Peer Reviewed
- Edition: An Humorous Day's Mirth
An Humorous Day's Mirth (Modern)
- Introduction
- Texts of this edition
- Facsimiles
1017.1[Scene 8]
8.0.11018Enter Verone with his napkin upon his shoulder, and his 1019man Jaques with another, and his son [Boy] bringing 1020in cloth and napkins.
1022Come on, my masters, shadow these tables with 1023their white veils, accomplish the court-cupboard, wait 1024diligently today for my credit and your own, that if the 1025meat should chance to be raw, yet your behaviours being 1026neither rude nor raw, may excuse it. Or if the meat should 1027chance to be tough, be you tender over them in your 1028attendance, that the one may bear with the other.
Faith, some of them be so hard to please, finding 1030fault with your cheer and discommending your wine, 1031saying they fare better at Valere始s for half the money.
Besides, if there be any chibols in your napkins, 1033they say your nose or ours have dropped on them, and then 1034they throw them about the house.
But these be small faults. You may bear with 1036them. Young gentlemen and wild heads will be doing.
Come, whose wit was it to cover in this room, in the 1039name of God, I trow?
Why, I hope this room is as fair as the other.
In your foolish opinion. You might have told a 1042wise body so and kept yourself a fool still.
I cry you mercy. How bitter you are in your 1044proverbs.
So bitter I am, sir.
8.9.1[Jaquena removes the cloth from the table nearest her]
[Aside] Oh, sweet Jaquena, I dare not say I love thee.
Must you control us, you proud baggage, you?
Baggage? You are a knave to call me baggage.
A knave? My master shall know that.
[Aside] I will not see them.
Master, here is your maid uses herself so saucily1052 that one house shall not hold us two long, God 1053willing.
Come hither, hussy. [Aside to Jaquena] Pardon me, sweet Jaquena. 1055I must make an angry face outwardly, though I smile 1056inwardly.
Say what you will to me, sir.
[Aloud] Oh, you are a fine gossip. Can I not keep honest 1059servants in my house, but you must control them, you 1060must be their mistress?
Why, I did but take up the cloth, because my 1062mistress would have the dinner in another room, and he 1063called me baggage.
You called me knave and fool, I thank you, small 1066bones.
Go to, go to, she were wise enough would talk 1068with you.
Go thy ways for the proudest harlotry that ever 1070came in our house.
8.22.1[Exit Jaquena.]
Let her alone, boy. I have schooled her, I warrant thee. 1072She shall not be my maid long, if I can help it.
No, I think so, sir. But what, shall I take up the 1074cloth?
No, let the cloth lie. Hither they始ll come first, I am sure 1076of it. Then if they will dine in the other room, they shall.
Good morrow, my host. Is nobody come yet?
Your worship is the first, sir.
I was invited by my cousin, Colinet to see your 1081jewels.
I thank his worship and yours.
Here始s a pretty place for an ordinary. I am very 1084sorry I have not used to come to ordinaries.
I hope we shall have your company hereafter.
You are very like to.
Good morrow, my host, good morrow, good 1089Monsieur Rowley.
Good morrow to you, sir.
What, are we two the first? Give始s the cards, here. 1092Come, this gentleman and I will go to cards while dinner 1093be ready.
No, truly, I cannot play at cards.
How! Not play? Oh, for shame, say not so. How can a 1096young gentleman spend his time but in play and in courting 1097his mistress? Come, use this, lest youth take too much of the 1098other.
Faith, I cannot play, and yet I care not so much 1101to venture two or three crowns with you.
Oh, I thought what I should find of you. I pray God 1103I have not met with my match.
No, trust me, sir, I cannot play.
Hark you, my host, have you a pipe of good 1106tobacco?
The best in the town. Boy, dry a leaf.
[Aside] There始s none in the house, sir.
[Aside] Dry a dock leaf.
8.44.1[Boy exits and returns with a pipe.]
My host, do you know Monsieur Blanvel?
Yea, passing well, sir.
Why, he was taken learning tricks at old Lucilla始s 1113house, the muster-mistress of all the smock-tearers in Paris, 1114and both the bawd and the pander were carried to the 1115dungeon.
There was dungeon upon dungeon. But call you her 1117the muster-mistress of all the smock-tearers in Paris?
Yea, for she hath them all trained up afore her.
Good morrow, my host; good morrow, gentlemen all.
Good morrow, Monsieur Blanvel. I am glad of your 1122quick delivery.
Delivery? What, didst thou think I was with child?
Yea, of a dungeon.
Why, how knew you that?
Why, Berger told us.
Berger, who told you of it?
One that I heard, by the Lord.
Oh, excellent. You are still playing the wag.
Good morrow, gentlemen all; good morrow, good 1132Monsieur Rowley.
At your service.
I pray, my lord, look what a pretty falling-band he hath. 1135始Tis pretty fantastical, as I have seen, made with good 1136judgement, great show, and but little cost.
And so it is, I promise you. Who made it, I 1138pray?
I know not, i始faith. I bought it by chance.
It is a very pretty one; make much of it.
Boy, I prithee call for a coarse napkin. [Exit Boy.] Good 1143morrow, gentlemen. I would you had been at the tennis-court: 1144you should have seen me abeat Monsieur Besan, and I 1145gave him fifteen and all his faults.
Thou didst more for him than ever God will do for 1147thee.
Jaques, I prithee fill me a cup of canary, three parts 1149water.
8.67.1[Exit Jaques.]
You shall have all water, an if it please you.
Who called for a coarse napkin?
Marry I, sweetheart. Do you take the pains to 1154bring it yourself? Have at you, by my host始s leave.
8.70.1[He kisses her.]
Away, sir, fie, for shame.
Hark you, my host, you must marry this young 1157wench. You do her mighty wrong else.
Oh, sir, you are a merry man.
8.73.1[Exit Verone and Jaquena.]
Good morrow, gentlemen. You see I am as good as 1161my word.
You are, sir, and I am very glad of it.
You are welcome, Monsieur Foyes. [To Labesha] But you are not, 1164no, not you.
No? Welcome that gentleman, 始tis no matter for me.
How, sir? No matter for you. By this rush, I am angry 1167with you, as if all our loves protested unto you were 1168dissembled. No matter for you?
Nay, sweet Lemot, be not angry. I did but jest, as I am 1170a gentleman.
Yea, but there始s a difference of jesting. You wrong 1172all our affections in so doing.
Faith and troth, I did not, and I hope sirs you take it 1174not so.
‘No matter for me始, 始twas very unkindly said, I must 1176needs say so.
You see how they love me.
I do, sir, and I am very glad of it.
And I hope, Lemot, you are not angry with me still.
No, faith, I am not so very a fool to be angry with 1181one that cares not for me.
Do not I care for you? Nay, then.
8.87.1[He weeps.]
What, dost thou cry?
Nay, I do not cry, but my stomach waters to think 1185that you should take it so heavily. If I do not wish that I 1186were cut into three pieces, and that these pieces were 1187turned into three black puddings, and that these three black 1188puddings were turned into three of the fairest ladies in the 1189land for your sake, I would I were hanged. What a devil can 1190you have more than my poor heart?
Well, hark you, Lemot, in good faith you are to 1192blame to put him to this unkindness. I prithee, be friends 1193with him.
Well, I am content to put up this unkindness for 1195this once. But while you live take heed of ‘no matter for 1196me始.
Why, is it such a heinous word?
Oh, the heinousest word in the world.
Well, I始ll never speak it more, as I am a gentleman.
No, I pray do not.
My lord, will your lordship go to cards?
Yea, with you, Monsieur Foyes.
Lemot, will you play?
Pardon, good Monsieur Rowley. If I had any 1205disposition to gaming your company should draw me before1206any man始s here.
Labesha, what, will you play?
Play, yea, with all my heart. I pray lend me 1209threepence.
I始ll play no more.
Why, have you won or lost?
Faith, I have lost two or three crowns.
Well, to him again, I始ll be your half.
Sirrah Catalian, while they are playing at cards, 1215thou and I will have some excellent sport. [Aside to Catalian] Sirrah, dost thou 1216know that same gentleman there? [Indicating Rowley]
[Aside to Lemot] No, i始faith, what is he?
[Aside to Catalian] A very fine gull and a neat reveller, one that始s heir 1219to a great living, yet his father keeps him so short, that his
1220shirts will scant cover the bottom of his belly, for all his gay 1221outside; but the linings be very foul and sweaty, yea, and 1222perhaps lousy, with despising the vain shifts of the 1223world.
[Aside to Lemot] But he hath gotten good store of money now, 1225methinks.
[Aside to Catalian] Yea, and I wonder of it. Some ancient serving-man 1227of his father始s that hath gotten forty shillings in fifty years 1228upon his great good husbandry, he swearing monstrous 1229oaths to pay him again, and besides to do him a good 1230turn (when God shall hear his prayer for his father) hath 1231lent it him, I warrant you. But, howsoever, we must speak 1232him fair.
[Aside to Lemot] Oh, what else!
[Aloud] God save sweet Monsieur Rowley. What, lose or 1235win, lose or win?
Faith, sir, save myself and lose my money.
There始s a proverb hit dead in the neck like a 1238cony. [Aside to Catalian] Why, hark thee, Catalian; I could have told thee 1239before what he would have said.
[Aside to Lemot] I do not think so.
[Aside to Catalian] No? Thou seest here始s a fine plump of gallants, such 1242as think their wits singular, and their selves rarely 1244accomplished. Yet to show thee how brittle their wits be, I will 1245speak to them severally, and I will tell thee before what 1246they shall answer me.
[Aside to Lemot] That始s excellent, let始s see that, i始faith.
[Aside to Catalian] Whatsoever I say to Monsieur Rowley, he shall 1249say, ‘Oh, sir, you may see an ill weed grows apace始.
[Aside to Lemot] Come, let始s see.
[Aloud] Now, Monsieur Rowley, methinks you are 1252exceedingly grown since your to Paris.
Oh, sir, you may see an ill weed grows apace.
[Aside to Lemot] This is excellent, forward, sir, I pray.
[Aside to Catalian] Whatsoe始er I say to Labesha, he shall answer me, 1256‘Black will bear no other hue始, and that same old Justice, 1257as greedy of a stale proverb, he shall come in the neck 1258of that and say, ‘Black is a pearl in a woman始s eye始.
[Aside to Lemot] Yea, much, i始faith.
[Aside to Catalian] Look thee, here comes hither Labesha. [Aloud] Catalian 1261and I have been talking of thy complexion, and I say that 1262all the fair ladies in France would have been in love with 1263thee, but that thou art so black.
Oh, sir, black will bear no other hue.
Oh, sir, black is a pearl in a woman始s eye.
You say true, sir, you say true, sir. [Aside to Catalian] Sirrah Catalian, 1267whatsoe始er I say to Berger that is so busy at cards, he shall 1268answer me, ‘始Sblood, I do not mean to die as long as I can 1269see one alive始.
[Aside to Lemot] Come, let us see you.
[Aloud] Why, Berger, I thought thou hadst been dead. I 1272have not heard thee chide all this while.
始Sblood, I do not mean to die as long as I can see 1274one alive.
[Aside to Lemot] Why, but hark you, Lemot, I hope you cannot 1276make this lord answer so roundly.
[Aside to Catalian] Oh, as right as any of them all, and he shall 1278answer me with an old Latin proverb, that is, 1279usus promptos facit.
[Aside to Lemot] Once more, let始s see.
[Aloud] My lord, your lordship could not play at this game 1282very lately, and now methinks you are grown 1283exceeding perfect.
Oh, sir, you may see, usus promptos facit.
Monsieur Lemot, here is a gentleman and two 1287gentlewomen do desire to speak with you.
What, are they come? Jaques, convey them into 1289the inward parlour by the inwarde room, and there is a 1290brace of crowns for thy labour,
but let nobody know of 1291their being here.
I warrant you, sir.
8.139.1[Exit Jaques.]
See where they come. Welcome, my good lord and 1294ladies, I始ll come to you presently. [Aside] So, now the sport begins, 1295I shall start the disguised King plaguily. Nay, I shall put 1296the lady that loves me in a monstrous fright when her 1297husband comes and finds her here.
8.140.1[Enter Boy.]
[To Lemot] The gentleman and the two gentlewomen 1299desires your company.
I始ll come to them presently.
8.142.1The Boy speaks in Foyes始s ear.
Gentlemen, I始ll go speak with one, and come to 1302you presently.
8.143.1[Exit Foyes.]
My lord, I would speak a word with your 1304lordship, if it were not for interrupting your game.
No, I have done, Lemot.
My lord, there must a couple of ladies dine with 1307us today.
Ladies? God始s my life, I must be gone.
Why, hark you, my lord, I knew not of 1310their coming, I protest to your lordship, and would 1311you have me turn such fair ladies as these are 1312away?
Yea, but hark you, Lemot, did not you hear 1314me swear to my wife that I would not tarry if there 1315were any women? I wonder you would suffer any to come 1316there.
Why, you swore but by a kiss, and kisses are no 1318holy things, you know that.
Why, but hark you, Lemot, indeed I would be 1320very loath to do anything, that, if my wife should know it, 1321should displease her.
Nay, then you are to obsequious. Hark you, let me 1323entreat you, and I始ll tell you in secret, you shall have no 1324worse company than the King始s.
Why, will the King be there?
Yea, though disguised.
Who are the ladies?
The flowers of Paris, I can tell you: fair countess 1329Florila and the lady Martia.
Monsieur Lemot, the gentleman and the two 1332gentlewomen desire your company.
I始ll come to them straight. But, Jaques, come hither, 1334I prithee. Go to Labesha and tell him that the Countess 1335Florila and the lady Martia be here at thy master始s house, 1336and if it come in question hereafter, deny that thou told 1337him any such thing.
What, is this all? 始Sblood, I始ll deny it and forswear 1339it too.
My lord, I始ll go and see the room be neat 1341and fine, and come to you presently.
Yea, but, hark you, Lemot, I prithee take such 1343order that they be not known of any women in the house.
Oh, how should they? [Aside] Now to his wife go, i始faith!
8.162.1Exit.
Hark you, Monsieur Labesha, I pray let me speak 1346a word with you.
With all my heart. I pray look to my stake, there始s 1348threepence under the candlestick.
I pray, sir, do you know the Countess Florila and 1350the Lady Martia?
Do I know the Lady Martia? I knew her before 1352she was borne. Why do you ask me?
Why, they are both here at my master始s house.
What, is Mistress Martia at an ordinary?
Yea, that she is.
By skies and stones, I始ll go and tell her father.
8.170.1Exit.