The Honest Whore, Part 1 (Modern)

 481.1[1.5]
 1.5.0.1482Enter [Viola], Candidoʼs Wife, George, and two Prentices, 483in the shop.
 1.5.1484Viola
 Come, you put up your wares in good order here, do 485you not, think you? One piece cast this way, another that way! 486You had need have a patient master, indeed.
 1.5.2487George
 [Aside] Ay, Iʼll be sworn, for we have a curst mistress.
 1.5.3488Viola
 You mumble? Do you mumble? I would your master 489or I could be a note more angry, for two patient folks in a 490house spoil all the servants that ever shall come under them.
 1.5.44911 Prentice 
 [Aside] You patient! Ay, so is the devil when he is 492horn-mad.
 1.5.4.1493Enter Castruccio, Fluello, and Pioratto.
 1.5.5494George and the Prentices
 Gentlemen, what do you lack? What isʼt you buy? 495See, fine hollands, fine cambrics, fine lawns.
 1.5.6496George
 What isʼt you lack?
 1.5.74972 Prentice
 What isʼt you buy?
 1.5.8498Castruccio
 Whereʼs Signor Candido, thy master?
 1.5.9499George
 Faith, signor, heʼs a little negotiated. Heʼll appear presently.
 1.5.10500Castruccio
 [To George] Fellow, letʼs see a lawn, a choice one, sirrah.
 1.5.11501George
 The best in all Milan, gentlemen, and [Showing it] this is the 502piece. I can fit you gentlemen with fine calicoes too, for 503doublets, the only sweet fashion now, most delicate and courtly, a 504meek, gentle calico, cut upon two double affable taffetas – ah, 505most neat, feat, and unmatchable!
 1.5.12506Fluello
 [Aside to Pioratto] A notable, voluble-tongued villain.
 1.5.13507Pioratto
 [Aside to Fluello] I warrant this fellow was never begot without much 508prating.
 1.5.14509Castruccio
 [To George with his piece of lawn] What, and is this she, sayst thou?
 1.5.14.1[He handles the cloth.]
 1.5.15510George
 Ay, and the purest she that ever you fingered since you 511were a gentleman. Look how even she is, look how clean she 512is – ha, as even as the brow of Cynthia, and as clean as your sons 513and heirs when they haʼ spent all.
 1.5.16514Castruccio
 Pooh, thou talkst – pox onʼt, ʼtis rough.
 1.5.17515George
 How? Is she rough? But if you bid pox onʼt sir, ʼtwill 516take away the roughness presently.
 1.5.18517Fluello
 [To Castruccio] Ha, signor! Has he fitted your French curse?
 1.5.19518George
 [To Castruccio] Look you, gentleman, hereʼs another. [He displays another cloth.] Compare 519them, I pray: compara Virgilium cum Homero, compare virgins 520with harlots.
 1.5.20521Castruccio
 Pooh, I haʼ seen better, and, as you term them, evener 522and cleaner.
 1.5.21523George
 You may see further for your mind, but trust me, 524you shall not find better for your body.
 1.5.21.1Enter Candido.
 1.5.22525Castruccio
 [Aside to his companions] O, here he comes. Letʼs make as though we pass.
 1.5.23526[Aloud] Come, come, weʼll try in some other shop.
 1.5.23.1[The Gentlemen start to leave.]
 1.5.24527Candido
 How now? Whatʼs the matter?
 1.5.25528George
 The gentlemen find fault with this lawn, fall out 529with it, and without a cause too.
 1.5.26530Candido
 Without a cause?
 1.5.27531And that makes you to let ʼem pass away? – 
 1.5.28532Ah, may I crave a word with you gentlemen?
 1.5.29533Fluello
 [Aside to his companions] He calls us.
 1.5.30534Castruccio
 [Aside to Fluello] Makes the better for the jest.
 1.5.31535Candido
 I pray come near. Youʼre very welcome, gallants.
 1.5.32536Pray pardon my manʼs rudeness, for I fear me
 1.5.33537Hʼas talked above a prentice with you. [To a Prentice] Lawns!
 1.5.34538[Showing the lawns] Look you, kind gentlemen. – This? No. – Ay, this;
 1.5.35539Take this, upon my honest-dealing faith,
 1.5.36540To be a true weave, not too hard, nor slack,
 1.5.37541But eʼen as far from falsehood as from black.
 1.5.38542Castruccio
 Well, how do you rate it?
 1.5.39543Candido
 Very conscionable, eighteen shillings a yard.
 1.5.40544Castruccio
 Thatʼs too dear. How many yards does the whole 545piece contain, think you?
 1.5.41546Candido
 Why, some seventeen yards I think, or thereabouts. 547How much would serve your turn, I pray?
 1.5.42548Castruccio
 Why, let me see. [He examines the cloth.] Would it were better, too.
 1.5.43549Candido
 Truth, ʼtis the best in Milan, at few words.
 1.5.44550Castruccio
 Well, let me have, then – a whole pennyworth.
 1.5.45551Candido
 Ha, ha! Youʼre a merry gentleman.
 1.5.46552Castruccio
 A pennʼorth, I say.
 1.5.47553Candido
 Of lawn?
 1.5.48554Castruccio
 Of lawn? Ay, of lawn, a pennʼorth. ʼSblood, dost not 555hear? A whole pennʼorth. Are you deaf?
 1.5.49556Candido
 Deaf? No, sir, but I must tell you
 1.5.50557Our wares do seldom meet such customers.
 1.5.51558Castruccio
 Nay, an you and your lawns be so squeamish, 559fare you well. 
 1.5.51.1[He makes as if to go.]
 1.5.52560Candido
 Pray stay, a word. Pray, signor,
 1.5.53For what purpose 561is it, I beseech you?
 1.5.54562Castruccio
 ʼSblood, whatʼs that to you? Iʼll have a pennyworth.
 1.5.55563Candido
 A pennyworth? Why, you shall. Iʼll serve you presently.
 1.5.565642 Prentice
 [Aside to Viola] ʼSfoot, a pennyworth, mistress!
 1.5.57565Viola
 [To Candido] A pennyworth! Call you these gentlemen?
 1.5.58566Castruccio
 [To Candido, as he starts to cut the cloth] No, no, not there.
 1.5.59567Candido
 What then, kind gentleman? What, at this corner here?
 1.5.60568Castruccio
 No, nor there neither.
 1.5.61569Iʼll have it just in the middle, or else not.
 1.5.62570Candido
 Just in the middle. Ha, you shall, too. What,
 1.5.63571Have you a single penny?
 572Castruccio
 Have you a single penny?  [Producing a coin] Yes, hereʼs one.
 1.5.64Candido
 Lend it me, I pray.
 1.5.65573Fluello
 [Aside] An excellent-followed jest!
 1.5.66574Viola
 What, will he spoil the lawn now?
 1.5.67575Candido
 Patience, good wife.
 1.5.68576Viola
 Ay, that patience makes a fool of you. – Gentlemen, 577you might haʼ found some other citizen to have 578made a kind gull on besides my husband.
 1.5.69579Candido
 [As he proceeds to cut the cloth] Pray, gentlemen, take her to be a woman;
 1.5.70580Do not regard her language. [To Viola] O kind soul,
 1.5.71581Such words will drive away my customers.
 1.5.72582Viola
 ‘Customersʼ with a murrain! Call you these customers?
 1.5.73583Candido
 Patience, good wife.
 1.5.74Viola
 Pax oʼyour patience!
 1.5.75584George
 ʼSfoot, mistress, I warrant these are some cheating 585companions.
 1.5.76586Candido
 Look you, gentleman, thereʼs your ware. I thank 587you;
 1.5.77I have your money.
 1.5.77.1[Handing over the piece of cloth]
 I have your money.  Here. Pray know my shop,
 1.5.78Let me have your custom.
 588Viola
 Let me have your custom.  ‘Customʼ, quothʼa!
 1.5.79589Candido
 Let me take more of your money.
 1.5.80590Viola
 You had need so.
 1.5.81591Pioratto
 [Aside to Castruccio] Hark in thine ear: thʼast lost a hundred ducats.
 1.5.82592Castruccio
 [Aside in reply] Well, well, I knowʼt. Isʼt possible that homo
 1.5.83593Should be nor man nor woman? Not once moved,
 1.5.84594No, not at such an injury, not at all!
 1.5.85595Sure heʼs a pigeon, for he has no gall.
 1.5.86596Fluello
 [To Candido] Come, come, youʼre angry, though you smother it;
 1.5.87597Youʼre vexed, iʼfaith – confess.
 Candido
 Youʼre vexed, iʼfaith – confess.  Why, gentlemen,
 1.5.88598Should you conceit me to be vexed or moved?
 1.5.89599He has my ware, I have his money forʼt;
 1.5.90600And thatʼs no argument I am angry. No,
 1.5.91601The best logician cannot prove me so.
 1.5.92602Fluello
 O, but the hateful name of a pennyworth of lawn,
 1.5.93603And then cut out iʼthʼ middle of the piece!
 1.5.94604Pah, I guess it by myself. ʼTwould move a lamb,
 1.5.95605Were he a linen-draper; ʼtwould, iʼfaith.
 1.5.96606Candido
 Well, give me leave to answer you for that.
 1.5.97607We are set here to please all customers,
 1.5.98608Their humours and their fancies, offend none;
 1.5.99609We get by many if we leese by one.
 1.5.100610Maybe his mind stood to no more than that.
 1.5.101611A pennʼorth serves him; and ʼmongst trades ʼtis found,
 1.5.102612‘Deny a pennʼworth, it may cross a pound.ʼ
 1.5.103613O, he that means to thrive with patient eye
 1.5.104614Must please the devil if he come to buy.
 1.5.105615Fluello
 O wondrous man, patient ʼbove wrong or woe!
 1.5.106616How blest were men if women could be so.
 1.5.107617Candido
 And to express how well my breast is pleased
 1.5.108618And satisfied in all, George, fill a beaker. 
 1.5.108.1Exit George.
 1.5.109619Iʼll drink unto that gentleman who lately
 1.5.110620Bestowed his money with me.
 Viola
 Bestowed his money with me.  Godʼs my life,
 1.5.111621We shall have all our gains drunk out in beakers
 1.5.112622To make amends for pennyworths of lawn!
 1.5.112.1Enter George [with filled beaker].
 1.5.112.2Candido
 [Passing the beaker to Viola] 
 1.5.113623Here, wife, begin you to the gentleman.
 1.5.114624Viola
 I begin to him?
 1.5.114.1[She deliberately spills the drink.]
 Candido
 I begin to him?  George, fillʼt up again. – 
 1.5.115625ʼTwas my fault; my hand shook. 
 1.5.115.1Exit George [with beaker].
 1.5.116626Pioratto
 [Aside to his friends] How strangely this doth show:
 1.5.117627A patient man linked with a waspish shrew!
 1.5.118628Fluello
 [Aside] A silver-and-gilt beaker! I have a trick
 1.5.119629To work upon that beaker. Sure ʼtwill fret him;
 1.5.120630It cannot choose but vex him.
 It cannot choose but vex him.  [Aside to Castruccio] Signor Castruccio,
 1.5.121631In pity to thee I have a conceit
 1.5.122632Will save thy hundred ducats yet; ʼtwill doʼt,
 1.5.123633And work him to impatience.
 Castruccio
 And work him to impatience.  [Aside to Fluello] Sweet Fluello,
 1.5.124634I should be bountiful to that conceit.
 1.5.125635Fluello
 Well, ʼtis enough.
 1.5.125.1Enter George [with filled beaker and jug].
 1.5.125.2Candido
 [To Castruccio, holding the beaker]
 Well, ʼtis enough.  636Here, gentleman, to you.
 1.5.126637I wish your custom; youʼre exceeding welcome.
 1.5.126.1[He takes a sip and passes the beaker to Castruccio.]
 1.5.127638Castruccio
 I pledge you, Signor Candido. [He drinks to Candido.]
 1.5.128Here, to you, that must 639receive a hundred ducats.
 1.5.128.1[He drinks to Pioratto, and passes the beaker to him.]
 1.5.129640Pioratto
 Iʼll pledge them deep, iʼfaith, Castruccio. [He drinks.]
 1.5.130641Signor Fluello. 
 1.5.130.1[He drinks to Fluello.]
 642Fluello
 Signor Fluello.   [To Pioratto] Come, playʼt off – to me;
 1.5.131I am your last man.
 1.5.131.1[Pioratto empties out the beaker, as urged by Fluello, who is to drink next.]
 643Candido
 I am your last man.  George, supply the cup.
 1.5.131.2[George fills the beaker and pases it to Fluello.]
 1.5.132644Fluello
 So, so, good honest George.
 1.5.133645Here, Signor Candido; 
 1.5.133.1[He drinks a little to Candido.]
 Here, Signor Candido;   all this to you. 
 1.5.133.2[He passes the beaker to him.]
 1.5.134646Candido
 O, you must pardon me. I use it not.
 1.5.135647Fluello
 Will you not pledge me, then?
 648Candido
 Will you not pledge me, then?  Yes, but not that;
 1.5.136649Great love is shown in little.
 650Fluello
 Great love is shown in little.  Blurt on your sentences!
 1.5.137ʼSfoot, you shall pledge 651me all.
 652Candido
 ʼSfoot, you shall pledge me all.  Indeed I shall not.
 1.5.138653Fluello
 Not pledge me? ʼSblood, Iʼll carry away the beaker 654then.
 1.5.139655Candido
 The beaker? O, that at your pleasure, sir.
 1.5.140656Fluello
 Now, by this drink, I will.
 1.5.141657Castruccio
 [To Candido] Pledge him; heʼll doʼt else.
 1.5.141.1[Candido does not move. Fluello drinks the contents of the beaker. He pours out the last drop on his thumbnail.]
 1.5.142658Fluello
 So. I haʼ done you right, on my thumbnail.
 1.5.143659What, will you pledge me now?
 660Candido
 What, will you pledge me now?  You know me, sir,
 1.5.144I am not of that sin.
 661Fluello
 I am not of that sin.  Why then, farewell.
 1.5.145662Iʼll bear away the beaker, by this light.
 1.5.146663Candido
 Thatʼs as you please; ʼtis very good.
 1.5.147664Fluello
 Nay, it doth please me, and as you say ʼtis a very good one.
 1.5.148665Farewell, Signor Candido.
 1.5.149666Pioratto
 Farewell, Candido.
 1.5.150667Candido
 Youʼre welcome, gentlemen.
 668Castruccio
 Youʼre welcome, gentlemen.  [Aside] Heart, not moved yet?
 1.5.151669[Aside to Fluello] I think his patience is above your wit.
 1.5.151.1Exeunt [Castruccio, Pioratto, and Fluello with the beaker].
 1.5.152670George
 I told you before, mistress, they were all cheaters.
 1.5.153671Viola
 Why, fool; why, husband; why, madman! I hope 672you will not let ʼem sneak away so, with a silver-and-gilt 673beaker, the best in the house, too. – Go, fellows, make hue and 674cry after them.
 1.5.154675Candido
 Pray let your tongue lie still; all will be well. – 
 1.5.155676Come hither, George. Hie to the constable,
 1.5.156677And in calm order wish him to attach them.
 1.5.157678Make no great stir, because theyʼre gentlemen;
 1.5.158679And a thing partly done in merriment,
 1.5.159680ʼTis but a size above a jest, thou knowst.
 1.5.160681Therefore pursue it mildly. Go, begone.
 1.5.161682The constableʼs hard by, bring him along.
 1.5.162Make haste again.
 1.5.162.1Exit George.
 1.5.163683Viola
 O, youʼre a goodly patient woodcock, are you not 684now? 685See what your patience comes to: everyone saddles you and 686rides you, youʼll be shortly the common stone-horse of 687Milan. A womanʼs well holped up with such a meacock; I 688had rather have a husband that would swaddle me thrice a 689day than such a one, that will be gulled twice in half an 690hour. O, I could burn all the wares in my shop for anger!
 1.5.164691Candido
 Pray wear a peaceful temper, be my wife – 
 1.5.165692That is, be patient; for a wife and husband
 1.5.166693Share but one soul between them. This being known,
 1.5.167694Why should not one soul then agree in one?
 1.5.168695Viola
 Hang your agreements! But if my beaker be gone – 
 1.5.168.1Exit.
 1.5.168.2696Enter Castruccio, Fluello, Pioratto, and George.
 1.5.169697Candido
 O, here they come.
 1.5.170698George
 The constable, sir, let ʼem come along with me, 699because there should be no wondering. He stays at door.
 1.5.171700Castruccio
 Constable, Goodman Abram?
 1.5.172701Fluello
 Now, Signor Candido, ʼsblood, why do you attach us?
 1.5.173702Castruccio
 ʼSheart! Attach us!
 703Candido
 ʼSheart! Attach us!  Nay, swear not, gallants.
 1.5.174704Your oaths may move your souls, but not move me;
 1.5.175705You have a silver beaker of my wifeʼs.
 1.5.176706Fluello
 You say not true, ʼtis gilt.
 707Candido
 You say not true, ʼtis gilt.  Then you say true.
 1.5.177708And being gilt, the guilt lies more on you.
 1.5.178709Castruccio
 I hope youʼre not angry, sir.
 710Candido
 I hope youʼre not angry, sir.  Then you hope right,
 1.5.179For I am not angry.
 711Pioratto
 For I am not angry.  No, but a little moved.
 1.5.180712Candido
 I moved? ʼTwas you were moved; you were brought hither.
 1.5.181713Castruccio
 But you, out of your anger and impatience,
 1.5.182714Caused us to be attached.
 715Candido
 Caused us to be attached.  Nay, you misplace it.
 1.5.183716Out of my quiet sufferance I did that,
 1.5.184717And not of any wrath. Had I shown anger,
 1.5.185718I should have then pursued you with the law,
 1.5.186719And hunted you to shame, as many worldlings
 1.5.187720Do build their anger upon feebler grounds – 
 1.5.188721The moreʼs the pity. Many lose their lives
 1.5.189722For scarce so much coin as will hide their palm,
 1.5.190723Which is most cruel. Those have vexèd spirits
 1.5.191724That pursue lives. In this opinion rest:
 1.5.192725The loss of millions could not move my breast.
 1.5.193726Fluello
 Thou art a blest man, and with peace dost deal;
 1.5.194727Such a meek spirit can bless a commonweal.
 1.5.195728Candido
 Gentlemen, now ʼtis upon eating-time,
 1.5.196729Pray part not hence, but dine with me today.
 1.5.197730Castruccio
 I never heard a courtier yet say nay
 1.5.198731To such a motion. Iʼll not be the first.
 1.5.199732Pioratto
 Nor I.
 1.5.200733Fluello
 Nor I.
 1.5.201734Candido
 The constable shall bear you company.
 1.5.202735George, call him in. Let the world say what it can,
 1.5.203736Nothing can drive me from a patient man. 
 1.5.203.1Exeunt.
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The Honest Whore, Part 1 (Modern)
