Englishmen For My Money (Quarto 1, 1616)
Scene 1
1 Enter PISARO.
Pisaro.
HOw smuge this gray-eyde Morning seemes to bee,
A pleasant sight; but yet more pleasure haue I
5To thinke vpon this moy stning Southwe st Winde,
That driues my laden Shippes from fertile Spaine:
But come what will, no Winde can come ami s s e,
For two and thirty Windes that rules the Seas,
And blowes about this ayerie Region;
10Thirtie two Shippes haue I to equall them:
Whose wealthy fraughts doe make Pisaro rich:
Thus euery Soyle to mee is naturall:
Indeed by birth, I am a Portingale,
Who driuen by We sterne winds on Engli sh shore,
15Heere liking of the soyle, I maried,
And haue Three Daughters: But impartiall Death
Long since, depriude mee of her deare st life:
Since whose discease, in London I haue dwelt:
And by the sweete loude trade of Vsurie,
20Letting for Intere st, and on Morgages,
Doe I waxe rich, though many Gentlemen
By my extortion comes to miserie:
Among st the re st, three Engli sh Gentlemen,
Haue pawnde to mee their Liuings and their Lands:
25Each seuerall hoping, though their hopes are vaine,
By mariage of my Daughters, to po s s e s s e
Their Patrimonies and their Landes againe:
But Gold is sweete, and they deceiue them-selues;
For though I guild my Temples with a smile,
30It is but Iudas-like, to work their endes.
But soft, What noyse of footing doe I heare?
Enter Laurentia, Marina, Mathea, and Anthony.
Laur. Now Mai ster, what intend you to read to vs?
Anth. Pisaro your Father would haue me read morall Phi- (losophy.
35 Mari. What's that?
Anth. Fir st tell mee how you like it?
Math. Fir st tell vs what it is.
Pisa. They be my Daughters and their Schoole-mai ster.
Pisaro, not a word, but li st their talke.
40 Anth. Gentlewomen, to paint Philosophy,
Is to present youth with so sowre a di sh,
As their abhorring stomackes nill dige stes.
When fir st my mother Oxford (Englands) pride)
Fo stred mee puple-like, with her rich store,
45My study was to read Philosophy:
But since, my head- strong youths vnbridled will,
Scorning the leaden fetters of re straint,
Hath prunde my feahers to a higher pitch.
Gentlewoman, Morall Philosophy is a kind of art,
50The mo st contrary to your tender sexes;
It teacheth to be graue: and on that brow,
Where Beawtie in her rare st glory shines,
Plants the sad semblance of decayed age:
Those Weedes that with their riches should adorne,
55And grace faire Natures curious workman ship,
Mu st be conuerted to a blacke fac'd vayle,
Griefes liuerie, and Sorrowes semblance:
Your food mu st be your hearts aboundant sighes,
Steep'd in the brini sh licquor of your teares:
60Day-light as darke-night, darke-night spent in prayer:
Thoughts your companions, and repentant mindes,
The recreation of your tired spirits:
Gentlewomen, if you can like this mode stie,
Then will I read to you Philosophy
65 Laur. Not I.
Mari. Fie upon it.
Math. Hang vp Philosophy, Ile none of it.
Pisar. A Tutor said I, a Tutor for the Diuell.
Anth. No Gentlewomen, Anthony hath learn'd
70To read a Lector of more plea sing worth.
Marina, read these lines, young Haruie sent them,
There euery line repugnes Philosophy:
Then loue him, for he hates the thing thou hates.
Laurentia, this is thine from Ferdinande:
75Thinke euery golden circle that thou see st,
The rich vnualued circle of his worthe.
Mathea, with these Gloues thy Ned salutes thee;
As often as these, hide these from the Sunne,
And Wanton steales a ki s s e from thy faire hand,
80Presents his seruiceable true harts zeale,
Which waites vpon the censure of thy doome:
What though their Lands be morgag'd to your Father;
Yet may your Dowries redeeme that debt:
Thinke they are Gentlemen, and thinke they loue;
85And be that thought, their true loues aduocate.
Say you should wed for Wealth; for to that scope
Your Fathers greedy dispo sition tendes,
The world would say, that you were had for Wealth,
And so faire Beawties honour quite distinct:
90A ma s s e of Wealth being powrde vpon another,
Little augments the shew, although the summe;
But beeing lightly scattred by it selfe,
It doubles what it seem'd, although but one:
Euen so your selues, for wedded to the Rich,
95His stile was as it was, a Rich man still:
But wedding these, to wed true Loue, is dutie:
You make them rich in Wealth, but more in Beawtie:
I need not plead that smile, that smile shhewes hearts con- (sent;
That ki s s e shew'd loue, that on that gift was lent:
100And la st thine Eyes, that teares of true joy sendes,
As comfortable tidings for my friends.
Mari. Haue done, haue done; what need' st thou more (procure,
When long ere this I stoop'd to that faire lure:
Thy euer louing Haruie I delight it:
105 Marina euer louing shall requite it young.
Teach vs Philosophy? Ile be no Nunne;
Age scornes Delight, I loue it being:
There's not a word of this, not a words part,
But shall be stamp'd, seal'd, printed on my heart;
110On this Ile read, on this my senses ply:
All Arts being vaine, but this Philosophy.
Laur. Why was I made a Mayde, but for a Man?
And why Laurentia, but for Ferdinand?
The cha ste st Soule these Angels could intice?
115Much more himselfe, an Angell of more price:
wer't thy selfe present, as my heart could wi sh,
Such vsage thou should st haue, as I giue this.
Anth. Then you would ki s s e him?
Laur. If I did, how then?
120 Anth. Nay I say nothing to it, but Amen.
Pisa. The Clarke mu st haue his fees, Ile pay you them.
Math. Good God, how abiect is this single life,
Ile not abide it; Father, Friends, nor Kin,
Shall once di s s uade me from affectting:
125A man's a man; and Ned is more then one:
Yfayth Ile haue thee Ned, or Ile haue none;
Doe what they can, chafe, chide, or storme their fill,
Mathea is resolu'd to haue her will.
Pisa. I can no longer hold my patience.
130Impudent villanie, and lasciuious Girles,
I haue ore-heard your vild conuer sions:
You scorne Philosophy: You'le be no Nunne.
You mu st needes ki s s e the Pur s s e, because he sent it.
And you forsooth, you flurgill, minion,
135A brat scant folded in the dozens at mo st,
Youle haue your will forsooth; What will you haue?
Math. But twelue yeare old? nay Father that's not so,
Our Sexton told mee I was three yeares mo.
Pisa. I say but twelue: you'r be st tell mee I lye.
140What sirra Anthony. Anth. Heere sir.
Pisa. Come here sir, & you light huswiues get you in: Exeunt si sters.
Stare not upon me, moue me not to ire:
Nay sirra stay you here, Ile talke with you:
Did I retaine thee (villaine) in my house,
145Gaue thee a stipend twenty Markes by yeare,
And ha st thou thus infected my three Girles,
Vrging the loue of those, I mo st abhord;
Vnthrifts, Beggers; what is worse.
And all because they are your Country-men?
150 Anth. Why sir, I taught them not to keepe a Marchants
Booke, or ca st accompt: yet to a word much like that
word Accounte.
Pisa. A Knaue pa st grace, is pa st recouerie.
Why sirra Frisco, Villaine, Loggerhead, where art thou?
155 Enter Frisco, the Clowne.
Frisc. Heere's a calling indeed; a man were better to
liue a Lords life and doe nothing, then a Seruing creature,
and neuer be idle. Oh Mai ster, what a me s s e of Brewe s s e
standes now vpon the poynt of spoyling by your ha sti-
160ne s s e; why they were able to haue got a good Stomacke
with child euen with the sight of them; and for a Vapour,
oh precious Vapour, let but a Wench come neere them
with a Painted face, and you should see the Paint drop and
curdle on her Cheekes, like a peece of dry E s s ex Cheese
165toa sted at the fire.
Pisa. Well sirra, leaue this thought, & minde my words,
Giue diligence, inquire about
For one that is expert in Languages,
A good Mu sitian, and a French-man borne:
170And bring him hither to in struct my Daughters,
Ile neere tru st more a smooth-fac'd Engli sh -man.
Frisc. What, mu st I bring one that can speake Langua-
ges? what an old A s s e is my Mai ster; why he may speake
flaunte taunte as well as French, for I cannot vnder stand him.
175 Pisa. If he speake French, thus he will say, Awee awee:
What, can st thou remember it?
Frisc. Oh, I haue it now, for I remember my great
Grandfathers Grandmothers si sters coosen told mee, that
Pigges and French-men, speake one Language, awee awee;I
180am Dogg at this: But what mu st he speake else?
Pisa. Dutch Frisc. Let's heere it?
Pisa. Haunce butterkin slowpin.
Fris . Oh this is nothing, for I can speake perfect Dutch
when I li st.
185 Pisa. Can you, I pray let's heare some?
Frisc. Nay I mu st haue my mouth full of Meate fir st,
and then you shall heare me grumble it foorth full mouth,
as Haunce Butterkin slowpin frokin: No, I am a simple Dutch -
wan: Well, Ile about it.
190 Pisa. Stay sirra, you are too ha stie; for hee mu st speake
one Language more.
Frisc. More Languages? I tru st he shall haue Tongues
enough for one mouth: But what is the third?
Pisa. Italian.
195 Fris . Why that is the ea sie st of all, for I can tell whether
he haue any Italian in him euen by looking on him.
Pisa. Can you so, as how?
Fris . Marry by these three Poynts: a Wanton Eye,
Pride in his Apparell, and the Diuell in his Countenance.
200Well, God keepe me from the Diuel in seeking this French -
man: But doe you heare mee Mai ster, what shall my fel-
low Anthony doe, it seemes he shall serue for nothing but to
put Lattin into my young Mi s s tre s s es. Exit Frisco.
Pisa. Hence a s s e, hence loggerhead, begon I say.
205And now to you that reades Philosophy,
Packe from my house, I doe discharge thy seruice,
And come not neere my dores; for if thou do st,
Ile make thee a publicke example to the world.
Antho. Well crafty Fox, you that worke by wit,
210It may be, I may liue to fit you yet. Exit Antho.
Pisa. Ah sirra, this tricke was spide in time,
For if but two such Lectures more they'd heard,
For euer had their hone st names been marde:
Ile in and rate them: yet that's not be st,
215The Girles are wilfull, and seueritie
May make them carele s s e, mad, or desperate.
What shall I doe? Oh! I haue found it now,
There are three wealthy Marchants in the Towne,
All Strangers, and my very speciall friendes,
220The one of them is an Italian:
A French-man, and a Dutch-man, be the other:
These three intyrely doe affect my Daughters,
And therefore meane I, they shall haue the tongues,
That they may answere in their seuerall Language:
225But what helps that? they mu st not stay so long,
For whiles they are a learning Languages,
My Engli sh Youths, both wed, and bed them too:
Which to preuent, Ile seeke the Strangers out,
Let's looke: tis pa st aleauen, Exchange time full,
230There shall I meete them, and conferre with them,
This worke craues ha st, my Daughters mu st be Wedde,
For one Months stay, sayth farrewell Mayden head.
Exit.

Englishmen For My Money (Quarto 1, 1616)