Digital Renaissance Editions

Authors: Thomas Dekker, Thomas Middleton
Editor: Joost Daalder
Peer Reviewed

The Honest Whore, Part 1 (Modern)

160.1[1.2]
Enter Fustigo in some fantastic sea-suit at one door; a Porter meets him at another.
Fustigo
How now, porter, will she come?
Porter
If I may trust a woman, sir, she will come.
165Fustigo
[Giving money] There始s for thy pains. God-a-mercy, if I ever stand in need of a wench that will come with a wet finger, thou shalt earn my money before any clarissimo in Milan. Yet, so God sa始 me, she始s mine own sister, body and soul, as I am a Christian gentleman. Farewell. I始ll ponder till she come. Thou 170hast been no bawd in fetching this woman, I assure thee.
Porter
No matter if I had, sir; better men than porters are bawds.
Fustigo
O God, sir, many that have borne offices. But, porter, art sure thou wentst into a true house?
175Porter
I think so, for I met with no thieves.
Fustigo
Nay, but art sure it was my sister Viola?
Porter
I am sure by all superscriptions it was the party you ciphered.
Fustigo
Not very tall.
Porter
Not very low; a middling woman.
180Fustigo
始Twas she, faith, 始twas she. A pretty plump cheek like mine?
Porter
At a blush, a little; very much like you.
Fustigo
Godso, I would not for a ducat she had kicked up her heels, for I ha始 spent an abomination this voyage; marry, I did it amongst sailors and gentlemen. [Giving more money] There始s a little modicum 185more, porter, for making thee stay. Farewell, honest porter.
Porter
I am in your debt, sir. God preserve you.
Fustigo
Not so neither, good porter.
Exit [Porter].
Enter Viola, [Candido始s Wife].
God始s lid, yonder she comes. – Sister Viola, I am glad to see you stirring. It始s news to have me 190here, is始t not, sister?
Viola
Yes, trust me. I wondered who should be so bold to send for me. You are welcome to Milan, brother.
Fustigo
Troth, sister, I heard you were married to a very rich chuff, and I was very sorry for it that I had no better clothes, 195and that made me send; for you know we Millaners love to strut upon Spanish leather. Ant how does all our friends?
Viola
Very well. You ha始 travelled enough now, I trow, to sow your wild oats.
Fustigo
A pox on 始em! Wild oats? I ha始 not an oat to throw 200at a horse. Troth, sister, I ha始 sowed my oats, and reaped two hundred ducats if I had 始em here. Marry, I must entreat you to lend me some thirty or forty till the ship come. By this hand, I始ll discharge at my day, by this hand.
Viola
These are your old oaths.
205Fustigo
Why, sister, do you think I始ll forswear my hand?
Viola
Well, well, you shall have them. Put yourself into better fashion, because I must employ you in a serious matter.
Fustigo
I始ll sweat like a horse if I like the matter.
Viola
You ha始 cast off all your old swaggering humours?
210Fustigo
I had not sailed a league in that great fishpond, the sea, but I cast up my very gall.
Viola
I am the more sorry, for I must employ a true swaggerer.
Fustigo
Nay, by this iron [Indicating his sword], sister, they shall find I am powder 215and touch-box, if they put fire once into me.
Viola
Then lend me your ears.
Fustigo
Mine ears are yours, dear sister.
Viola
I am married to a man that has wealth enough, and wit enough.
220Fustigo
A linen-draper, I was told, sister.
Viola
Very true, a grave citizen. I want nothing that a wife can wish from a husband. But here始s the spite: he has not all things belonging to a man.
Fustigo
God始s my life, he始s a very mandrake, or else, God bless 225us, one o始these whiblins, and that始s worse, and then all the children that he gets lawfully of your body, sister, are bastards by a statute.
Viola
O, you run over me too fast, brother! I have heard it often said that he who cannot be angry is no man. I am sure 230my husband is a man in print for all things else save only in this: no tempest can move him.
Fustigo
始Slid, would he had been at sea with us. He should ha始 been moved and moved again, for I始ll be sworn, la, our drunken ship reeled like a Dutchman.
235Viola
No loss of goods can increase him a wrinkle, no crabbed language make his countenance sour, the stubbornness of no servant shake him. He has no more gall in him than a dove, no more sting than an ant. Musician will he never be, yet I find much music in him; but he loves no frets, and is 240so free from anger that many times I am ready to bite off my tongue, because it wants that virtue which all women始s tongues have, to anger their husbands. Brother, mine can by no thunder turn him into a sharpness.
Fustigo
Belike his blood, sister, is well brewed, then.
245Viola
I protest to thee, Fustigo, I love him most affectionately, but I know not – I ha始 such a tickling within me, such a strange longing; nay, verily, I do long.
Fustigo
Then you始re with child, sister, by all signs and 250tokens; nay, I am partly a physician, and partly something else. I ha始 read Albertus Magnus, and Aristotle始s Emblems.
Viola
You始re wide o始th始 bow-hand still, brother. My longings are not wanton, but wayward: I long to have my patient 255husband eat up a whole porcupine to the intent the bristling quills may stick about his lips like a Flemish mustachio and be shot at me. I shall be leaner than the new moon unless I can make him horn-mad.
Fustigo
始Sfoot, half a quarter of an hour does that: make him 260a cuckold.
Viola
Pooh! He would count such a cut no unkindness.
Fustigo
The honester citizen he. Then make him drunk, and cut off his beard.
Viola
Fie, fie, idle, idle! He始s no Frenchman, to fret at the 265loss of a little scald hair. No, brother, thus it shall be – you must be secret.
Fustigo
As your midwife, I protest, sister, or a barber-surgeon.
Viola
Repair to the Tortoise here in Saint Christopher始s Street. I will send you money; turn yourself into a brave man. Instead 270of the arms of your mistress, let your sword and your military scarf hang about your neck.
Fustigo
I must have a great horseman始s French feather too, sister.
Viola
O, by any means, to show your light head; else your 275hat will sit like a coxcomb. To be brief, you must be in all points a most terrible, wide-mouthed swaggerer.
Fustigo
Nay, for swaggering points let me alone.
Viola
Resort then to our shop, and, in my husband始s presence, kiss me, snatch rings, jewels, or anything, so you give it back 280again, brother, in secret.
Fustigo
By this hand, sister.
Viola
Swear as if you came but new from knighting.
Fustigo
Nay, I始ll swear after four hundred a year.
285Viola
Swagger worse than a lieutenant among fresh-water soldiers; call me your love, your ingle, your cousin, or so – but ‘sister始 at no hand.
Fustigo
No, no, it shall be ‘cousin始, or rather ‘coz始 – that始s the gulling word between the citizens始 wives and their madcaps 290that man 始em to the garden. To call you one o始my naunts, sister, were as good as call you arrant whore. No, no, let me alone to ‘cousin始 you rarely.
Viola
H始as heard I have a brother, but never saw him; therefore put on a good face.
295Fustigo
The best in Milan, I warrant.
Viola
Take up wares, but pay nothing. Rifle my bosom, my pocket, my purse, the boxes for money to dice withal. But, brother, you must give all back again, in secret.
Fustigo
By this welkin that here roars, I will, or else 300let me never know what a secret is. Why, sister, do you think I始ll cony-catch you, when you are my cousin? God始s my life, then I were a stark ass. If I fret not his guts, beg me for a fool.
Viola
Be circumspect and do so, then. Farewell.
305Fustigo
The Tortoise, sister? I始ll stay there. – Forty ducats.
Viola
Thither I始ll send.
Exit [Fustigo].
This law can none deny:
Women must have their longings, or they die.
Exit.