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  • Title: An Humorous Day's Mirth (Quarto 1, 1599)
  • Editor: Eleanor Lowe
  • Coordinating editor: Brett Greatley-Hirsch
  • General textual editor: Helen Ostovich
  • ISBN: 978-1-55058-513-1

    Copyright Digital Renaissance Editions. This text may be freely used for educational, non-profit purposes; for all other uses contact the Editor.
    Author: George Chapman
    Editor: Eleanor Lowe
    Peer Reviewed

    An Humorous Day's Mirth (Quarto 1, 1599)

    Enter Uerone with his Napkin vpon his shoulder, and his
    man Iaques with another, and his sonne bringing
    1020in cloth and napkins.
    Uer. Come on my maisters, shadow these tables with
    their white vailes, accomplish the court Cupboord, waite
    diligently to day for my credite and your owne, that if the
    1025meate should chance to be raw, yet your behauiors being
    neither rude nor raw, may excuse it, or if the meate should
    chaunce to be tough, be you tender ouer them in your at-
    tendance, that the one may beare with the other.
    An humorous
    Iaq. Faith some of them bee so hard to please, finding
    1030fault with your cheere, and discommending your wine,
    saying, they fare better at Verones for halfe the mony.
    Boy. Besides, if there be any cheboules in your napkins,
    they say your nose or ours haue dropt on them, and then
    they throw them about the house.
    1035Uer. But these bee small faultes, you may beare with
    them, young Gentlemen and wilde heades will be doing.
    Enter the Maide.
    Maid. Come, whose wit was it to couer in this roome,
    name in the of God I trowee.
    1040Boy. Why I hope this roome is as faire as the other.
    Maid. In your foolish opinion: you might haue tolde a
    wise body so, and kept your selfe a foole still.
    Boy. I cry you mercie, how bitter you are in your pro-
    1045Maid. So bitter I am sir.
    Uer. O sweet Sateena I dare not say I loue thee.
    Iaq. Must you controule vs you proud baggage you?
    Maid. Baggage? you are a knaue to call me baggage.
    Iaq. A knaue? my maister shall know that.
    1050Ver. I will not see them.
    Iaq. Maister, here is your Maid vses her selfe so sawsi-
    ly, that one house shall not holde vs two long, God wil-
    Uer. Come hither huswife. Pardon mee sweete Iace-
    1055nan, I must make an angry face outwardly, though I smile
    Maid. Say what you will to me sir.
    Ver. O you are a fine Gossip, can I not keepe honest
    seruants in my house, but you must controule them? you
    1060must be their mistres.
    Maid. Why I did but take vp the cloth, because my mi-
    stresse would haue the dinner in an other roome, and hee
    called me baggage.
    dayes mirth.
    1065Iaq. You called me knaue and foole, I thanke you small
    Ma. Go to, go to, she were wise enough would talke
    with you.
    Boy. Go thy waies for the prowdest harlotrie that euer
    1070came in our house.
    Ver. Let her alone boy, I haue scoold her I warant thee,
    she shall not be my maide long, if I can helpe it.
    Boy. No, I thinke so sir, but what, shal I take vppe the
    1075Ue. No, let the cloth lie, hither theile com first, I am sure
    of it, then If they will dine in the other roome, they shal.
    Enter Rowl.
    Ro. Good morrow my host, is no body come yet?
    Ue. Your worship is the first sir.
    1080Ro. I was inuited by my cosen Colinet, to see your iew-
    Ve. I thanke his worship and yours.
    Ro. Heres a prettie place for an ordinarie, I am very
    sory I haue not vsed to come to ordinaries.
    1085Ve. I hope we shall haue your company hereafter.
    Ro. You are very like so.
    Enter Berger.
    Ber. Good morrow my host, good morrow good
    Monsieur Rowle.
    1090Ro. Good morrow to you sir,
    Ber. What are we two the first? giue's the cardes, here
    come, this gentleman and I wil go to cardes while dinner
    be ready.
    Ro. No truly I cannot play at cardes.
    1095Ber. How! not play, O for shame say not so, how can a
    yong gentleman spend his time but in play, and in courting
    his Mistris: come vse this, least youth take too much of the
    Ro. Faith I cannot play, and yet I care not so much
    1100E to
    An humorous
    to venture two or three crownes with you.
    Ber. O I thought what I shuld find of you, I pray God
    I haue not met with my match.
    Ro. No trust me sir, I cannot play.
    1105Ber. Hearke you my host, haue you a pipe of good
    Ue. The best in the towne: boy drie a leafe.
    Boy. Theres none in the house sir.
    Ve. Drie a docke leafe.
    1110Be. My host, do you know Monsieur Blanuel?
    Ue. Yea passing well sir.
    Be. Why, he was taken learning trickes at old Lucilas
    house the muster mistris of all the smocktearers in Paris,
    and both the bawde and the pander were carried to the
    Ve. There was dungeon vpon dungeon, but call you her
    the muster-mistris of al the smocktearers in Paris?
    Be. Yea, for she hath them all trained vp afore her.
    Enter Blanuel.
    1120Bla. Good morow my host, good morow gentlemen al.
    Ue. Good morow Monsieur Blanuel, I am glad of your
    quicke deliuery.
    Bla. Deliuery, what didst thou thinke I was with child?
    Ve. Yea of a dungeon.
    1125Bla. Why, how knew you that?
    Ro. Why Berger told vs.
    Bla. Berger who told you of it?
    Be. One that I heard, by the lord.
    Bla. O excellent, you are still playing the wagge.
    1130Enter Lemot and Moren.
    Le Good morrow Gentlemen all, good morrow good
    Monsieur Rowle.
    Ro. At your seruice.
    Le. I pray my lord look what a prety falling band he hath,
    1135tis pretty fantasticall, as I haue seen made, with good iudge-
    ment, great shew, and but tittle cost.
    dayes mirth.
    Moren. And so it is I promise you, who made it I
    Row I know not yfaith, I bought it by chance.
    1140Le. It is a very pretty one, make much of it.
    Enter Catalian sweating.
    Ca. Boy, I prethee call for a course napkin. Good mor-
    row Gentlemen, I would you had bin at the tenniscourt,
    you should haue seene me a beat Monsieur Besan, and I
    1145gaue him fifteene and all his faults.
    Le. Thou didst more for him, then euer God wil do for
    Ca. Iaques, I prethee fill me a cup of canary, three parts
    1150Le. You shall haue all water and if it please you.
    Enter Maide.
    Ma. Who cald for a course napkin?
    Ca. Marry I, sweete heart, do you take the paines to
    bring it your selfe, haue at you by my hosts leaue.
    1155Ma. Away sir, fie for shame.
    Ca. Hearke you my host, you must marry this young
    wench, you do her mighty wrong els.
    Ver. O sir, you are a merry man.
    Enter Foyes and Labesha.
    1160Foy. Good morrow gentlemen, you see I am as good as
    my word.
    Mo. You are sir, and I am very glad of it.
    Le You are welcome Monsieur Foyes: but you are not,
    no not you.
    1165Be. No, welcome that Gentleman, tis no matter for me.
    Le. How sir? no matter to you, by this rush I am angry
    with you, as if al our loues protested vnto you were dissem-
    bled, no matter for you?
    Be. Nay sweet Lemot be not angry, I did but iest, as I am
    1170a Gentleman.
    E 2 Lem.
    An humorous
    Lem. Yea but theres a difference of iesting, you wrong
    all our affections in so doing.
    Be. Faith and troth I did not, and I hope sirs you take it
    not so.
    1175All. No matter for me, twas very vnkindly sayd, I must
    needs say so.
    La. You see how they loue me.
    Foy. I do sir, and I am very glad of it.
    Be, And I hope Lemot, you are not angry with me stil.
    1180Le. No faith, I am not so very a foole to be angry with
    one that cares not for me.
    Be. Do not I care for you? nay then.
    Ca. What, dost thou cry?
    Be. Nay I do not cry, but my stomacke waters to thinke
    1185that you should take it so heauily, if I do not wish that I
    were cut into three peeces, and that these peeces were tur-
    ned into three blacke puddings, and that these three blacke
    puddings were turned into three of the fairest Ladies in the
    land for your sake, I would I were hanged, what a diuel can
    1190you haue more then my poore heart?
    Ca. Well harke you Lemot, in good faith you are too
    blame to put him to this vnkindnes, I prethee be friends
    with him.
    Le. Well, I am content to put vp this vnkindnesse for
    1195this once, but while you liue take heede of: no matter for
    Be. Why is it such a hainous word?
    Le. O the hainousest word in the world.
    Be. Wel, Ile neuer speake it more, as I am a gentleman.
    1200Le. No I pray do not.
    Foy. My lord, will your lordship go to cards?
    Lor. Yea with you Monsieur Foyes.
    Ro. Lemot, will you play?
    Le. Pardon good Monsieur Rowle, if I had any dispo-
    1205sition to gaming your company should draw me before
    any mans here.
    dayes mirth.
    Foy. Labesha, what will you play?
    Lab. Play, yea with all my heart, I pray lend me three
    1210Row. Ile play no more.
    Cat. Why, haue you wonne or lost?
    Row. Faith I haue lost two or three crownes.
    Cat. Well to him againe, Ile be your halfe.
    Lem. Sirrah, Catalian, while they are playing at cardes,
    1215thou and I will haue some excellent sport: sirrah, dost thou
    know that same Gentleman there?
    Cat. No yfaith, what is he?
    Lem. A very fine gull, and a neat reueller, one thats heire
    to a great liuing, yet his father keepes him so short, that his
    1220shirts will scant couer the bottom of his belly, for all his gay
    outside, but the linings be very foule and sweatie, yea and
    perhappes lowsie, with dispising the vaine shiftes of the
    Cat. But he hath gotten good store of money now me
    Lem. Yea, and I wonder of it, some ancient seruing man
    of his fathers, that hath gotten fortie shillings in fiftie years
    vpon his great good husbandrie, he swearing monstrous
    othes to pay him againe, and besides to doe him a good
    1230turne (when God shall heare his prayer for his father) hath
    lent it him I warrant you, but howsoeuer, we must speake
    him faire.
    Cat. O what else!
    Lem. God saue sweete Monsieur Rowle, what loose or
    1235win, loose or win?
    Row. Faith sir saue my selfe, and loose my money.
    Lem. Theres a prouerbe hit dead in the necke like a
    Cony, why hearke thee Catalian, I could haue told thee be-
    fore what he would haue said.
    1240Cat. I do not thinke so.
    Lem. No, thou seest heers a fine plumpe of gallants, such
    as thinke their wits singular, and their selues rarely accom-
    E 3 plished,
    An humorous
    plished, yet to shew thee how brittle their wittes be, I will
    1245speake to them seuerally, and I will tell thee before what
    they shall answer me.
    Cat. Thats excellent, lets see that yfaith.
    Lem. Whatsoeuer I say to Monsieur Rowlee, he shall
    say, O sir, you may see an ill weed growes apace.
    1250Cat. Come, lets see.
    Lem. Now Monsieur Rowlee, me thinks you are excee-
    dingly growne since your comming to Paris.
    Row. O sir, you may see an ill weed growes a pace.
    Cat. This is excellent, forward sir I pray.
    1255Lem. What soere I say to Labesha, he shall answer me,
    blacke will beare no other hue, and that same olde Iustice,
    as greedie of a stale prouerbe, he shall come in the necke
    of that and say, Blacke is a pearle in a womans eye.
    Cat. Yea, much yfayth.
    1260Lem. Looke thee, here comes hither Labesha, Catalian,
    and I haue beene talking of thy complexion, and I say, that
    all the faire ladies in France would haue beene in loue with
    thee, but that thou art so blacke.
    Labe. O sir blacke will beare no other hue.
    1265Foy. O sir blacke is a pearle in a womans eye.
    Lem. You say true sir, you say true sir, sirrah Catalian,
    whatsoere I say to Berger that is so busie at Cardes, he shall
    answer me, sblood, I do not meane to die as long as I can
    see one aliue.
    1270Cat. Come let vs see you.
    Lem. Why Berger, I thought thou hadst beene dead, I
    haue not heard thee chide all this while.
    Ber. Sblood, I do not meane to die, as long as I can see
    one aliue.
    1275Cat. Why but hearke you Lemot, I hope you cannot
    make this lord answer so roundly.
    Lem. O, as right as any of them all, and he shall aun-
    swere mee with an olde Latine Prouerbe, that is,
    vsus promptus facit.
    dayes mirth.
    1280Cat. Once more lets see.
    Lem. My lord, your lordship could not play at this game
    verie latelie, and nowe me thinkes you are growne excee-
    ding perfite.
    Mor. O sir, you may see, vsus promptus facit.
    1285Enter Iaques.
    Iaq. Monsieur Lemot, here is a Gentleman and two
    Gentlewomen do desire to speake with you.
    Lem. What are they come? Iaques, conuey them into
    the inwarde Parlour by the inwarde roome, and there is a
    1290brace of Crownes for thy labour, but let no bodie know of
    their being here.
    Iaq. I warrant you sir.
    Lem. See where they come: welcome my good lord and
    ladies, Ile come to you presently: so, now the sport begins,
    1295I shall starte the disguised King plaguilie, nay I shall put
    the ladie that loues me in a monstrous fright, when her hus-
    band comes and finds her here.
    Boy. The Gentleman, and the two Gentlewomen de-
    sires your companie.
    1300Lem. Ile come to them presently.
    Foy. Gentlemen, Ile go speake with one, and come to
    The boy
    speakes in
    Foies his ear
    you presently.
    Lem. My lord, I would speake a worde with your lord-
    ship, if it were not for interrupting your game.
    1305Lord. No, I haue done Lemot.
    Lem. My lord there must a couple of ladies dine with
    vs to day.
    Lord. Ladies? Gods my life I must be gone.
    Lem. Why, hearke you my Lorde, I knewe not of
    1310their comming I protest to your Lordship, and woulde
    you haue mee turne such faire Ladies as these are a-
    Lord. Yea but hearke you Lemot, did not you heare
    mee sweare to my Wife, that I woulde not tarie, if there
    An humorous
    1315were any women, I wonder you would suffer any to come
    Lem. Why you swore but by a kisse, and kisses are no
    holie things, you know that.
    Lord. Why but hearke you Lemot, indeed I would be
    1320very loath to do any thing, that if my wife should know it,
    should displease her.
    Le. Nay then you are to obsequious, hearke you, let me
    intreate you, and Ile tell you in secrete, you shall haue no
    worse company then the Kings.
    1325Lord. Why will the King be there?
    Lem. Yea, though disguised.
    Lord. Who are the ladies?
    Lem. The flowers of Paris, I can tell you, faire countesse
    Florila, and the ladie Martia.
    1330Enter Iaque.
    Iaq. Monsieur Lemot, the gentleman and the two Gen-
    tlewomen desire your companie.
    Lem. Ile come to them straight: but Iaques come hither
    I prethee, go to Labesha, and tell him that the Countesse
    1335Florila, and the ladie Martia be here at thy maisters house:
    and if it come in question hereafter, denie that thou tolde
    him any such thing.
    Iaq. What, is this all? Sblood Ile denie it, and forsweare
    it too.
    1340Lem. My Lorde, Ile goe and see the roome be neate
    and fine, and come to you presently.
    Lord. Yea but hearke you Lemot, I prethee take such
    order that they be not knowne of any women in the house.
    Lem. O how shuld they now to his wife go yfaith!Exit.
    1345Iaq. Hearke you, Monsieur Labesha, I pray let me speak
    a worde with you.
    Labe. With all my heart, I pray looke to my stake, theres
    three pence vnder the Candlesticke.
    Iaq. I pray see, do you know the Countesse Florila, and
    1350the ladie Martia?
    dayes mirth.
    Lab. Do I know the ladie Martia? I knew her before
    she was borne, why do you aske me?
    Ia. Why, they are both here at my masters house.
    Lab. What, is Mistris Martia at an ordinarie?
    1355Ia. Yea that she is.
    La. By skies and stones Ile go and tel her father.Exit.