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- Edition: An Humorous Day's Mirth
An Humorous Day's Mirth (Modern)
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1689.1[Scene 14]
14.0.11690Enter the Queen, and all that were in before [Lemot, with arm in sling, Foyes, Labervele and the Countess].
This is the house
14.3Draw all your swords, courageous gentlemen.
Who will not break his neck to save his king?
Yea, much good can I do with a wounded arm.
Others shall go, nay, we will raise the streets.
[Aside] 始Sblood, I know not how to excuse my villainy. I 1702would fain be gone.
I始ll geld the adulterous goat, and take from him
[Aside] Oh, rare! This makes my fiction true. Now I始ll stay.
Arrest these faithless traitorous gentlemen.
What is the reason that you call us traitors?
Nay, why do you attempt such violence against 1710the person of the King?
Against the King? Why this is strange to me.
How now, my masters? What? Weapons drawn!
1715Queen
How fares my lord?
How fare I? Well. [To Lemot] But you, i始faith, shall get me speak 1717for you another time. [To company] He got me here to woo a curious
1718lady, and she tempts him. Say what I can, offer what 1719state I will in your behalf, Lemot, she will not yield.
I始faith, my liege, what a hard heart hath she. [Aside to the King] Well, 1721hark you, I am content your wit shall save your honesty 1722for this once.
Because I feared that you were hurt, my 1726lord.
Hurt, how, I pray?
Why, hurt, madam? I am well again.
Do you ask? Why, he told me Dowsecer and this 1730his friend, threatened to take away —
To take away? What should they take away?
Name it, madam.
Nay, I pray, name it you.
Why then, thus it was, my liege. I told her 1735Dowsecer, and this his friend, threatened to take away, an 1736if they could, the instrument of procreation. And what 1737was that now but Martia? Being a fair woman, is 1738not she the instrument of procreation, as all women 1739are?
O wicked man!
Go to, go to, you are one of those fiddles too, i始faith.
Well, pardon my minion that hath frayed you thus.
I joy it ends so well, my gracious lord.
But say, my gracious lord, is no harm done
No, of my honour and my soul, Foyes.
The fire of love which she hath kindled in me
14.43Hath quite expelled —
Come, Dowsecer, receive with your lost wits your 1751love, thought lost. I know you始ll yield, my lord, and you, her 1752father.
Most joyfully, my lord.
And for her part I know her disposition well enough.
What, will you have her?
Yea, marry will I.
I始ll go and tell Labesha presently.
[Aside to Lemot] Monsieur Lemot, I pray let me speak with you. I 1760come to you from the Lord Moren, who would desire you 1761to speak to the King for my master始s lottery, and he hath 1762my place to bear a torch, for bare-faced he dares not look 1763upon his wife, for his life.
[Aside to Jaques] Oh, excellent. I始ll further thy master始s lottery an it be 1765but for this jest only. [Aloud to King] Hark you, my liege, here始s the poor 1766man hath been at great charges for the preparation of a lottery,1767 and he hath made the rarest device that I know you will 1768take great pleasure in it. I pray let him present it before you 1769at Verone始s house.
With all my heart. Can you be ready so soon?
Presently, an if it like your grace.
14.53.1[Exit with Jaques.]
But hark you, Lemot, how shall we do for every 1773man始s posy?
Will you all trust me with the making of them?
With all our hearts.
Why, then, I始ll go to make the posies and bring 1777Labesha to the lottery presently.
14.57.1[Exit.]
Surely the world is full of vanity.
14.61When she is tempted, when the wicked fiend
14.64Nor so pressed down in everyone as me.
14.67The gates of his kind arms, untouched of any.
What, madam, are you so pure now?
Yea, would not you be pure?
1788King
No, Puritan.
You must be then a devil, I can tell you.
Oh, wife, where hast thou been?
Where did I tell you I would be, I pray.
In thy close walk, thou saidst.
1793Florila
And was I not?
Truly, I know not. I neither looked nor knocked, 1795for Labesha told me that you and fair Martia were at 1796Verone始s ordinary.
Labesha? My lord, you are a wise man to believe a fool.
Well, my good head, for my part I forgive you.
14.80There始s no good dealing surely. For as men
She tells you true, my lord.
She doth, my liege. And, dear wife, pardon this,
Why, I say I do.
Look you, my liege, I have done simple service 1810amongst you. Here is one had hanged himself for love, 1811thinking his mistress had done so for him. Well, see, your 1812mistress lives.
And doth my mistress live?
She doth, O noble knight, but not your 1815mistress now.
始Sblood, but she shall for me, or for nobody else.
14.90.1[Drawing his sword]
How now. What, a traitor! Draw upon the King!
Yea, or upon any woman here in a good cause.
Well, sweet Besha, let her marry Dowsecer. I始ll get 1820thee a wife worth fifteen of her. Wilt thou have one that 1821cares not for thee?
Not I, by the Lord, I scorn her. I始ll have her better 1823if I can get her.
Why, that始s well said.
[Aside to Florila] What, madam, are you turned Puritan again?
[Aside to Lemot] When was I other, pray?
[Aside to Florila] Marry, I始ll tell you when: when you went to the 1828ordinary, and when you made false signs to your 1829husband, which I could tell him all.
[Aside to Lemot] Cursed be he that maketh debate 始twixt man and wife.
[Aside to Florila] O rare scripturian! You have sealed up my lips. [Aloud] A 1832hall, a hall! The pageant of the buttery.
14.100.11833Enter two with torches, the one of them Moren, then [Verone] my host 1834and his son [Boy], then his Maid [Jaquena] dressed like Queen 1835Fortune, with two pots in her hands.
What is he?
This is Verone始s son, my liege.
What shall he do?
Speak some speech that his father hath made for him.
Why, is he good at speeches?
Oh, he is rare at speeches.
Fair ladies most tender,
14.108And nobles most slender,
My host, why do you call us ‘nobles most slender始?
An it shall please your Grace, to be slender is to be 1846proper, and therefore where my boy says ‘nobles most 1847slender始, it is as much to say, fine and proper nobles.
Yea, but why do you call us ‘gentles whose wits are 1849scarce始?
To be scarce is to be rare, and therefore, whereas 1851he says ‘gentles whose wits be scarce始, is as much as to say, 1852gentles whose wits be rare.
Well, forwards, truchman.
Fair ladies most tender,
14.116And nobles most slender,
14.119With her trump and her drum,
[To Verone] Come hither. Are you a schoolmaster? Where was 1859Fortune queen, of what country or kingdom?
Why, sir, Fortune was Queen over all the world.
That始s a lie: there始s none that ever conquered all the 1862world, but master Alexander. I am sure of that.
O rare Monsieur Labesha! Who would have thought 1864he could have found so rare a fault in the speech.
I始ll alter it, if it please your grace.
No, 始tis very well.
Father, I must begin again. They interrupt me so.
I beseech your grace, give the boy leave to begin again.
With all my heart. 始Tis so good we cannot hear 1870it too oft.
Fair ladies most tender,
14.131And nobles most slender,
14.134With her fife and her drum,
14.136Here is Fortune good,
14.137But ill by the rood,
14.139Dealing the lots
14.141And so good Fortune to you, sir.
Look you, my liege, how he that carries the torch 1878trembles extremely.
I warrant 始tis with care to carry his torch well.
Nay, there is something else in the wind. Why, my 1881host, what means thy man Jaques to tremble so?
Hold still, thou knave. What, art thou afraid to look 1883upon the goodly presence of a king? Hold up, for shame.
[Aside] Alas, poor man, he thinks 始tis Jaques his man. Poor 1885lord, how much is he bound to suffer for his wife?
Hark you, mine host, what goodly person is that? 1887Is it Fortune herself?
I始ll tell your majesty in secret who it is: it is my 1889maid, Jaquena.
I promise you she becomes her state rarely.
Well, my liege, you were all content that I should 1892make your posies. Well, here they be, every one. Give 1893Master Verone his five crowns.
There始s mine and the Queen始s.
There始s ours.
And there is mine and Martia始s.
Come, Labesha, thy money.
You must lend me some, for my boy is run away 1899with my purse.
Thy boy? I never knew any that thou hadst.
Had not I a boy three or four years ago, and he 1902ran away?
And never since he went thou hadst not a penny? 1904But stand by, I始ll excuse you. But, sirrah Catalian, thou shalt 1905stand on one side and read the prizes, and I will stand on 1906the other and read the posies.
Content, Lemot.
Come on, Queen Fortune, tell every man his 1909posy. This is orderly, the King and Queen are first.
Come, let us see what goodly posies you have 1911given us.
This is your majesty始s: ‘At the fairest, so it be not 1913Martia始.
A plague upon you, you are still playing the 1915villain始s with me.
This is the Queen始s: ‘Obey the Queen始, an she 1917speaks it to her husband, or to Fortune, which she will.
A prize. Your majesty始s is the sum of four 1919shillings in gold.
Why, how can that be? There is no such coin.
[Offering gold] Here is the worth of it, if it please your Grace.
Well, what始s for me?
A heart of gold.
A goodly jewel.
Count Labervele and Florila.
What始s my posy, sir, I pray?
Marry, this, my Lord:
A very good one, sir. I thank you for it.
What始s mine I pray?
Marry this, madam:
Who bit your finger, wife?
Nobody, 始tis vain posy.
Blank for my Lord Labervele; for his wife a posy, 1938a pair of holy beads with a crucifix.
O bomination idol! I始ll none of them.
Keep them thyself, Verone, she will not have them.
Dowsecer and Martia. I have fitted your lordship 1942for a posy.
Why, what is it?
Ante omnia una.
And what is mine, sir?
A serious one, I warrant you: ‘Change for the better始.
That始s not amiss.
A prize! Dowsecer hath a caduceus, or Mercury始s rod 1949of gold, set with jacinths and emeralds.
What is for Martia?
Martia hath the two serpents始 heads set with 1952diamonds.
What my host Verone?
What, is he in for his own jewels?
Oh, what else, my liege. 始Tis our bounty, and his posy is:
What, Queen Fortune with child! Shall we have 1959young fortunes, my host?
I am abused, an if it please your majesty.
I始ll play no more.
No, faith, you need not now, you have played your 1963bellyful already.
Stand still, good Jaquena, they do but jest.
14.205.1[Enter Jaques.]
Come, great Queen Fortune, let see your posies. [To the Countess] 1967What, madam, alas, your ladyship is one of the last.
What is my posy, sir, I pray?
Marry, madam, your posy is made in manner and 1970form of an echo, as if you were seeking your husband, 1971and Fortune should be the echo, and this you say: ‘Where is 1972my husband hid so long unmasked?始 ‘Masked始, says the echo. 1973‘But in what place, sweet Fortune? Let me hear始. ‘Here始, says 1974the echo.
There you lie, echo, for if he were here we must 1976needs see him.
Indeed, sweet King, there methinks the echo 1978must needs lie. If he were here, we must needs see him. 1979始Tis one of them that carries the torches. No, that cannot be 1980neither, and yet, by the mass, here始s Jaques. Why, my host, did 1981not you tell me that Jaques should be a torchbearer? Who 1982is this? [Revealing Moren] God始s my life, my lord!
[Trying to leave] An you be gentlemen, let me go.
Nay, come your way, you may be well enough 1985ashamed to show your face that is a perjured wretch. Did 1986not you swear, if there were any wenches at the ordinary, 1987you would straight come home?
Why, who told you, madam, there were any 1989there?
He that will stand to it: Lemot, my liege.
Who? I stand to it? Alas, I told you in kindness 1992and good will, because I would not have you company 1993long from your husband.
Why, lo you, bird, how much you are deceived.
Why, wherefore were you afraid to be seen?
Who? I afraid? Alas, I bore a torch to grace this 1997honourable presence. For nothing else, sweet bird.
Thanks, good Moren. See, lady, with what wrong
14.223And overjoys more my senses at the night.
14.227Home to my court, where with feasts we will crown
14.228.1[Exeunt.]