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  • Title: Englishmen For My Money (Quarto 1, 1616)
  • Editor: Natalie Aldred

    • ISBN:

    Copyright Digital Renaissance Editions. This text may be freely used for educational, non-profit purposes; for all other uses contact the Editor.
    Author: William Haughton
    Editor: Natalie Aldred
    Not Peer Reviewed

    Englishmen For My Money (Quarto 1, 1616)

    Enter Pisaro and Frisco.
    Pisa. Are Wood & Coales brought vp to make a fire?
    Is the meate spitted ready to lie downe:
    2245For Bakemeates Ile haue none, the world's too hard:
    There's Geese too, now I remember mee;
    Bid Mawdlin lay the Giblets in Pa st,
    Here's nothing thought vpon, but what I doe.
    Stay Frisco, see who ringes: looke to the Dore,
    2250Let none come in I charge, were he my Father,
    Ile keepe them whil st I haue them: Frisco, who is it?
    Frisc. She is come ynfayth.
    Pisa. Who is come?
    Frisc. Mi stres Su shaunce, Mi stres Moores daughter.
    2255 Pisa. Mi stris Susan, A s s e? Oh she mu st come in.
    Frisc. Hang him, if he keepe out a Wench:
    Yf the Wench keepe not out him, so it is.
    Enter Walgraue in Womans attire.
    Pisa. Welcome Mi stris Susan, welcome;
    2260I little thought you would haue come to night;
    But welcome (tru st me) are you to my house:
    What, doth your Mother mende? doth she recouer?
    I promise you I am sorry for her sickne s s e.
    Walg. She's better then she was, I thanke God for it,
    2265 Pisa. Now afore God she is a sweete smugge Girle,
    One might doe good on her; the fle sh is frayle,
    Man hath infirmitie, and such a Bride,
    Were able to change Age to hot de sire:
    Harke you Sweet-heart,
    2270To morrow are my Daughters to be wedde,
    I pray you take the paines to goe with them.
    Walg. If sir youle giue me leaue, Ile waight on them.
    Pisa. Yes marry shall you, and a thousand thankes,
    Such company as you my Daughters want,
    2275Maydes mu st grace Maydes, when they are married:
    I st not a merry life (thinkes thou) to wed,
    For to imbrace, and be imbrac'd abed.
    Walg. I know not what you meane sir.
    Heere's an old Ferret Pol-cat.
    2280 Pisa. You may doe, if youle follow mine aduice;
    I tell thee Mouse, I knew a Wench as nice:
    Well, shee's at re st poore soule, I meane my Wife,
    That thought (alas good heart) Loue was a toy,
    Vntill (well, that time is gon and pa st away)
    2285But why speake I of this: Harke yee Sweeting,
    There's more in Wedlocke, then the name can shew;
    And now (birlady) you are ripe in yeares:
    And yet take heed Wench, there lyes a Pad in Straw;
    Walg. Old Fornicator, had I my Dagger,
    2290Ide breake his Co stard.
    Pisa. Young men are slippery, fickle, wauering;
    Con stant abiding graceth none but Age:
    Then Maydes should now waxe wise, and doe so,
    As to chuse con stant men, let fickle goe,
    2295Youth's vnregarded, and vnhonoured:
    An auncient Man doth make a Mayde a Matron:
    And is not that an Honour, how say you? how say you?
    Walg. Yes forsooth.
    (Oh old lu st will you neuer let me goe.)
    2300 Pisa. You say right well, and doe but thinke thereon,
    How Husbands, honored yeares, long card-for wealth,
    Wise stayedne s s e, Experient gouernment,
    Doth grace the Mayde, that thus is made a Wife,
    And you will wi sh your selfe such, on my life.
    2305 Walg. I thinke I mu st turne womankind altogeather,
    And scratch out his eyes:
    For as long as he can see me, hele nere let me goe.
    Pisa. But goe (sweet-heart) to bed, I doe thee wrong,
    The latene s s e now, makes all our talke seeme long.
    2310 Enter Anthony.
    How now Mowche, be the Girles abed?
    Anth. Mathea (and it like you) faine would sleepe,
    but onely tarrieth for her bed-fellow.
    Pisa. Ha, you say well: come, light her to her Chamber,
    2315Good re st wi sh I to thee; wi sh so to mee,
    Then Susan and Pisaro shall agree:
    Thinke but what ioy is neere your bed-fellow,
    Such may be yours; take counsaile of your Pillow:
    To morrow weele talke more; and so good night,
    2320Thinke what is sayd, may bee, if all hit right.
    Walg. What, haue I pa st the Pikes: knowes he not Ned?
    I thinke I haue deseru'd his Daughters bed.
    Anth. Tis well, tis well: but this let me reque st,
    You keepe vnknowne, till you be laide to re st:
    2325And then a good hand speed you.
    Walg. Tut, nere feare mee,
    We two abed shall neuer disagree. Exeunt Antho. & Walg.
    Frisc. I haue stood still all this while, and could not
    speake for laughing: Lord what a Dialogue hath there bin
    2330betweene Age and Youth. You do good on her? euen as
    much as my Dutchman will doe on my young Mi stris:
    Mai ster, follow my counsaile; then send for M. Heigham
    to helpe him, for Ile lay my Cappe to two Pence, that hee
    will be a sleepe to morrow at night, when he should goe to
    2335bed to her: Marry for the Italian, he is of an other humor,
    for there'le be no dealings with him, till midnight; for hee
    mu st slauer all the Wenches in the house at parting, or he is
    no body: hee hath been but a little while at our House, yet
    in that small time, hee hath lickt more Grease from our
    2340 Mawdlins lippes, then would haue seru'd London Kitchin-
    stuffe this tweluemonth. Yet for my money, well fare the
    Frenchman, Oh hee is a forward Lad, for heele no sooner
    come from the Church, but heele fly to the Chamber; why
    heele read his Le s s on so often in the day time, that at night
    2345like an apt Scholler, heele be ready to sell his old Booke to
    buye him a new. Oh the generation of Languages that
    our House will bring foorth: why euery Bedd will haue a
    propper speach to himselfe, and haue the Founders name
    written vpon it in faire Cappitall letters, Heere lay, and so
    2350foorth.
    Pisa. Youle be a villaine still: Looke who's at dore?
    Frisc. Nay by the Ma s s e, you are M. Porter, for Ile be
    hang'd if you loose that office, hauing so pretty a morsell
    vnder your keeping: I goe (old huddle) for the be st Nose
    2355at smelling out a Pin-fold, that I know: well, take heede,
    you may happes pick vp Wormes so long, that at length
    some of them get into your Nose, and neuer out after: But
    what an A s s e am I to thinke so, con sidering all the Lodg-
    inges are taken vp already, and there's not a Dog-kennell
    2360empty for a strange Worme to breed in.
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