streete, and wi sh be de way to Cro she-friers?
    Heigh. Marry this is Fanchurch- streete,
    And the be st way to Crotched-friers, is to follow your nose
    1530 Delio. Uan she streete , how shaunce me come to Van she
    streete? vell mon sieur, me mu st alle to Croche-friers.
    Exit Delion.
    Walg. Farewell fortipence, goe seeke your Signor,
    I hope youle finde your selues two Dolts anone:
    1535Hu sh Ferdinand, I heare the la st come stamping hither.
    Enter Frisco.
    Frisc. Ha sirra, I haue left my fatte Dutchman, and runne
    my selfe almo st out of breath too: now to my young mis -
    tre s s es goe I, some body ca st an old shoe after me: but soft,
    1540how shall I doe to counterfeite the Dutchman, be cause
    I speake Engli sh so like a naturall; Tu sh, take you no
    thought for that, let me alone for Squintum squantum: soft,
    her's my Mai sters house,
    Heigh. Whose there.
    1545 Frisc. Whose there, why sir here is: Nay that's too good
    Engli sh ; Why here be de growtte Dutchman.
    Heigh. Then theres not onely a growte head, but an
    A s s e also.
    Frisc. What be yoo, yoo be an Engli sh Oxe to call a gen-
    1550tle moan A s s e.
    Haru. Harke Ned yonders good greeting.
    Frisc. But yoo, and yoo be Mai ster Mouse that dwell
    here, tell your matre s s a Laurentia datt her sweete harte
    Mai ster Vandall would speake with horde.
    1555 Heigh. Mai ster Mendall, gette you gon, lea st you get
    a broken Pate and so marre all: here's no entrance for mis -
    stres Laurentios sweete heart.
    Frisc. Gods sacaren watt is the luck now,
    Shall not I come to my friend mai ster Pisar Hoose?
    1560 Heigh. Yes and to mai ster Pisaros Shoes too, if hee or
    they were here.
    Frisc. Why my groute friend, M. Pisaro doth dwel here.
    Heigh. Sirra, you lye, heere dwells no body but I, that
    haue dwelt here this one & forty yeares, and sold Gla s s es.
    1565 Walg. Lye farder, one and fi fty at the lea st.
    Fris .Hoo, hoo, hoo; do you giue the Gentleman the ly?
    Haru. I sir, and will giue you a licke of my Cudgell, if
    yee stay long and trouble the whole streete with your
    bawling: hence dolt, and goe seeke M. Pisaros House.
    1570 Frisc. Goe seeke M. Pisaros House;
    Where shall I goe seeke it?
    Hegh. Why, you shall goe seeke it where it is.
    Frisc. That is here in Crodched-friers.
    Heigh. How Loger-head, is Croched-friers heere?
    1575I thought you were some such drunken A s s e,
    That come to seeke Croched-friers in Tower- streete:
    But get you along on your left hand, and be hang'd;
    You haue kept me out of my Bedd with your bangling,
    A good while longer then I would haue been.
    1580 Frisc. Ah, ah, How is this? Is not this Croched-friers?
    Tell mee, Ile hold a Crowne they gaue me so much Wine
    at the Tauerne, that I am druncke, and know not ont.
    Haru. My Dutchman's out his Compa s s & his Card;
    Hee's reckning what Winde hath droue him hither:
    1585Ile sweare hee thinkes neuer to see Pisaros.
    Frisc. Nay tis so, I am sure druncke; Soft let mee see,
    what was I about? Oh now I haue it, I mu st goe to my
    Mai sters house and counterfeite the Dutchman, and get
    my young Mi stre s s e: well, and I mu st turne on my left
    1590hand, for I haue forgot the way quite and cleane:
    Fare de well good friend, I am a siimple Dutchman I.
    Exit Frisco.
    Heigh.Faire weather after you. And now my Laddes,
    Haue I not plide my part as I should doe?
    1595 Haru. Twas well, twas well: But now let's ca st about,
    To set these Woodcocks farder from the House,
    And afterwards returne vnto our Girles.
    Walg. Content, content; come, come make ha ste. Exeunt.
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