The Honest Whore, Part 1 (Modern)

 1224[3.1]
 3.1.0.11225Enter Candido, [Viola] his Wife, George, and two Prentices, in the 1226shop. Fustigo enters, walking by.
 3.1.11227George
 See, gentlemen, what you lack; a fine holland, 1228a fine cambric. See what you buy.
 3.1.212291 Prentice
 Holland for shirts, cambric for bands; what isʼt you lack?
 3.1.31230Fustigo
 [Aside] ʼSfoot, I lack ʼem all; nay more, I lack money to buy 1231ʼem. Let me see, let me look again. Mass, this is the shop! [To Viola] 1232What, coz! Sweet coz! How dost, iʼfaith, since last night 1233after candlelight? We had good sport, iʼfaith, had we not? 1234And when shallʼs laugh again?
 3.1.41235Viola
 When you will, cousin.
 3.1.51236Fustigo
 Spoke like a kind Lacedemonian. I see yonderʼs thy husband.
 3.1.61237Viola
 Ay, thereʼs the sweet youth, God bless him.
 3.1.71238Fustigo
 And how isʼt, cousin? And how, how isʼt, thou squall?
 3.1.81239Viola
 Well, cousin. How fare you?
 3.1.91240Fustigo
 How fare I? Troth, for sixpence a meal, wench, as 1241well as heart can wish, with calvesʼ chawdrons and 1242chitterlings; besides, I have a punk after supper, as good as a roasted apple.
 3.1.101243Candido
 [Approaching] Are you my wifeʼs cousin?
 3.1.111244Fustigo
 I am, sir. What hast thou to do with that?
 3.1.121245Candido
 O, nothing; but youʼre welcome.
 3.1.131246Fustigo
 The devilʼs dung in thy teeth! Iʼll be welcome 1247whether thou wilt or no, I. [To Viola] What ringʼs this, coz? Very pretty 1248and fantastical, iʼfaith. Letʼs see it. 
 3.1.13.1[He tries to remove it.]
 3.1.141249Viola
 Pooh! Nay, you wrench my finger.
 3.1.151250Fustigo
 I haʼ sworn Iʼll haʼt, and I hope you will not let my 1251oaths be cracked in the ring, will you? [He grabs the ring. To Candido] I hope, sir, you are not 1252mallicolly at this, for all your great looks. Are you angry?
 3.1.161253Candido
 Angry? Not I, sir; nay, if she can part
 3.1.171254So easily with her ring, ʼtis with my heart.
 3.1.181255George
 [To Candido] Suffer this, sir, and suffer all. A whoreson gull, to – 
 3.1.191256Candido
 Peace, George. When she has reaped what I have sown,
 3.1.201257Sheʼll say one grain tastes better of her own
 3.1.211258Than whole sheaves gathered from anotherʼs land;
 3.1.221259Witʼs never good till bought at a dear hand.
 3.1.22.1[Fustigo and Viola whisper, and kiss each other behind his back.]
 3.1.231260George
 But in the meantime she makes an ass of somebody.
 3.1.2412612 Prentice
 See, see, see, sir; as you turn your back, they 1262do nothing but kiss.
 1263Candido
 No matter, let ʼem. When I touch her lips,
 3.1.251264I shall not feel his kisses, no, nor miss
 3.1.261265Any of her lips; no harm in kissing is.
 3.1.271266Look to your business; pray make up your wares.
 3.1.281267Fustigo
 [To Viola] Troth, coz, and well remembered. [To Candido] I would thou 1268wouldst give me five yards of lawn, to make my punk 1269some falling bands oʼthe fashion, three falling one upon 1270another ; for thatʼs the new edition now. Sheʼs out of linen 1271horribly, too. Troth, shʼas never a good smock to her back 1272neither but one that has a great many patches inʼt, and that Iʼm 1273fain to wear myself for want of shift, too. Prithee, put me 1274into wholesome napery, and bestow some clean commodities 1275upon us.
 3.1.29Viola
 [To George and the Prentices] Reach me those cambrics and the lawns 1276hither.
 3.1.30Candido
 What to do, wife? To lavish out my goods 1277upon a fool?
 3.1.311278Fustigo
 Fool? ʼSnails, eat the ‘foolʼ, or Iʼll so batter your 1279crown that it shall scarce go for five shillings.
 3.1.3212802 Prentice
 [To Candido] Do you hear, sir? Youʼre best be quiet, and say a fool tells you so.
 3.1.331281Fustigo
 Nails, I think so – [To 2 Prentice] for thou tellst me.
 3.1.341282Candido
 Are you angry, sir, because I named thee fool?
 3.1.351283Trust me, you are not wise, in mine own house
 3.1.361284And to my face to play the antic thus.
 3.1.371285If youʼll needs play the madman, choose a stage
 3.1.381286Of lesser compass, where few eyes may note
 3.1.391287Your actionʼs error. But if still you miss,
 3.1.401288As here you do, for one clap ten will hiss.
 3.1.411289Fustigo
 [To Viola] Zounds, cousin, he talks to me as if I were a 1290scurvy tragedian.
 3.1.41.1[The Prentices and George talk apart.]
 3.1.4212912 Prentice
 Sirrah George, I haʼ thought upon a device how to 1292break his pate, beat him soundly, and ship him away.
 3.1.431293George
 Doʼt.
 3.1.442 Prentice
 Iʼll go in, pass through the house, 1294give some of our fellow prentices the watchword when 1295they shall enter, then come and fetch my master in by a 1296while, and place one in the hall to hold him in conference, 1297whilst we cudgel the gull out of his coxcomb.
 3.1.451298George
 Doʼt. Away, doʼt.
 3.1.461299Viola
 [To them] Must I call twice for these cambrics and lawns?
 3.1.471300Candido
 Nay, see, you anger her, George; prithee, despatch.
 3.1.4813012 Prentice
 Two of the choicest pieces are in the warehouse, sir.
 3.1.491302Candido
 Go fetch them presently.
 3.1.501303Fustigo
 Ay, do, make haste, sirrah.
 3.1.50.1Exit 2 Prentice.
 3.1.511304Candido
 [To Fustigo] Why were you such a stranger all this while, 1305being my wifeʼs cousin?
 3.1.521306Fustigo
 Stranger? No, sir, Iʼm a natural Milaner born.
 3.1.531307Candido
 I perceive still it is your natural guise to mistake 1308me. But you are welcome, sir; I much wish your acquaintance.
 3.1.541309Fustigo
 My acquaintance? I scorn that, iʼfaith. I hope my 1310acquaintance goes in chains of gold three-and-fifty times 1311double. – You know who I mean, coz; the posts of his gate 1312are a-painting, too.
 3.1.54.1Enter 2 Prentice [with pieces of cambric and lawn].
 3.1.5513132 Prentice
 [To Candido] Signor Pandulfo the merchant desires conference 1314with you.
 3.1.56Candido
 Signor Pandulfo? Iʼll be with him straight.
 3.1.571315Attend your mistress and the gentleman. 
 3.1.56.1Exit.
 1316Viola
 [To 2 Prentice] When do you show those pieces?
 3.1.58Fustigo
 Ay, when do you show those pieces?
 3.1.591317George and the Prentices
 Presently, sir, presently; we are but charging them.
 3.1.601318Fustigo
 [To George] Come, sirrah, you flat-cap; where be these whites?
 3.1.611319George
 Flat-cap? [Aside to Fustigo] Hark in your ear, sir: youʼre a flat fool, an 1320ass, a gull, and Iʼll thrum you. Do you see this cambric, sir?
 3.1.621321Fustigo
 [To Viola] ʼSfoot, coz, a good jest! Did you hear him? He told 1322me in my ear I was ‘a flat fool, an ass, a gull, and Iʼll 1323thrum you. Do you see this cambric, sir?ʼ
 3.1.631324Viola
 [At some distance] What, not my men, I hope?
 3.1.641325Fustigo
 No, not your men, but one of your men, iʼfaith.
 3.1.6513261 Prentice
 I pray, sir, come hither. [Indicating a piece of cambric] What say you to this? Hereʼs 1327an excellent good one.
 3.1.661328Fustigo
 Ay, marry, this likes me well; cut me off some half-score yards.
 3.1.6713292 Prentice
 [Aside to him] Let your whores cut. Youʼre an impudent coxcomb; 1330you get none, and yet Iʼll thrum you. [Aloud] A very good 1331cambric, sir.
 3.1.681332Fustigo
 Again, again, as God judge me! ʼSfoot, coz, they 1333stand thrumming here with me all day, and yet I get nothing.
 3.1.6913341 Prentice
 A word, I pray, sir. You must not be angry. Prentices 1335have hot bloods – young fellows. What say you to this 1336piece? Look you, ʼtis so delicate, so soft, so even, so fine a 1337thread that a lady may wear it.
 3.1.701338Fustigo
 ʼSfoot, I think so. If a knight marry my punk, a 1339lady shall wear it. Cut me off twenty yards, thouʼrt an honest lad.
 3.1.7113401 Prentice
 [Aside to him] Not without money, gull, and Iʼll thrum you too.
 3.1.721341George and the Prentices 
 [Aside to him] Gull, weʼll thrum you.
 3.1.731342Fustigo
 O Lord, sister, did you not hear something cry 1343‘thumpʼ? Zounds, your men here make a plain ass of me.
 3.1.741344Viola
 What, to my face so impudent?
 3.1.751345George
 Ay, in a cause so honest; weʼll not suffer
 3.1.761346Our masterʼs goods to vanish moneyless.
 3.1.771347Viola
 Youʼll not suffer them?
 13482 Prentice
 Youʼll not suffer them?  No, and you may blush
 3.1.781349In going about to vex so mild a breast
 3.1.791350As is our masterʼs.
 Viola
 As is our masterʼs.  [To Fustigo] Take away those pieces,
 3.1.801351Cousin; I give them freely.
 3.1.811352Fustigo
 [Taking the pieces] Mass, and Iʼll take ʼem as freely.
 3.1.821353George and the Prentices
 Weʼll make you lay ʼem down again more freely.
 3.1.82.1[Enter fellow Prentices; Fustigo is beaten with clubs.]
 3.1.831354Viola
 Help, help! My brother will be murderèd.
 3.1.83.1Enter Candido.
 3.1.841355Candido
 How now, what coil is here? Forbear, I say.
 3.1.84.1[Peace returns. Exeunt the fellow Prentices.]
 3.1.851356George
 He calls us flat-caps, and abuses us.
 3.1.861357Candido
 Why, sirs? Do such examples flow from me?
 3.1.871358Viola
 They are of your keeping, sir. – Alas, poor brother.
 3.1.881359Fustigo
 Iʼfaith, they haʼ peppered me, sister. Look, doesʼt not 1360spin? Call you these prentices? Iʼll neʼer play at cards more 1361when clubs is trump. I have a goodly coxcomb, sister, have I not?
 3.1.891362Candido
 ‘Sisterʼ and ‘brotherʼ? Brother to my wife?
 3.1.901363Fustigo
 If you have any skill in heraldry, you may soon 1364know that. Break but her pate, and you shall see her blood 1365and mine is all one.
 3.1.911366Candido
 [To 1 Prentice] A surgeon! Run; a surgeon!
 3.1.91.1[Exit 1 Prentice.]
 3.1.92
 [To Fustigo] Why, then, wore you 1367that forged name of cousin?
 3.1.931368Fustigo
 Because itʼs a common thing to call coz and 1369ningle nowadays, all the world over.
 3.1.941370Candido
 ‘Cousinʼ! A name of much deceit, folly, and sin,
 3.1.951371For under that common abusèd word
 3.1.961372Many an honest-tempered citizen
 3.1.971373Is made a monster, and his wife trained out
 3.1.981374To foul adulterous action, full of fraud.
 3.1.991375I may well call that word a cityʼs bawd.
 3.1.1001376Fustigo
 Troth, brother, my sister would needs haʼ made me take 1377upon me to gull your patience a little; but it has made 1378double gules on my coxcomb.
 3.1.1011379Viola
 [To Fustigo] What, playing the woman? Blabbing now, you fool?
 3.1.1021380Candido
 O, my wife did but exercise a jest upon your wit.
 3.1.1031381Fustigo
 ʼSfoot, my wit bleeds forʼt, methinks.
 3.1.1041382Candido
 Then let this warning more of sense afford;
 3.1.1051383The name of ‘cousinʼ is a bloody word.
 3.1.1061384Fustigo
 Iʼll neʼer call coz again whilst I live, to have such 1385a coil about it. This should be a coronation day, for my 1386head runs claret lustily.
 3.1.106.1Exit.
 3.1.1071387Candido
 [To 2 Prentice] Go, wish the surgeon to have great respect.
 3.1.107.1[Exit 2 Prentice.]
 3.1.107.2Enter an Officer.
 3.1.1081388
 [To the Officer] How now, my friend; what, do they sit today?
 3.1.1091389Officer
 Yes, sir, they expect you at the Senate House.
 3.1.1101390Candido
 I thank your pains; Iʼll not be last man there.
 3.1.110.1Exit Officer.
 3.1.1111391
 My gown, George; go, my gown.
 3.1.111.1[Exit George.]
 My gown, George; go, my gown.  A happy land,
 3.1.1121392Where grave men meet, each cause to understand,
 3.1.1131393Whose consciences are not cut out in bribes
 3.1.1141394To gull the poor manʼs right, but in even scales
 3.1.1151395Peize rich and poor, without corruptionʼs vails.
 3.1.115.1[Enter George.]
 3.1.1161396
 [To him] Come, whereʼs the gown?
 George
 [To him] Come, whereʼs the gown?  I cannot find the key, sir.
 3.1.1171397Candido
 Request it of your mistress.
 3.1.1181398Viola
 Come not to me for any key;
 3.1.1191399Iʼll not be troubled to deliver it.
 3.1.1201400Candido
 Good wife, kind wife, it is a needful trouble,
 3.1.1211401But for my gown.
 1402Viola
 But for my gown.  Moths swallow down your gown!
 3.1.1221403You set my teeth on edge with talking onʼt.
 3.1.1231404Candido
 Nay, prithee, sweet, I cannot meet without it;
 3.1.1241405I should have a great fine set on my head.
 3.1.1251406Viola
 Set on your coxcomb! Tush, fine me no fines.
 3.1.1261407Candido
 Believe me, sweet, none greets the Senate House
 3.1.1271408Without his robe of reverence – thatʼs his gown.
 3.1.1281409Viola
 Well, then youʼre like to cross that custom once.
 3.1.1291410You get nor key nor gown; and so depart.
 3.1.1301411[Aside] This trick will vex him sure, and fret his heart. 
 3.1.130.1Exit.
 3.1.1311412Candido
 Stay, let me see; I must have some device.
 3.1.1321413My cloakʼs too short; fie, fie, no cloak will doʼt.
 3.1.1331414It must be something fashioned like a gown,
 3.1.1341415With my arms out. O George, come hither, George;
 3.1.1351416I prithee, lend me thine advice.
 3.1.1361417George
 Truth, sir, were it any but you, they would break open chest.
 3.1.1371418Candido
 O, no! Break open chest? Thatʼs a thiefʼs office.
 3.1.1381419Therein you counsel me against my blood;
 3.1.1391420ʼTwould show impatience, that. Any meek means
 3.1.1401421I would be glad to embrace. Mass, I have got it!
 3.1.1411422Go, step up, fetch me down one of the carpets – 
 3.1.1421423The saddest-coloured carpet, honest George.
 3.1.1431424Cut thou a hole iʼthʼ middle for my neck;
 3.1.1441425Two for mine arms. Nay, prithee, look not strange.
 3.1.1451426George
 I hope you do not think, sir, as you mean.
 3.1.1461427Candido
 Prithee, about it quickly; the hour chides me.
 3.1.1471428Warily, George, softly; take heed of eyes.
 3.1.147.1Exit George.
 3.1.1481429
 Out of two evils, heʼs accounted wise
 3.1.1491430That can pick out the least. The fine imposed
 3.1.1501431For an ungownèd senator is about
 3.1.1511432Forty crusadoes, the carpet not ʼbove four.
 3.1.1521433Thus have I chosen the lesser evil yet,
 3.1.1531434Preserved my patience, foiled her desperate wit.
 3.1.153.1Enter George [with carpet].
 3.1.1541435George
 Here, sir, hereʼs the carpet.
 3.1.1551436Candido
 O, well done, George; weʼll cut it just iʼthʼ midst.
 3.1.155.1[They cut one hole into the carpet for Candidoʼs neck, and two for his arms.]
 3.1.1561437
 ʼTis very well; I thank thee. Help it on.
 3.1.1571438George
 It must come over your head, sir, like a wenchʼs petticoat.
 3.1.1581439Candido
 Thouʼrt in the right, good George; it must indeed.
 3.1.1591440Fetch me a nightcap, for Iʼll gird it close,
 3.1.1601441As if my health were queasy. ʼTwill show well
 3.1.1611442For a rude, careless nightgown; willʼt not, thinkst?
 3.1.1621443George
 Indifferent well, sir, for a nightgown, being girt and pleated.
 3.1.1631444Candido 
 Ay, and a nightcap on my head.
 3.1.1641445George
 Thatʼs true, sir; Iʼll run and fetch one, and a staff. 
 3.1.164.1Exit George.
 3.1.1651446Candido
 For thus they cannot choose but conster it:
 3.1.1661447One that is out of health takes no delight,
 3.1.1671448Wears his apparel without appetite,
 3.1.1681449And puts on heedless raiment without form.
 3.1.168.1Enter George [with nightcap and staff].
 3.1.168.2[Candido puts on the nightcap and takes the staff.]
 3.1.1691450
 So, so, kind George. Be secret now; and, prithee,
 3.1.170Do not laugh 1451at me till Iʼm out of sight.
 3.1.171George
 I laugh? Not I, sir.
 1452Candido
 I laugh? Not I, sir.  Now to the Senate House.
 3.1.1721453Methinks Iʼd rather wear, without a frown,
 3.1.1731454A patient carpet than an angry gown. 
 3.1.173.1Exit.
 3.1.1741455George
 Now looks my master just like one of our carpet-knights; 1456only heʼs somewhat the honester of the two.
 3.1.174.1Enter [Viola], Candidoʼs Wife, [with a key].
 3.1.1751457Viola
 What, is your master gone?
 3.1.1761458George
 Yes, forsooth, his back is but new turned.
 3.1.1771459Viola
 And in his cloak? Did he not vex and swear?
 3.1.1781460George
 [Aside] No, but heʼll make you swear anon.
 3.1.179[To her] No, indeed, 1461he went away like a lamb.
 3.1.1801462Viola
 Key, sink to hell! Still patient, patient still?
 3.1.1811463I am with child to vex him. Prithee, George,
 3.1.1821464If eʼer thou lookst for favour at my hands,
 3.1.1831465Uphold one jest for me.
 George
 Uphold one jest for me.  Against my master?
 3.1.1841466Viola
 ʼTis a mere jest, in faith. Say, wilt thou doʼt?
 3.1.1851467George
 Well, what isʼt?
 3.1.1861468Viola
 Here, take this key. Thou knowst where all things lie.
 3.1.1871469Put on thy masterʼs best apparel – gown,
 3.1.1881470Chain, cap, ruff, everything. Be like himself,
 3.1.1891471And, ʼgainst his coming home, walk in the shop;
 3.1.1901472Feign the same carriage and his patient look.
 3.1.1911473ʼTwill breed but a jest, thou knowst. Speak, wilt thou?
 3.1.1921474George
 ʼTwill wrong my masterʼs patience.
 3.1.1931475Viola
 ʼTwill wrong my masterʼs patience.  Prithee, George.
 3.1.194George
 Well, if youʼll save me 1476harmless, and put me under covert barn, I am content to 1477please you, provided it may breed no wrong against him.
 3.1.1951478Viola
 No wrong at all.
 3.1.195.1[Giving him the key]
 No wrong at all.  Here, take the key; begone.
 3.1.1961479If any vex him, this; if not this, none.
 3.1.196.1Exeunt.
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The Honest Whore, Part 1 (Modern)
