The Honest Whore, Part 2 (Modern)

 890.1[2.2]
 2.2.0.1891Enter Candido, Lodovico like a Prentice, [wearing false hair, and two Prentices, in the shop.]
 2.2.1892Lodovico
 Come, come, come, what do ye lack, sir? What 893do ye lack, sir? What isʼt ye lack, sir? Is not my worship 894well suited? Did you ever see a gentleman better disguised?
 2.2.2895Candido
 Never, believe me, signor.
 2.2.3896Lodovico
 Yes – but when he has been drunk. There be 897prentices would make mad gallants, for they would spend all, and 898drink, and whore, and so forth; and I see we gallants could 899make mad prentices. How does thy wife like me? Nay, I 900must not be so saucy; then I spoil all. Pray you, how does 901my mistress like me?
 902Candido
 Well; for she takes you for a very simple fellow.
 2.2.4903Lodovico
 And they that are taken for such are commonly 904the arrantest knaves. But to our comedy, come.
 2.2.5905Candido
 I shall not act it. Chide, you say, and fret,
 2.2.6906And grow impatient? I shall never doʼt.
 2.2.7907Lodovico
 ʼSblood, cannot you do as all the world does: 908counterfeit?
 2.2.8909Candido
 Were I a painter, that should live by drawing
 2.2.9910Nothing but pictures of an angry man,
 2.2.10I should not earn my 911colours; I cannot doʼt.
 2.2.11912Lodovico
 Remember youʼre a linen-draper, and that if you 913give your wife a yard, sheʼll take an ell. Give her not, 914therefore, a quarter of your yard, not a nail.
 2.2.12915Candido
 Say I should turn to ice, and nip her love
 2.2.13Now ʼtis 916but in the bud?
 917Lodovico
 Now ʼtis but in the bud?  Well, say sheʼs nipped.
 2.2.14918Candido
 It will so overcharge her heart with grief
 2.2.15919That, like a cannon, when her sighs go off
 2.2.16920She in her duty either will recoil
 2.2.17921Or break in pieces, and so die. Her death
 2.2.18922By my unkindness might be counted murder.
 2.2.19923Lodovico
 Die? Never, never! I do not bid you beat her, nor 924give her black eyes, nor pinch her sides; but cross her 925humours. Are not bakersʼ arms the scales of justice, yet 926is not their bread light? And may not you, I pray, bridle her 927with a sharp bit, yet ride her gently?
 2.2.20928Candido
 Well, I will try your pills.
 2.2.21Do you your faithful 929service, and be ready
 2.2.22Still at a pinch to help me in this 930part, 
 2.2.23Or else I shall be out clean.
 931Lodovico
 Or else I shall be out clean.  Come, come, Iʼll prompt you.
 2.2.24932Candido
 Iʼll call her forth now, shall I?
 933Lodovico
 Iʼll call her forth now, shall I?  Do, do, bravely.
 2.2.25934Candido
 [Calling out] Luke, I pray, bid your mistress to come hither.
 2.2.26935Lodovico
 [Calling out] Luke, I pray, bid your mistress to come hither.
 2.2.27936Candido
 [Calling out] Sirrah, bid my wife come to me. Why, when?
 2.2.28937Luke
 (Within) Presently, sir. She comes.
 2.2.29938Lodovico
 La you, thereʼs the echo. She comes.
 2.2.29.1Enter [the] Bride.
 2.2.30939Bride
 What is your pleasure with me?
 940Candido
 What is your pleasure with me?  Marry, wife,
 2.2.31941I have intent, and you see this stripling here:
 2.2.32942He bears good will and liking to my trade,
 2.2.33943And means to deal in linen.
 2.2.34944Lodovico
 Yes indeed, sir, I would deal in linen, if my 945mistress like me so well as I like her.
 2.2.35946Candido
 I hope to find him honest. Pray, good wife,
 2.2.36Look 947that his bed and chamber be made ready.
 2.2.37948Bride
 Youʼre best to let him hire me for his maid.
 2.2.38949I look to his bed? Look toʼt yourself.
 950Candido
 I look to his bed? Look toʼt yourself.  Even so?
 2.2.39951I swear to you a great oath – 
 952Lodovico
 I swear to you a great oath –   [Aside to him] Swear, cry ‘zoundsʼ!
 2.2.40953Candido
 I will not – go to, wife – I will not – 
 2.2.41954Lodovico
 [Aside to him] That your great oath?
 2.2.42955Candido
  –  swallow these gudgeons!
 2.2.43956Lodovico
 [Aside to him] Well said.
 2.2.44957Bride
 Then fast; then you may choose.
 958Candido
 Then fast; then you may choose.  You know at table
 2.2.45959What tricks you played – swaggered, broke glasses. Fie,
 2.2.46960Fie, fie, fie! And now, before my prentice here,
 2.2.47961You make an ass of me, thou – what shall I call thee?
 2.2.48962Bride
 Even what you will.
 963Lodovico
 Even what you will.  [Aside to him] Call her arrant whore.
 2.2.49964Candido
 [Aside to Lodovico] O fie, by no means! Then sheʼll call me cuckold.
 2.2.50965[Aloud to him] Sirrah, go look to thʼshop.
 [Aloud to him] Sirrah, go look to thʼshop.  [Aside to him] How does this show?
 2.2.51966Lodovico
 [Aside to him] Excellent well. [Aloud] Iʼll go look to the shop, sir. – Fine 967cambrics, lawns! What do you lack?
 2.2.51.1Exit Lodovico [into the shop].
 2.2.52968Candido
 A curst cowʼs milk I haʼ drunk once before,
 2.2.53969And ʼtwas so rank in taste Iʼll drink no more;
 2.2.54970Wife, Iʼll tame you.
 971Bride
 Wife, Iʼll tame you.  You may, sir, if you can;
 2.2.55972But at a wrestling I have seen a fellow
 2.2.56973Limbed like an ox thrown by a little man.
 2.2.57974Candido
 And so youʼll throw me? [Calling out] Reach me, knaves, a yard.
 2.2.58975Lodovico
 [Calling out] A yard for my master.
 2.2.58.1Lodovico returns with a yardstick from the shop, followed by the two Prentices.
 2.2.599761 Prentice 
 My master is grown valiant.
 2.2.60977Candido
 [To the Bride] Iʼll teach you fencing tricks.
 2.2.61978Prentices
 Rare, rare! A prize!
 2.2.62979Lodovico
 What will you do, sir?
 2.2.63980Candido
 Marry, my good prentice, nothing but breathe my wife.
 2.2.64981Bride
 Breathe me with your yard?
 2.2.65982Lodovico
 No, heʼll but measure you out, forsooth.
 2.2.66983Bride
 Since you‘ll needs fence, handle your weapon well,
 2.2.67984For if you take a yard, Iʼll take an ell.
 2.2.68985[To Lodovico] Reach me an ell.
 986Lodovico
 [To Lodovico] Reach me an ell.  An ell for my mistress.
 2.2.68.1[He fetches an ell-wand from the shop.]
 2.2.69987[Aside to Candido] Keep the laws of the noble science, sir, and measure weapons 988with her. Your yard is a plain heathenish weapon. ʼTis too 989short. She may give you a handful, and yet youʼll not reach her.
 2.2.70990Candido
 [Aside to him] Yet I haʼ the longer arm.
 [Aside to him] Yet I haʼ the longer arm.  [Aloud to the Bride] Come, fall toʼt roundly,
 2.2.71991And spare not me, wife, for Iʼll layʼt on soundly.
 2.2.72992If oʼer husbands their wives will needs be masters,
 2.2.73993We men will have a law to winʼt at wasters.
 2.2.74994Lodovico
 ʼTis for the breeches, isʼt not?
 995Candido
 ʼTis for the breeches, isʼt not?  For the breeches.
 2.2.75996Bride
 Husband, I am for you. Iʼll not strike in jest.
 2.2.76997Candido
 Nor I.
 998Bride
 Nor I.  But will you sign to one request?
 2.2.77999Candido
 Whatʼs that?
 1000Bride
 Whatʼs that?  Let me give the first blow.
 2.2.781001Candido
 The first blow, wife?
 The first blow, wife?  [Aside to Lodovico] Shall I? Prompt.
 1002Lodovico
 The first blow, wife? [Aside to Lodovico] Shall I? Prompt.  [Aside to Candido] Let her haʼt;
 2.2.791003If she strike hard, in to her, and break her pate.
 2.2.801004Candido
 [Aloud to the Bride] A bargain. Strike.
 1005Bride
 [Aloud to the Bride] A bargain. Strike.  Then guard from you this blow;
 2.2.811006For I play all at legs, but ʼtis thus low. She kneels.
 2.2.821007Behold, I am such a cunning fencer grown
 2.2.831008I keep my ground, yet down I will be thrown
 2.2.841009With the least blow you give me; I disdain
 2.2.851010The wife that is her husbandʼs sovereign.
 2.2.861011She that upon your pillow first did rest,
 2.2.871012They say, the breeches wore; which I detest.
 2.2.881013The tax which she imposed upon you I abate you;
 2.2.891014If me you make your master, I shall hate you.
 2.2.901015The world shall judge who offers fairest play;
 2.2.911016You win the breeches, but I win the day.
 2.2.921017Candido
 Thou winst the day indeed. Give me thy hand.
 2.2.92.1[He takes her by the hand and raises her.]
 2.2.931018Iʼll challenge thee no more. My patient breast
 2.2.941019Played thus the rebel only for a jest.
 2.2.951020[Indicating Lodovico] Hereʼs the rank rider that breaks colts; ʼtis he
 2.2.961021Can tame the mad folks and curst wives. 
 1022Bride
 Can tame the mad folks and curst wives.   Who, your man?
 2.2.971023Candido
 My man? My master, though his head be bare;
 2.2.981024But heʼs so courteous, heʼll put off his hair.
 2.2.991025Lodovico
 Nay, if your service be so hot a man cannot keep 1026his hair on, Iʼll serve you no longer. 
 2.2.99.1[He takes off his false hair.]
 2.2.1001027Bride
 Is this your schoolmaster?
 2.2.1011028Lodovico
 Yes, faith, wench; I taught him to take thee down. 1029I hope thou canst take him down without teaching. You 1030haʼ got the conquest, and you both are friends.
 2.2.1021031Candido
 Bear witness else.
 1032Lodovico
 Bear witness else.  My prenticeship then ends.
 2.2.1031033Candido
 For the good service you to me have done
 2.2.1041034I give you all your years.
 1035Lodovico
 I give you all your years.  I thank you, master.
 2.2.1051036Iʼll kiss my mistress now, that she may say:
 2.2.1061037‘My man was bound and free all in one day.ʼ
 2.2.106.1[Kisses her.] Exeunt.
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The Honest Whore, Part 2 (Modern)
