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  • Title: Englishmen For My Money (Quarto 1, 1616)
  • Editor: Natalie Aldred

    • ISBN:

    Copyright Digital Renaissance Editions. This text may be freely used for educational, non-profit purposes; for all other uses contact the Editor.
    Author: William Haughton
    Editor: Natalie Aldred
    Not Peer Reviewed

    Englishmen For My Money (Quarto 1, 1616)

    955 Enter Laurentia, Marina, and Mathea.
    Lauren. Sit till dinners done; not I, I sweare:
    Shall I stay? till he belch into mine eares
    Those ru sticke Phrases, and those Dutch French tearmes,
    Stammering halfe Sentences dogbolt Elloquence:
    960And when he hath no loue for-sooth, why then
    Hee tels me Cloth is deare at Anwerpe, and the men
    of Am sterdam haue lately made a law,
    That none but Dutch as hee, may trafficke there:
    Then standes he still and studies what to say;
    965And after some halfe houre, because the A s s e
    Hopes (as he thinkes) I shall not contradict him,
    Hee tells me that my Father brought him to me,
    And that I mu st performe my Fathers will.
    Well good-man Goose-cap, when thou woe st againe,
    970Thou shalt haue simple ease, for thy Loues paine.
    Mathe. Alas poore Wench, I sorrow for thy hap,
    To see how thou art clog'd with such a Dunce:
    Forsooth my Sire hath fitted me farre better,
    My Frenchman comes vpon me with the Sa, sa, sa ;
    975Sweete Madam pardone moye I pra:
    And then out goes his Hand, downe goes his Head,
    Swallowes his Spittle, frisles his Beard, and then to mee:
    Pardone moy mi s s tre s s e Mathea,
    If I be bold, to macke so bold met you,
    980 Thinke it go will dat stirres me dus up yow.
    Dan ca st neit off so good ande true Louer,
    Madama cele stura de la, (I know not what)
    Doe oft pray to God dat me woud loue her:
    And then hee reckons a catalogue of names
    985of such as loue him, and yet cannot get him.
    Mari. Nay, but your Mon sieur's but a Mouse in cheese,
    Compard with my Signor; hee can tell
    Of Lady Uenus, and her Sonne blind Cupid:
    Of the faire Scilla that was lou'd of Glaucus,
    990And yet scornd Glaucus, and yet lou'd King Minos;
    Yet Minos hated her, and yet she holp'd him;
    And yet he scorn'd her, yet she kild her Father
    To doe her good; yet he could not abide her:
    Nay, hele be bawdy too in his discourse;
    995And when he is so, he will take my Hand,
    And tickle the Palme, wincke with his one Eye,
    Gape with his mouth, and
    Lauren. And, hold thy tongue I prethee: here's my father.
    Enter Pisaro, Aluaro, Uandalle, Delion, Haruie,
    1000 Walgraue, and Heigham.
    Pisa. Vnmannerely, vntaught, vnnurtured Girles,
    Doe I bring Gentlemen, my very friends
    To fea st with mee, to reuell at my House,
    That their good likings, may be set on you,
    1005And you like misbehaud and sullen Girles,
    Turne tayle to such, as may aduance your states:
    I shall remembert, when you thinke I doe not.
    I am sorrie Gentlemen, your cheare's no better;
    But what did want at Board, excuse me for,
    1010And you shall haue amendes be made in Bed.
    To them friends, to them; they are none but yours:
    For you I bred them, for you brought them vp:
    For you I kept them, and you shall haue them:
    I hate all others that resort to them:
    1015Then rouse your bloods, be bold with what's your owne:
    For I and mine (my friends) be yours, or none.
    Enter Frisco and Anthonie.
    Frisc. God-gee god-morrow sir, I haue brought you
    M. Mouse here to teach my young Mi stre s s es: I a s s ure you
    1020(for-sooth) he is a braue Frenchman.
    Pisa. Welcome friend, welcome: my man (I thinke)
    Hath at the full, resolu'd thee of my will.
    Mon sieur Delion, I pray que stion him:
    I tell you sir, tis onely for your sake,
    1025That I doe meane to entertaine this fellow,
    Antho. A bots of all ill lucke, how came these heere?
    Now am I posde except the Wenches helpe mee:
    I haue no French to slap them in the mouth,
    Haru. To see the lucke of a good fellow, poore Anthony
    1030Could nere haue sorted out a worser time:
    Now will the packe of all our sly deuices
    Be quite layde ope, as one vndoes an Oy ster:
    Franke Heigham, and mad Ned, fall to your muses,
    To helpe poore Anthony now at a pinch,
    1035Or all our market will be spoyld and marde.
    Walg. Tut man, let vs alone, I warrant you.
    Delio. Mon sieur, Vous e stes tresbien venu, de quell pais e stes uous.
    Anth. Vous , thats you: sure he saies, how do men call you
    Mon sieur le Mouche?
    1040 Mari. Si ster, helpe si ster; that's hone st Anthonie,
    And he answers your woer cuius contrarium.
    Delio.Mon sieur, Vous n'entent pas, Ie ne demaunde puit,
    vo stre nom?
    Math. Mon sieur Delion, he that made your Shooes, made
    1045them not in fa shion: they should haue been cut square at
    the toe.
    Delio. Madame my Sho met de square toe, vat be dat?
    Pisa. Why sauce-box, how now you vnreuerent mincks
    Why? in whose Stable ha st thou been brought vp,
    1050To interrupt a man in mid st of speach?
    Mon sieur Delion, disquiet not your selfe,
    But as you haue begun, I pray proceed
    To que stion with this Countriman of yours.
    Delio. Dat me sal doe tres bien, But de bella Madona
    1055de iune Gentlewoman do mon stre some singe of amour to
    speake lot me, epurce mon sieur, mee sal say but two tree
    fowre fiue word to dis francios: or sus Mon sieur Le
    mouche en quelle partie de Fraunce e sties vous ne?
    Haru. Fraunce.
    1060 Heigh. Ned.
    Walg. Sbloud, let me come.
    Mai ster Pisaro, we haue occa sion of affaires,
    Which calles vs hence with speed; wherefore I pray
    Deferre this bu sine s s e till some fitter time,
    1065And to performe what at the Exchange we spoke of.
    Antho. A blessing on that tongue, saith Anthony.
    Pisa. Yes marry Gentlemen, I will, I will.
    Aluaro to your taske, fall to your taske,
    Ile beare away those three, who being heere,
    1070Would set my Daughters on a merry pin:
    Then chearely try your luckes; but speake, and speed,
    For you alone (say I) shall doe the deed.
    Exeunt Pisaro,Haruy, Walgraue, and Higham.
    Frisc. Heare you M. Mouse, did you dine to day at
    1075 Paules with the re st of the Gentlemen there?
    Antho. No sir, I am yet vndined.
    Frisc.Mee thinkes you should haue a reasonable good
    stomacke then by this time, as for me, I can sell nothinge
    within me from my mouth to my Cod-peece but all Em-
    1080ptie, wherefore I thinke a peece of wisdome to goe in and
    see what Maudelin hath prouided for our Dinner mai ster
    Mouse will you goe in?
    Antho. With as good a stomacke and de sire as your(selfe.
    Frisc. Lett's pa s s e in then
    1085 Exeunt Frisco, and Anthonie.
    Uanda. Han seg you Dochtor, vor vat cause, voer why
    bede also much grooterlie strange, Ic seg you wat, if datt
    ghy speake to me, is datt ghy loue me.
    Lauren. I st that I care not for you, i st that your breath
    1090 stinckes, if that your breath stinckes not, you mu st learne
    sweeter Engli sh or I shall neuer vnder stand your suite.
    Delion. Pardone moy Madame.
    Math. Withall my heart so you offend no more.
    Delio. Is dat an offence to be amorous di one belle Gen-
    1095tleawoman.
    Math. I sir see your Belle Gentle-woman cannot be a-
    morous of you.
    Mar.Then if I were as that belle Gentlewomans louer,
    I would trouble her no further, nor be amorous any longer.
    1100 Alua. Madona yet de Belleza of de face beutie deforme
    of all de Corpo may be such datt no perriculo, nor all de
    mal shaunce, can make him leaue hir dulce visage.
    Laur. But signor Aluaro if the periculo or mal shaunce
    were sutch, that she should loue and liue with an other,
    1105then the dulce visage mu st be lefte in spite of the louers
    teeth, whil st he may whine at his owne ill fortune.
    Uanda. Datts waer matre s s e, for it is vntrue saying, dey
    wint he taught dey verlieft lie scrat sin gatt.
    Math. And I thinke to are like to scratch there but ne-
    1110uer to claw any of my Si sters loue away.
    Uand. Dan sal your si stree do gain st her vaders will,
    for your vader segt dat ick sal heb har vor mine wife.
    Laur. I thinke not so sir, for I neuer heard him say so,
    but Ile goe in and aske him if his meaning be so.
    1115 Mari. Harke si ster signor Aluaro sayth, that I am the
    fayre st of all vs three,
    Laur.Beleeue him not for heele tell any lie.
    If so he thinkes thou may st be pleasd thereby,
    Come goe with me and neere stand prating here,
    1120I haue a ie st to tell thee in thine eare,
    Shall make you laugh: come let your signor stand,
    I know there's not a Wench in all this Towne,
    Scoffes at him more, or loues him le s s e then thou.
    Mai ster Uandalle, as much I say for you;
    1125If needes you marry with an Engli sh La s s e,
    Woe her in Engli sh , or sheele call you A s s e.
    Math. Tut that's a French cogge; sure I thinke,
    There's nere a Wench in Fraunce not halfe so fond,
    To woe and sue so for your Mounser ship.
    1130 Delio. Par may foy Madame, she does tincke dare is
    no Wenche so dure as you: for de Fillee was cree dulce,
    tendre, and amarous for me to loue hir; now me tincke dat
    I being such a fine man, you should loua me.
    Mathe. So thinke not I, sir.
    1135 Delio. But so tincke e sh oder Damosellas.
    Mathe. Nay Ile lay my loue to your commaunde,
    That my Si sters thinke not so: How say you si ster Mall?
    Why how now Gentlemen, is this your talke?
    What beaten in plaine field; where be your Maydes?
    1140Nay then I see their louing humour fades,
    And they re signe their intre st vp to mee;
    And yet I cannot serue for all you three:
    But lea st two should be madd, that I loue one,
    You shall be all alike, and Ile loue none:
    1145The world is scant, when so many Iacke Dawes,
    Houer about one Coarse with greedy pawes:
    Yf needes youle haue me stay till I am dead,
    Carrion for Crowes, Mathea for her Ned:
    And so farewell, we Si sters doe agree,
    1150To haue our willes, but nere to haue you three. Exeunt.
    Delio. Madama attendez, Madama: is she alle? doe she
    mockque de nows in such sort?
    Uand. Oh de pe stilence, hoe if dat ick can neit dese En-
    glese spreake vel, it shal hir Fader seg how dit is to pa s s e
    1155 gecomen.
    Enter Pisaro.
    Alua. Ne parlate, see here signors de Fader.
    Pisa. Now Friends, now Gentlemen, how speedes your
    worke; haue you not found them shrewd vnhappy girls?
    1160 Uand. Me ster Pisaro, de Dochter mai stris Laurentia calle
    me de Dyel, den A s s e, for that ic can neit engle sh spreken.
    Alua. Ande dat we sal no parler, dat we sal no hauar
    den for de wiue.
    Pisa>. Are they so lu sty? Dare they be so proude?
    1165Well, I shall find a time to meete with them:
    In the meane season, pray frequent my house.
    Enter Frisco running.
    Ho now sirra, whither are you running?
    Frisc. About a little tiny busine s s e.
    1170 Pisa. What busine s s e, A s s e?
    Frisc. Indeed I was not sent to you: and yet I was sent
    after the three Gen-men that din'd here, to bid them come
    to our house at ten a clocke at night, when you were abed.
    Pisa. Ha, what is this? Can this be true?
    1175What, art thou sure the Wenches bade them come?
    Frisc. So they said, vnle s s e their mindes be changed
    siince: for a Woman is like a Weather-cocke they say, & I
    am sure of no more then I am certaine of: but Ile go in and
    bid them send you word, whether they shall come or no.
    1180 Pisa. No sirra, stay you heere; but one word more:
    Did they appoint thẽ come one by one, or else al together?
    Frisc. Altogether: Lord that such a young man as you
    should haue no more witt: why if they should come toge-
    ther, one could not make rome for them, but comming one
    1185by one, theyle stand there if there were twenty of them.
    Pisa. How this newes glads me, and reuiues my soule:
    How say you sirs, what will you haue a ie st worth the
    telling; nay worth the acting: I haue it Gentlemen,
    I haue it Friends.
    1190 Alua. Signor Pisaro, I prey de gratia watte maniere sal
    we haue? wat will the parler? wat bon do you know
    Signor Pisaro, dicheti noi signor Pisaro.
    Pisa.Oh that youth so sweete, so soone should turne
    to age; were I as you, why this were sport alone for me to
    1195doe.
    Harke yee, harke yee; heere my man,
    Saith, that the Girles haue sent for Mai ster Heigham
    And his two friends; I know they loue them dear,
    And therefore wi sh them late at night be heere
    1200To reuell with them: Will you haue a ie st,
    To worke my will, and giue your longings re st:
    Why then M. Uandalle, and you two,
    Shall soone at midnight come, as they should doe,
    And court the Wenches; and to be be vnknowne,
    1205And taken for the men, whom they alone
    So much affect; each one shall change his name:
    Mai ster Uandalle, you shall take Heigham, and you
    Younge Haruie, and mon sieur Delion Ned,
    And vnder shadowes, be of sub stance sped:
    1210How like you this deuice? how thinke you of it?
    Delio. Oh de braue de galliarde deuise: me sal come by de
    nite and contier faire de Anglois Gentlehomes dicte nous
    ain si mon sieur Pisaro.
    Pisa. You are in the right sir.
    1215 Alua. And I sall name me de signor Haruy, ende mon-
    sieur Delion sall be de piculo signor Ned, ende when mado-
    na Laurentia sall say, who be dare? mi ster Vandalle sal say,
    Oh my sout Laide, hier be your loue Me stro Heigham: Is
    no dis de brauisime, mai ster Vandalle?
    1220 Vanda. Slaet vp den tromele, van ick sall come
    Vp to de camerken, wan my new Wineken
    Slaet vp den tromele, van ick sall come.
    Pisa. Ha, ha, ha, mai ster Vandalle,
    I trow you will be merrie soone at night,
    1225When you shall doe in deed, what now you hope of.
    Vanda. I sall v seg vader, Ick sall te sh your Daughter
    such a ting, make her laugh too.
    Pisa. Well my Sonnes all, (for so I count you shall)
    What we haue heere deuis'd, prouide me for:
    1230But aboue all, doe not (I pray) forget
    To come but one by one, as they did wi sh.
    Vanda. Maer hort ens vader, ick veite neite de wecke to
    you houis, hort ens sall mai ster Frisco your manneken
    come to calle de me, and bring me to house.
    1235 Pisa. Yes marry shall hee: see that you be ready,
    And at the hower of eleuen sone at night:
    Hie you to Bucklersburie to his Chamber,
    And so direct him straight vnto my house:
    My Sonne Aluaro, and mon sieur Delion,
    1240I know, doth know the way exceeding well:
    Well, weele to the Rose in Barken for an hower:
    And sirra Frisco, see you proue no blabbe.
    Exeunt Pisaro, Aluaro, Delion, and Uandalle.
    Frisc. Oh mon strous, who would thinke my Mai ster
    1245had so much witte in his old rotten budget: and yet
    yfayth he is not much troubled with it neither. Why what
    wise man in a kingdome would sende me for the Dutch-
    man? Does hee thinke Ile not cousen him: Oh fine, Ile
    haue the braue st sport: Oh braue, Ile haue the gallente st
    1250 sport: Oh come; now if I can hold behinde, while I may
    laugh a while, I care not: Ha, ha, ha.
    Enter Anthonie.
    Antho. Why how now Frisco, why laughe st thou so har- (tily?>
    Frisc. Laugh M. Mouse: Laugh, ha, ha, ha.
    1255 Antho. Laugh, why should I laugh? or why art thou so (merry?
    Frisc. Oh mai ster Mouse, mai ster Mouse, it would make
    any Mouse, Ratte, Catte, or Dogge, laugh to thinke, what
    sport we shall haue at our house sone at night: Ile tell you,
    all, my young Mi stre s s es sent me after M. Heigham and his
    1260friendes, to pray them come to our house after my old
    Mai ster was a bed: Now I went, and I went; and I runne,
    and I went: and whome should I meete, but my Mai ster
    and M. Pisaro and the Strangers; so my Mai ster very wor-
    shipfully (I mu st needs say) examined me whither I went
    1265now? I dur st not tell him an vntruth, for feare of lying, but
    told him plainely and hone stly mine arrande: Now who
    would thinke my Mai ster had such a mon strous plaguie
    witte, hee was as glad as could be; out of all scotch and
    notch glad, out of all count glad? and so sirra he bid the
    1270three Vplandi sh-men come in their steades and woe my
    young Mi stre s s es: Now it made mee so laugh to thinke
    how they will be cousend, that I could not follow my Mai-
    ster: But Ile follow him, I know he is gone to the Tauerne
    in his merry humor: Now if you will keepe this as secret
    1275as I haue done hitherto, wee shall haue the braue st sport
    soone as can be. I mu st be gone, say nothing.
    Antho. Well it is so:
    And we will haue good sport, or it shall go hard;
    This mu st the Wenches know, or all is marde.
    1280 Enter the three Si sters.
    Harke you Mis. Moll, Mis. Laurentia, Mis. Matt,
    I haue such newes (my Girles) will make you smile.
    Mari. What be they Mai ster, how I long to heare it?
    Antho. A Woman right, still longing, and with child,
    1285For euery thing they hear, or light vpon:
    Well if you be mad Wenches, heare it now,
    Now may your knaueries giue the deadlie st blow
    To night-walkers, eauese-droppers, or outlandi sh loue,
    That ere was stri sten.
    1290 Math. Anthony Mowche,
    Moue but the matter; tell vs but the ie st,
    And if you find vs slacke to execute,
    Neuer giue credence, or beleeue vs more.
    Antho. Then know: The Strangers your Outlandi sh (loues,
    1295Appoynted by your Father, come this night
    In stead of Haruie, Heigham, and young Ned,
    Vnder their shaddowes to get to your bed:
    For Frisco simply told him why he went:
    I need not to in struct, you can conceiue,
    1300You are not Stockes nor Stones, but haue some store
    Of witte and knauerie too.
    Mathe. Anthony, thankes
    Is too small a guerdon for this newes;
    You mu st be Engli sh: Well sir signor sowse,
    1305Ile teach you trickes for comming to our house.
    Laur. Are you so craftie, oh that night were come,
    That I might heare my Dutchman how hee'd sweare
    In his owne mother Language, that he loues me:
    Well, if I quit him not, I here pray God
    1310I may lead Apes in Hell, and die a Mayde;
    And that were worser to me then a hanging.
    Antho. Well said old hone st huddles; here's a heape
    Of merrie La s s es: Well, for my selfe,
    Ile hie mee to your Louers, bid them maske
    1315With vs at night, and in some corner stay
    Neere to our house, where they may make some play
    Vpon your riuals, and when they are gon,
    Come to your windowes.
    Mari. Doe so good Mai ster.
    1320 Antho. Peace, begon, for this our sport,
    Some body soone will moorne. Exeunt.
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