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  • Title: The Honest Whore, Part 1 (Quarto 2, 1604)
  • Editor: Joost Daalder
  • ISBN: 978-1-55058-490-5

    Copyright Digital Renaissance Editions. This text may be freely used for educational, non-profit purposes; for all other uses contact the Editor.
    Authors: Thomas Dekker, Thomas Middleton
    Editor: Joost Daalder
    Peer Reviewed

    The Honest Whore, Part 1 (Quarto 2, 1604)

    Converted Curtezan
    The Humours of the Patient Man,
    0.005and the Longing Wife.
    Tho: Dekker.
    Printed by V. S. and are to be solde by Iohn
    Hodgets at his shoppe in Paules
    0.010church-yard 1604
    The converted Curtezan
    Enter at one doore a Funerall, a Coronet lying on the Hearse, Scut-
    chins and Garlands hanging on the sides, attended by Gasparo
    Trebatzi, Duke of Millan, Castruchio, Sinezi. Pioratto
    5 Fluello, and others at an other doore. Enter Hipolito in discon-
    tented apparance: Matheo a Gentleman his friend, labouring
    to hold him backe.
    BEhold, yon Commet shewes his head againe;
    10Twice hath he thus at crosse-turnes throwne on vs
    Prodigious lookes: Twice hath he troubled
    The waters of our eyes. See, hee's turnde wilde;
    Go on in Gods name.
    All On afore there ho.
    15Duke Kinsmen and friends, take from your manly sides
    Your weapons to keepe backe the desprate boy
    From doing violence to the innocent dead.
    Hipolito I pry thee deere Matheo.
    Matheo Come, y'are mad.
    20Hip: I do arest thee murderer: set downe.
    Villaines set downe that sorrow, tis all mine.
    Duke I do beseech you all, for my bloods sake
    Send hence your milder spirits, and let wrath
    Ioine in confederacie with your weapons points;
    25If he proceede to vexe vs, let your swordes
    Seeke out his bowells: funerall griefe loathes words.
    All Set on.
    Hip. Set downe the body.
    Mat: O my Lord?
    30Y'are wrong: i'th open streete? you see shees dead.
    Hip: I know shee is not dead.
    Duke Franticke yong man,
    Wilt thou beleeve these gentlemen? pray speake:
    A 2
    The converted Curtezan.
    Thou doost abuse my childe, and mockst the teares
    35That heere are shed for her: If to behold
    Those roses withered, that set out her cheekes:
    That paire of starres that gave her body light,
    Darkned and dim for ever: All those rivers
    That fed her veines with warme and crimson streames,
    40Frozen and dried vp: If these be signes of death,
    Then is she dead. Thou vnreligious youth,
    Art not ashamde to emptie all these eyes
    Of funerall teares, (a debt due to the dead,)
    As mirth is to the living: Sham'st thou not
    45To have them stare on thee? harke, thou art curst
    Even to thy face, by those that scarce can speake.
    Hip. My Lord.
    Duke What wouldst thou have? is she not dead?
    Hip. Oh, you ha killd her by your crueltie.
    50Duke Admit I had, thou killst her now againe;
    And art more savage then a barbarous Moore.
    Hip. Let me but kisse her pale and bloodlesse lip.
    Duke O fie, fie, fie.
    Hip. Or if not touch her, let me looke on her.
    55Math. As you regard your honour.
    Hip. Honour! smoake.
    Math. Or if you lov'de hir living, spare her now.
    Duke I, well done sir, you play the gentleman:
    Steale hence: tis nobly done: away: Ile ioyne
    60My force to yours, to stop this violent torment:
    Passe on. Exeunt with funerall.
    Hip. Matheo, thou doost wound me more.
    Math. I give you phisicke noble friend, not wounds,
    Duke Oh well said, well done, a true gentleman:
    65Alacke, I know the sea of lovers rage
    Comes rushing with so strong a tide: it beates
    And beares downe all respects of life, of honour,
    Of friends, of foes, forget her gallant youth.
    Hip. Forget her?
    70Duke Na, na, be but patient:
    For why deaths hand hath sued a strict divorse
    The converted Curtezan.
    Twixt her and thee: whats beautie but a coarse?
    What but faire sand-dust are earths purest formes:
    Queenes bodies are but trunckes to put in wormes.
    75Matheo Speake no more sentences, my good lord, but slip
    hence; you see they are but fits, ile rule him I warrant ye. I, so,
    treade gingerly, your Grace is heere somewhat too long alrea-
    dy. Sbloud the jeast were now, if having tane some knockes
    o'th pate already, he should get loose againe, and like a madde
    80Oxe, tosse my new blacke cloakes into the kennell. I must hu-
    mour his lordship: my lord Hipolito, is it in your stomacke to
    goe to dinner?
    Hipolito Where is the body?
    Matheo The body, as the Duke spake very wisely, is gone
    85to be wormd.
    Hipolito I cannot rest, ile meete it at next turne,
    Ile see how my love lookes, Mathaeo holds him ins armes
    Mathaeo How your love lookes? worse than a scarre-crowe,
    wrastle not with me: the great felow gives the fall for a duckat.
    90Hipolito I shall forget my selfe.
    Mathaeo Pray do so, leave your selfe behinde your selfe, and
    go whither you will. Sfoote, doe you long to have base roags
    that maintaine a saint Anthonies fire in their noses (by nothing
    but two peny Ale) make ballads of you? if the Duke had but so
    95much mettle in him, as is in a coblers awle, he would ha beene a
    vext thing: he and his traine had blowne you vp, but that their
    powlder haz taken the wet of cowards: youle bleed three pot-
    tles of Aligant, by this light, if you follow em, and then wee
    shall have a hole made in a wrong place, to have Surgeons roll
    100thee vp like a babie in swadling clowts.
    Hipolito What day is to day, Mathaeo?
    Mathaeo Yea mary, this is an easie question: why to day is,
    let me see, thurseday. Hipolito Oh, thurseday.
    Mathaeo Heeres a coile for a dead commoditie, sfoote wo-
    105men when they are alive are but dead commodities, for you
    shall have one woman lie vpon many mens hands.
    Hipolito Shee died on monday then.
    Mathaeo And thats the most villainous day of all the weeke
    to die in: and she was wel, and eate a messe of water-grewel on
    A 3 monday
    The converted Curtezan.
    110monday morning.
    Hipolito I, it cannot be,
    Such a bright taper should burne out so soone.
    Mathaeo O yes my Lord, so soone: why I ha knowne them,
    that at dinner have bin aswell, and had so much health, that they
    115were glad to pledge it, yet before three a clocke have bin found
    dead drunke.
    Hipolito On thurseday buried! and on monday died,
    Quicke haste birlady: sure her winding sheete
    Was laide out fore her bodie, and the wormes
    120That now must feast with her, were even bespoke,
    And solemnely invited like strange guests.
    Mathaeo Strange feeders they are indeede my lord, and like
    your jeaster or yong Courtier, will enter vpon any mans tren-
    cher without bidding.
    125Hipolito Curst be that day for ever that robd her
    Of breath, and me of blisse, hencefoorth let it stand
    Within the Wizardes booke (the kalendar)
    Markt with a marginall finger, to be chosen
    By theeves, by villaines, and blacke murderers,
    130As the best day for them to labour in.
    If hencefoorth this adulterous bawdy world
    Be got with childe with treason, sacrilege,
    Atheisme, rapes, treacherous friendship, periurie,
    Slaunder, (the beggars sinne) lies, (sinne of fooles)
    135Or anie other damnd impieties,
    On Monday let em be delivered:
    I sweare to thee Mathaeo, by my soule.
    Heereafter weekely on that day ile glew
    Mine eie-lids downe, because they shall not gaze
    140On any female cheeke. And being lockt vp
    In my close chamber, there ile meditate
    On nothing but my Infaelices end,
    Or on a dead mans scull drawe out mine owne.
    Mathaeo Youle doe all these good workes now every mon-
    145day, because it is so bad: but I hope vppon tuesday morning I
    shall take you with a wench.
    Hipolito If ever whilst fraile bloud through my veins runne,
    The converted Curtezan.
    On womans beames I throw affection,
    Save her thats dead: or that I loosely flie
    150To'th shoare of any other wafting eie,
    Let me not prosper heaven. I will be true,
    Even to her dust and ashes: could her tombe
    Stand whilst I livde, so long that it might rot,
    That should fall downe, but she be ne're forgot.
    155Mathaeo If you have this strange monster, Honestie, in
    your belly, why so Iig-makers and chroniclers shall picke som-
    thing out of you: but and I smell not you and a bawdy house
    out within these tenne daies, let my nose be as bigge as an En-
    glish bag-pudding: Ile followe your lordship, though it be to
    160the place aforenamed. Exeunt.
    Enter Fustigo in some fantastike Sea-suite at one
    doore, a Porter meets him at another.
    Fust. How now porter, will she come?
    Porter If I may trust a woman sir, she will come.
    165Fust. Theres for thy paines, godamercy, if ever I stand in
    neede of a wench that will come with a wet finger, Porter, thou
    shalt earne my mony before anie Clarissimo in Millane; yet so
    god sa mee shees mine owne sister body and soule, as I am a
    christian Gentleman; farewell, ile ponder till shee come: thou
    170hast bin no bawde in fetching this woman, I assure thee.
    Porter No matter if I had sir, better men than Porters are
    Fust. O God sir, manie that have borne offices. But Por-
    ter, art sure thou wentst into a true house?
    175Porter I thinke so, for I met with no thieves.
    Fust. Nay but arte sure it was my sister Viola.
    Porter I am sure by all superscriptions it was the partie you (ciphered.
    Fust. Not very tall.
    Porter Nor very lowe, a midling woman.
    180Fust. Twas she faith, twas she, a prettie plumpe cheeke like (mine.
    Porter At a blush, a little very much like you.
    Fust. Gods so, I would not for a duckat she had kickt vp hir
    heeles, for I ha spent an abomination this voyage, marie I
    did it amongst sailers and gentlemen: theres a little modicum
    The converted Curtezan.
    185more porter for making thee stay, farewell honest porter.
    Porter I am in your debt sir, God preserve you. Exit.
    Enter Viola.
    Fu. Not so neither, good porter, gods lid, yonder she coms.
    Sister Viola, I am glad to see you stirring: its newes to have mee
    190heere, ist not sister?
    Viola Yes trust me: I wondred who should be so bolde to
    send for me, you are welcome to Millan brother.
    Fust. Troth sister I heard you were married to a verie rich
    chuffe, and I was very sorie for it, that I had no better clothes,
    195and that made me send: for you knowe wee Millaners love to
    strut vpon Spanish leather. And how does all our friends?
    Viola Very well; you ha travelled enough now, I trowe, to
    sowe your wilde oates.
    Fust. A pox on em; wilde oates, I ha not an oate to throw
    200at a horse, troth sister I ha sowde my oates, and reapt 200.
    duckats if I had em, heere, mary I must intreate you to lend me
    some thirty or forty till the ship come, by this hand ile discharge
    at my day, by this hand.
    Viola These are your olde oaths.
    205Fust. Why sister, doe you thinke ile forsweare my hand?
    Viola Well, well, you shall have them: put your selfe into
    better fashion, because I must imploy you in a serious matter.
    Fust. Ile sweare like a horse if I like the matter.
    Uiola You ha cast off all your olde swaggering humours.
    210Fust. I had not sailde a league in that great fish-pond (the
    sea) but I cast vp my very gall.
    Viola I am the more sory, for I must imploy a true swagge-
    Fust. Nay by this yron sister, they shall finde I am powlder
    215and touch-box, if they put fire once into me.
    Uiola Then lend me your eares.
    Fust. Mine eares are yours deere sister.
    Uiola I am married to a man that haz wealth enough, and
    wit enough.
    220Fust. A linnen Draper I was tolde sister.
    Viola Very true, a grave Cittizen; I want nothing that a
    wife can wish from a husband: but heeres the spite, hee haz
    The converted Curtezan.
    not all things belonging to a man.
    Fust: Gods my life, hees a very mandrake, or else (God blesse
    225vs,) one a these whiblins, and thats woorse, and then all the chil-
    dren that he gets lawfully of your body sister, are bastards by
    a statute.
    Vio. O you runne over me too fast brother; I have heard it
    often said, that he who cannot be angry, is no man. I am sure
    230my husband is a man in print, for all things else, save onely in
    this, no tempest can move him.
    Fust. Slid, would he had beene at sea with vs, hee should ha
    beene movde and movde agen, for Ile be sworne la, our drun-
    ken ship reelde like a Dutchman.
    235Viola No losse of goods can increase in him a wrinckle, no
    crabbed language make his countenance sowre, the stubburn-
    nes of no servant shake him, he haz no more gall in him than a
    Dove, no more sting than an Ant: Musitian will he never bee,
    (yet I finde much musicke in him,) but he loves no frets, and is
    240so free from anger, that many times I am readie to bite off my
    tongue, because it wants that vertue which all womens tongues
    have (to anger their hu bands:) Brother, mine can by no thun-
    der turne him into a sharpenes.
    Fust. Belike his blood sister, is well brewd then.
    245Uiola I protest to thee Fustigo, I love him most affecti-
    onately, but I know not ---- I ha such a tickling with-
    in mee ---- such a strange longing; nay, verily I doo
    Fustigo Then y'are with childe sister; by all signes and
    250tokens; nay, I am partly a Phisitian, and partly something
    else. I ha read Albertus Magnus, and Aristotles em-
    Uiola Y'are wide ath bow hand still brother: my longings
    are not wanton, but wayward: I long to have my patient hus-
    255band eate vp a whole Porcupine, to the intent, the bristling
    quills may sticke about his lips like a flemish mustacho, and be
    shot at mee: I shall be leaner than the new Moone, vnlesse I
    can make him horne mad.
    Fust: Sfoote halfe a quarter of an houre does that: make him
    260a cuckold.
    B Viola
    The converted Curtezan.
    Wife: Puh, he would count such a cut no vnkindenes.
    Fust. The honester Cittizen he; then make him drunke and
    cut off his beard.
    Wife Fie, fie, idle, idle, hee's no French-man to fret at the
    265losse of a little scalde haire. No brother, thus it shall be, you must
    be secret.
    Fu: As your Mid-wife I protest sister, or a Barber-surgeon.
    Wife Repaire to the Tortoys heere in S. Christophers streete,
    I will send you mony; turne your selfe into a brave man: insteed
    270of the armes of your mistris, let your sword and your militarie
    scarfe hang about your necke.
    Fust. I must have a great Horse-mans French feather too
    Wife O, by any meanes to shew your light head, else your
    275hat will sit like a coxcombe: to be briefe, you must bee in all
    points a most terrible wide-mouth'd swaggerer:
    Fust: Nay, for swaggering points let me alone.
    Wife Resort then to our shop, & (in my husbands presence)
    kisse me, snatch rings, jewells, or any thing, so you give it backe
    280agen brother in secret.
    Fust: By this hand sister.
    Wife Sweare as if you came but new from knight-
    Fust. Nay, ile sweare after 400. a yeare.
    285Wife Swagger worse then a Lievetenant among fresh water
    souldiers, call me your love, your yngle, your coosen, or so; but
    sister at no hand.
    Fust: No, no, it shall be coosen, or rather cuz, thats the gul-
    ling word betweene the Cittizens wives & their mad-caps,
    290that man em to the garden; to call you one a my naunts sister,
    were as good as call you arrant whoore: no, no, let me alone to
    cosen you rarely.
    Wife H'az heard I have a brother, but never saw him, there-
    fore put on a good face.
    295Fust: The best in Millan I warrant.
    Wife Take vp wares, but pay nothing, rifle my bosome, my
    pocket, my purse, the boxes for mony to dice with all; but bro-
    ther, you must give all backe agen in secret.
    The converted Curtezan.
    Fustigo By this welkin that heere roares I will, or else
    300let mee never know what a secret is: why sister do you thinke
    Ile cunni-catch you, when you are my coosen, Gods my life,
    then I were a starke Asse; if I fret not his guts, beg me for a
    Wife Be circumspect, and do so then, farewell.
    305Fust: The Tortoys sister! Ile stay there; fortie duckats. Exit.
    Wife Thither Ile send: this law can none deny,
    Women must have their longings, or they die. Exit.
    Gasparo the Duke, Doctor Benedict, two seruants.
    Duke Give charge that none do enter, locke the doores;
    310And fellowes, what your eies and eares receave,
    Vpon your lives trust not the gadding aire:
    To carrie the least part of it, the glasse, the houre-glasse,
    Doctor Heere my Lord.
    Duke. Ah, tis meere spent.
    315But Doctor Benedick, does your Art speake truth?
    Art sure the soporiferous streame will ebbe,
    And leave the Christall banks of her white body
    (Pure as they were at first,) iust at the houre?
    Doctor Iust at the houre my Lord.
    320Duke Vncurtaine her.
    Softly, see Doctor what a coldish heate
    Spreads over all her bodie.
    Doctor Now it workes:
    The vitall spirits that by a sleepie charme
    325Were bound vp fast and threw an icie rust
    On her exterior parts, now gin to breake:
    Trouble her not my Lord.
    Duke Some stooles, you calld
    For musicke, did you not? Oh ho, it speakes,
    330It speakes, watch sirs her waking, note those sands,
    Doctor sit downe: A Dukedome that should wey
    Mine owne downe twice, being put into one scale,
    And that fond desperate boy Hipolito,
    Making the weight vp, should not (at my hands)
    335Buy her i'th tother, were her state more light
    Than hers, who makes a dowrie vp with almes.
    B 2 Doctor
    The converted Curtezan.
    Doctor Ile starve her on the Appenine
    Ere he shall marry her: I must confesse,
    Hipolito is nobly borne, a man;
    340Did not mine enemies blood boile in his veines,
    Whom I would court to be my sonne in law?
    But Princes whose high spleenes for empery swell,
    Are not with easie Arte made paralell.
    2 Ser. She wakes my Lord. Duke Looke Doctor Benedict.
    345I charge you on your lives maintaine for truth,
    What ere the Doctor or my selfe averre,
    For you shall beare her hence to Bergamo
    Inf: Oh God, what fearefull dreames?
    Doctor Lady. Inf. Ha.
    350Duke Girle.
    Why Infaelica, how ist now, ha, speake?
    Inf. I'me well, what makes this Doctor heere? I'me well.
    Duke Thou wert not so even now, sicknes pale hand
    Laid hold on thee even in the midst} of feasting;
    355And when a cup crownde with thy lovers health
    Had toucht thy lips, a sencible cold dew
    Stood on thy cheekes, as if that death had wept
    To see such beautie alter.
    Inf. I remember
    360I sate at banquet, but felt no such change.
    Duke Thou hast forgot then how a messenger
    Came wildely in with this vnsavorie newes,
    That he was dead.
    Inf. What messenger? whoes dead?
    365Duke Hipolito, alacke, wring not thy hands.
    Inf. I saw no messenger, heard no such newes.
    Doctor Trust me you did sweete Lady.
    Duke La you now. 2 Servants Yes indeede Madam.
    Duke La you now, tis well good knaves.
    370Inf. You ha slaine him, and now you'le murder me.
    Duke Good Infelica vexe not thus thy selfe,
    Of this the bad report before did strike
    So coldly to thy heart, that the swift currents
    Of life were all frozen vp.
    The converted Curtezan.
    375Inf. It is vntrue,
    Tis most vntrue, O most vnnaturall father!
    Duke And we had much to do by Arts best cunning,
    To fetch life backe againe.
    Doctor Most certaine Lady.
    380Duke Why la you now, you'le not beleeve mee, friends,
    Sweate we not all? had we not much to do?
    2 Ser. Yes indeede my Lord, much.
    Duke Death drew such fearefull pictures in thy face,
    That were Hipolito alive agen,
    385I'de kneele and woo the noble gentleman
    To be thy husband: now I fore repent
    My sharpenes to him, and his family;
    Nay, do not weepe for him, we all must die:
    Doctor, this place where she so oft hath seene
    390His lively presence, hurts her, does it not?
    Doctor Doubtlesse my Lord it does.
    Duke It does, it does:
    Therefore sweete girle thou shalt to Bergamo.
    Inf. Even where you will, in any place theres woe.
    395Duke A Coach is ready, Bergamo doth stand
    In a most wholesome aire, sweete walkes, theres diere,
    I, thou shalt hunt and send vs venison,
    Which like some goddesse in the Ciprian groves,
    Thine owne faire hand shall strike; sirs, you shall teach her
    400To stand, and how to shoote, I, she shall hunt:
    Cast off this sorrow. In girle, and prepare
    This night to ride away to Bergamo.
    Inf. O most vnhappie maid. Exit.
    Duke Follow her close.
    405No words that she was buried on your lives,
    Or that her ghost walkes now after shees dead;
    Ile hang you if you name a funerall.
    1 Ser. Ile speake Greeke my Lord, ere I speake that dead-
    ly word.
    4102 Ser. And Ile speake Welch, which is harder then Greek. ( Exeunt.
    Duke Away, looke to her; Doctor Benedict,
    Did you observe how her complexion altered
    B 3 Vpon
    The converted Curtezan.
    Vpon his name and death, O would t'were true.
    Doctor It may my Lord.
    415Duke May? how? I wish his death.
    Doctor And you may have your wish; say but the word,
    And tis a strong Spell to rip vp his grave:
    I have good knowledge with Hipolito;
    He calls me friend, ile creepe into his bosome,
    420And sting him there to death; poison can doo't.
    Duke Performe it; ile create thee halfe mine heire.
    Doctor It shall be done, although the fact be fowle.
    Duke Greatnes hides sin, the guilt vpon my soule. Exeunt
    Enter Castruchio, Pioratto, and Fluello.
    425Cast: Signior Pioratto, signior Fluello, shalls be merry? shalls
    play the wags now?
    Flu: I, any thing that may beget the childe of laughter.
    Cast: Truth I have a prettie sportive conceit new crept into
    my braine, will moove excellent mirth.
    430Pio: Let's ha't, let's ha't, and where shall the sceane of mirth (lie?
    Cast. At signior Candidoes house, the patient man; nay the
    monstrous patient man; they say his bloud is immoveable, that
    he haz taken all patience from a man, and all constancie from
    a woman.
    435Flu: That makes so many whores nowadaies.
    Cast: I, and so many knaves too.
    Pio: Well sir.
    Cast: To conclude, the report goes, hee's so milde, so affa-
    ble, so suffering, that nothing indeede can move him: now do
    440but thinke what sport it will be to make this fellow (the mirror
    of patience) as angry, as vext, and as madde as an English cuc-
    Flu. O, t'were admirable mirth, that: but how wilt be done
    445Cast: Let me alone, I have a tricke, a conceit, a thing, a de-
    vise will sting him yfaith, if he have but a thimble full of blood
    in's belly, or a spleene not so bigge as a taverne token.
    Pio: Thou stirre him? thou moove him? thou anger him?
    alas, I know his approoved temper: thou vex him? why hee
    450haz a patience above mans iniuries: thou maist sooner raise a
    The converted Curtezan.
    spleene in an Angell, than rough humour in him: why ile give
    you instance for it. This wonderfully temperd signior Candido
    vpon a time invited home to his house certaine Neapolitane
    lords of curious taste, and no meane pallats, conjuring his wife
    455of all loves, to prepare cheere fitting for such honourable tren-
    cher-men. She (just of a womans nature, covetous to try the
    vttermost of vexation, and thinking at last to get the starte of
    his humour,) willingly neglected the preparation, and became
    vnfurnisht, not onely of daintie, but of ordinarie dishes. He (ac-
    460cording to the mildenesse of his breast,) entertained the lords,
    and with courtly discourse beguiled the time (as much as a Cit-
    tizen might do:) To conclude, they were hungry lordes, for
    there came no meate in; their stomacks were plainely gulld,
    and their teeth deluded, and (if anger could have seizd a man,)
    465there was matter enough yfaith to vexe any Citizen in the
    world, if he were not too much made a foole by his wife.
    Flu: I, ile sweare for't: sfoote, had it beene my case, I should
    ha plaide mad trickes with my wife and family: first I would
    ha spitted the men, stewd the maides, and bak't the mistresse,
    470and so served them in.
    Pio: Why t'would ha tempted any blood but his,
    And thou to vexe him? thou to anger him
    With some poore shallow jest?
    Cast: Sblood signior Pioratto, (you that disparage my con-
    475ceit,) ile wage a hundred duckats vppon the head on't, that it
    mooves him, frets him, and galles him.
    Pio: Done, tis a lay, ioyne golls on't: witnes signior Fluello.
    Cast: Witnes, tis done:
    Come, follow me; the house is not farre off,
    480Ile thrust him from his humour, vex his breast,
    And win a hundred duckats by one jest. Exeunt.
    Enter Candidoes wife, George, and two prentices
    in the shoppe.
    Wife Come, you put vp your wares in good order heere, do
    485you not thinke you? one peece cast this way, another that way,
    you had neede have a patient master indeede.
    The converted Curtezan.
    George I, ile be sworne, for we have a curst mistris.
    Wife You mumble, do you mumble? I would your maister
    or I could be a note more angry: for two patient folkes in a
    490house, spoile all the servants that ever shall come vnder them.
    1 Prentise You patient! I, so is the divell when he is horne
    Enter Castruchio, Fluello, and Pioratto.
    All three Gentlemen, what do you lacke? what ist you buy?
    495See fine hollands, fine cambrickes, fine lawnes.
    George What ist you lacke?
    2 Pren. What ist you buy?
    Cast. Wheres signior Candido thy master?
    George Faith signior hees a little negotiated, hee'le appeare (presently.
    500Cast. Fellow, lets see a lawne, a choise one sirra.
    George The best in all Millan Gentlemen, and this is the
    peece. I can fit you Gentlemen with fine callicoes too for dub-
    lets, the onely sweete fashion now, most delicate and courtly, a
    meeke gentle callico, cut vpon two double affable taffataes, ah,
    505most neate, feate, and vnmatchable.
    Flu. A notable-voluble tongde villaine.
    Pio. I warrant this fellow was never begot without much
    Cast. What, and is this she saist thou?
    510George I, and the purest she that ever you fingerd since you
    were a gentleman: looke how even she is, look how cleane she
    is, ha, as even as the browe of Cinthia, and as cleane as your sons
    and heires when they ha spent all.
    Cast. Puh, thou talkst, pox on't tis rough.
    515George How? is she rough? but if you bid pox on't sir, t'will
    take away the roughnes presently.
    Flu. Ha signior; haz he fitted your French curse?
    GeorgeLooke you Gentleman, heeres another, compare
    them I pray, compara Virgilium cum Homero, compare virgins
    520with harlots.
    Cast. Puh, I ha seene better, and as you terme them, evener
    and cleaner.
    Geo. You may see further for your minde, but trust me
    you shall not finde better for your bodie. Enter Candido.
    525Cast. O heere he comes, lets make as tho we passe:
    Come, come, weele try in some other shop.
    Can. How now? what's the matter?
    Geo. The gentlemen find fault with this lawne, fall out
    with it, and without a cause too.
    530Can Without a cause!
    And that makes you to let em passe away,
    Ah, may I craue a word with you gentlemen?
    Flu. He calls vs.
    Cast. Makes the better for the iest.
    535Can. I pray come neare, y'are very welcome gallants,
    Pray pardon my mans rudenes, for I feare me
    H'as talkt aboue a prentise with you, ---- Lawnes!
    Looke you kind gentlemen, -- this! no: -- I this:
    Take this vpon my honest-dealing faith,
    540To be a true weaue, not too hard, nor slack,
    But euen as farre from falshood, as from blacke.
    Cast. Well, how doe you rate it?
    Can. Very conscionable, 18. a yard.
    Cast. That's too deare: how many yards does the whole
    545piece containe thinke you?
    Cand. Why some 17. yardes I thinke, or there abouts:
    How much would serue your tutne, I pray?
    Cast. Why let me see, -- would it were better too.
    Cand. Truth, tis the best in Millan at few words.
    550Cast. Well: let me haue then - a whole penny-worth.
    Cand. Ha, ha, y'are a merrie gentleman,
    Cast. A pennorth I say.
    Cand. Of lawne!
    Cast. Of lawne? I of lawne, a pennorth, sblood doost not
    555heare? a whole pennorth, are you deafe?
    Cand. Deafe? no Syr: but I must tell you,
    Our wares do seldome meete such customers.
    Cast. Nay, and you and your lawnes bee so squemish,
    Fare you well.
    560Cand. Pray stay, a word, pray Signior for what purpose
    is it I beseech you?
    C Cast.
    Cast. Sblood, whats that to you? Ile haue a penny-worth.
    Can. A penny-worth! why you shall: Ile serue you pre-(sently.
    2. Pren. Sfoot, a penny-worth mistris!
    565Mist. A penny-worth! call you these gentlemen?
    Cast. No, no, not there.
    Can. What then kinde gentleemen, what at this corner (heere?
    Cast. No nor there neither:
    Ile haue it iust in the middle, or else not.
    570Can. Iust in the middle:- ha - you shall too: what?
    Haue you a single pennie?
    Cast. Yes, heeres one. Can. Lend it me I pray.
    Flu. An exlent followed iest.
    Wife. What will he spoile the lawne now?
    575Can. Patience good wife.
    Wife. I, that patience makes a foole of you: Gentlemen,
    you might ha found found some other Cittizen to haue
    made a kinde gull on, besides my husband.
    Can. Pray Gentlemen take her to be a woman,
    580Do not regard her language.----O kinde soule:
    Such words will driue away my customers.
    Wif Customers with a murren: call you these customers?
    Can. Patience, good wife. Wife. Pax a your patience.
    Geor. Sfoot mistrisse, I warrant these are some cheating
    Can. Looke you Gentlemen, theres your ware, I thanke
    you, I haue your mony: heere, pray know my shop, let me (haue your custome.
    Wife. Custome puoth a.
    Can. Let me take more of your mony.
    590Wife. You had neede so.
    Pio. Harke in thine eare, tha'st lost a hundred duckets.
    Cast. Well, well, I know't: ist possible that Homo
    Should be nor man, nor woman: not once mou'd:
    No not at such an iniurie, not at all!
    595Sure hees a pigeon, for he haz no gall.
    Ful Come, come, y'are angry tho you smother it:
    Y'are vext yfaith,- confesse. Can. Why Gentlemen,
    Should you conceit me to be vext or mou'd?
    He has my ware, I haue his money fort,
    600And thats no Argument I am angry: no,
    The best Logitian can not proue me so.
    Flu. oh, but the hatefull name of a pennyworth of lawne,
    And then cut out ith middle of the peece:
    Pah, I guesse it by my selfe, twould moue a Lambe
    605Were he a Lynnen-draper - twould ifaith.
    Can. Well, giue me leaue to answere you for that,
    We are set here to please all customers,
    Their humours and their fancies: -offend none:
    We get by many, if we leese by one.
    610May be his minde stood to no more then that,
    A penworth serues him, and mongst trades tis (found.
    Deny a pennorth, it may crosse a pound.
    Oh, he that meanes to thriue with patient eye,
    Must please the diuell, if he come to buy.
    615Flu. O wondrous man, patient boue wrong or wo,
    How blest were men, if women could be so.
    Can. And to expresse how well my brest is pleasde,
    And satisfied in all: - George, fill a beaker. Exit George.
    Ile drinke vnto that Gentleman, who lately
    620Bestowed his mony with me. Wife. Gods my life,
    We shall haue all our gaines drunke out in beakers,
    To make amends for pennyworths of lawne. Enter Georg.
    Can. Here wife, begin you to the Gentleman.
    Wife. I begin to him. Can. George, filt vp againe:
    625Twas my fault, my hand shooke. Exit George.
    Pio. How strangely this doth showe?
    A patient man linkt with a waspish shrowe.
    Flu. A siluer and gilt beaker: I haue a tricke
    To worke vpon that beaker, sure twil fret him,
    630It cannot choose but vexe him, Seig. Castruchio,
    In pittie to thee, I haue a cōceit,
    Wil saue thy 100. Duckets yet, twil doot,
    And worke him to impatience.
    Cast. Sweet Fluello, I should be bountiful to that conceit.
    635Flu. Well tis enough. Enter George.
    Can. Here Gentleman to you,
    I wish your custome, yare exceeding welcome.
    Cast. I pledge you Seig. Candido, heere you, that must re-
    ceiue a 100. Duccats. C 2 Pio.
    640Pior. Ile pledge them deepe yfaith Castruchio,
    Signior Fluello.
    Flu. Come play't off: to me, I am your last man.
    Cand. George, supply the cup.
    Flu. So, so, good honest George,
    645Heere Signior Candido, all this to you.
    Cand. Oh you must pardon me, I vse it not.
    Flu. Will you not pledge me then?
    Cand. Yes, but not that:
    Great loue is showne in little.
    650Flu. Blurt on your sentences, - Sfoot you shall pledge
    mee all.
    Cand. Indeede I shall not.
    Flu. Not pledge mee? Sblood Ile carry away the beaker
    655Cand. The beaker! Oh! that at your pleasure sir.
    Flu. Now by this drinke I will.
    Cast. Pledge him, hee'le do't else.
    Ful. So, I ha done you right, on my thumbenaile,
    What will you pledge me now?
    660Cand. You know me sir, I am not of that sin.
    Flu. Why then farewellr
    Ile beare away the beaker by this light.
    Cand. Thats as you please, tis very good.
    Flu. Nay it doth please me, and as you say tis a very good (one:
    665Farewell Signior Candido.
    Pio. Farewell Candido.
    Cand. Y'are welcome gentlemen.
    Cast. Heart not mou'd yet?
    I thinke his patience is aboue your wit. Exeunt.
    670Geor. I tolde you before mistresse, they were all cheaters.
    Wife Why foole, why husband, why mad-man, I hope
    you will not let 'em sneake away so with a siluer and gilt
    beaker, the best in the house too: goe fellowes make hue and
    crie after them.
    675Cand. Pray let your tongue be still, all will be well:
    Come hither George, hie to the Constable,
    And in all calme order wish him to attach them:
    Make no great stirre, because they're gentlemen,
    And a thing partly done in meriment.
    680Tis but a size aboue a iest thou knowst,
    Therefore pursue it mildly, goe be gone,
    The Constabl's hard by, bring him along, - make hast a-(gaine.
    Wife. O y'are a goodly patient Woodcocke, are you not
    now? (Exit George.
    685See what your patiēce comes too: euery one sadles you, and
    rides you, youle be shortly the common stone-horse of
    Myllan: a womans well holp't vp with such a meacocke, I
    had rather haue a husband that would swaddle me thrice a
    day, then such a one, that will be guld twice in halfe an how-
    690er. Oh I could burne all the wares in my shop for anger.
    Cand. Pray weare a peacefull temper, be my wife,
    That is, be patient: for a wife and husband
    Share but one soule between them: this being knowne
    Why should not one soule then agree in one? Exit.
    695Wife Hang your agreements: but if my beaker be gone.
    Enter Castruchio, Fluello, Pioratto, and George.
    Cand. Oh, here they come.
    Geor. The Constable syr, let 'em come along with me,
    because there should be no wondring, he staies at dore.
    700Cast. Constable goodman Abram.
    Flu. Now signior Candido, Sblood why doe you attach (vs?
    Cast. Sheart! attach vs!
    Cand. Nay sweare not gallants,
    Your oathes may moue your soules, but not moue me,
    705You haue a siluer beaker of my wiues.
    Elu. You say not true: tis gilt.
    Cand. Then you say true.
    And being gilt, the guilt lyes more on you.
    Cast. I hope y'are not angry syr.
    710Cand. Then you hope right, for I am not angry.
    Pio. No, but a little mou'de.
    Cand. I mou'de! twas you were mou'd, you were brought (hither.
    Cast But you (out of your anger & impatience,)
    Caus'd vs to be attacht.
    715Cand. Nay you misplace it.
    C 3 Out
    Out of my quiet sufferance I did that,
    And not of any wrath, had I showne anger,
    I should haue then pursude you with the lawe,
    And hunted you to shame, as many worldlings
    720Doe build their anger vpon feebler groundes;
    The mores the pitty, many loose their liues
    For scarce so much coyne as will hide their palme,
    Which is most cruell, those haue vexed spirits
    That pursue liues: in this opinion rest,
    725The losse of Millions could not moue my brest.
    Flu. Thou art a blest man, and with peace doest deale,
    Such a meeke spirit can blesse a common weale.
    Cand. Gentlemen, now tis vpon eating time,
    Pray part not hence, but dyne with me today.
    730Cast. I neuer heard a courtier yet say nay
    To such a motion. Ile not be the first.
    Pio. Nor I.
    Flu. Nor I.
    Cand. The constable shall beare you company,
    735George call him in, let the world say what it can,
    Nothing can driue me from a patient man. (Exeunt.
    Enter Roger with a stoole, cushin, looking-glasse and chafing-dish.
    Those being set downe, he pulls out of his pocket, a violl with
    white cullor in it. And 2. boxes, one with white, another red
    740 painting, he places all things in order & a candle by thē, singing
    with the ends of old Ballads as he does it. At last Bella-
    front (as he rubs his cheeke with the cullors, whistles with-
    Ro. Anon forsooth.
    745Bell. What are you playing the roague about?
    Ro. About you forsooth: I'me drawing vp a hole in your
    white silke stocking.
    Bell. Is my glasse there? and my boxes of complexion?
    Ro. Yes forsooth: your boxes of complexion are
    750here I thinke: yes tis here: her's your two complexi-
    ons, and if I had all the foure complexions, I should
    nere set a good face vpont, some men I see are borne vn-
    der hard-fauourd plānets as well as women: zounds I looke
    worse now then I did before, & it makes her face glister most
    755damnably, theres knauery in dawbing I hold my life, or else
    this is onely female Pomatum.
    Enter Bellafronte not full-ready, without a gowne, shee sits
    downe, with her bodkin curles her haire, cullers her lips.
    Bell. Wheres my ruffe and poker you block-head?
    760Ro. Your ruffe, and your poker, are ingendring together
    vpon the cup-bord of the Court, or the Court-cup-bord.
    Bel. Fetch e'm: Is the poxe in your hammes, you can goe
    no faster?
    Ro. Wood the pox were in your fingers, vnlesse you could
    765leaue flinging; catch. Exit.
    Bell. Ile catch you, you dog by and by: do you grumble?
    Cupid is a God, as naked as my naile She sings.
    Ile whip him with a rod, if he my true loue faile.
    Ro. Thers your ruffe, shall I poke it?
    770Bel. Yes honest Ro no stay: pry thee good boy, hold here,
    Downe, downe, downe, down, I fall downe and arise, I neuer
    Ro. Troth M. then leaue the trade if you shall neuer rise.
    Bell. What trade? good-man Abram.
    775Ro. Why that, of down and arise, or the falling trade.
    Bell. Ile fall with you by and by.
    Ro. If you doe, I know who shall smart fort:
    Troth Mistris, what do I looke like now?
    Bell. Like as you are: a panderly Sixpenny Rascall.
    780Ro. I may thanke you for that: no faith, I looke like an old
    Hold the Candle before the diuell
    Bell. Vds life, Ile sticke my knife in your Guts and you
    prate to me so: Whaat? She sings.
    Well met, pug, the pearle of beautie: umh, umh.
    785 How now sir knaue you forget your dutie, umh, umh.
    Marry muffe Sir, are you growne so daintie; fa, la, la, &c.
    Is it you Sir? the worst of twentie, fa la, la, leera la.
    Pox on you, how doest thou hold my glasse?
    Ro. Why, as I hold your doore: with my fingers.
    790Bell. Nay pray thee sweet hony Ro. hold vp handsomely
    Sing prety Wantons warble, &c. We shall ha guests today.
    I lay
    I lay my little meadenhead, my nose itches so.
    Ro. I said so too last night, when our Fleas twing'd me.
    Bell. So Poke my ruffe now, my gowne. my gown, haue (I my fall?
    795Wher's my fall Roger? One knocks.
    Ro. Your fall forsooth is behind.
    Bell. Gods my pittikins, some foole or other knocks.
    Ro. Shall I open to the foole mistresse?
    Bell. And all these bables lying thus? away with it quick-
    800ly, I, I, knock & be dambde, whosoeuer you be. So: giue the
    fresh Salmon lyne now, let him come a shoare, hee shall
    serue for my breakefast, tho he goe against my stomack.
    Roger fetches in Fluello, Castruchio, and Pioratto.
    Flu. Morrow coz.
    805Cast. How does my sweete acquaintance?
    Pio. Saue thee little Marmoset: how doest thou good pret-
    ty roague?
    Bell. Well, Godamercy good pretty rascall.
    Flu. Roger some light I pry thee.
    810Ro. You shall Signior, for we that liue here in this vale
    of misery, are as darke as hell. Exit. for a candle.
    Cast. Good Tabacco, Fluello?
    Flu. Smell? Enter Roger.
    Pio. It may be tickling geere, for it playes with my nose (already.
    815Ro. Her's another light Angell, Signior.
    Bel. What you pyed curtal, whats that you are neighing?
    Ro. I say God send vs the light of heauen, or some more
    Bell. Goe fetch some wyne, and drinke halfe of it.
    820Ro. I must fetch some wyne gentlemen and drinke halfe (of it.
    Flu. Here Roger.
    Cast. No let me send pry thee.
    Flu. Hold you canker worme.
    Ro. You shall send both, if you please Signiors.
    825Pio. Stay, whats best to drinke a mornings?
    Ro. Hypocras sir, for my mistres, if I fetch it, is most deare (to her:
    Flu Hypocras! ther then, her's a teston for you, you snake
    Ro. Right syr, her's jjj. s. vi. d. for a pottle & a manchet. Fx.
    Cast. Her's most Herculian Tobacco, ha some acquaintāce?
    830Bel. Fah, not I, makes your breath stinke, like the pisse of a
    Foxe. Acquaintance, where supt you last night?
    Cast. At a place sweete acquaintance where your health
    danc'de the Canaries y'faith: you should ha ben there.
    Bell. I there among your Punkes, marry fah, hang-em:
    835scorn't: will you neuer leaue sucking of egs in other folkes
    hens neasts.
    Cast. Why in good troth, if youle trust me acquaintance,
    there was not one hen at the board, aske Fluello.
    Flu. No faith Coz; none but Cocks, signior Malauella
    840drunke to thee. Bel. O, a pure beagle; that horse-leach there?
    Flu. And the knight, S. Oliuer Lollio, swore he wold bestow
    a taffata petticoate on thee, but to breake his fast with thee.
    Bel. With me! Ile choake him then, hang him Mole-cat-
    cher, its the dreamingst snotty-nose.
    845Pio. Well, many tooke that Lollio for a foole, but he's a
    subtile foole. Bel. I, and he has fellowes: of all filthy
    dry-fisted knights, I cannot abide that he should touch me.
    Cast. Why wench, is he scabbed?
    Bel. Hang him, heele not liue to bee so honest, nor to the
    850credite to haue scabbes about him, his betters haue em: but
    I hate to weare out any of his course knight-hood, because
    hee's made like an Aldermans night-gowne, facst all with
    conny before, and within nothing but Foxe: this sweete
    Oliuer, will eate Mutton till he be ready to burst, but the
    855leane iawde-slaue wil not pay for the scraping of his trēcher.
    Pio. Plague him, set him beneath the salt, and let him not
    touch a bit, till euery one has had his full cut.
    Flu. Sordello, the Gentleman-Vsher came into vs too,
    marry twas in our cheese, for he had beene to borrow mony
    860for his Lord, of a Citizen.
    Cast. What an asse is that Lord, to borrow money of a
    Bell. Nay, Gods my pitty, what an asse is that Citizen to
    lend mony to a Lord.
    865 Enter Matheo and Hypolito, who saluting the Com-,
    pany, as a stranger walkes off. Roger comes in sadly behind them.
    D with
    with a potle-pot, and stands aloofe off.
    Matheo. Saue you Gallants, signior Fluello exceedingly
    well met, as I may say.
    870Flu. Signior Matheo, exceedingly well met too, as I may
    Ma. And how fares my little prettie Mistris?
    Bell. Eene as my little pretie seruant; sees three court di-
    shes before her, and not one good bit in them: how now?
    875why the diuell standst thou so? Art in a trance?
    Ro. Yes forsooth. Bell Why dost not fil out their wine?
    Ro. Forsooth tis fild out already: all the wine that the sig-
    nior has bestowde vpon you is cast away, a Porter ranne a
    litle at me, and so fac'st me downe that I had not a drop.
    880Bel. Ime accurs'd to let such a withered Artichocke faced-
    Rascall grow vnder my nose: now you looke like an old he
    cat, going to the gallowes: Ile be hangde if he ha not put vp
    the mony to cony-catch vs all.
    Ro. No truely forsooth, tis not put vp yet.
    885Bell. How many Gentlemen hast thou serued thus?
    Ro. None but fiue hundred, besides prentices and seruing-(men.
    Bel. Doest thinke Ile pocket it vp at thy hands?
    Ro. Yes forsooth, I feare you will pocket it vp.
    Bel Fye, fye cut my lace good seruant, I shall ha the mo-
    890ther presently, Im'e so vext at this horse-plumme.
    Flu. Plague, not for a scald pottle of wine.
    Ma. Nay, sweete Bellafronte, for a little Pigs wash.
    Cast. Here Roger, fetch more, a mischance. Yfaith Ac-
    895Bell Out of my sight, thou vngodly puritanical creature.
    Ro. For the tother pottle? yes forsooth. Exit.
    Bell. Spill that too: what Gentleman is that seruant your
    Ma. Gods so a stoole, a stoole, if you loue me Mistris en-
    900tertaine this Gentleman respectiuely, & bid him welcome.
    Bell. Hees very welcome, pray Sir sit.
    Hip. Thankes Lady.
    Flu. Count Hypolito, ist not? cry you mercie signior, you
    walke here all this while, and we not heed you? let me be-
    905stowa stoole vpō you beseech you, you are a stranger here,
    we know the fashions ath house.
    Cast. Please you be heere my Lord. Tabacco.
    Hipo. No good Castruchio.
    Flu. You haue abandoned the Court I see my lord since
    910the death of your mistresse, well she was a delicate piece-be-
    seech you sweete, come let vs serue vnder the cullors of your
    acquaintance stil: for all that, please you to meete here at the
    lodging of my cuz, I shall bestow a banquet vpon you.
    Hipo. I neuer can deserue this kindnesse syr.
    915What may this Lady be, whom you call cuz?
    Flu. Faith syr a poore gentlewoman, of passing good ca-
    riage, one that has some sutes in law, and lyes here in an At-
    turnies house.
    Hipo. Is she married?
    920Flu. Hah, as all your punks are, a captens wife, or so?
    neuer saw her before, my Lord.
    Hipo. Neuer trust me a goodly creature.
    Flu. By gad when you know her as we do, youle swear she is
    the prettiest, kindest, sweetest, most bewitching honest ape
    925vnder the pole. A skin, your satten is not more soft, nor
    lawne whiter.
    Hipo. Belike then shees some sale curtizan.
    Flu. Troth as all your best faces are, a good wench.
    Hipo. Great pitty that shees a good wench.
    930Ma. Thou shalt haue it ifaith mistresse: how now signiors?
    what? whispering? did not I lay a wager I should take you
    within seuen daies in a house of vanity.
    Hipo. You did, and I beshrew your heart, you haue won.
    Ma. How do you like my mistresse?
    935Hipo. Well, for such a mistresse: better, if your mistresse
    be not you master.
    I must breake manners gentlemen, fare you well.
    Ma. Sfoote you shall not leaue vs.
    Bell. The gentleman likes not the tast of our company,
    940Omni. Beseech you stay.
    Hipo. Trust me my affaires becken for me, pardon me.
    Ma. Will you call for me halfe an houre hence here?
    D 2 Hipe.
    Hip. Perhaps I shall.
    Ma. Perhaps? fah! I know you can, sweare to me you wil.
    945Hip. Since you will presse me on my word, I will. Exit.
    Bell. What sullen picture is this seruant?
    Ma. Its Count Hipolito, the braue Count.
    Pio. As gallant a spirit, as any in Millan you sweete (Iewe,
    Flu. Oh hees a most essentiall gentleman, coz.
    950Cast. Did you neuer heare of Count Hipolitos ac-
    Bell. Marymuffe a your counts, & be no more life in 'em.
    Ma. Hees so malcontent! sirra Bellafronte, & you be ho-
    nest gallants, lets sup together, and haue the count with vs:
    955thou shalt sit at the vpper end puncke.
    Bell. Puncke you sowcde gurnet?
    Ma. Kings truce: come, ile bestow the supper to haue
    him but laugh.
    Cast. He betraies his youth too grosly to that tyrant me-(lancholy.
    960Ma. All this is for a woman.
    Bell. A woman! some whore! what sweet Iewell ist?
    Pio. Wod she heard you. Flu. Troth so wud I.
    Cast. And I by heauen.
    Bell. Nay good seruant, what woman? Ma. Pah.
    965Bell. Pry thee tell me, abusse and tell me: I warrant hees
    an honest fellowe, if hee take on thus for a wench: good
    roague who:
    Ma. Byth Lord I will not, must not, faith mistresse: ist a
    match sirs? this night, at Th'antilop:, for thers best wine, and (good boyes.
    970Omni. Its done at Th'antilop.
    Bell. I cannot be there tonight.
    Ma. Cannot? bith lord you shall.
    Bell. By the Lady I will not: shaall!
    Flu. Why then put it off till fryday: wut come then cuz?
    975Bell. Well. Enter Roger.
    Ma. Y'are the waspishest Ape. Roger, put your mistris in
    minde, your scurny mistris heere, to sup with vs on friday
    next: y'are best come like a mad woman, without a band in
    your wastcoate, & the lynings of your kirtle outward, like
    980euery common hackny that steals out at the back gate of her
    sweet knights lodging Bell.
    Bell. Goe, goe, hang your selfe. Cast. Its dinner time Matheo, (shalls hence?
    Omni. Yes, yes, farewell wench. Exeunt.
    Bell. Farewell boyes: Roger what wine sent they for?
    985Ro. Bastard wine, for if it had bin truly begotten, it wud
    not ha bin ashamde to come in, her's vi.s. to pay for nursing
    the bastard.
    Bell. A company of rookes! O good sweete Roger, run to
    the Poulters and buy me some fine Larkes.
    990Ro. No woodcocks?
    Bell. Yes faith a couple, if they be not deare.
    Ro. Ile buy but one, theres one already here. Exit.
    Enter Hipolito.
    Hipo. Is the gentleman (my friend) departed mistresse?
    995Bell. His backe is but new-turnd syr.
    Hipo. Fare you well. Bell. I can direct you to him.
    Hipo. Can you? pray.
    Bell. If you pleasey heele not be absent long.
    Hipo. I care not much.
    1000Bell. Pray sit forsooth. Hipo. I'me hot.
    If I may vse your roome, ile rather walke.
    Bell. At your best pleasure-whew-some rubbers there.
    Hipo. Indeed ile none: -Indeed I will not: thanks.
    Pretty-fine-lodging. I perceiue my friend
    1005Is old in your acquaintance. Bell. Troth syr, he comes
    As other gentlemen, to spend spare howers;
    If your selfe like our roofe (such as it is)
    Your owne acquaintance may be as old as his.
    Hipo. Say I did like; what welcome should I find?
    1010Bell. Such as my present fortunes can afford.
    Hipo. But would you let me play Mathaeos part?
    Bell. What part?
    Hipo. Why imbrace you: dally with you, kisse:
    Faith tell me, will you leaue him, and loue me?
    1015Bell. I am in bondes to no man syr. Hipo. Why then,
    Y'are free for any man: if any, me.
    But I must tell you Lady, were you mine,
    You should be all mine: I could brooke no sharers,
    I should be couetous, and sweepe vp all.
    D 3 I would
    1020I should be pleasures vsurer: faith I should.
    Bell. O fate!
    Hipo. Why sigh you Lady? may I knowe?
    Bell. T'has neuer bin my fortune yet to single
    Out that one man, whose loue could fellow mine.
    1025As I haue euer wisht it: ô my Stars!
    Had I but met with one kind gentleman,
    That would haue purchacde sin alone, to himselfe,
    For his owne priuate vse, although scarce proper:
    Indifferent hansome: meetly legd and thyed:
    1030And my allowance reasonable-yfaith,
    According to my body-by my troth,
    I would haue bin as true vnto his pleasures,
    Yea, and as loyall to his afternoones,
    As euer a poore gentlewoman could be.
    1035Hipo. This were well now, to one but newly fledg'd,
    And scarce a day old in this suttle world:
    Twere prettie Art, good bird-lime, cunning net:
    But come, come, faith-confesse: how many men
    Haue drunke this selfe-same protestation,
    1040From that red tycing lip?
    Bell. Indeede not any.
    Hipo. Indeede? and blush not!
    Bell. No, in truth not any.
    Hipo. Indeed! in truth!-how warily you sweare?
    1045Tis well: if ill it be not: yet had I
    The ruffian in me, and were drawne before you
    But in light cullors, I doe know indeed,
    You would not sweare indeede, But thunder oathes
    That should shake heauen, drowne the harmonious spheres,
    1050And pierce a soule (that lou'd her makers honour)
    With horror and amazement.
    Bell. Shall I sweare?
    Wil you belieue me then?
    Hipn. Worst then of all,
    1055Our sins by custome, seeme (at last) but small.
    Were I but o're your threshold, a nex man,
    And after him a next, and then a fourth,
    Should haue this golden hooke, and lasciuious baite,
    Throwne out to the full length, why let me tell you:
    1060I ha seene letters sent from that white hand,
    Tuning such musicke to Matheos eare.
    Bell. Mathaeo! thats true, but if youle beleeue
    My honest tongue, my eyes no sooner met you,
    But they conueid and lead you to my heart.
    1065Hipo. Oh, you cannot faine with me, why, I know Lady,
    This is the common fashion of you all,
    To hooke in a kind gentleman, and then
    Abuse his coyne, conueying it to your louer,
    And in the end you shew him a french trick,
    1070And so you leaue him, that a coach may run
    Betweene his legs for bredth.
    Bell O by my soule!
    Not I: therein ile proue an honest whore,
    In being true to one, and to no more.
    1075Hipo. If any be disposde to trust your oath,
    Let him: ile not be he, I know you feine
    All that you speake, I: for a mingled harlot,
    Is true in nothing but in being false.
    What! shall I teach you how to loath your selfe?
    1080And mildly too: not without sense or reason.
    Bell. I am content, I would faine loath my selfe,
    If you not loue me.
    Hipo. Then if your gratious blood be not all wasted,
    I shall assay to doo't.
    1085Lend me your silence, and attention,- you haue no soule,
    That makes you wey so light: heauens treasure bought it,
    And halfe a crowne hath sold it: for your body
    Its like the common shoare, that still receiues
    All the townes filth. The sin of many men
    1090Tis within you, and thus much I suppose,
    That if all your committers stood in ranke,
    Theide make a lane, (in which your shame might dwell)
    And with their spaces reach from hence to hell.
    Nay, shall I vrge it more, there has bene knowne,
    1095As many by one harlot, maym'd and dismembred,
    As would ha stuft an Hospitall: this I might
    Apply to you, and perhaps doe you right:
    O y'are as base as any beast that beares,
    Your body is ee'ne hirde, and so are theirs.
    1100For gold and sparkling iewels, (if he can)
    Youle let a Iewe get you with christian:
    Be he a Moore, a Tartar, tho his face
    Looke vglier then a dead mans scull,
    Could the diuel put on a humane shape,
    1105If his purse shake out crownes, vp then he gets,
    Whores will be rid to hell with golden bits:
    So that y'are crueller then Turkes, for they
    Sell Christians onely, you sell your selues away.
    Why those that loue you, hate you: and will terme you
    1110Lickerish damnation: wish themselues halfe sunke
    After the sin is laid out; and ee'ne curse
    Their fruitlesse riot, (for what one begets
    Another poisons) lust and murder hit,
    A tree being often shooke, what fruit can knit?
    1115Bell. O me vnhappy!
    Hip. I can vexe you more;
    A harlot is like Dunkirke, true to none,
    Swallowes both English, Spanish, fulsome Dutch,
    Blacke-doord Italian, last of all the French,
    1120And he sticks to you faith: giues you your diet,
    Brings you acquainted, first with monsier Doctor,
    And then you know what followes.
    Bell. Misery.
    Ranke, stinking, and most loathsome misery.
    1125Hip. Me thinks a toad is happier then a whore,
    That with one poison swells, with thousands more
    The other stocks her veines: harlot? fie! fie,
    You are the miserablest Creatures breathing,
    The very slaues of nature: marke me else,
    1130You put on rich attires, others eyes weare them,
    You eat, but to supply your blood with sin,
    And this strange curse ee'ne haunts you to your graues.
    The conuerted Courtizan.
    From fooles you get, and spend it vpon slaues:
    Like Beares and Apes, y'are bayted & shew tricks
    1135For money, but your Bawd the sweetnesse licks.
    Indeed you are their Iourney-women, and do
    All base and damnd workes they list set you to:
    So that you n'ere are rich; for doe but shew me,
    In present memory, or in ages past,
    1140The fairest and most famous Courtizan,
    Whose flesh was dear'st; that raisd the price of sin,
    And held it vp, to whose intemperate bosome,
    Princes, Earles, Lords, the worst has bin a knight,
    The mean'st a Gentleman, haue offred vp
    1145Whole Hecatombs of sighs, & raind in showres
    Handfuls of gold, yet for all this, at last
    Diseases suckt her marrow, then grew so poore,
    That she has begd e'ene at a beggers doore.
    And (wherin heau'n has a finger) when this Idoll,
    1150From coast to coast, has leapt on forraine shores,
    And had more worship, thē th'outlandish whores,
    When seuerall nations haue gone ouer her,
    When for each seuerall City she has seene,
    Her maidenhead has bin new, & bin sold deare:
    1155Did liue wel there, & might haue dide vnknowne
    And vndefam'd, back comes she to her owne,
    And there both miserably liues and dyes,
    Scornd euen of those, that once ador'd her eyes,
    As if her fatall-circled life thus ranne,
    1160Her pride should end there, where it first began.
    What, do you weep, to heare your story read?
    Nay, if you spoyle your cheeks, Ile read no more.
    Bel. O yes, I pray proceed:
    Indeed 'twill do me good to weep indeed.
    1165Hip. To giue those teares a relish, this I adde,
    Y'are like the Iewes, scatterd, in no place certain,
    Your daies are tedious, your houres burdensome:
    And wer't not for full suppers, midnight Reuels,
    Dauncing, wine, ryotous meetings, which do drowne,
    1170And bury quite in you all vertuous thoughts,
    E And
    The conuerted Courtizan.
    And on your eye-lids hang so heauily,
    They haue no power to looke so high as heauen,
    Youde sit and muse on nothing but despayre,
    Curse that deuil Lust, that so burnes vp your blood,
    1175And in ten thousand shiuers breake your glasse
    For his temptation. Say you taste delight,
    To haue a golden Gull from rize to Set,
    To meat you in his hote luxurious armes,
    Yet your nights pay for all: I know you dreame
    1180Of warrants, whips, & Beadles, and then start
    At a dores windy creake: thinke euery Weezle
    To be a Constable: and euery Rat
    A long tayld Officer: Are you now not slaues?
    Oh you haue damnation without pleasure for it!
    1185Such is the state of Harlots. To conclude,
    When you are old, and can well paynt no more,
    You turne Bawd, and are then worse then before:
    Make vse of this: farewell.
    Bel. Oh, I pray stay.
    1190Hip. I see Matheo comes not: time hath bard me,
    Would all the Harlots in the towne had heard me. Exit.
    Bel. Stay yet a little longer. no: quite gone!
    Curst be that minute (for it was no more.
    So soone a mayd is chang'd into a Whore)
    1195Wherein I first fell, be it for euer blacke;
    Yet why should sweet Hipolito shun mine eyes;
    For whose true loue I would becom pure-honest,
    Hate the worlds mixtures, & the smiles of gold:
    Am I not fayre? Why should he flye me then?
    1200Faire creatures are desir'd, not scornd of men.
    How many Gallants haue drunk healthes to me,
    Out of their daggerd armes, & thought thē blest,
    Enioying but mine eyes at prodigall feasts!
    And does Hipolito detest my loue?
    1205Oh, sure their heedlesse lusts but flattred me,
    I am not pleasing, beautifull nor young.
    Hipolito hath spyed some vgly blemish,
    Eclipsing all my beauties: I am foule:
    The conuerted Courtizan.
    Harlot! I, that's the spot that taynts my soule:
    1210his weapon left heere? O fit instrument,
    To let forth all the poyson of my flesh!
    Thy M. hates me, cause my bloud hath rang'd:
    But whē tis forth, then heele beleeue Ime chāg'd.
    Hip. Mad woman, what art doing? Enter Hipo.
    1215Bel. Eyther loue me,
    Or cleaue my bosome on thy Rapiers poynt.
    Yet doe not neyther; for thou then destroyst
    That which I loue thee for (thy vertues) here, here,
    Th'art crueller, and kilst me with disdayne:
    1220To die so, sheds no bloud, yet tis worse payne. ExitHipol.
    Not speake to me! not looke! not bid farewell!
    Hated! this must not be, some meanes Ile try.
    Would all Whores were as honest now, as I. Exeunt.
    SCENA 7.
    1225Enter Candido, his wife, George, and two Prentices in the
    shop: Fustigo enters, walking by.
    Geor. See Gentlemen, what you lack? a fine Holland,
    a fine Cambrick, see what you buy.
    1. Pr. Holland for shirts, Cambrick for bands, what ist (you lack?
    1230Fust. Sfoot, I lack em all, nay more, I lack money to buy
    em: let me see, let me looke agen: masse this is the shop;
    What Coz! sweet Coz! how dost ifayth, since last night
    after candlelight? we had good sport ifayth, had we not?
    and when shals laugh agen?
    1235Wi. When you will, Cozen.
    Fust. Spoke like a kind Lacedemoniā: I see yonders thy (husband.
    Wi. I, ther's the sweet youth, God blesse him.
    Fust. And how ist Cozen? & how? how ist thou squall?
    Wi. Well, Cozen, how fare you?
    1240Fust. How fare I? troth, for sixpence a meale, wench, as
    wel as heart can wish, with Calues chaldrons and chitter-
    lings, besides I haue a Punck after supper, as good as a ro-(sted Apple.
    Cand. Are you my wiues Cozen?
    Fust. A am, sir, what hast thou to do with that?
    1245Cand. O, nothing but y'are welcome.
    E 2 Fust. The
    The conuerted Courtizan.
    Fust. The Deuils dung in thy teeth: Ile be welcom whe-
    ther thou wilt or no, I: What Ring's this Coz? very pretty
    and fantasticall ifayth, lets see it.
    Wife. Puh! nay you wrench my finger.
    1250Fust. I ha sworne Ile ha't, and I hope you wil not let my
    othes be crackt in the ring, wil you? I hope sir, you are not
    mallicolly at this for all your great lookes: are you angry?
    Cand. Angry? not I sir, nay, if she can part
    So easily with her Ring, tis with my heart.
    1255Geo. Suffer this, sir, and suffer all, a whorson Gull to --,
    Can. Peace George, whē she has reapt what I haue sowne,
    Sheele say, one grayne tastes better of her owne,
    Then whole sheaues gathered from anothers land:
    Wit's neuer good, til bought at a deare hand.
    1260Geo. But in the meane time she makes an Asse of some (body.
    2. Pren. See, see, see, sir, as you turne your backe, they
    do nothing but kisse.
    Cand. No matter, let 'em: when I touch her lip,
    I shall not feele his kisses, no nor misse
    1265Any of her lips: no harme in kissing is.
    Looke to your businesse, pray make vp your wares.
    Fust. Troth Coz, and well remembred, I would thou
    wouldst giue mee fiue yards of Lawne, to make my Punke
    some falling bands a the fashiō, three falling one vpō ano-
    1270ther: for thats the new editiō now: she's out of linnen hor-
    ribly too, troth, sha's neuer a good smock to her back ney-
    ther, but one that has a great many patches in't, & that I'm
    fain to weare my selfe for want of shift too: prithee put me
    into holesome napery, & bestow some clean commodities
    1275vpō vs. Wife. Reach me those Cambricks & the Lawnes
    hither. Cand. What to doe, wife? to lauish out my goods
    vpon a foole?
    Fust. Foole! Sneales eate the foole, or Ile so batter your
    crowne, that it shall scarce go for fiue shillings.
    12802. Pr. Do you heare sir? y'are best be quiet, & say a foole (tels you so.
    Fust. Nailes, I think so, for thou telst me.
    Can. Are you angry sir, because I namde the foole?
    Trust me, you are not wise, in mine owne house,
    The conuerted Courtizan.
    And to my face to play the Anticke thus:
    1285If youle needs play the mad man, choose a stage
    Of lesser compasse, where few eyes may note
    Your actions errour; but if still you misse,
    As heere you doe, for one clap, ten will hisse.
    Fust. Zwounds Cozen, he talks to me, as if I were a scur-
    1290uy Tragedian.
    2. Pren. Sirra George, I ha thought vpon a deuice, how to
    breake his pate, beat him soundly, and ship him away.
    Geor. Doo't. 2. Pren. Ile go in, passe through the house,
    giue some of our fellow Prentices the watch-word when
    1295they shall enter, then come and fetch my master in by a
    wile, and place one in the hall to hold him in conference
    whilst we cudgell the Gul out of his coxcombe.
    Geor. Doo't, away, doo't.
    Wife. Must I call twice for these Cambricks & lawnes?
    1300Cand. Nay see, you anger her, George, prithee dispatch.
    2. pr. Two of the choisest pieces are in the warehouse, sir.
    Cand. Go fetch them presently. Exit 1. prentice.
    Fust. I, do, make haste, sirra.
    Cand. Why were you such a stranger all this while,
    1305being my wiues Cozen?
    Fust. Stranger? no sir, Ime a naturall Millaner borne.
    Can. I perceyue still it is your naturall guise to mistake
    me, but you are welcom sir, I much wish your acquaintāce.
    Fust. My acquaintance? I scorne that ifayth; I hope, my
    1310acquaintance goes in chaines of gold three and fifty times
    double: you know who I meane, Coz, the posts of his gate
    are a painting to. Enter the 2. Prentice.
    2. Pr. Signior Pandulfo the Marchāt desires conference
    with you. Can. Signior Pandulfo? Ile be with him straight.
    1315Attend your mistris and the Gentleman.
    Wife. When do you shew those pieces? Exit.
    Omn. Presently sir, presently, we are but charging thē.
    Fust. Come sirra, you Flat-cap, where be these whites?
    Ge. Flat-cap? heark in your eare sir, yare a flat foole, an
    1320Asse, a gull, & Ile thrum you: do you see this cambrick, sir?
    E 3 Fust. Sfoot,
    The conuerted Courtizan.
    Fust. Sfoot Coz, a good iest, did you heare him? he told
    me in my eare, I was a flat foole, an Asse, a Gull, and Ile
    thrumb you: doe you see this Cambrick sir?
    Wi. What, not my men, I hope?
    1325Fust. No, not your men, but one of your men ifayth.
    1. Pr. I pray sir, come hither, what say you to this? heres
    an excellent good one.
    Fust. I marry, this likes me well, cut me off some halfe (score yards.
    2. Pr. Let your whores cut, yare an impudent coxcomb,
    1330you get none, & yet Ile thrum you.- A very good Cam-
    brick sir.
    Fust. Agen, agen, as God iudge me: Sfoot, Coz, they
    stand thrūming here with me all day, & yet I get nothing.
    1. Pr. A word I pray sir, you must not be angry, prentices
    1335haue hote blouds, young fellowes,- What say you to this
    piece? looke you, tis so delicate, so soft, so euen, so fine a
    thrid, that a Lady may weare it.
    Fust. Sfoot I thinke so, if a Knight marry my Punck, a
    Lady shall weare it: cut me off 20. yards: th'art an honest (lad.
    13401. Pr. Not without mony, gull, & ile thrū you to.
    Omn. Gull, weele thrum you.
    Fust. O Lord, sister, did you not heare something cry
    thump? zounds your men here make a plaine Asse of me.
    Wi. What, to my face so impudent?
    1345Geor. I, in a cause so honest, weele not suffer
    Our masters goods to vanish monylesse.
    Wife. You will not suffer them.
    2. Pr. No, and you may blush,
    In going about to vex so mild a brest,
    1350As is our masters. Wi. Take away those pieces.
    Cozen, I giue them freely.
    Fust. Masse, and Ile take em as freely.
    Om. Weele make you lay em down agen more freely.
    Wi. Help, help, my brother wilbe murdered. Enter Can.
    1355Cand. How now, what coyle is here? forbeare, I say.
    Geor. He cals vs Flatcaps, and abuses vs.
    Can. Why, sirs? do such examples flow from me?
    Wi. They are of your keeping sir, alas poore brother.
    Fust. I
    The conuerted Courtizan.
    Fust. I fayth they ha pepperd me, sister: looke, doost not
    1360spin? call you these Prentices? Ile nere play at cards more
    whē clubs is trump: I haue a goodly coxcomb, sister, haue (I not?
    Cand. Sister and brother, brother to my wife.
    Fust. If you haue any skill in Heraldry, you may soone
    know that, break but her pate, and you shal see her blood
    1365and mine is all one.
    Can. A Surgeon, run, a Surgeon: Why then wore you
    that forged name of Cozen?
    Fust. Because its a common thing to call Coz, and Nin-
    gle now adayes all the world ouer.
    1370Cand. Cozen! A name of much deceyt, folly and sin,
    For vnder that common abused word,
    Many an honest tempred Cityzen
    Is made a monster, and his wife traynd out
    To foule adulterous action, full of fraud.
    1375I may well call that word, A Cities Bawd.
    Fust. Troth, brother, my sister would needs ha me take
    vpon me to gull your patience a little: but it has made
    double Gules on my coxcomb.
    Wife. What, playing the woman? blabbing now you (foole?
    1380Cand. O, my wife did but exercise a iest vpon your wit.
    Fust. Sfoot, my wit bleeds for't, me thinks.
    Cand. Then let this warning more of sence afford.
    The name of Cozen is a bloudy word.
    Fnst. Ile nere call Coz agen whilst I liue, to haue such
    1385a coyle about it: this should be a Coronation day; for my
    head runnes Claret lustily. Exit. Enter an Officer.
    Can. Go with the Surgeon to haue great respect.
    How now, my friend, what, do they sit to day?
    Off. Yes sir, they expect you at the Senate-house.
    1390Can. I thāk your paines, Ile not be last man there. Exit Off.
    My gowne, George, goe, my gowne. A happy land,
    Where graue men meet each cause to vnderstand,
    Whose consciences are not cut out in brybes,
    To gull the poore mans right: but in euen scales,
    1395Peize rich & poore, without corruptions veyles.
    Come, wheres the gowne? Ge. I cannot find the key sir.
    Cand. Request it of your mistris.
    E 4 Wife. Come
    The conuerted Courtizan.
    Wife. Come not to me for any Key.
    Ile not be troubled to deliuer it.
    1400Cand. Good wife, kind wife, it is a needfull trouble,
    but for my Gowne.
    Wi. Mothes swallow downe your Gowne:
    You set my teeth an edge with talking on't.
    Cand. Nay prythee sweet, I cannot meet without it,
    1405I should haue a great Fyne set on my head.
    Wi. Set on your Coxcomb: tush, Fine me no Fines.
    Can. Beleeue me sweet, none greets the Senate-house,
    Without his Robe of reuerence, that's his Gowne.
    Wi. Well, then y'are like to crosse that custome once,
    1410You get nor key, nor gowne, and so depart:
    This trick will vexe him sure, and fret his heart. Exit.
    Cand. Stay, let me see, I must haue some deuice,
    My cloke's too short: fye, fye, no cloke will doo't:
    It must be something fashioned like a Gowne,
    1415With my armes out: oh George, come hither George,
    I prythee lend me thine aduice.
    Geor. Truth sir, were it any but you, they would breake (open chest.
    Cand. O no, break open chest! thats a theeues office:
    Therein you counsell me against my bloud:
    1420'Twould shew impatience that, any meeke meanes
    I would be glad to imbrace. Masse, I haue got it:
    Go, step vp, fetch me downe one of the Carpets,
    The saddest colourd Carpet, honest George,
    Cut thou a hole ith middle for my necke,
    1425Two for mine armes, nay prythee looke not strange.
    Ge. I hope you doe not thinke sir, as you meane.
    Can. Prythee about it quickly, the houre chides me:
    Warily George, softly, take heed of eyes, Exit George.
    Out of two euils hee's accounted wise,
    1430That can pick out the least; the Fine imposde
    For an vngowned Senator, is about
    Forty Cruzadoes, the Carpet not 'boue foure.
    Thus haue I chosen the lesser euill yet,
    Preseru'd my patience, foyld her desperate wit.
    1435Geo. Here sir, heer's the Carpet. Enter George.
    Cand. O
    The conuerted Courtizan.
    Cand. O well done, George, weele cut it iust ith midst:
    Tis very well I thanke thee, helpe it on.
    Ge. It must come ouer your head, sir, like a wenches pe-(ticoate.
    Cand. Th'art in the right, good George, it must indeed.
    1440Fetch me a nightcap, for Ile gyrd it close,
    As if my health were queazy: twill show well,
    For a rude carelesse night-gowne, wil't not, thinkst?
    Ge. Indifferent well, sir, for a night-gowne, being girt & (pleated.
    Cand. I, and a night-cap on my head.
    1445Ge. Thats true sir, Ile run & fetch one, & a staffe. Exit Ge.
    Can. For thus they cannot chuse but conster it,
    One that is out of health, takes no delight,
    Weares his apparell without appetite,
    And puts on heedles rayment without forme. Enter Geo.
    1450So, so, kind George, be secret now: & prithee do not laugh
    at me till Ime out of sight. Geor. I laugh? not I, sir.
    Cand. Now to the Senate-house:
    Methinks, Ide rather weare without a frowne,
    A patient Carpet, then an angry Gowne. Exit.
    1455Ge. Now looks my M. iust like one of our Carpet knights,
    only hee's somewhat the honester of the two. Enter Can-didoes wife.
    Wi. What, is your master gone?
    Geo. Yes forsooth, his back is but new turnd.
    Wi. And in his cloke? did he not vexe and sweare?
    1460Geo. No, but heele make you sweare anon: no indeed,
    he went away like a lambe.
    Wi. Key, sinke to hell: still patient, patient still!
    I am with child to vexe him: prythee George,
    If e're thou lookst for fauour at my hands,
    1465Vphold one Iest for me. Geor. Against my master?
    Wi. Tis a meere Iest in fayth: say, wilt thou doo't?
    Geor. Well, what ist?
    Wi. Heere, take this key, thou knowst where all things (lie,
    Put on thy masters best apparell, Gowne,
    1470Chayne, Cap, Ruffe, euery thing, be like himselfe,
    And 'gaynst his comming home, walke in the shop,
    Fayne the same cariage, and his patient looke,
    'Twill breed but a iest thou knowst, speake, wilt thou?
    Geor. 'Twill wrong my masters patience.
    F Wi. Pry-
    The conuerted Courtizan.
    1475Wi. Prythee George. Geor. Well, if youle saue me
    harmlesse, and put me vnder couert barne, I am content to
    please you, prouided it may breed no wrong against him.
    Wi. No wrong at all: here take the Key, be gone:
    If any vex him, this: if not this, none Exeunt.
    1480SCENA 8.
    Enter a Bawd and Roger.
    Bawd. O Roger, Roger, where's your mistris, wher's your
    mistris? there's the finest, neatest Gentleman at my house,
    but newly come ouer: O where is she, where is she, where
    1485is she?
    Rog. My mistris is abroad, but not amongst em: my mi-
    stris is not the whore now that you take her for.
    Baw. How? is she not a whore? do you go about to take
    away her good name, Roger? you are a fine Pandar indeed.
    1490Rog. I tell you, Madona Finger-locke, I am not sad for
    nothing, I ha not eaten one good meale this three & thir-
    ty dayes: I had wont to get sixteene pence by fetching a
    pottle of Hypocras: but now those dayes are past: we had
    as good doings, Madona Finger-locke, she within dores and
    1495I without, as any poore yong couple in Millain.
    Baw. Gods my life, and is she chang'd now?
    Rog. I ha lost by her squeamishnesse, more then would
    haue builded 12. bawdy houses.
    And had she no time to turn honest but now? what a vile
    1500woman is this? twenty pound a night, Ile be sworne, Roger,
    in good gold and no siluer: why here was a time, if she
    should ha pickt out a time, it could not be better! gold y-
    nough stirring; choyce of men, choyce of haire, choyce of
    beards, choyce of legs, and choyce of euery, euery, euery
    1505thing: it cannot sink into my head, that she should be such
    an Asse. Roger, I neuer beleeue it.
    Rog. Here she comes now. Enter Bellafronte.
    Baw. O sweet Madona, on with your loose gowne, your
    felt & your feather, there's the sweetest, proprest, gallantest
    1510Gentleman at my house, he smells all of Muske & Amber
    greece, his pocket full of Crownes, flame-colourd dublet,
    red satin hose, Carnation silke stockins, and a leg and a
    body, oh!
    Bel. Hence
    The conuerted Courtizan.
    Bel. Hence, thou our sexes monster, poysonous Bawd,
    1515Lusts Factor, and damnations Orator,
    Gossip of hell, were all the Harlots sinnes
    Which the whole world conteynes, numbred together,
    Thine farre exceeds them all; of all the creatures
    That euer were created, thou art basest:
    1520What serpent would beguile thee of thy Office?
    It is detestable: for thou liu'st
    Vpon the dregs of Harlots, guard'st the dore,
    Whilst couples goe to dauncing: O course deuill!
    Thou art the bastards curse, thou brandst his birth,
    1525The lechers French disease; for thou dry-suckst him:
    The Harlots poyson, and thine owne confusion.
    Baw. Mary come vp with a pox, haue you no body to
    raile against, but your Bawd now?
    Bel. And you, Knaue Pandar, kinsman to a Bawd.
    1530Rog. You and I Madona, are Cozens.
    Bel. Of the same bloud and making, neere allyed,
    Thou, that slaue to sixpence, base-mettald villayne.
    Rog. Sixpence? nay that's not so; I neuer took vnder two
    shillings foure pence, I hope I know my fee.
    1535Bel. I know not against which most to inueigh:
    For both of you are damnd so equally.
    Thou neuer spar'st for oathes: swearst any thing,
    As if thy soule were made of shoe-leather.
    God dam me, Gentleman, if she be within,
    1540When in the next roome she's found dallying.
    Rog. If it be my vocation to sweare, euery man in his vo-
    cation: I hope my betters sweare and dam themselues, and
    why should not I? Bel. Roger, you cheat kind gentlemen?
    Rog. The more gulls they.
    1545Bel. Slaue, I casheere thee.
    Baw. And you do casheere him, he shalbe entertaynd.
    Rog. Shall I? then blurt a your seruice.
    Bel. As hell would haue it, entertaynd by you!
    I dare the deuill himselfe to match those two. Exit.
    1550Baw. Mary gup, are you growne so holy, so pure, so ho-
    nest with a pox?
    F 2 Rog. Scur-
    The conuerted Courtizan.
    Rog. Scuruy honest Punck! But stay Madona, how must
    our agreement be now? for you know I am to haue all the
    commings in at the hall dore, & you at the chamber dore.
    1555Ba. True Rog. except my vailes. Rog. Vailes, what vailes?
    Ba. Why as thus, if a couple come in a Coach, & light to
    lie down a little, then Roger, thats my fee, & you may walke
    abroad; for the Coach-man himselfe is their Pandar.
    Ro. Is a so? in truth I haue almost forgot, for want of ex-
    1560ercise: But how if I fetch this Citizens wife to that Gull, &
    that Madona to that Gallant, how then?
    Ba. Why then, Roger, you are to haue sixpence a lane,
    so many lanes, so many sixpences.
    Ro. Ist so? thē I see we two shall agree and liue together.
    1565Ba. I Roger, so long as there be any Tauernes and baw-
    dy houses in Millain. Exeunt.
    SCENA 9.
    Enter Bellafronte with a Lute, pen, inke and paper
    being placde before her.
    THe Courtiers flattring Iewels,
    (Temptations onely fewels)
    The Lawyers ill-got monyes,
    That sucke vp poore Bees Honyes:
    1575 The Citizens sonne's ryot,
    The gallant costly dyet:
    Silks and Veluets, Pearles and Ambers,
    Shall not draw me to their Chambers. Shee writes.
    Silks and Veluets, &c.
    1580Oh, tis in vayne to write: it will not please,
    Inke on this paper would ha but presented
    The foule blacke spots that sticke vpon my soule,
    And rather make me lothsomer, then wrought
    My loues impression in Hipolitoes thought.
    1585No, I must turne the chaste leaues of my brest,
    And pick out some sweet meanes to breed my rest.
    Hipolito, beleeue me I will be
    As true vnto thy heart, as thy heart to thee,
    The conuerted Courtizan.
    And hate all men, their gifts and company.
    1590Enter Matheo, Castruchio, Fluello, and Pioratto.
    Mat. You, goody Punck, subandi Cockatrice, O yare a
    sweet whore of your promise, are you not think you? how
    wel you came to supper to vs last night: mew, a whore &
    breake her word! nay you may blush, & hold downe your
    1595head at it wel ynough: Sfoot, aske these gallants if we staid
    not till we were as hungry as Seriants.
    Flu. I, and their Yeoman too.
    Cast. Nay fayth Acquaintance, let me tell you, you forgat
    your selfe too much: we had excellēt cheere, rare vintage,
    1600and were drunke after supper.
    Pior. And when wee were in our Woodcocks (sweete
    Rogue) a brace of Gulles, dwelling here in the City, came
    in & payd all the shot. Mat. Pox on her, let her alone.
    Bel. O, I pray doe, if you be Gentlemen:
    1605I pray depart the house; beshrew the dore
    For being so easily entreated: fayth,
    I lent but little eare vnto your talke,
    My mind was busied otherwise in troth,
    And so your words did vnregarded passe:
    1610Let this suffice, I am not as I was.
    Flu. I am not what I was! no Ile be sworne thou art not:
    for thou wert honest at fiue, & now th'art a Puncke at fif-
    teene: thou wert yesterday a simple whore, and now thart
    a cunning Conny catching Baggage to day.
    1615Bel. Ile say Ime worse, I pray forsake me then,
    I doe desire you leaue me, Gentlemen,
    And leaue your selues: O be not what you are,
    (Spendthrifts of soule and body)
    Let me perswade you to forsake all Harlots,
    1620Worse then the deadliest poisons, they are worse:
    For o're their soules hangs an eternall curse,
    In being slaue to slaues, their labours perish,
    Th'are seldome blest with fruit; for e're it blossom,
    Many a worme confounds it.
    1625They haue no issue but foule vgly ones,
    That run along with them, e'ene to their graues:
    For stead of children, they breed ranke diseases,
    F 3 And
    The conuerted Courtizan.
    And all, you Gallants, can bestow on them,
    Is that French Infant, which n'ere acts but speaks:
    1630What shallow sonne & heire then, foolish gallāt,
    Would waste all his inheritance, to purchase
    A filthy loathd disease? and pawne his body
    To a dry euill: that vsurie's worst of all,
    When th'interest will eate out the principall.
    1635Mat. Sfoot, she guls em the best: this is alwaies
    her fashion, when she would be rid of any com-
    pany that she cares not for, to inioy mine alone.
    Flu. Whats here? instructions, Admonitions, and Caue-
    ats? come out, you scabberd of vengeance.
    1640Mat. Fluello, spurne your hounds when they fyste, you
    shall not spurne my Punk, I can tell you my bloud is vext.
    Flu. Pox a your bloud: make it a quarrell.
    Mat. Y'are a Slaue, will that serue turne?
    Omn. Sbloud, hold, hold.
    1645Cast. Matheo, Fluello, for shame put vp.
    Mat. Spurne my sweet Varlet!
    Bel. O how many thus
    Mou'd with a little folly, haue let out
    Their soules in Brothell houses, fell downe and dyed
    1650Iust at their Harlots foot, as 'twere in pride.
    Flu. Matheo, we shall meet.
    Mat. I, I, any where, sauing at Church: pray take heed
    we meet not there.
    Flu. Adue, Damnation.
    1655Cast. Cockatrice, farewell.
    Pi. There's more deceit in women, then in hel. Exeunt.
    Mat. Ha, ha, thou doest gull em so rarely, so naturally: if
    I did not think thou hadst bin in earnest: thou art a sweet
    Rogue for't ifayth.
    1660Bel. Why are not you gone to, Signior Matheo?
    I pray depart my house: you may beleeue me,
    In troth I haue no part of Harlot in me.
    Mat. How's this?
    Bel. Indeed I loue you not: but hate you worse
    1665Then any man, because you were the first
    The conuerted Courtizan.
    Gaue money for my soule; you brake the Ice,
    Which after turnd a puddle: I was led
    By your temptation to be miserable:
    I pray seeke out some other that will fall,
    1670Or rather (I pray) seeke out none at all.
    Mat. Ist possible, to be impossible, an honest whore! I
    haue heard many honest wenches turne Strumpets with
    a wet finger; but for a Harlot to turne honest, is one of Her-
    cules labours: It was more easie for him in one night to
    1675make fifty queanes, then to make one of them honest a-
    gen in fifty yeeres: come, I hope thou doost but iest.
    Bel. Tis time to leaue off iesting, I had almost
    Iested away Saluation: I shall loue you,
    If you will soone forsake me.
    1680Mat. God buy thee.
    Bel. Oh, tempt no more womē: shun their weighty curse,
    Women (at best) are bad, make them not worse,
    You gladly seeke our sexes ouerthrow:
    But not to rayse our states for all your wrongs.
    1685Will you vouchsafe me but due recompence,
    To marry with me?
    Mat. How, marry with a Punck, a Cockatrice, a Har-
    lot? mary foh, Ile be burnt thorow the nose first.
    Bel. Why la? these are your othes you loue to vndo vs,
    1690To put heauen from vs, whilst our best houres waste:
    You loue to make vs lewd, but neuer chaste.
    Mat. Ile heare no more of this: this ground vpon,
    Th'art damn'd for altring thy Religion. Exit.
    Bel. Thy lust and sin speake so much: go thou my ruine,
    1695The first fall my soule tooke; by my example
    I hope few maydens now will put their heads
    Vnder mens girdels: who least trusts, is most wise:
    Mens othes do cast a mist before our eyes.
    My best of wit be ready: now I goe,
    1700By some deuice to greet Hipolito.
    F 4 SCENA
    The conuerted Courtizan.
    SCENA 10.
    Enter a seruant setting out a Table, on which he places
    a scull, a picture, a booke and a Taper.
    Ser. So, this is Monday morning, and now must I to my
    1705huswifry: would I had bin created a Shoomaker; for all the
    gentle craft are gentlemen euery Monday by their Copy,
    & scorne (then) to worke one true stitch. My M. meanes
    sure to turne me into a student; for here's my booke, here
    my deske, here my light; this my close chamber, and heere
    1710my Punck: so that this dull drowzy first day of the weeke,
    makes me halfe a Priest, halfe a Chandler, halfe a paynter,
    halfe a Sexton, I & halfe a Bawd: for (all this day) my office
    is to do nothing but keep the dore. To proue it, looke you,
    this good-face & yonder gentleman (so soone as euer my
    1715back's turnd) wilbe naught together. Enter Hipolito.
    Hip. Are all the windowes shut? Ser. Close sir, as the fist
    of a Courtier that hath stood in three raignes.
    Hip. Thou art a faythfull seruant, and obseru'st
    The Calender, both of my solemne vowes,
    1720And ceremonious sorrow: Get thee gone,
    I charge thee on thy life, let not the sound
    Of any womans voyce pierce through that dore.
    Ser. If they do, my Lord, Ile pearce some of them.
    What will your Lordship haue to breakfast?
    1725Hip. Sighs. Ser. What to dinner? Hip. Teares.
    Ser. The one of them, my Lord, will fill you too full of
    wind, the other wet you too much. What to supper?
    Hip. That which (now) thou canst not get me, the con-
    stancy of a woman.
    1730Ser. Indeed thats harder to come by then euer was
    Hip. Prythee away.
    Ser. Ile make away my selfe presently, which few Ser-
    uants will doe for their Lords; but rather helpe to make
    1735them away: Now to my dore-keeping, I hope to picke
    something out of it. Exit.
    Hip. My Infelices face: her brow, her eye,
    The dimple on her cheeke: and such sweet skill,
    Hath from the cunning workemans pencill flowne,
    1740These lippes looke fresh and liuely as her owne
    Seeming to mooue and speake. Las! now I see,
    The reason why fond women loue to buy
    Adulterate complexion: here tis read,
    False coulours last after the true be dead.
    1745Of all the Roses grafted on her cheekes,
    Of all the graces dauncing in her eyes,
    Of all the Musick set vpon her tongue,
    Of all that was past womans excellence,
    In her white bosome, looke! a painted board,
    1750Circumscribes all: Earth can no blisse afford.
    Nothing of her, but this? this cannot speake,
    It has no lap for me to rest vpon,
    No lip worth tasting: here the wormes will feed,
    As in her coffin: hence then idle Art,
    1755True loue's best pictur'de in a true-loues heart.
    Here art thou drawne sweet maid, till this be dead,
    So that thou liu'st twice, twice art buried.
    Thou figure of my friend lye there. Whats here?
    Perhaps this shrewd pate was mine enimies:
    1760Las! say it were: I need not feare him now.
    For all his braues, his contumelious breath,
    His frownes (tho dagger-pointed) all his plots
    (Tho 'nere so mischieuous) his Italian pilles,
    His quarrels, and (that common fence) his law,
    1765See, see, they're all eaten out; here's not left one?
    How cleane they're pickt away! to the bare bone!
    How mad are mortals then to reare great names
    On tops of swelling houses? or to weare out
    Their fingers ends (in durt,) to scrape vp gould!
    1770Not caring so (that Sumpter-horse) the back
    Be hung with gawdy trappings, with what course:
    Yea rags most beggerly, they cloath the soule:
    Yet (after all) their Gay-nes lookes thus foule.
    What fooles are men to build a garish tombe,
    1775Onely to saue the carcasse whilst it rotes,
    To maintein't long in stincking, make good carion,
    G But
    But leaue no good deeds to preserue them sound,
    For good deedes keepe men sweet, long aboue ground,
    And must all come to this: fooles; wise, all hether,
    1780Must all heads thus at last be laid together:
    Draw me my picture then, thou graue neate workman,
    After this fashion, not like this: these coulours
    In time kissing but ayre, will be kist off,
    But heres a fellow; that which he layes on,
    1785Till doomes day alters not complexion.
    Death's the best Painter then: They that draw shapes,
    And liue by wicked faces, are but Gods Apes,
    They come but neere the life, and there they stay,
    This fellow drawes life to: his Art is fuller,
    1790The pictures which he makes are without coulour.
    Enter his seruant.
    Ser. Heres a person would speake with you sir.
    Hip. Hah!
    Ser. A parson sir would speake with you.
    1795Hip. Vicar?
    Ser. Vicar? no sir, has too good a face to be a Vicar yet, a
    youth, a very youth.
    Hip. What youth? of man or woman? lock the dores.
    Ser. If it be a woman, mary-bones and Potato pies keepe
    1800me for medling with her, for the thing has got the breeches,
    tis a male-varlet sure my Lord, for a womans tayler neare
    measurd him.
    Hip. Let him giue thee his message and be gone:
    Ser, He sayes hees signior Mathaeos man, but I know he
    Hip. How doest thou know it?
    Ser. Cause has nere a beard: tis his boy I thinke sir, who-
    soere paide for his nursing.
    Hip. Send him and keepe the doore. Reades.
    1810Fata si liceat mihi,
    Fingere arbitrio meo,
    Temperem Zephyro leuivela.
    Ide saile were I to choose, not in the Ocean,
    Cedars are shaken, when shrubs doe feele no bruize.
    1815Enter Bellafronte like a Page.
    How? from Mathaeo.
    Bell. Yes my Lord.
    Hip. Art sick?
    Bell. Not all in health my Lord.
    1820Hip. Keepe off.
    Bell. I do:
    Hard fate when women are compeld to wooe.
    Hip. This paper does speake nothing.
    Bell. Yes my Lord,
    1825Matter of life it speakes, and therefore writ
    In hidden Caracter; to me instruction
    My maister giues, And (lesse you please to stay
    Till you both meet) I can the text display.
    Hip. Doe so: read out.
    1830Bell. I am already out:
    Looke on my face, and read the strangest story!
    Hip. What villaine, ho? Enter his Seruant.
    Ser. Call you my Lord?
    Hip. Thou slaue, thou hast let in the diuell.
    1835Ser. Lord blesse vs, where? hees not clouen my Lord that
    I can see: besides the diuell goes more like a Gentleman
    than a Page: good my Lord Boon couragio.
    Hip. Thou hast let in a woman, in mans shape.
    And thou art dambd for't.
    1840Ser. Not dambd I hope for putting in a woman to a Lord.
    Hip. Fetch me my Rapier,--do not: I shall kill thee.
    Purge this infected chamber of that plague,
    That runnes vpon me thus: Slaue, thrust her hence.
    Ser. Alas my Lord, I shall neuer be able to thrust her hence
    1845without helpe: come Mermaid you must to Sea agen.
    Bell. Here me but speake, my words shall be all Musick:
    Here me but speake.
    Hip. Another beates the dore,
    T'other Shee-diuell, looke.
    1850Ser. Why then hell's broke loose.
    Hip. Hence, guard the chamber: let no more come on,
    G 2 One
    One woman serues for mans damnation,
    Beshrew thee, thou doost make me violate,
    The chastest and most sanctimonious vow,
    1855That ere was entred in the court of heauen:
    I was on meditations spottles wings,
    vpon my iourney thither; like a storme
    Thou beatst my ripened cogitations,
    flat to the ground: and like a theife doost stand,
    1860To steale deuotion from the holy land.
    Bell. If woman were thy mother; if thy hart,
    Bee not all Marble, (or ift Marble be)
    Let my teares soften it, to pitty me,
    I doe beseech thee doe not thus with scorne,
    1865Destroy a woman.
    Hip. Woman I beseech thee,
    Get thee some other suite, this fits thee not,
    I would not grant it to a kneeling Queene,
    I cannot loue thee, nor I must not: See,
    1870The copy of that obligation,
    Where my soul's bound in heauy penalties.
    Bell. She's dead you told me, shele let fal her suite.
    Hip. My vowes to her, fled after her to heauen,
    Were thine eyes cleere as mine, thou mightest behold her,
    1875Watching vpon yon battlements of starres,
    How I obserue them: should I breake my bond,
    This bord would riue in twaine, these wooden lippes
    Call me most periurde villaine let it suffice,
    I ha set thee in the path; Ist not a signe,
    1880I loue thee, when with one so most most deare,
    Ile haue thee fellowes? All are fellowes there.
    Bell. Be greater then a king, saue not a body,
    But from eternall shipwracke keepe a soule,
    If not, and that againe, sinnes path I tread,
    1885The griefe be mine, the guilt fall on thy head.
    Hip. Stay and take Phisicke for it, read this booke,
    Aske counsell of this head whats to be done,
    Hele strike it dead that tis damnation,
    If you turne turke againe, oh doe it not,
    1890The heauen cannot allure you to do well
    From doing ill let hell fright you: and learne this,
    The soule whose bosome lust did neuer touch,
    Is Gods faire bride, and maidens soules are such:
    The soule that leauing chastities white shore,
    1895Swims in hot sensuall streames, is the diuels whore,
    How now: who comes. Enter his seruant.
    Ser. No more knaues my Lord that weare smocks: heres
    a letter from doctor Benedict; I would not enter his man, tho
    he had haires at his mouth, for feare he should be a woman, for
    1900some women haue beardes, mary they are halfe witches,
    Slid you are a sweete youth to weare a codpeece, and haue no
    pinnes to stick vpont.
    Hip. Ile meete the doctor, tell him, yet too night
    I cannot: but at morrow rising Sunne
    1905I will not faile: goe woman fare thee well. Exeunt.
    Bel. The lowest fall can be but into hell,
    It does not moue him. I must therefore flie,
    From this vndoing Cittie, aud with teares,
    Wash off all anger from my fathers brow.
    1910He cannot sure but ioy seeing me new borne,
    A woman honest first and then turne whore,
    Is (as with me) common to thousands more,
    But from a strumpet to turne chast: that sonnd,
    Has oft bin heard, that woman hardly found. Exit.
    191511. SCE. Enter Fustigo, Crambo and Poh.
    Fus. Hold vp your hands gentlemen: heres one, two, three,
    (nay I warrant they are sound pistols, and without flawes, I
    had them (of my sister, and I know she vses to put nothing
    thats crackt,) three, foure, fiue, sixe, seauen, eight and nine, by
    1920this hand bring me but a piece of his bloud. And you shall
    haue 9. more. Ile lurke in a tauerne not far off & prouide sup-
    per to close vp the end of the Tragedy, the linnen drapers re-
    mēber-stand toot I beseech you, & play your parts perfectly.
    Cram. Looke you Signior, tis not your golde that we way.
    1925Fust. Nay, nay, way it and spare not, if it lacke one graine of (corne;
    Ile giue you a bushell of wheate to make it vp.
    Cram. But by your fauour Signior, which of the seruants
    G 3 is
    is it because weele punish iustly.
    Fust. Mary tis the head man; you shall tast him by his
    1930tongue a pretty tall prating felow, with a Tuscalonian beard.
    Po Tuscalonian? very good.
    Fust. Cods life I was neere so thrumbd since I was a gentle-
    man: my coxcombe was dry beaten as if my haire had beene
    hemp. Cram. Weele dry beate some of them.
    1935Fust. Nay it grew so high, that my sister cryed murder out
    very manfully: I haue her consent in a manner to haue him
    pepperd, els ile not doot to win more then ten cheaters do at a
    rifling: breake but his pate or so, onely his mazer, because
    ile haue his head in a cloth aswell as mine, hees a linnen dra-
    1940per and may take enough. I could enter mine action of batte-
    ry against him, but we may haps be both dead and rotten be-
    fore the lawyers would end it.
    Cram, No more to doe, but insconce your selfe i'th tauern;
    prouide no great cheare, couple of Capons, some Phesantes,
    1945Plouers, an Oringeado-pie or so: but how bloudy soere the
    day be, sally you not forth.
    Fust. No, no, nay if I stir, some body shal stinke: ile not budge:
    ile lie like a dog in a manger.
    Cram. Well, well, to the tauerne, let not our supper be raw,
    1950for you shall haue blood enough-your belly full.
    Fust. Thats all so god sa me, I thirst after, bloud for bloud,
    bump for bump, nose for nose, head for head, plaster for pla-
    ster, and so farewell: what shall I call your names because ile
    leaue word, if any such come to the barre.
    1955Cram. My name is Corporall Crambo.
    Poh. And mine, Lieutenant Poh. Exeunt.
    Cram. Poh is as tall a man as euer opened Oyster: I would
    not be the diuell to meete Poh, farewell.
    Fust: Nor I by this light, if Poh be such a Poh. Exeunt.
    1960Enter Candidoes wife, in her shop, and the
    two Premises.
    Wife. Whats a clocke now?
    2. Pren. Tis almost twelue.
    Wife. Thats well.
    1965The Senate will leaue wording presently,
    But is George ready,
    2. Pre. Yes forsooth, hees furbusht.
    Wife. Now as you euer hope to win my fauour,
    Thtow both your duties and respects on him,
    1970With the like awe as if he were your maister,
    Let not your lookes betray it with a smile,
    Or ieering glaunce to any customer,
    Keepe a true setled countenance, and beware,
    You laugh not whatsoeuer you heare or see.
    19752. Pren. I warrant you mistris, let vs alone for keeping our
    countenance: for if I list, theres neuer a foole in all Millan shal
    make me laugh, let him play the foole neuer so like an Asse,
    whether it be the fat Court foole, or the leane Cittie foole.
    Wife. Enough then, call downe George.
    19802. Pren. I heare him comming.
    Enter George.
    Wife. Be ready with your legs then, let me see,
    How curtzy would become him: gallantly!
    Beshrew my bloud a proper seemely man,
    1985Of a choice carriage walkes with a good port,
    Geo. I thanke you mistris, my back's broad enough, now
    my Maisters gown's on,
    Wif. Sure I should thinke it were the least of sinne,
    To mistake the maister, and to let him in.
    1990Geo. Twere a good Comedy of errors that yfaith.
    2. Pre. Whist, whist, my maister.
    Enter Candido, and Exit presently.
    Wif. You all know your taskes: gods my life, whats that
    hee has got vpon's backe? who can tell?
    1995Geo. That can I, but I will not.
    Wife. Girt about him like a mad-man: what: has he lost
    his cloake too; this is the maddest fashion that ere I sawe:
    what said he George when he pasde by thee?
    G 4 Geor.
    Geo. Troth Mistris, nothing: not so much as a Bee, he did
    2000not hum: not so much as a bawd he did not hem: not so
    much as a Cuckhold he did not ha: neither hum, hem, nor ha,
    onely star'de me in the face, past along, and made hast in, as if
    my lookes had workt with him, to giue him a stoole.
    Wi. Sure hees vext now, this trick has mou'd his speene.
    2005Hees angred now, because he vttered nothing:
    And wordlesse wrath breakes out more violent,
    May be heele striue for place, when he comes downe,
    But if thou lou'st me George, affoord him none.
    Geo. Nay let me alone to play my maisters prize, as long as
    2010my Mistrisse warrants me: Ime sure I haue his best cloathes
    on, and I scorne to giue place to any that is inferiour in appa-
    rell to me, thats an Axiom, a principle, & is obseru'd as much
    as the fashion; let that perswade you then, that Ile shoulder
    with him for the vpper hand in the shop, as long as this
    2015chaine will maintaine it.
    Wif. Spoke with the spirit of a Maister, tho with the
    tongue of a Prentise.
    Enter Candido like a Prentise.
    Why how now mad man? what in your tricksicoates!
    2020Cand. O peace good Mistrisse:
    Enter Crambo and Poh.
    See what you lack, what ist you buy? pure Callicoes, fine
    Hollands, choise Cambrickes, neate Lawnes: see what you
    buy? pray come neere, my Maister will vse you well, hee can
    2025affoord you a pennyworth.
    Wi. I that he can, out of a whole peece of Lawne yfaith.
    Cand. Pray see your choise here Gentlemen.
    Wi. O fine foole? what a mad-man? a patient mad-man?
    who euer heard of the like? well sir Ile fit you and your hu-
    2030mour presently: what? crosse-points, Ile vntie em all in a trice,
    Ile vex you faith. Boy take your cloake, quick, come. Exit.
    Cand. Be couered George, this chaine, and welted gowne,
    Bare to this coate: then the worlds vpside downe.
    Geo. Vmh, vmh, hum,
    2035Cram. Thats the shop, and theres the fellow.
    Poh. I but the Maister is walking in there.
    Cram. No matter, weele in.
    Poh. Sbloud doest long to lye in Limbo?
    Cram. And Limbo be in hell, I care not.
    2040Cand. Looke you Gentlemen, your choise: Cambricks?
    Cramb. No sir, some shirting.
    Cand. You shall.
    Cram. Haue you none of this strip'd Canuas for doublets.
    Cand. None strip'd sir, but plaine.
    20452. Pren. I thinke there be one peece stri'pd within.
    Geo. Step sirra and fetch it, hum, hum, hum.
    Cand. Looke you Gentlemen, Ile make but one spred-
    ding, heres a peece of cloth. fine, yet shall weare like Yron, tis
    without fault, take this vpon my word, tis without fault.
    2050Cram. Then tis better than you sirra.
    Cand. I, and a number more. ô that each soule
    Were but as spotlesse as this Innocent white,
    And had as few brakes in it.
    Cram. Twould haue some then: there was a fray here last
    2055day in this shop.
    Cand. There was indeed a little flea-biting.
    Poh. A Gentleman had his pate broake, call you that but
    a flea-biting.
    Cand. He had so.
    2060Cram. Zownes doe you stand in't He strikes him.
    Geo. Sfoot clubs, clubs, prentices, downe with em, ah you
    roagues, strike a Cittizen in's shop.
    Cand. None of you stir I pray, forbeare good George.
    Cram. I beseech you sir, we mistooke our markes, deliuer
    2065vs our weapons.
    Geo. Your head bleeds sir, crie clubes.
    Cand. I say you shall not, pray be patient,
    Giue them their weapons, sirs you're best be gone.
    I tell you here are boyes more tough then Beares:
    2070Hence. least more fists do walke about your eares.
    Both. We thanke you sir. Exeunt.
    Can. You shall not follow them.
    Let them alone pray, this did me no harme,
    Troth I was cold, and the blow made me warme,
    H I thanke
    2075I thanke em for't: besides I had decreed
    To haue a vaine prickt, I did meane to bleede,
    So that theres mony sau'd: they are honest men,
    Pray vse em well, when they appeare agen.
    Geo. Yes sir, weele vse em like honest men.
    2080Cand. I well said George, like honest men, tho they be ar-
    rant knaues, for thats the phrase of the citty; helpe to lay vp
    these wares
    Enter Candido's wife, with Officers.
    Wife. Yonder he stands.
    2085Off What in a Prentise-coate?
    Wif. I, I, mad, mad, pray take heed.
    Cand. How now? what newes with them? what make they
    with my wife? officers? is she attachd? looke to your wares.
    Wif. He talkes to himselfe, oh hees much gone indeed.
    2090Off. Pray pluck vp a good heart, be not so fearfull,
    Sirs hearke, weele gather to him by degrees.
    Wi. I, I. by degrees I pray: oh me! what makes he with
    the Lawne in his hand, heele teare all the ware in my shop.
    Off. Feare not weele catch him on a sudden.
    2095Wi. O you had need do so, pray take heed of your warrant
    Off. I warrant mistris. -- Now Signior Candido?
    Cand. Now sir, what newes with you sir?
    Wi. What newes with you he sayes: oh hees far gon.
    Off. I pray feare nothing, lets alone with him,
    2100Signior, you looke not like your selfe me thinkes,
    (Steale yon a tother side) y'are changde, y'are altred.
    Cand. Changde sir, why true sir, is change strange, tis not
    the fashion vnlesse it alter: Monarkes turne to beggers; beg-
    gers creepe into the nests of Princes, Maisters serue their
    2105prentises: Ladies their Seruingmen, men turne to women.
    Off. And women turne to men.
    Cand. I, and women turne to men, you say true, ha ha, a
    mad world, a mad world.
    Off. Haue we caught you sir?
    2110Cand. Caught me: well, well: you haue caught: me.
    Wi. Hee laughes in your faces.
    Geo. A rescue Prentises, my maister's catch-pold.
    Off. I charge you keepe the peace, or haue your legs gar-
    tered with Yrons, we haue from the Duke a warrant strong
    2115enough for what we doe.
    Cand. I pray rest quiet, I desire no rescue.
    Wi. La: he desires no rescue, las poore heart,
    He talkes against himselfe.
    Cand. Well, whats the matter?
    2120Off. Looke to that arme,
    Pray make sure worke, double the cord.
    Cand. Why, why?
    Wi. Looke how his head goes! should he get but loose,
    Oh twere as much as all our liues were worth.
    2125Off. Feare not, weele make all sure for our owne safetie.
    Cand. Are you at leisure now? well, whats the matter?
    Why do I enter into bonds thus? ha?
    Off. Because y'are mad, put feare vpon your wife.
    Wi. Oh I, I went in danger of my life, euery minute.
    2130Cand. What? am I mad say you, and I not know it?
    Off. That proues you mad, because you know it not.
    Wi. Pray talke as little to him as you can,
    You see hees too farre spent.
    Cand. Bound with strong corde!
    2135A Sisters thred yfaith had beene enough,
    To lead me any where: Wife do you long?
    You are mad too, or els you do me wrong.
    Geo. But are you mad indeed Maister?
    Cand. My Wife sayes so,
    2140And what she sayes; George, is all trueth you know:
    And whether now? to Bethlem Monastery? -- ha! whether?
    Off. Faith eene to the mad-mens pound.
    Cand. A Gods name, still I feele my patience sound. Exe.
    Geo. Come weele see whether he goes, if the maister be
    2145mad, we are his seruants, and must follow his steps, weele
    be mad caps too; Farewell mistrisse, you shall haue vs all in
    Bedlam. Exeunt.
    Wi. I thinke, I ha fitted now, you and your clothes,
    If this moue not his patience, nothing can,
    H 2 Ile
    2150Ile sweare then I haue a saint, and not a man. Exit.
    13. SCE.
    Enter Duke: Doctor, Fluello, Castruchio, Pioratto.
    Duk. Giue vs a little leaue: Doctor your newes,
    Doc. I sent for him my Lord: at last he came,
    2155And did receiue all speech that went from me,
    As gilded pilles made to prolong his health:
    My credit with him wrought it: for, some men,
    Swallow euen empty hookes, like fooles, that feare
    No drowning where tis deepest, cause tis cleare:
    2160In th'end we sat and eate: a health I dranke
    To Infaelices sweete departed soule,
    (This traine I knew would take.)
    Duk. Twas excellent.
    Doc. He fell with such deuotion on his knees.
    2165To pledge the same.
    Duk. Fond superstitious foole?
    Doc. That had he beene inflam'd with zeale of prayer;
    He could not power't out with more reuerence:
    About my necke he hung, wept on my cheeke.
    2170Kist it, and swore, he would adore my lippes,
    Because they brought forth Infaelices name.
    Duk. Ha, ha, alack, alack.
    Doc. The cup he lifts vp high, and thus he said,
    Here noble maid: drinkes, and was poisoned.
    2175Duk. And dyed?
    Doc. And dyed my Lord.
    Duk. Thou in that word,
    Hast peec'd mine aged houres out with more yeares,
    Than thou hast taken from Hipolito,
    2180A noble youth he was, but lesser branches
    Hindring the greaters growth, must be lopt off,
    And feede the fier: Doctor w'are now all thine,
    And vse vs so: be bold.
    Doc. Thankes gracious Lord:
    2185My honoured Lord:
    Duke. Hmh.
    Doc. I doe beseech your grace to bury deepe,
    This bloudy act of mine.
    Duk. Nay, nay, for that,
    2190Doctor looke you toot: me it shall not moue,
    Thei'r curs'de that ill doe, not that ill do loue,
    Doc. You throw an angry forehead on my face,
    But be you pleas'd, backward thus far to looke,
    That for your good this euill I vndertooke,
    2195Duk. I, I, we conster so:
    Doc. And onely for your loue.
    Duk. Confest: tis true.
    Doc. Nor let it stand against me as a bar,
    To thrust me from your presence: nor beleeue
    2200(As Princes haue quicke thoughts,) that now my finger
    Being dipt in blood, I will not spare the hand,
    But that for gold (as what can golde not doe?)
    I may be hi'rde to worke the like on you,
    Duk. Which to preuent--.
    2205Doc. Tis from my hart as far.
    Duk. No matter Doctor, cause ile feareles sleepe,
    And that you shall stand cleare of that suspition
    I banish thee for euer from my court.
    This principle is old but true as fate,
    2210Kings may loue treason, but the traitor hate, Exit.
    Doc. Ist so? nay then Duke, your stale principle
    With one as stale, the Doctor thus shall quit,
    He fals himselfe that dig anothers pit,
    How now: where is he? will he meete me:
    2215Enter the Doctors man.
    Doc. man. meete you sir? he might haue met with three
    fencers in this time and haue receiued lesse hurt then by mee-
    ting one Doctor of Phisicke: why sir has walkt vnder the old
    Abbey wall yonder this houre, till hees more colde then a
    2220Citizens country house in Ianiuere, you may smell him be-
    hinde sir; la you: yonder he comes.
    Doc. leaue me. Enter Hipolito.
    Doc. man. Ith lurch if you will. Exit.
    Do. O my most noble friend.
    H 3 Hip. Few
    2225Hip. Few but your selfe,
    Could haue inticd me thus, to trust the Aire,
    With my close sighes, you send for me: what newes?
    Doc. Come you must doff this blacke: die that pale cheeke,
    Into his owne colour; goe: Attire your selfe
    2230Fresh as a bridegroome, when he meetes his bride,
    The Duke has done much treason to thy loue,
    Tis now reuealed, tis now to be reuengde,
    Be mery honord friend, thy Lady liues.
    Hip. What Lady?
    2235Doc. Infaelice, Shees reuiude;
    Reuiude: alacke! death neuer had the hart,
    To take breath from her.
    Hip. Vmh: I thanke you sir,
    Phisicke prolongs life, when it cannot saue,
    2240This helpes not my hopes. mine are in their graue:
    You doe some wrong to mocke me.
    Doc. By that loue,
    Which I haue euer borne you, what I speake
    Is trueth: the maiden liues: that funerall,
    2245Dukes teares, the mourning, was all counterfet,
    A sleepy draught cozend the world and you,
    I was his minister and then chambred vp,
    To stop discouery.
    Hip. O trecherous Duke:
    2250Doc. He cannot hope so certainely for blisse:
    As he beleeues that I haue poysond you,
    He woode me toot, I yeelded, and confirm'd him,
    In his most bloudy thoughts.
    Hip. A very deuill!
    2255Doc. Her did he closely coach to Bergamo,
    And thither --------
    Hip. Will I ride, stood Bergamo,
    In the low countries of blacke hell, ile to her.
    Doc. You shall to her, but not to Bergamo,
    2260How passion makes you fly beyond your selfe.
    Much of that weary iourney I'ha cut off,
    For she by letters hath intelligence,
    Of your supposed death, her owne interment,
    And all those plots, which that false Duke, (her father)
    2265Has wrought against you: And sheele meete you.
    Hip. O when:
    Doc. Nay see: how couetous are your desires,
    Earely to morrow morne.
    Hip. O where good father.
    2270Doc. At Bethlem monasterie: are you pleasd now?
    Hip, At Bethlem monasterie: the place well fits,
    It is the scoole where those that loose their wits,
    Practise againe to get them: I am sicke
    Of that disease, all loue is lunaticke.
    2275Doc. Weele steale away (this night) in some disguise,
    Father Anselmo, a most reuerend Frier,
    Expects our comming, before whom weele lay,
    Reasons so strong, that he shall yeeld, in bands,
    Of holy wedlocke, to tie both your hands.
    2280Hip. This is such happinesse:
    That to beleeue it. tis impossible.
    Doc. Let all your ioyes then die in misbeliefe,
    I will reueale no more.
    Hip. O yes good father,
    2285I am so well acquainted with despaire,
    I know not how to hope: I beleeue all.
    Doc. Weele hence this night, much must be done, much (said
    But if the Doctor faile not in his charmes,
    Your Lady shall ere morning fill these armes.
    2290Hip. heauenly Phisition: far thy fame shall spred,
    That mak'st two louers speake when they be dead.
    Candido's wife, and George: Pioratto
    meetes them.
    2295Wi. O watch good George, watch which way the Duke (comes.
    Geo. Here comes one of the butter flies, aske him.
    Wi. Pray sir, comes the duke this way.
    Pio. He's vpon comming mistris. Exit.
    Wi. I thanke you sir: Geroge are there many madfolkes,
    2300where thy Maister lies.
    H 4 Geor
    Geo. O yes, of all countries some, but especially mad greekes
    they swarme: troth mistris, the world is altered with you,
    you had not wont to stand thus with a paper humbly com-
    playning: but you're well enough seru'd: prouander prickt
    2305you, as it does many of our Citty-wiues besides.
    Wif. Dost thinke George we shall get him forth.
    Geo. Truly mistris I cannot tel, I thinke youle hardly get him
    forth: why tis strange! Sfoot I haue known many womē that
    haue had mad rascals to their husbāds, whom they would be-
    2310labour by all meanes possible to keepe em in their right wits,
    but of a woman to long to turne a tame mā into a madman.
    why the diuell himselfe was neuer vsde so by his dam.
    Wif. How does he talke George! ha! good George tell me.
    Geo. Why youre best go see.
    2315Wif. Alas I am afraid.
    Geo. Afraid! you had more need be ashamd: he may ra-
    ther be afraid of you.
    Wif. But George hees not starke mad, is hee? hee does not
    raue, hees not horne-mad George is he?
    2320Geo. Nay I know not that, but he talkes like a Iustice of
    peace. of a thousand matters and to no purpose.
    Wif. Ile to the monastery: I shall be mad till I inioy him,
    I shalbe sick till I see him, yet when I doe see him, I shall
    weepe out mine eyes.
    2325Geo. I ide faine see a woman weepe out her eyes; thats as
    true, as to say, a mans cloake burnes; when it hangs in the
    water: I know youle weepe mistrisse: but what saies the pain-
    ted cloth. Trust not a woman when she cries.
    For sheele pump water from her eyes.
    2330 With a wet finger, and in faster showers,
    Then Aprill when he raines downe flowers.
    Wif. I but George, that painted cloath is worthy to be
    hangd vp for lying, all women haue not teares at will, vnlesse
    they haue good cause.
    2335Geo. I but mistrisse how easily will they find a cause, and
    as one of our Cheese-trenchers sayes very learnedly:
    As out of Wormwood Bees suck Hony,
    As from poore clients Lawyers firke mony,
    As Parsley from a roasted cunny.
    2340 So tho the day be nere so sunny,
    If wiues will haue it raine, downe then it driues,
    The calmest husbands make the stormest wiues.
    Wif. Tame George, but I ha don storming now.
    Geo. Why thats well done, good mistris throw aside this
    2345fashion of your humor, be not so phantasticall in wearing it,
    storme no more, long no more.-This longing has made you
    come short of many a good thing that you might haue had
    from my Maister: Here comes the Duke.
    Enter Duke, Fluello, Pioratto, Sinere.
    2350Wife. Oh I beseech you pardon my offence,
    In that I durst abuse your Graces warrant,
    Deliuer foorth my husband good my Lord.
    Duke. Who is her husband?
    Flu. Candido my Lord. Duke. Where is he?
    2355Wife. Hees among the lunaticks,
    He was a man made vp without a gall,
    Nothing could moue him, nothing could conuert
    His meeke bloud into fury, yet like a monster,
    I often beat at the most constant rock
    2360Of his vnshaken patience, and did long
    To vex him. Duke. Did you so?
    Wife. And for that purpose,
    Had warrant from your Grace, to cary him
    To Bethlem Monastery whence they will not free him,
    2365Without your Graces hand that sent him in.
    Duke. You haue longd fayre; tis you are mad I feare,
    Its fit to fetch him thence, and keepe you there:
    If he be mad, why would you haue him forth?
    Geo. And please your grace, hees not starke mad, but one-
    2370ly talkes like a young Gentleman; somewhat phantastically,
    thats all: theres a thousand about your court, citty and
    countrie, madder then he.
    Duke. Prouide a warrant, you shall haue our hand.
    Geo. Heres a warrant ready drawne my Lord.
    2375Cast. Get pen & inck, get pen & inck: Enter Castruchio.
    Cast Where is my Lord the Duke?
    Duke. How now? more mad men.
    I Cast.
    Cast. I haue strange newes my Lord.
    Duk. Of what? of whom?
    2380Cast. Of Infaelice, and a mariage.
    Du. Ha! where? with whom.
    Cast. Hipolito. Geo. Here my Lord.
    Du. Hence with that woman, voyd the roome.
    Flu. Away, the Duke's vext.
    2385Geo. Whoop, come mistris the Duke's mad too. Exeunt.
    Du. Who told me that Hipolito was dead?
    Cast. He that can make any man dead, the Doctor: but
    my Lord, hees as full of life as wilde-fire; and as quick: Hipo-
    lito, the Doctor, and one more rid hence this euening; the
    2390Inne at which they light is Bethlem Monastarie: Infaeliche
    comes from Bergamo, and meetes them there: Hipolito is
    mad, for he meanes this day to be maryed, the after-noone is
    the houre, and Frier Anselmo is the knitter.
    Du. From Bergamo? ist possible? it cannot be,
    2395It cannot be.
    Cast. I will not sweare my Lord,
    But this intelligence I tooke from one,
    Whose braines workes in the plot.
    Du. Whats he? Cast. Mathaeo.
    2400Flu. Mathaeo knowes all. Pio. Hees Hipolitoes bosome.
    Duke. How farre stands Bethlem hence?
    Omn. Six or seauen miles.
    Duke. Ist euen so, not maried till the afternoone you say?
    Stay, stay, lets worke out some preuention: how:
    2405This is most strange, can none but mad-men serue
    To dresse their wedding dinner? All of you,
    Get presently to horse; disguise your selues
    Like Countrie-Gentlemen,
    Or riding cittizens, or so: and take
    2410Each man a seuerall path, but let vs meete,
    At Bethlem Monasterie, some space of time
    Being spent betweene the arriuall each of other,
    As if we came to see the Lunaticks.
    To horse, away, be secret on your liues,
    2415Loue must be punisht that vniustly thriues. Exeunt.
    Flu. Be secret on your liues! Castruchio
    Y'are but a scuruy Spaniell; honest Lord,
    Good Lady: Zounds their loue is iust, tis good,
    And Ile preuent you, tho I swim in bloud. Exit.
    2420Enter Frier Anselmo, Hipolito, Mathaeo, Infaeliche.
    Hip. Nay, nay, resolue good father, or deny.
    Ans. You presse me to an act, both full of danger,
    And full of happinesse, for I behold.
    Your fathers frownes, his threats, nay perhaps death,
    2425To him that dare doe this, yet noble Lord,
    Such comfortable beames breake through these clowdes,
    By this blest mariage, that your honord word
    Being pawnd in my defence) I will tie fast,
    The holy wedding Knot. Hip. Tush feare not the Duke.
    2430Ans. O sonne, wisely to feare: Is to be free from feare.
    Hip. You haue our words, and you shall haue our liues,
    To guard you safe from all ensuing danger.
    Ma. I, I, chop em vp and away.
    Ans. Stay, when ist fit for me, safest for you,
    2435To entertaine this busines.
    Hip. Not till the euening.
    Ans. Be't so, there is a chappell stands hard by,
    Vpon the West end of the Abbey wall,
    Thether conuay your selues, and when the sunne
    2440Hath turnd his back vpon this vpper world,
    Ile mary you, that done, no thnndring voice,
    Can breake the sacred bond, yet Lady here you are most safe.
    Infae. Father your lou's most deere.
    Mat. I well said locke vs into some little roome by our
    2445selues that we may be mad for an houre or two.
    Hip. O good Mathaeo no, lets make no noise.
    Mat. How! no noise! do you know where you are: sfoot
    amonst all the mad-caps in Millan: so that to throw the house
    out at window will be the better, & no man will suspect that
    2450we lurke here to steale mutton: the more sober we are, the
    more scuruy tis. And tho the Frier tell vs, that heere we are
    safest, i'me not of his minde, for if those lay here that had lost
    there mony, none would euer looke after them, but heare are
    none but those that haue lost their wits, o that if hue and cry
    2455be made, hether theile come, and my reason is, because none
    I 2 goes
    goes to be married till he be starke mad.
    Hip. Muffle your selues yonders Fluello. Enter Fluello.
    Ma. Zounds!
    Flu. O my Lord these cloakes are not for this raine, the
    2460tempest is too great: I come sweating to tell you of it, that
    you may get out of it.
    Mat. Why whats the matter.
    Flu. Whats the matter! you haue matterd it faire: the (Duk's at hand.
    Onm. The Duke?
    2465Flu. The very Duke.
    Hip. Then all our plots
    Are turnd vpon our heads; and we are blown vp:
    With our own vnderminings. Sfoot how comes he,
    What villaine durst betray our being here.
    2470Flu: Castruchio, Castruchio tolde the Duke, and Mathaeo
    here told Castruchio.
    Hip. Would you betray me to Castruchio,
    Ma. Sfoot he dambd himselfe to the pit of hell if he spake (ont agen.
    Hip. So did you sweare to me, so were you dambd.
    2475Mat. Pox on em, & there be no faith in men, if a man shall
    not beleeue oathes: he tooke bread and salt by this light, that
    he would neuer open his lips. Hip. Oh God, oh God.
    Ans. Sonne be not desperate,
    Haue patience, you shal trip your enemy downe:
    2480By his owne sleights, how far is the Duke hence.
    Flu. Hees but new set out: Castruchio, Pioratto and Sinezi
    come along with him: you haue time enough yet to preuent
    them if you haue but courage.
    Ans. You shall steale secretly into the Chappell,
    2485And presently be maried, if the duke
    Abide here still, spite of ten thousand eyes,
    You shall scape hence like Friers.
    Hip. O blest disguise: O happy man.
    Ans. Talke not of happinesse till your closde hand,
    2490Haue her bith'forhead, like the locke of time,
    Be not to slow, nor hasty, now you clime,
    Vp to the towre of blisse, onely be wary
    And patient, thats all, if you like my plot
    Build and dispatch, if not, farewell, then not.
    2495Hip. O Yes, we doe applaud it, weele dispute
    No longer, but will hence and execute.
    Fluello youle stay here, let vs be gon,
    The ground that frighted louers tread vpon,
    Is stucke with thornes.
    2500Ans. Come then, away: tis meete,
    To escape those thornes, to put on winged feete. Exeunt.
    Mat. No words I pray Fluello, for it stands vs vpon.
    Flu. Oh sir, let that be your lesson.
    Alas poore louers, on what hopes and feares,
    2505Men tosse themselues for women, when shees got
    The best has in her that which pleaseth not.
    Enter to Fluello, the Duke, Castruchio, Pioratto and
    Sinezi from seuerall dores muffled.
    Duk. Whose there! Cast. My Lord.
    2510Duk. Peace, send that Lord away,
    A Lordship will spoile all, lets be all fellowes.
    Whats he. Cast. Fluello, or els Sinezi by his little legs.
    Omn. All friends, all friends.
    Duk. What! met vpon the very point of time,
    2515Is this the place. Pio. This is the place my Lord.
    Duke. Dreame you on Lordships! come no more Lordes: (pray,
    You haue not seene these louers yet. Omn. Not yet.
    Duk. Castruchio art thou sure this wedding feate,
    Is not till afternoone?
    2520Cast. So tis giuen out my Lord.
    Duk. Nay, nay, tis like, theeues must obserue their houres,
    Louers watch minuts like Astronomers,
    How shall the Interim houres by vs be spent.
    Flu. Lets all goe see the mad-men.
    2525Omn. Mas content. Enter Towne like a sweeper.
    Duk. Oh here comes one, question him, question him.
    Flu. How now honest fellow dost thou belong to the house.
    Tow. Yes forsooth, I am one of the implements; I swepe the
    madmens roomes, and fetch straw for em, and buy chaines
    2530to tie em, & rods to whip em, I was a mad wag my selfe here
    once, but I thanke father Anselm he lasht me into my right (minde agen.
    Duk. Anselmo is the Frier must marry them
    Question him where he is
    I 3 Cast.
    Cast. And where is father Anselmo now?
    2535Tow. Mary hees gon but eene now.
    Duk. I, well done, tell me, whether is he gone?
    Tow. Why to God a mighty.
    Flu. Ha, ha, this fellow is a foole, talkes idlelie.
    Pio. Sirra are all the mad folkes in Millan brought hither?
    2540Tow. How all, theres a wise question indeede: why if al the
    mad folkes in Millan should come hither, there would not be
    left ten men in the Citty.
    Duk. Few gentlemen or Courtiers here, ha.
    Tow. Oh yes? abundance, aboundance, lands no sooner fall
    2545into their hands, but straight they runne out a their wits: Ci-
    tizēs sons & heires are free of the house by their fathers copy:
    Farmers sons come hither like geese (in flocks) & when they
    ha sould all their corne fields, here they sit & picke the straws.
    Sin. Me thinks you should haue women here aswel as men.
    2550Tow. Oh, I: a plague on em, theres no ho with them, they are
    madder then march haires.
    Flu. Are there no lawyers here amongst you?
    Tow. Oh no, not one: neuer any lawyer, we dare not let a
    lawyer come in, for heele make em mad faster than we can
    2555recouer em.
    Du. And how long ist er'e you recouer any of these.
    Tow. Why according to the quantitie of the Moone thats
    got into em, an Aldermans sonne will be mad a great while
    a very great while, especially if his friends left him well, a
    2560whore will hardly come to her wits agen: a puritane ther's no
    hope of him, vnlesse he may pull downe the steeple and hang
    himselfe it'h bell-ropes.
    Flu. I perceiue all sorts of fish come to your net.
    Tow. Yes intruth, we haue blockes for all heads, we haue
    2565good store of wilde oates here: for the Courtier is mad at
    the Cittizen, the Cittizen is madde at the Country man, the
    shoomaker is mad at the cobler, the cobler at the carman, the
    punke is mad that the Marchants wife is no whore, the Mar-
    chants wife is mad that the puncke is so common a whore:
    2570gods so, heres father Anselmo, pray say nothing that I tel tales
    out of the schoole. Exit.
    Omn. God blesse you father. Enter Anselmo.
    Ans. Thanke you gentlemen.
    Cast. Pray may we see some of those wretched Soules,
    2575That here are in your keeping? Ans. Yes: you shall,
    But gentlemen I must disarme you then,
    There are of mad men, as there are of tame,
    All humourd not alike: we haue here some,
    So apish and phantastike, play with a fether,
    2580And tho twould greeue a soule, to see Gods image,
    So blemisht and defac'd, yet do they act
    Such anticke and such pretty lunacies,
    That spite of sorrow they will make you smile:
    Others agen we haue like hungry Lions,
    2585Fierce as wilde Buls, vntameable as flies,
    And these haue oftentimes from strangers sides
    Snatcht rapiers suddenly, and done much harme,
    Whom if youle see, you must be weaponlesse.
    Omn. With all our harts.
    2590Ans. Here: take these weapons in,
    Stand of a little pray, so, so, tis well:
    Ile shew you here a man that was sometimes,
    A very graue and wealthy Cittizen,
    Has serud a prentiship to this misfortune,
    2595Bin here seuen yeares, and dwelt in Bergamo.
    Duke. How fell he from himselfe?
    Ans. By losse at Sea:
    Ile stand aside, question him you alone,
    For if he spy me, heele not speake a word,
    2600Vnlesse hees throughly vext. Discouers an old man, wrapt in a Net.
    Flu. Alas poore soule.
    Cast. A very old man. Duk. God speed father.
    1. Mad. God speed the plough: thou shalt not speed me.
    Pio. We see you old man, for all you daunce in a net.
    26051. Mad. True, but thou wilt daunce in a halter, & I shal not (see thee.
    Ans. O, doe not vex him pray.
    Cast. Are you a Fisherman father?
    1. Mad. No, i'me neither fish nor flesh.
    Flu. What do you with that net then?
    26101. Mad. Doest not see foole! theres a fresh Salmon in't: if
    you step one foot furder, youle be ouer shoes, for you see ime
    I 4 oue
    ouer head & ear in the salt-water: & if you fall into this whirl-
    poole where I am, y'are drownd: y'are a drownd rat. -- I am
    fishing here for fiue ships, but I cannot haue a good draught,
    2615for my net breakes still, and breakes, but Ile breake some of
    your necks & I catch you in my clutches. Stay, stay, stay, stay,
    stay - wheres the wind, wheres the wind, wheres the winde:
    wheres the winde: out you guls, you goose-caps, you
    gudgeon eaters! do you looke for the wind in the heauens?
    2620ha ha ha ha, no no, looke there, looke there, looke there, the
    winde, is alwayes at that doore: hearke how it blowes, pooff
    pooff, pooff. Omn. Ha ha ha.
    1. Mad. Do you laught at Gods creatures? do you mock old
    age you roagues? is this gray beard and head counterfet, that
    2625you cry ha ha ha?-- Sirra, art not thou my eldest sonne?
    Pior. Yes indeed father.
    1. Mad. Then th'art a foole, for my eldest sonne had a polt
    foote, crooked legs, a vergis face, and a peare-collourd beard;
    I made him a scholler, and he made himselfe a foole.-- Sirra!
    2630thou there? hould out thy hand. Duk. My hand, wel, here tis.
    1. Mad. Looke, looke, looke, looke: has he not long nailes,
    and short haire? Flu. Yes monstrous short haire, and abho-
    minable long nailes. 1. Mad. Ten-peny nailes are they not?
    Flu. Yes ten-peny nailes.
    26351. Mad. Such nailes had my second boy: kneele downe
    thou varlet, and aske thy father blessing. Such nailes had my
    middlemost sonne and I made him a Promoter: & he scrapt,
    & scrapt, & scrapt, till he got the diuell and all: but he scrapt
    thus and thus, & thus, and it went vnder his legs, till at length
    2640a company of Kites taking him for carion, swept vp all, all, all,
    all, all, all, all.--If you loue your liues, looke to your selues,
    see, see, see, see, the Turkes gallies are fighting with my ships,
    Bownce goes the guns-oooh! cry the men: romble romble
    goe the waters--Alas! there! tis sunke--tis sunck: I am vn-
    2645don, I am vndon, you are the dambd Pirates haue vndone
    me,-- you are bith Lord, you are, you are, stop em, you are.
    Ans. Why how now Syrra, must I fall to tame you?
    1. Mad. Tame me? no: ile be madder than a roasted Cat:
    see, see, I am burnt with gunpowder, these are our close fights.
    2650Ans. Ile whip you if you grow vnruly thus.
    1. Mad.
    1. Mad. Whip me? out you toad:- whip me? what iustice
    is this, to whip me because Ime a begger?--Alas? I am a
    poore man: a very poore man: I am starud, and haue had no
    meate by this light, euer since the great floud, I am a poore
    2655man. Ans. Well, well; be quiet and you shall haue meate.
    1. Mad. I, I, pray do, for looke you, here be my guts: these
    are my ribs,-you may looke through my ribs,--see how my
    guts come out--these are my red guttes, my very guts, oh, oh!
    Ansel. Take him in there.
    2660Omn. A very pitious sight.
    Cast. Father I see you haue a busie charge.
    Ans. They must be vsde like children, pleasd with toyes,
    And anon whipt for their vnrulinesse:
    Ile shew you now a paire quite different
    2665From him thats gon; he was all words: and these
    Vnlesse you vrge em, seldome spend their speech,
    But saue their tongues-la you-this hithermost
    Fell from the happy quietnesse of mind,
    About a maiden that he loude, and dyed:
    2670He followed her to church, being full of teares,
    And as her body went into the ground,
    He fell starke mad. That is a maryed man,
    Was iealous of a faire, but (as some say)
    A very vertuous wife, and that spoild him.
    26752. Mad. All these are whoremongers & lay with my wife:
    whore, whore, whore, whore, whore.
    Flu. Obserue him.
    2. Mad. Gaffer shoomaker, you puld on my wiues pumps,
    and then crept into her pantofles: lye there, lye there,--this
    2680was her Tailer,-you cut out her loose-bodied gowne, and put
    in a yard more then I allowed her, lye there by the shomaker:
    ô, maister Doctor! are you here: you gaue me a purgation,
    and then crept into my wiues chamber, to feele her pulses,
    and you said, and she sayd, and her mayd said, that they went
    2685pit a pat-pit a pat-pit a pat,-Doctor Ile put you anon into my
    wiues vrinall:-heigh, come a loft Iack? this was her school-
    maister and taught her to play vpon the Virginals, and still
    his Iacks leapt vp, vp: you prickt her out nothing but bawdy
    K lessons,
    lessons, but Ile prick you all,-Fidler-Doctor-Tayler-Shoo-
    2690maker,-Shoomaker-Fidler-Doctor-Tayler-so! lye with my
    wife agen now.
    Castr. See how he notes the other now he feedes.
    2. Mad. Giue me some porridge.
    3. Mad. Ile giue thee none.
    26952. Mad. Giue me some porridge.
    3. Mad. Ile not giue thee a bit,
    2. Mad. Giue me that flap-dragon.
    3. Mad. Ile not giue thee a spoonefull: thou liest, its no
    Dragon tis a Parrat, that I bought for my sweete heart, and
    2700ile keepe it.
    2. Mad. Heres an Almond for Parrat.
    3. Mad. Hang thy selfe.
    2. Mad. Heres a roape for Parrat.
    3. Mad. Eate it, for ile eate this.
    27052. Mad. Ile shoote at thee and thow't giue me none.
    3. Mad. Wut thou?
    2. Mad. Ile run a tilt at thee and thow't giue me none.
    3. Mad. Wut thou? doe and thou dar'st.
    2. Mad. Bownce.
    27103. Mad. Ooh! I am slaine-murder, murder, murder, I am
    slaine, my braines are beaten out.
    Ans. How now you villaines, bring me whips: ile whip you
    3. Mad. I am dead, I am slaine, ring out the bel, for I am dead,
    Duk. How will you do now sirra? you ha kild him.
    27152. Mad. Ile answer't at Sessions: he was eating of Almond
    Butter, and I longd for't: the child had neuer bin deliuered
    out of my belly, if I had not kild him, Ile answer't at sessions,
    so my wife may be burnt ith hand too.
    Ans. Take em in both: bury him, for hees dead.
    27203. Mad. I indeed, I am dead, put me I pray into a good pit (hole.
    2. Mad. Ile answer't at Sessions. Exeunt.
    Enter Bellafronte mad.
    Ans. How now huswife, whether gad you?
    Bell. A nutting forsooth: how doe you gaffer? how doe
    2725you gaffer? theres a French cursie for you too.
    Flu. Tis Bellafronte.
    Pio. Tis the puncke bith Lord.
    Duk. Father whats she I pray?
    Ans. As yet I know not,
    2730She came but in this day, talkes little idlely
    And therefore has the freedome of the house,
    Bell. Doe not you know me? nor you? nor you, nor you?
    Omn. No indeede.
    Bell. Then you are an Asse, and you are an Asse, and you
    2735are an Asse, for I know you.
    Ans. Why, what are they? come: tell me what are they?
    Bell. Three fish-wiues: will you buy any gudgeons! gods
    santy yonder come Friers, I know them too, how doe you
    2740Enter Hipolito, Mathaeo, and Infaeliche disguisde
    in the Habets of Friers.
    Ans. Nay, nay, away, you must not trouble Friers.
    The duke is here speake nothing.
    Bell. Nay indeed you shall not goe: weele run at barlibreak
    2745first, and you shalbe in hell.
    Mat. My puncke turnd mad whore, as all her fellowes are?
    Hip. Speake nothing, but steale hence, when you spie time.
    Ans. Ile locke you vp if y'are vnruly fie
    Bell. fie! mary fo: they shall not goe indeed till I ha tolde
    2750em their fortunes.
    Duk. Good Father giue her leaue.
    Bell. I pray, good father, ad Ile giue you my blessing.
    Ans. Wel then be briefe, but if you are thus vnruly,
    Ile haue you lockt vp fast.
    2755Pio. come, to their fortunes.
    Bell. Let me see 1. 2. 3. and 4. ile begin with the little Fri-
    er first, heres a fine hand indeed, I neuer saw Frier haue such
    a dainty hand: heres a hand for a Lady, you ha good fortune (now
    O see, see what a thred heres spun,
    2760You loue a Frier better then a Nun,
    Yet long youle loue no Frier, nor no Friers sonne.
    Bow a little, the line of life is out, yet i'me afraid,
    For all your holy, youle not die a maide, God giue you ioy.
    Now to you Frier Tucke.
    2765Mat, God send me good lucke.
    K 2 Bell.
    Bell. You loue one, and one loues you.
    You are a false knaue, and shees a Iew.
    Here is a Diall that false euer goes.
    Mat. O your wit drops.
    2770Bell. Troth so does your nose: nay lets shake hands with you (too
    Pray open, hers a fine hand,
    Ho Fryer ho, God be here,
    So he had need: youle keepe good cheere.
    Heers a free table, but a frozen breast,
    2775For youle starue those that loue you best.
    Yet you haue good fortune. for if I am no liar,
    Then you are no Frier, nor you, nor you no Frier discouers them.
    Haha haha.
    Dukd. Are holy habits cloakes for villanie?
    2780Draw all your weapons.
    Hip. doe, draw all your weapons.
    Duke. Where are your weapons, draw.
    Omn, The Frier has guld vs of em.
    Mat. O rare tricke:
    2785You ha learnt one mad point of Arithmaticke.
    Hip. Why swels your spleene so hie? against what bosome,
    Would you your weapons draw? hers! tis your daughters:
    Mine tis your sonnes?
    Duk. Sonne?
    2790Mat. Sonne, by yonder Sunne.
    Hip. You cannot shed bloud here, but tis your owne,
    To spill your owne bloud were damnation,
    Lay smooth that wrinckled brow, and I will throw
    My selfe beneath your feete,
    2795Let it be rugged still and flinted o're,
    What can come forth but sparkles, that will burne,
    Your selfe and vs? Shees mine; my claimes most good,
    Ansel: Shees mine by marriage: tho shees yours by bloud.
    I haue a hand deare Lord, deepe in this act.
    2800For I foresaw this storme, yet willingly
    Put fourth to meete it? Oft haue I seene a father
    Washing the wounds of his deare sonne in teares,
    A sonne to curse the sword that strucke his father.
    Both slaine ith quarrell of your families,
    2805Those scars are now tane off: And I beseech you,
    To seale our pardon, all was to this end
    To turne the ancient hates of your two houses
    To fresh greene friendship: that your Loues might looke:
    Like the springes forehead, comfortably sweete,
    2810And your vext soules in peacefull vnion meete.
    Their bloud will now be yours, yours will be theirs,
    And happinesse shall crowne your siluer haires.
    Flu. You see my Lord theres now no remedy.
    Omn. Beseech your Lordship.
    2815Duk. You beseech faire, you haue me in place fit
    To bridle me, rise Frier, you may be glad
    You can make madmen tame, and tame men mad,
    Since fate hath conquered, I must rest content,
    To striue now would but ad new punishment:
    2820I yeeld vnto your happinesse, be blest,
    Our families, shall henceforth breath in rest.
    Omn. O hapy change.
    Duk. Yours now is my consent.
    I throw vpon your ioyes my full consent.
    2825Bell. Am not I a fine fortune-teller? gods me you are a
    braue man: will not you buy me some Suger plums, for tel-
    ling how the frier was ith well, will you not?
    Duk. Would thou hadst wit thou pretty soule to aske,
    As I haue will to giue.
    2830Bell. Pretty soule! a pretty soule is better than a prety body:
    do not you know my prety soule?
    Mat. You.
    Bell. Looke fine man, nay? I know you all by your noses, he
    was mad for me once, and I was mad for him once, and he
    2835was mad for her once, & were you neuer mad? yes I warrāt.
    Is not your name Matheo. Mat. Yes Lamb.
    Bell: Lamb! baa! am I Lamb? there you lie for I am Mutton,
    I had a fine iewell once, a very fine iewell and that naughty
    man stoale it away from me, fine iewell a very fine iewell.
    2840Duk. What iewell pretty maide.
    Bell. Maide nay thats a lie, O twas a very rich iewell, harke twas (calde
    K 3 a mai-
    a Maidenhead, and that naughty man had it, had you not lee-(rer.
    Mat. Out you mad Asse away.
    Duk. Had he thy Maiden-head? he shall make thee a-
    2845mends, and marry thee.
    Bell. Shall he? ô braue Arthur of Bradly then shall he!
    Duk. And if he beare the minde of a Gentleman,
    I know he will.
    Mat. I thinke I rifled her of some such paltry Iewell.
    2850Duk. Did you? then mary her, you see the wrong
    Has led her spirits into a lunacie.
    Mat. How, marry her my Lord? sfoot marry a mad-wo-
    man: let a man get the tamest wife he can come by, sheele be
    mad enough afterward, doe what he can.
    2855Duk. Father Anselmo here shall do his best,
    To bring her to her wits, and will you then?
    Mat. I cannot tell, I may choose.
    Duk. Nay then law shall compell: I tell you sir,
    So much her hard fate moues me: you should not breath
    2860Vnder this ayre, vnlesse you marryed her.
    Mat. Well then, when her wits stand in their right place, (ile mary her.
    Bell. I thanke your grace, Mathaeo thou art mine,
    I am not mad, but put on this disguise,
    Onely for you my Lord, for you can tell
    2865Much wonder of me, but you are gon: farewell.
    Mathaeo thou first madst black,
    Now make mee white as before, I vow to thee Ime now,
    As chaste as infancy, pure as Cynthias brow.
    Hip. I durst be sworne Mathaeo she's indeed.
    2870Mat. Cony-catcht, guld, must I saile in your flie-boate,
    Because I helpt to reare your maine-mast first:
    Plague found you fort,-tis well.
    The Cuckolds stampe goes currant in all Nations,
    Some men haue hornes giuen them at their creations,
    2875If I be one of those, why so: its better
    To take a common wench, and make her good,
    Than one that simpers, and at first, will scarse
    Be tempted forth ouer the threshold dore,
    Yet in one sennight, zounds, turnes arrant whore,
    2880Come wench, thou shalt be mine, giue me thy gols,
    Weele talke of legges hereafter: see my Lord,
    God giue vs ioy. Omn. God giue you ioy.
    Enter Candidoes wife and George.
    Geo. Come mistris we are in Bedlam now, mas and see, we
    2885come in pudding-time, for heres the Duke.
    Wif. My husband good my Lord.
    Duk. Haue I thy husband?
    Cast. Its Candido my Lord, he's here among the lunaticks:
    father Anselmo, pray fetch him forth: this mad-woman is
    2890his wife, and tho shee were not with child, yet did she long
    most spitefully to haue her husband, that was patient as
    Iob, to be more mad then euer was Orlando, as because shee
    would be sure, he should turne Iew, she placed him here in
    Bethlem, yonder he comes.
    2895Enter Candido with Anselmo.
    Duke. Come hither Signior--Are you mad.
    Cand. You are not mad. Duke. Why I know that.
    Cand. Then may you know, I am not mad, that know
    You are not mad, and that you are the duke:
    2900None is mad here but one -- How do you wife:
    What do you long for now? --pardon my Lord.
    Duke. Why Signior came you hether?
    Cand. O my good Lord!
    Shee had lost her childes nose els: I did cut out
    2905Penniworths of Lawne, the Lawne was yet mine owne:
    A carpet was yet my gowne, yet twas mine owne,
    I wore my mans coate. yet the cloath mine owne,
    Had a crackt crowne, the crowne was yet mine owne,
    She sayes for this Ime mad, were her words true,
    2910I should be mad indeed -- ô foolish skill,
    Is patience madnesse? Ile be a mad-man still.
    Wife. Forgiue me, and ile vex your spirit no more.
    Duk. Come, come, weele haue you friends, ioyne hearts, (ioyne hands.
    Cand. See my Lord, we are euen,
    2915Nay rise, for ill-deeds kneele vnto none but heauen.
    Duk. Signior, me thinkes, patience has laid on you
    Such heauy waight, that you should loath it.
    Cand. Loath it.
    K 4 Duke.
    Duk. For he whose brest is tender bloud so coole,
    2920That no wrongs heate it, is a patient foole,
    What comfort do you finde in being so calme.
    Cand. That which greene wounds receiue frō soueraigne (balme,
    Patience my Lord; why tis the soule of peace:
    Of all the vertues tis neerst kin to heauen.
    2925It makes men looke like Gods; the best of men
    That ere wore earth about him, was a sufferer,
    A soft, meeke, patient, humble, tranquill spirit,
    The first true Gentle-man that euer breathd;
    The stock of Patience then cannot be poore,
    2930All it desires, it has; what Monarch more?
    It is the greatest enemy to law
    That can be, for it doth embrace all wrongs,
    And so chaines vp, lawyers and womens tongues.
    Tis the perpetuall prisoners liberty:
    2935His walkes and Orchards: 'tis the bond-slaues freedome,
    And makes him seeme prowd of each yron chaine.
    As tho he wore it more for state then paine:
    It is the beggers Musick, and thus sings,
    Although their bodies beg, their soules are kings:
    2940O my dread liege! It is the sap of blisse,
    Reares vs aloft; makes men and Angels kisse,
    And (last of all) to end a houshould strife,
    It is the hunny gainst a waspish wife.
    Duke. Thou giu'st it liuely coulours: who dare say
    2945he's mad, whose words march in so good aray?
    Twere sinne all women should such husbands haue.
    For euery man must then be his wiues slaue.
    Come therefore you shall teach our court to shine,
    So calme a spirit is worth a golden Mine,
    2950Wiues (with meeke husbands) that to vex them long,
    In Bedlam must they dwell, els dwell they wrong.