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- Edition: An Humorous Day's Mirth
An Humorous Day's Mirth (Modern)
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424.1[Scene 5]
I prithee, Besha, keep a little off.
My Lord, pardonnez-moi, I must not let her talk alone 430with anyone, for her father gave me charge.
Oh, you are a goodly charger for a goose.
A goose! You are a gander to call me goose. I am 433a Christian gentleman as well as you.
Well, sirrah, get you hence, or by my troth I始ll have 435thee taken out in a blanket, tossed from forth our hearing.
In a blanket? What, do you make a puppy of me? By 437skies and stones, I will go and tell your lady.
5.7.1Exit.
Nay, but Besha —
Nay, he will tell, my lord.
Why, how now, my lord. What, thought you I was 442dead, that you are wooing of another thus, or are you laying 443plots to work my death?
Why neither, sweet bird. What need you move 445these questions unto me, whom you know loves you 446above all the women in the world?
How he can flatter now he hath made a fault.
He can do little, an he cannot cog.
Out, you ass.
Well, come tell me what you did entreat.
Nothing, by heaven, sweet bird, I swear, but to 452entreat her love —
But to entreat her love!
Nay, hear me out.
Nay here you are out. You are out too much, 456methinks, and put me in —
And put you in?
In a fair taking, sir, I mean.
Oh, you may see what hasty taking is. You women 460evermore scramble for our words, and never take them 461mannerly from our mouths.
Come, tell me what you did entreat.
I did entreat her love to Colinet.
To Colinet? Oh, he is your dear cousin, and your 465kind heart, i始faith, is never well but when you are doing 466good for every man. Speak, do you love me?
I始faith, sweet bird.
Best of all others?
Best of all others.
That始s my good bird, i始faith.
Oh, mistress, will you love me so?
No, by my troth, will I not.
‘No, by my troth, will I not始? Why, that始s well said. I 474could never get her to flatter me yet.
Good morrow, my good lord, and these passing 477lovely ladies.
So now we shall have all manner of flattering with 479Monsieur Lemot.
You are all manner of ways deceived, madam, for 481I am so far from flattering you, that I do not a whit 482praise you.
Why do you call us passing lovely then?
Because you are passing from your loveliness.
Madam, we shall not have one mot of Monsieur 486Lemot, but it shall be as it were a moat to drown all our 487conceit in admiration.
488Lemot
See what a mote her quick eye can spy in mine, 489before she looks in it.
So mote I thee, thine answer is as good as mought 491be.
Here始s a poor name run out of breath quickly.
Why, Monsieur Lemot, your name is run out of 494breath at every word you speak.
That始s because my name signifies ‘word始.
496Martia
Well hit, Monsieur Verbum.
What, are you good at Latin, lady?
No, sir, but I know what verbum is.
Why, 始tis green bum: vert is green, and you know 500what bum is, I am sure of that.
No, sir, 始tis a verb, and I can decline you.
That you can, I始ll be sworn.
What can I do?
Decline me, or take me a hole lower, as the 505proverb is.
Nay, sir, I mean plain grammatical declination.
Well, let始s hear your scholarship, and decline me.
I will, sir, moto, motas.
Oh excellent! She hath called him ass in Latin.
Well, sir, forward.
Nay, there始s enough to try both our scholarships
Moto, motas. Nay, faith, forward to motavi, or motandi.
Nay, sir, I始ll leave when I am well.
Why, Monsieur Lemot, your name being in word 515general, is in ninny, or in hammer, or in cock, or in buzzard.
Or in wagtail, or in woodcock, or in dotterel, or in 517dizzard.
Or in clot, or in head, or in cow, or in baby.
Or in malkin, or in trash, or in pap, or in lady.
Or, indeed, in everything.
Why, then 始tis in thing.
Then, good Monsieur Thing, there let it rest.
Then, above all things, I must have a word with 524you.
Hands off, sir, she is not for your mowing.
She is for your mocking.
An she mock me, I始ll tell her father.
That始s a good child, thou smellest of the mother, and 529she was a fool, I warrant you.
530Labesha
Meddle with me, but do not meddle with my 531mother.
That始s a good child. [To Martia] Come, I must needs have a 533word with you.
5.73.1[They withdraw.]
You shall do none of your needs with her, sir.
Why, what will you do?
What will I do? You shall see what I始ll do.
5.76.1Then he offereth to draw [his sword].
Go to, you ass! Offer to draw here, and we始ll draw 538thee out of the house by the heels.
What, three against one? Now was ever proper 540hard-favoured gentleman so abused?
5.79541Go to, Mistress Martia, I see you well enough. Are 542you not ashamed to stand talking alone with such a one as 543he?
How, sir? With such a one as I, sir?
Yea, sir, with such a one as you, sir.
Why, what am I?
What are you, sir? Why, I know you well enough.
Sirrah, tell me what you know me for, or else by 549heaven I始ll make thee better thou hadst never known how to 550speak.
Why, sir, if you will needs know, I know you for 552an honourable gentleman and the King始s minion, and were 553it not to you, there始s ne始er a gentleman in Paris should have 554had her out of my hands.
Nay, he始s as tall a gentleman of his hands as any 556is in Paris.
There始s a favour for you, sir.
But I can get no favour for you, sir.
I pray, my lord, entreat for your cousin Colinet.
Alas, man, I dare not for my wife.
Why, my lord, she thinks it is for nothing, but to 562speak for your cousin.
I pray you, bird, give me leave to speak for my 564cousin.
I am content for him.
Then one word with you more, courteous Lady 567Martia.
Not an you were my father!
Gentlemen, for God始s sake thrust this ass out of the 570doors.
5.96.1[Moren moves to Martia.]
Nay, by始rlady, he始ll run home and tell her 572father.
Well, go to her. I warrant he shall not trouble you. [To Labesha] 574Kind gentleman, how we dote on thee. Embrace him, 575gentlemen.
Oh, sweet Besha, how we honour thee.
Nay gentlemen, look what a piercing eye he 578hath.
An eye? I have an eye an it were a pole-cat.
Nay, look what a nose he hath.
My nose is neat crimson.
Nay, look what a handsome man he is. O 583 Nature, Nature,
Truly, truly, gentlemen, I do not deserve this 586kindness.
Oh lord, sir, you are too modest. Come shall we 588walk?
Whither? To the alehouse?
Hark you, madam, have you no more care of the 591right of your husband, than to let him talk thus 592affectionately with another?
Why, he speaks not for himself, but for his cousin 594Colinet.
God始s my life! He tells you so. Nay, an these excuses 596may serve I have done.
By the mass, now I observe him, he looks very 598suspiciously indeed. Ne始er trust me if his lookes and his 599gesture do not plainly show himself to swear, ‘By this 600light, I do love thee始.
By始rlady, madam, you guess shrewdly indeed. 602But hark you, madam, I pray let not me be the author 603of discord between my good lord and you.
No, no, Monsieur Lemot, I were blind if I could 605not see this. I始ll slit her nose, by Jesus.
5.114.1[Starting for Martia.]
How now, what始s the matter?
What始s the matter? If I could come at your mistress, 608she should know what始s the matter.
My mistress?
Yea, your mistress. Oh, here始s fair dissimulation! [To Martia] Oh, ye 611impudent gossip, do I send for you to my house to make 612you my companion, and do you use me thus? Little dost thou 613know what 始tis to love a man truly, for if thou didst, thou 614wouldst be ashamed to wrong me so.
You wrong me, madam, to say I wrong you.
Go to, get you out of my house.
I am gone, madam.
5.121.1[Makes as if to leave.]
Well, come in, sweet bird and I始ll persuade thee 619there始s no harm done.
Well, we shall hear your persuasions.
5.123.1[Exeunt Countess and Moren.]
Well, God knows and I can partly guess what he 622must do to persuade her. Well, take your fair charge, fair 623and manly Lord Monsieur Labesha.
One word with you more, fair lady.
Not a word. No man on pain of death, not a word. 626He comes upon my rapier始s point, that comes within forty 627foot on her.
Thanks, good Lemot, and thanks gentlemen all, 629and her father shall thank you.
5.127.1[Exeunt Labesha and Martia.]
Much good do it you, sir. Come, gentlemen, let始s go 631wait upon the King, and see the humour of the young Lord 632Dowsecer.
Excuse me to the King, and tell him I will meet 635him there.
5.129.1[Exeunt Colinet, Catalian and Blanvel.]
5.130So, this is but the beginning of sport between 636this fine lord and his old lady. But this wench Martia hath 637happy stars reigned at the disposition of her beauty, for 638the King himself doth mightily dote on her. Now to my 639Puritan, and see if I can make up my full proof of her.
5.130.1[Exit.]