Signor Pioratto, Signor Fluello, shallʼs be merry? Shallʼs 426play the wags now?

Ay, anything that may beget the child of laughter.

Truth, I have a pretty sportive conceit new crept into 429my brain will move excellent mirth.

Letʼs haʼt, letʼs haʼt; and where shall the scene of mirth lie?

At Signor Candidoʼs house, the patient man – nay, the 432monstrous patient man. They say his blood is immovable, that 433he has taken all patience from a man, and all constancy from 434a woman.

That makes so many whores nowadays.

Ay, and so many knaves too.

Well, sir.

To conclude, the report goes heʼs so mild, so 439affable, so suffering, that nothing indeed can move him. Now, do 440but think what sport it will be to make this fellow, the mirror 441of patience, as angry, as vexed, and as mad as an English 442cuckold.

O, ʼtwere admirable mirth, that! But how willʼt be done, 444signor?

Let me alone; I have a trick, a conceit, a thing, a 446device will sting him, iʼfaith, if he have but a thimbleful of blood 447inʼs belly, or a spleen not so big as a tavern-token.

Thou stir him? Thou move him? Thou anger him? 449Alas, I know his approved temper. Thou vex him? Why, he 450has a patience above manʼs injuries. Thou mayst sooner raise a 451spleen in an angel than rough humour in him. Why, Iʼll give 452you instance for it. This wonderfully tempered Signor Candido 453upon a time invited home to his house certain Neapolitan 454lords of curious taste and no mean palates, conjuring his wife, 455of all loves, to prepare cheer fitting for such honourable 456trencher-men. She – just of a womanʼs nature, covetous to try the 457uttermost of vexation, and thinking at last to get the start of 458his humour – willingly neglected the preparation, and became 459unfurnished not only of dainty but of ordinary dishes. He, 460according to the mildness of his breast, entertained the lords 461and with courtly discourse beguiled the time, as much as a 462citizen might do. To conclude, they were hungry lords, for 463there came no meat in; their stomachs were plainly gulled 464and their teeth deluded, and, if anger could have seized a man, 465there was matter enough, iʼfaith, to vex any citizen in the 466world, if he were not too much made a fool by his wife.

Ay, Iʼll swear forʼt. ʼSfoot, had it been my case, I should 468haʼ played mad tricks with my wife and family. First, I would 469haʼ spitted the men, stewed the maids, and baked the mistress, 470and so served them in.

[To Castruccio] Why, ʼtwould haʼ tempted any blood but his;

1.4.15472And thou to vex him? Thou to anger him

1.4.16473With some poor shallow jest?

ʼSblood, Signor Pioratto, you that disparage my 475conceit, Iʼll wage a hundred ducats upon the head onʼt that it 476moves him, frets him, and galls him.

Done, ʼtis a lay. Join golls onʼt. – Witness, Signor Fluello.

Witness; ʼtis done. [They shake hands on it.]

1.4.20479Come, follow me. The house is not far off.

1.4.21480Iʼll thrust him from his humour, vex his breast,

1.4.22481And win a hundred ducats by one jest.