The Honest Whore, Part 1 (Modern)

 1480[3.2]
 3.2.0.11481Enter a Bawd [Mistress Fingerlock], and Roger.
 3.2.11482Fingerlock
 O Roger, Roger, whereʼs your mistress, whereʼs your 1483mistress? Thereʼs the finest, neatest gentleman at my house, 1484but newly come over. O, where is she, where 1485is she?
 3.2.21486Roger
 My mistress is abroad, but not amongst ʼem. My 1487mistress is not the whore now that you take her for.
 3.2.31488Fingerlock
 How? Is she not a whore? Do you go about to take 1489away her good name, Roger? You are a fine pander indeed!
 3.2.41490Roger
 I tell you, Madonna Fingerlock, I am not sad for 1491nothing. I haʼ not eaten one good meal this three-and-1492thirty days. I had wont to get sixteen pence by fetching a 1493pottle of hippocras, but now those days are past. We had 1494as good doings, Madonna Fingerlock, she within doors and 1495I without, as any poor young couple in Milan.
 3.2.51496Fingerlock
 Godʼs my life, and is she changed now?
 3.2.61497Roger
 I haʼ lost by her squeamishness more than would 1498have builded twelve bawdy-houses.
 3.2.71499Fingerlock
 And had she no time to turn honest but now? What a vile 1500woman is this! Twenty pound a night, Iʼll be sworn, Roger, 1501in good gold and no silver. Why, here was a time! If she 1502should haʼ picked out a time, it could not be better. Gold 1503enough stirring, choice of men, choice of hair, choice of 1504beards, choice of legs, and choice of every, every, every 1505thing. It cannot sink into my head that she should be such 1506an ass. Roger, I never believe it.
 3.2.81507Roger
 Here she comes now.
 3.2.8.1Enter Bellafront.
 3.2.91508Fingerlock
 O sweet madonna, on with your loose gown, your 1509felt and your feather! Thereʼs the sweetest, propʼrest, gallantest 1510gentleman at my house. He smells all of musk and 1511ambergris, his pocket full of crowns, flame-coloured doublet, 1512red satin hose, carnation silk stockings, and a leg and a 1513body – O!
 3.2.101514Bellafront
 Hence, thou our sexʼs monster, poisonous bawd,
 3.2.111515Lustʼs factor, and damnationʼs orator!
 3.2.121516Gossip of hell! Were all the harlotsʼ sins
 3.2.131517Which the whole world contains numbered together,
 3.2.141518Thine far exceeds them all. Of all the creatures
 3.2.151519That ever were created, thou art basest;
 3.2.161520What serpent would beguile thee of thy office?
 3.2.171521It is detestable, for thou livʼst
 3.2.181522Upon the dregs of harlots, guardst the door,
 3.2.191523Whilst couples go to dancing. O coarse devil!
 3.2.201524Thou art the bastardʼs curse, thou brandst his birth;
 3.2.211525The lecherʼs French disease, for thou dry-suckst him;
 3.2.221526The harlotʼs poison; and thine own confusion.
 3.2.231527Fingerlock
 Marry come up, with a pox! Have you nobody to 1528rail against but your bawd now?
 3.2.241529Bellafront
 [To Roger] And you, knave pander, kinsman to a bawd – 
 3.2.251530Roger
 [To Fingerlock] You and I, madonna, are cousins.
 3.2.261531Bellafront
 Of the same blood and making, near allied;
 3.2.271532Thou, that slave to sixpence, base-metalled villain – 
 3.2.281533Roger
 Sixpence? Nay, thatʼs not so; I never took under two 1534shillings four-pence. I hope I know my fee.
 3.2.291535Bellafront
 I know not against which most to inveigh,
 3.2.301536For both of you are damned so equally.
 3.2.311537[To Roger] Thou never sparʼst for oaths, swearst anything,
 3.2.321538As if thy soul were made of shoe-leather:
 3.2.331539‘God damn me, gentleman, if she be withinʼ – 
 3.2.341540When in the next room sheʼs found dallying.
 3.2.351541Roger
 If it be my vocation to swear, every man in his 1542vocation; I hope my betters swear and damn themselves, and 1543why should not I?
 3.2.36Bellafront
 Roger, you cheat kind gentlemen!
 3.2.371544Roger
 The more gulls they.
 3.2.381545Bellafront
 Slave, I cashier thee.
 3.2.391546Fingerlock
 An you do cashier him, he shall be entertained.
 3.2.401547Roger
 Shall I? [To Bellafront] Then blurt oʼyour service.
 3.2.411548Bellafront
 [To Fingerlock] As hell would have it, entertained by you!
 3.2.421549I dare the devil himself to match those two. 
 3.2.42.1Exit.
 3.2.431550Fingerlock
 Marry gup, are you grown so holy, so pure, so 1551honest, with a pox?
 3.2.441552Roger
 Scurvy honest punk! But stay, madonna, how must 1553our agreement be now? For, you know, I am to have all the 1554comings-in at the hall door, and you at the chamber door.
 3.2.451555Fingerlock
 True, Roger, except my vails.
 3.2.46Roger
 Vails? What vails?
 3.2.471556Fingerlock
 Why, as thus: if a couple come in a coach and ʼlight to 1557lie down a little, then, Roger, thatʼs my fee, and you may walk 1558abroad; for the coachman himself is their pander.
 3.2.481559Roger
 Is ʼa so? In truth, I have almost forgot, for want of 1560exercise. But how if I fetch this citizenʼs wife to that gull, and 1561that madonna to that gallant? How then?
 3.2.491562Fingerlock
 Why then, Roger, you are to have sixpence a lane – 1563so many lanes, so many sixpences.
 3.2.501564Roger
 Isʼt so? Then I see we two shall agree and live together.
 3.2.511565Fingerlock
 Ay, Roger, so long as there be any taverns and 1566bawdy-houses in Milan.
 3.2.51.1Exeunt.
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The Honest Whore, Part 1 (Modern)
