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  • Title: An Humorous Day's Mirth (Quarto 1, 1599)
  • Editor: Eleanor Lowe
  • Coordinating editor: Brett Greatley-Hirsch
  • General textual editor: Helen Ostovich

    • ISBN: 978-1-55058-513-1

    Copyright Digital Renaissance Editions. This text may be freely used for educational, non-profit purposes; for all other uses contact the Editor.
    Author: George Chapman
    Editor: Eleanor Lowe
    Peer Reviewed

    An Humorous Day's Mirth (Quarto 1, 1599)

    0.01A pleasant Comedy
    entituled:
    An Humerous dayes
    Myrth.
    0.05As it hath beene sundrie times publikely acted by
    the right honourable the Earle of Not-
    tingham Lord high Admirall
    his seruants.
    By G.C.
    0.10AT LONDON
    Printed by Ualentine Syms:
    1599.
    A pleasant Comedie entituled
    An humorous dayes mirth.
    1Enter the count Laberuele in his shirt and night gowne, with
    two iewells in his hand.
    Laberuele.
    YEt hath the morning sprinckled throwt the clowdes,
    5But halfe her tincture and the soyle of night stickes stil
    vpon the bosome of the ayre: yet sleepe doth rest my
    loue for Natures debt, and through her windowe, and this
    dim twee-light, her maide, nor any waking I can see. This
    is the holy Greene my wifes close walke, to which not a-
    10ny but her selfe alone hath any key, onelye that I haue
    clapt her key in waxe, and made this counterfeite, to the
    which I steale accesse, to work this rare & politike deuice:
    Faire is my wife and yong and delicate, although too re-
    ligious in the purest sorte, but pure religion being but
    15mental stuffe and sence indeed, al for it selfe, is to be doub-
    ted, that when an obiect comes fit to her humour she wil
    intercept religious letters sent vnto her minde, and yeelde
    vnto the motion of her bloud, heere haue I brought then
    two rich agots for her, grauen with two poses of mine own
    20deuising, for Poets Ile not trust, nor friends, nor any: shee
    longs to haue a child, which yet alas I cannot get, Yet long
    as much as she, and not to make her desperate, thus I write
    in this faire iewell though it simple be, yet tis mine owne
    that meaneth well in nought, tis spare, not of children, loue
    A 2
    An humerous
    25with the longest, when man is at the weakest, god is at strō-
    gest, I hope tis plain, & knowing in this other that I write,
    God will reward her a thousand fold, that takes what age
    can and not what age would, I hope tis prety & pathetical:
    Wel, euen here lie both together til my loue arise and let her
    30thinke you fall out of the skies, I wil to bed againe. Exit.
    Enter Lemot and Colenet.
    Lemot. How like thou this morning Colenet? What,
    shall we haue a faire day?
    Colenet. The skie hangs full of humour, and I thinke
    35we shall haue raine.
    Lem. Why raine is faire wether when the ground is dry
    and barren, especially when it raines humor, for then doe
    men like hot sparrowes and pigeons open all their wings
    ready to receiue them.
    40Col. Why then we may chaunce to haue a faire day, for
    we shall spend it with so humorous acquaintance, as raines
    nothing but humor al their life time.
    Le. True Colenet, ouer which wil I sit like an old King
    in an old fashion play, hauing his wife, his counsel, his chil-
    45dren, and his foole about him, to whome he will sit and
    point very learnedly as foloweth; my counsell graue, and
    you my noble peeres, my tender wife, and you my chil-
    dren deare, and thou my foole.
    Co, Not meaning me sir I hope.
    50Le. No sir, but thus will I sit, as it were, and point out
    all my humorous companions.
    Co. You shal do maruelous wel sir.
    Le. I thanke you for your good incouragement, but
    Colinet thou shalt see Catalian bring me hither an od gen-
    55tleman presently to be acquainted withall, who in his man-
    ner of taking acquaintance wil make vs excellent sport.
    Co. Why Lemot I thinke thou sendst about of purpose
    for yong gallants to be acquainted withal, to make thy selfe
    merry in the maner of taking acquaintance.
    Le. By
    dayes mirth.
    60Le. By heauen I do Colenet, for there is no better sport
    then to obserue the complement, for thats their word, com-
    plement, do you marke sir?
    Co. Yea sir, but what humor hath this gallant in his ma-
    ner of taking acquaintance?
    65Le. Marry thus sir, he will speake the very selfe same
    word, to a sillable after him of whome he takes acquain-
    tance, as if I should say,
    I am marueilous glad of your acquaintance, He will reply,
    I am meruailous glad of your acquaintance,
    70I haue heard much good of your rare parts & fine cariage,
    I haue heard much good of your rare parts & fine cariage,
    so long as the complements of a gentleman last, he is your
    complete ape.
    Co. Why this is excellent.
    75Le. Nay sirra heres the iest of it, when hee is past this
    gratulation, he wil retire himself to a chimny, or a wal stan-
    ding folding his armes thus: and go you and speake to him
    so farre as the roome you are in wil afford you, you shal ne-
    uer get him from that most gentlemanlike set, or behauior.
    80Co. This makes his humor perfit, I would he would
    come once.
    Enter Catalian and Blanuel.
    Le. See where he comes, now must I say, Lupus est in
    fabula, for these latine ends are part of a gentleman and a
    85good scholler.
    Catalian. O good morrow Monseur Lemot, here is the
    gentleman you desired so much to be acquainted withal.
    Le. He is marueilous welcome, I shall be exceeding
    prowd of your acquaintance.
    90Blan. I shal be exceeding prowd of your acquaintance.
    Le. I haue heard much good of your rare parts and fine
    cariages.
    Blan. I haue heard much good of your rare parts and
    fine cariages.
    95Le. I shall be glad to be commanded by you.
    A 3 Blan. I
    An humorous
    Blan. I shall be glad to be commanded by you.
    Le. I pray do not you say so.
    Blan. I pray do not you say so.
    Le. Well Gentlemen, this day let's consecrate to mirth,
    100and Colenet you know no man better, that you are mightily
    in loue with loue, by Martia daughter to old Foyes.
    Co. I confesse it here are none but friends.
    Le. Wel then, go to her this morning in Countesse Mo-
    ris name, and so perhaps you may get her company, thogh
    105the olde churle bee so iealous that he will suffer no man to
    come at her, but the vaine gull Labesha for his liuing sake,
    and he as yet she will not be acquainted withall.
    Co. Well this Ile do whatsoeuer come on it.
    Le. Why nothing but good wil come of it, nere doubt
    110it man.
    Cata. Hee hath taken vp his stand, talke a little further
    and see and you can remoue him.
    Le. I wil Cat. nowe Monsieur Blanuele marke I pray.
    Blan. I do sir very well I warrant you.
    115Le. You know the old Count Laberuele, hath a passing
    faire yong Lady, that is a passing foule Puritane.
    Blan. I know her very well sir, she goes more like a
    milke maide then a Countesse, for all her youth and beau-
    tie.
    120Lemot. True sir, yet of her is the old Count so iealous
    that he will suffer no man to come at her, yet I will find a
    meanes, that two of vs will haue accesse to her tho, be-
    fore his face, which shal so heate his ielous humor til he be
    start mad: but Colenet go you first to louely Martia, for tis
    125too soone for the old Lord and his faire yong Lady to rise.
    Co. Adue Monseur Blanuel.
    Blan. Adue good Monsieur Colinet. Exit Col.
    Le. Monseur Blanuel your kindnes in this wil bind me
    much to you.
    130Bla. Monseur Lemot your kindnes in this will bind me
    much to you.
    Le. I
    dayes mirth.
    Le. I pray you do not say so sir.
    Blan. I pray you do not say so sir,
    Le. Wilt please you to go in.
    135Blan. Wilt please you to go in.
    Le. I will follow you.
    Blan. I will follow you.
    Le. It shall be yours.
    Blan. It shall be yours.
    140Le. Kind Monsieur Blanuel.
    Blan. Kind Monsier Lemot.Exit.
    Enter Foyes, and Martia, and Besha.
    Foyes. Come on faire daughter fall to your worke of
    mind, and make your body fit to imbrace the body of this
    145Gentlemans, tis art: happy are they say I.
    Be. I protest sir you speake the best that euer I heard.
    Fo. I pray sir take acquaintance of my daughter.
    Be. I do desire you of more acquaintance.
    Fo. Why dostnot thou say yea, and I the same of you?
    150Mar. That euery body sayes.
    Fo. O you would be singular.
    Mar. Single indeede.
    Fo. Single indeede thats a prety toy,
    Your betters dame beare double, and so shall you.
    155Be. Exceeding prety, did you marke it forsooth?
    Mar. What should I marke forsooth?
    Be. Your bearing double, which equificate is & hath
    a fit illusion to a horse that beares double, for your good
    father meanes you shall indure your single life no longer,
    160not in worse sence then bearing double forsooth.
    Mar. I crie you mercy, you know both belike.
    Be. Knowlege forsooth is like a horse, and you that can
    beare double: it nourisheth both Bee and Spider, the Bee
    honnisuckle, the Spider poyson, I am that Bee.
    165Mar. I thought so by your stinging witte.
    Be, Lady I am a Bee without a sting, no way hurting
    any, but good to all, and before all, to your sweete selfe.
    Fo. Afore
    An humerous
    Fo. Afore God daughter, thou art not worthy to heare
    him speake: but who comes here?Enter Colinet.
    170Co. God saue you sir.
    Fo. You are welcome sir for ought that I know yet.
    Co. I hope I shall be so still sir.
    Fo. What is your busines sir, and then Ile tell you?
    Co. Mary thus sir, the Countesse Morene intreats your
    175faire daughter to beare her company this fore-noone.
    Fo. This forenoone sir, doth my Lord or Lady send for
    her I pray?
    Co. My Lady I assure you.
    Fo. My Lady you assure me, very wel sir, yet that house
    180is full of gallant Gentlemen, dangerous thornes to pricke
    yong maides I can tell you.
    Co. There are none but honest and honourable Gen-
    tlemen.
    Fo. Al is one sir for that, Ile trust my daughter with any
    185man, but no man with my daughter, only your selfe Mon-
    ser Besha, whom I wil intreat to be her gardian, & to bring
    her home againe.
    Co. I will waite vpon her, and it please you.
    Fo No sir, your weight vpō her wil not be so good: here
    190Monser Besha I deliuer my daughter vnto you a perfect
    maide, and so I pray you looke well vnto her.
    Co. Farewell Monser Foyes.
    Besh. I warrant Ile looke vnto her wel enough.
    Mistris will it please you to preambulate.
    195Ma. With all my heart.Exeunt.
    Enter the puritane.
    Florila What haue I done? put on too many clothes, the
    day is hote, and I am hoter clad then might suffice health,
    my conscience telles me that I haue offended, and Ile put
    200them off, that will aske time that might be better spent, one
    sin will draw another quickly so, see how the diuell tempts:
    but whats here? iewels? how should these come here?
    Enter Laberuele.
    La. Good
    dayes mirth.
    Lab. Good morrow louely wife, what hast thou there?
    205Flo. Iewels my Lord which here I strangely found.
    Lab. Thats strange indeede, what, where none comes
    but when your selfe is here? surely the heauens haue rained
    thee iewels for thy holy life, and vsing thy olde husbande
    louingly, or else doe Fairies haunt this holy greene, as euer-
    210more mine auncesters haue thought.
    Flo. Fairies were but in times of ignorance, not since the
    true pure light hath beene reuealed, and that they come
    from heauen I scarce beleeue: for iewels are vaine things,
    more gold is giuen for such fantastical and fruitlesse iewels,
    215and therfore heauen I know wil not maintain the vse of va-
    nitie, surely I feare I haue much sinned to stoupe and take
    them vp, bowing my bodie to an idle worke, the strength
    that I haue had to this verie deed might haue beene vsed to
    take a poore soule vp in the hie way.
    220Lab. You are too curious wife, behold your iewels: what
    me thinks therEs poises written on thē, dispaire not of chil-
    Then shee
    reades.
    dren, loue with the longest, whē man is at the weakest, god
    is at the strongest; wonderfull rare and wittie, nay diuine,
    why this is heauenly cōfort for thee wife, what is this other?
    225God will reward her a thousand folde that takes what age
    can, and not what age would, the best that euer I heard, no
    mortall braine I thinke did euer vtter such conceit for good
    plaine matter, and for honest rime.
    Flo. Vaine Poetry, I pray you burne them sir.
    230La. You are to blame wife, heauen hath sent you them to
    decke your self withall, like to your self, not to go thus like a
    milk-maid, why there is difference in all estats by al religiō.
    Flo. There is no difference.
    Lab. I prethee wife be of another mind, and weare these
    235iewels and a veluet hood.
    Flo A veluet hood, O vaine diuelish deuise! a toy made
    with a superfluous flap, which being cut off my head, were
    still as warme. Diogenes did cast away his dish, because his
    hand will serue to help him drinke, surely these heathens
    B shall
    An humerous
    240shall rise vp against vs.
    Lab. Sure wife I thinke thy keeping alwaies close,
    making thee melancholy, is the cause we haue no children,
    and therefore if thou wilt, be mery, and keepe companie a
    gods name.
    245Flo. Sure my lord, if I thought I shold be rid of this same
    banishment of barrennes, and vse our marriage to the end
    it was made, which was for procreation, I should sinne, if
    by my keeping house I should neglect the lawful means to
    be a fruitful mother, & therfore if it please you ile vse resort
    250Lab. Gods my passion what haue I done? who woulde
    haue thought her purenesle would yeeld so soone to cour-
    ses of temptations? nay harke you wife, I am not sure that
    going abroad will cause fruitfulnesse in you, that you know
    none knowes but God himselfe.
    255Flo. I know my lord tis true, but the lawfull means must
    still be vsed.
    Lab. Yea, the lawfull meanes indeed must still, but now I
    remember that lawfull meanes is not abroad.
    Flo. Well, well, Ile keepe the house still.
    260Lab. Nay, heark you lady, I would not haue you thinke,
    mary, I must tel you this, if you shuld change the maner of
    your life, the world would think you changed religion too.
    Flo. Tis true, I will not go.
    Lab. Nay, if you haue a fancie.
    265Flo Yea a fancie, but thats no matter.
    La. Indeed fancies are not for iudicial & religious womē.
    Enter Catalian like a scholer.
    Cat. God saue your lordship, & you most religious lady.
    Lab. Sir you may say God saue vs well indeed that thus
    270are thrust vpon in priuate walkes.
    Cat, A slender thrust sir, where I toucht you not.
    Lab. Well sir what is your busines?
    Cat. Why sir, I haue a message to my ladie from Mon-
    sier du Barto.
    275Lab. To your lady, wel sir, speake your mind to your lady.
    Flo.
    dayes mirth.
    Flo. You are very welcome sir, and I pray how doth he.
    Cat. In health Madam, thanks be to God, commending
    his dutie to your ladiship, & hath sent you a message which
    I would desire your honour to heare in priuate.
    280Flo. My ladiship, and my honor, they be words which I
    must haue you leaue, they be ydle woordes, and you shal
    answere for them truly: my dutye to you, or I desire you,
    were a great deale better, then, my ladiship, or my honour.
    Cat. I thanke you for your christian admonition.
    285Flo. Nay thanke God for me: Come I will heare your
    message with all my heart, and you are very welcome sir.
    Lab. With all my heart, and you are very welcome sir, and
    go and talke with a yong lustie fellow able to make a mans
    haire stand vpright on his head, what puritie is there in this
    290trow you? ha, what wench of the facultie could haue beene
    more forward? Well sir, I will know your message, you sir,
    you sir, what sayes the holy man sir, come tell true, for by
    heauen or hell I will haue it out.
    Cat. Why you shall sir, if you be so desirous.
    295Lab. Nay sir, I am more then so desirous: come sir, study
    not for a new deuice now.
    Cat. Not I my lord, this is both new and old, I am a scho-
    ler, and being spiritually inclined by your ladies most godly
    life, I am to professe the ministerie, & to become her chap-
    300laine, to which end monsier du Barte hath commended me.
    Lab. Her chaplaine in the diuels name, fit to be vickar
    of hell.
    Flo. My good head, what are you afraid of? he comes with
    a godly & neighborly sute: what think you his words or his
    305looks can tempt me? haue you so litle faith? if euery word he
    spake were a serpent, as suttle as that which tempted Eue, he
    cannot tempt me I warrant you.
    La. Wel answered for him lady by my faith: wel hark you
    Ile keepe your chaplaines place yonder for a while, and at
    Enter
    Lemot.
    310length put in one my self: what more yet? Gods my passion
    whom do I see, the very imp of desolation, the miniō of our
    B 2 Kings
    An humorous
    King, whome no man sees to enter his house but hee
    lookes vp, his wife, his children, and his maides, for
    where hee goes hee carries his house vppon his head like a
    315snaile: now sir I hope your busines is to me.
    Lem. No sir, I must craue a word with my ladie.
    La. These words are intollerable, & she shal hear no more
    Lem. She must heare me speake.
    Lab. Must she sir, haue you brought the kings warrant
    320for it?
    Le. I haue brought that which is aboue Kings.
    Lab. Why euery man for her sake is a puritan. The Di-
    uill I thinke wil shortly turne Puritan, or the Puritan wil
    turne Diuell.
    325Flo. What haue you brought sir?
    Lem. Mary this Madam, you know we ought to proue
    one anothers constancie, and I am come in all chast and
    honourable sort to proue your constancie.
    Flo. You are verie welcome sir, and I will abide your
    330proofe: it is my dutie to abide your proofe.
    Lab. You'le bide his proofe, it is your dutie to bide his
    proofe, how the diuell will you bide his proofe?
    Flo. My good head, no other wise then before your face
    in all honorable and religious sort, I tell you I am constant
    335to you, and he comes to trie whether I be so or no, which I
    must indure, begin your proofe sir.
    Le. Nay Madam, not in your husbands hearing, thogh in
    his sight for there is no woman wil shewe shee is tempted
    from her constancie, though she be a little: withdraw your
    340selfe sweete ladie.
    Lab. Well I will see though I do not heare, women may
    be courted without offence, so they resist the Cortier.
    Lem. Deare and most beautifull ladie, of al the sweet ho-
    nest and honorable meanes to proue the puritie of a ladies
    345constancy, kisses are the strongest, I will therefore be bold
    to begin my proofe with a kisse.
    Flo. No sir, no kissing.
    Lem.
    dayes mirth.
    Lem. No kissing Madam? how shall I proue you thē suf-
    ficiently, not vsing the most sufficient proofe to flatter your
    350selfe by affection of spirit, when it is not perfitly tried, is sin.
    Flo, You say well sir, that which is truth is truth.
    Le. Then do you wel Lady and yeeld to the truth.
    Flo. By your leaue sir, my husband sees, peraduenture
    it may breed an offence to him.
    355Lem. How can it breed an offence to your husband to
    see your constancie perfectly tried.
    Flo. You are an odde man I see, but first I pray tel me
    how kissing is the best proofe of chast Ladies.
    Lem. To giue you a reason for that, you must giue me
    360leaue to be obscure and Philosophicall.
    Flo. I pray you be, I loue Philosophie well.
    Lem. Then thus Madam, euery kisse is made as the
    voice is by imagination and appetite, and as both those are
    presented to the eare in the voyce, so are they to the silent
    365spirites in our kisses.
    Flo. To what spirit meane you?
    Lem. To the spirites of our bloud.
    Flo. What if it doe?
    Lem. Why then my imagination, and mine appetite
    370working vpon your eares in my voyce, and vpon your spi-
    rites in my kisses, pearcing therein the most deeply, they
    giue the stronger assault against your constancie.
    Flo. Why then to say, proue my constancy, is as much
    as to say, kisse me.
    375Lem. most true, rare Ladie.
    Flo. Then prooue my constancie.
    Lem. Beleeue me Madam, you gather exceeding witti-
    ly vpon it.
    Lab. O my forehead, my very heart akes at a blowe,
    380what dost thou meane wife? thou wilt loose thy fame, dis-
    credite thy religion, and dishonour me for euer.
    Flo. Away sir, I wil abide no more of your proofe, nor
    endure any more of your triall.
    B 3 Lem.
    An humerous
    Lem. O she dares not, she dares not; I am as glad I haue
    385tride your puritie as may be: you the most constant Lady
    in France? I know an hundred Ladies in this towne that
    wil dance, reuill all night amongst gallants, and in the mor-
    ning goe to bed to her husband as cleere a woman as if she
    were new christned, kisse him, imbrace him, and say, no,
    390no husband, thou art the man, and he takes her for the wo-
    man.
    Flo. And all this can I doe.
    La. Take heede of it wife.
    Flo. Feare not my good heade, I warrant you for
    395him.
    Lem. Nay Madam, triumph not before the victorie,
    howe can you conquer that, against which you neuer
    striue, or striue against that which neuer incounters you
    To liue idle in this walke, to inioy this companie, to weare
    400this habite, and haue no more delights then those will af-
    foorde you, is to make vertue an idle huswife, and to hide
    herselfe slouthfull cobwebbes that still should be ado-
    rned with actions of victorie: no Madam, if you wil vnwor-
    thilly prooue your constancie to your husband, you must
    405put on rich apparrell, fare daintily, heare musique, reade
    Sonetes be continually courted, kisse, daunce, feast, reuell
    all night amongst gallants, then if you come to bed to
    your husband with a cleere minde, and a cleere body, then
    are your vertues ipsissima; then haue you passed the ful test
    410of experiment, and you shall haue an hundred gallants
    fight thus farre in bloud for the defence of your reputati-
    on.
    Lab. O vanitie of vanities!
    Flo. O husband this is perfect tryall indeede.
    415La. And you wil try all this now, wil you not?
    Flo Yea my good head, for it is written, we must passe
    to perfection through al temptation, Abacuke the fourth.
    Lab. Abacucke, cucke me no cuckes, in a doores I
    saye, theeues, Puritanes, murderers, in a doores I
    say.
    dayes mirth.
    420say.Exit.
    Le. So now is he start mad yfaith: but sirra, as this is an
    old Lorde iealous of his yong wife, so is antient Countesse
    Moren iealous of her yong husband, weele thither to haue
    some sport yfaith.Exit.
    425Enter Besha hanging vpon Martia sleeue, and the Lord Moren
    comes to them.
    Mar. I prethee Besha keepe a little off; hang not vpon
    her shoulders thus for shame.
    Be. My Lord, Pardon a moy, I must not let her talk alone
    430with any one, for her father gaue me charge.
    Mar. O you are a goodly charger for a Goose.
    Be. A Goose, you are a Gander to call me Goose, I am
    a christian Gentleman as well as you.
    Mar. Well sirra get you hence, or by my troth Ile haue
    435thee taken out in a blanket, tossed from forth our hearing.
    Be. In a blanket? what do you make a puppie of me, by
    skies and stones I will go and tell your Lady.Exit.
    Mor. Nay but Besha.
    Mar. Nay he will tell my Lorde.
    440Enter the Countesse Moren and Besha.
    Co. Why how now my Lord, what thought you I was
    dead, that you are wooing of another thus, or are you laying
    plots to worke my death?
    Mor. Why neither sweete bird, what need you moue
    445these questions vnto me, whome you know loues you a-
    boue all the women in the world?
    Co. How he can flatter now he hath made a fault.
    Besh, He can do little, and he cannot cogge.
    Mor. Out you asse.
    450Co. Wel, come tell me what you did intreat.
    Mor. Nothing by heauen sweete bird I sweare, but to
    intreat her loue.
    Co. But
    An humorous
    Co. But to intreat her loue.
    Mor. Nay heare me out.
    455Co. Nay here you are out, you are out too much me
    thinkes, and put me in.
    Mor. And put you in?
    Co. In a faire taking sir I meane.
    Mor. O you may see what hastie taking is, you women
    460euer more scramble for our woordes, and neuer take them
    mannerly from our mouths.
    Con. Come tell me what you did intreat.
    Mor. I did intreat her loue to Colinet.
    Con. To Colinet? O he is your deare cousen, and your
    465kinde heart yfaith is neuer well but when you are doing
    good for euery man: speake, do you loue me?
    Mor. Yfaith sweete bird.
    Con. Best of all others.
    Mor. Best of all others?
    470Con. Thats my good bird yfaith.
    Besh. O mistris, will you loue me so?
    Mor. No by my troth will I not.
    Besh. No by my troth will I not? Why thats well said I
    could neuer get her to flatter me yet.
    475Enter Lemot,Blanuel, and Catalian, and Colinet.
    Le. Good morrow my good Lord, and these passing
    louely Ladies.
    Cat. So now we shall haue all maner of flattering with
    Monsieur Lemot.
    480Le. You are all manner of waies deceiued Madam, for
    I am so farre from flattering you, that I do not a whit
    praise you.
    Con. Why do you call vs passing louely then?
    Lem. Because you are passing from your louelines.
    485Mar. Madam we shall not haue one mot of Monsieur
    Lemot, but it shal be as it were a mote to drown al our con-
    ceit in admiration.
    Le. See what a mote her quick eye can spie in mine, be-
    fore
    dayes mirth.
    fore she lookes in it.
    490Mar. So mote I thee, thine answer is as good as mought
    be.
    Le. Heres a poore name run out of breath quickly.
    Co. Why Monsieur Lemot, your name is runne out of
    breath at euery word you speake.
    495Le. Thats because my name signifies word.
    Mar. Wel hit, Monsieur verbum.
    Le. What are you good at latine Lady?
    Mar. No sir, but I know what verbum is.
    Le. Why tis greenebum, ver is greene, and you know
    500what bum is, I am sure of that.
    Mar. No sir, tis a verbe, and I can decline you.
    Lem. That you can Ile be sworne.
    Mar. What can I do?
    Le. Decline me, or take me a hole lower, as the pro-
    505uerbe is.
    Mar. Nay sir, I meane plaine Gramatical declination
    Le. Well, let's heare your schollership, and decline me.
    Mar. I will sir, moto, motas.
    Besha. O excellent! she hath cald him asse in latine.
    510Le. Well sir, forward.
    Mar. Nay theres enough to trie both our scholerships
    Le. Moto, motas, nay faith forward to motaui, or motandi.
    Mar. Nay sir, Ile leaue when I am well.
    Co. Why Monsieur Lemot, your name being in word
    515general, is in nini, or in hammer, or in cock, or in buzzard.
    Le. Or in wagtaile, or in woodcocke, or in dotteril, or in
    dizard.
    Ma. Or in clotte, or in head, or in cow, or in baby.
    Le. Or in maukin, or in trash, or in pape, or in Lady.
    520Co. Or in deed in euery thing.
    Le. Why then tis in Thing.
    Ma. Then good Monsier Thing, there let it rest.
    Le. Then aboue all things I must haue a woorde with
    you.
    C Be. Hands
    An humerous
    525Be. Hands off sir, she is not for your mowing.
    Le. She is for your mocking.
    Be. And she mocke me, Ile tell her father.
    Le. Thats a good child, thou smellest of the mother, and
    she was a foole I warrant you.
    530Be. Meddle with me, but doe not meddle with my
    mother.
    Le. Thats a good child, come, I must needes haue a
    word with you.
    Be. You shall do none of your needs with her sir.
    535Cata. Why what will you do?
    Be. What will I doe? you shall see what Ile do.
    Then he of-
    fereth to
    draw.
    Blan. Go to you asse, offer to draw here, and weele draw
    thee out of the house by the heeles.
    Be. What, three against one? now was euer proper hard
    540fauord Gentleman so abused?
    Go to Mistris Martia, I see you well enough, are
    you not ashamed to stand talking alone with such a one as
    hee?
    Le. How sir? with such a one as I sir?
    545Be. Yea sir, with such a one as you sir.
    Le. Why, what am I?
    Be. What are you sir? why I know you well enough.
    Le. Sirra tel me, what you know me for, or else by hea-
    uen Ile make thee better thou hadst neuer knowne how to
    550speake.
    Be. Why sir, if you wil needes know, I know you for
    an honorable gentleman and the Kings minion, and were
    it not to you, theres nere a gentleman in Paris should haue
    had her out of my hands.
    555Ma. Nay, hees as tall a Gentleman of his hands as any
    is in Paris.
    Col. Theres a fauour for you sir.
    Le. But I can get no fauour for you sir.
    Blan. I pray my Lord intreat for your cossen Colinet.
    560Mo. Alas man, I dare not for my wife.
    Cat. Why
    dayes mirth.
    Cat. Why my Lord she thinkes it is for nothing, but to
    speake for your cosen.
    Mo. I pray you birde, giue me leaue to speake for my
    cosen.
    565Co. I am content for him.
    Mo. Then one woorde with you more, curteous ladie
    Martia.
    Be. Not, and you were my father.
    Mo. Gentlemen, for God sake thrust this asse out of the
    570doores.
    Lem. Nay, birladye he le runne home and tell her fa-
    ther.
    Ca. Well, go to her, I warrant he shall not trouble you
    (kind gentleman) how we dote on thee: imbrace him gen-
    575tlemen.
    Blan. O sweete Besha how we honour thee.
    Co. Nay Gentlemen, looke what a pearcing eye hee
    hath.
    Be. An eie? I haue an eie and it were a pole-cat.
    580Ca. Nay, looke what a nose he hath.
    Be. My nose is nete crimson.
    Blan. Nay, looke what a handsome man he is, O
    Nature, Nature, thou neuer madest man of so pure a fea-
    ture.
    585Be. Truly truly Gentlemen, I do not deserue this kind-
    nesse.
    Ca. O Lorde sir, you are too modest, come shall we
    walke?
    Be. Whither? to the alehouse?
    590Le Hearke you Madam, haue you no more care of the
    right of your husband, then to let him talke thus affectio-
    nately with another?
    Coun. Why he speakes not for himselfe, but for his cosen
    Colinet.
    Enter
    Lemot.
    595Le. Gods my life? he telles you so, nay and these excuses
    may serue I haue done.
    C 2 Co. By
    An humorous
    Con. By the masse now I obserue him, he lookes very
    suspitiously indeede, nere trust me if his lookes, and his ie-
    sture doe not plainely shewe himselfe to sweare, by this
    600light I do loue thee.
    Lem. Burlady Madam you gesse shrewdly indeede,
    but hearke you Madam, I pray let not me be the author
    of discord betweene my good Lord and you.
    Con. No no Monsieur Lemot, I were blinde if I could
    605not see this, ile slit her nose by Iesus
    Me. How now whats the matter?
    Co. Whats the matter? if I could come at your Mistris,
    she should know whats the matter.
    Mo. My Mistris?
    610Co. Yea your Mistris, O heres faire dissimulation, O ye
    impudent gossip, do I send for you to my house to make
    you my cōpanion, and do you vse me thus? little dost thou
    know what tis to loue a man truly, for if thou didst, thou
    wouldst be ashamed to wrong me so.
    615Mar. You wrong me Madam to say I wrong you.
    Co. Go to, get you out of my house.
    Mar. I am gone Madam.
    Mor. Well, come in sweete bird and Ile perswade thee,
    ther's no harme done.
    620C. Well, we shall heare your perswasions.
    Le. Well God knowes, and I can partly gesse what he
    must do to perswade her: well, take your faire charge, faire
    and manly L. Monsieur Labesha.
    Co. One word with you more faire ladie.
    625Le. Not a word, no man on paine of death, not a word,
    he comes vpon my rapiers point, that comes within fortie
    foote on her.
    Be. Thankes good Lemot, and thankes gentlemen all,
    and her father shal thanke you.
    630C. Much good do it you sir: come Gentlemen, lets go
    wait vpon the king, and see the humour of the young lord
    Dowseger.
    Lem Ex-
    dayes mirth.
    Lem. Excuse me to the King, and tell him I will meet
    635him there: so this is but the beginning of sport betweene
    this fine lord and his old lady: but this wench Martia hath
    happy starres raigned at the disposition of her beautie, for
    the King him selfe doth mightily dote on her. Now to my
    Puritane, and see if I can make vp my full proofe of her.
    640Enter the puritane in her best attyre.
    Flo. Now am I vp and ready, ready? why? because my
    cloathes once on, that call we ready: but readinesse I hope
    hath reference to some fit action for our seuerall state: for
    when I am attyred thus Countesse-like, tis not to worke,
    645for that befittes me not, tis on some pleasure, whose chiefe
    obiect is one mans content, and hee my husbande is, but
    what need I thus be attyred, for that he would be pleased
    with meaner weed? besides I take no pleasure thus to please
    him: I am content, because it is my duty to keep to him, and
    650not to seeke no further: but if that pleasure be a thing that
    makes the time seeme short, if it do laughter cause, if it pro-
    cure the tongue but hartily to say, I thanke you, I haue no
    such thing, nor can the godliest woman in the worlde, a-
    gainst her nature please her sense, or soule, she may say, this
    655I will, or this I will not. But what shall she reape hereby?
    comfort in an other world, if she will stay till then.
    Enter her husband behind her.
    Lab. Yea mary sir now I must looke about, now if her
    desolate proouer come againe, shal I admit him to make
    660farther triall? Ile haue a Dialogue betweene my selfe and
    manly reason: to that speciall end reason, shall I indure a de-
    solate man to come and court my wife, and proue her con-
    stancie: reason, to court and proue her you may beare my
    lord, for perfite things are not the worse for triall; gold will
    665not turne to drosse for deepest triall: before God a comfor-
    table saying: thanks gentle reason, Ile trouble you no more.
    C 3 God
    An humerous
    God saue sweet wife, looke vp, thy tempter comes.
    Flo. Let him my lord, I hope I am more blest then to
    670relent in thought of lewde suggestion.
    Lab. But if by frailtie you should yeeld in thought, what
    will you do?
    Flo. Then shall you keepe me close, and neuer let me see
    man but your selfe, if not, then boldly may I go abroade.
    675Lab. But how, shall I know whether you yeeld, or no?
    Flo. Heare vs your selfe, my lord.
    Lab. Tut, that were grosse, for no woman will yeeld in
    her husbands hearing.
    Flo. Then to assure you if I yeelde or no, marke but
    680these signes: as hee is proouing me, if I doe yeelde, you
    shall perceyue my face blush and looke pale, and put on
    heauie lookes. If I resist I will triumph, and smile, and
    when I hold but vp my finger, stop his vaine lips, or thrust
    him on the breast, then is he ouerthrowne both horse and
    685foote.
    Lab. Why, this doth satisfie me mightily: see hee is
    come.
    Lem. Honor to my good lord, and his faire yong ladie.
    Lab. Nowe Monsieur Sathan, you are come to
    690tempt and prooue at full the spirit of my wife.
    Lem. I am my lord, but vainly I suppose.
    Lab. You see she dares put on this braue attire fit with
    the fashion, which you think serues much to lead a woman
    into light desires.
    695Lem. My lord I see it: and the sight thereof doth halfe
    dismay me to make further proofe.
    Lab. Nay prooue her, proue her sir, and spare not:
    what doth the wittie minion of our King thinke any dame
    in France will say him nay? but proue her, proue her, see
    700and spare not.
    Lem. Well sir, though halfe discouraged in my com-
    ming, yet Ile go forward: ladie, by your leaue.
    Flo. Nowe sir, your cunning in a Ladyes proofe.
    Lem.
    dayes mirth.
    705Lem. Madam, in prouing you I find no proofe against
    your piercing glauncings, but swear I am shot thorow with
    your loue.
    Flo. I do beleeue you: who will sweare he loues, to get
    the thing he loues not? if he loue, what needs more perfite
    710triall?
    Lem. Most true rare ladie.
    Flo. Then are we fitly met, I loue you too.
    Lem. Exceeding excellent.
    Flo. Nay, I knowe you will applaude mee in this
    715course, but to let common circumstaunces passe, let vs be
    familiar.
    Lem. Deare life, you rauish my conceit with ioy.
    Lab. I long to see the signes that she will make.
    Flo. I told my husband I would make these signes: if I
    720resisted, first hold vp my finger, as if I said, yfaith sir you
    are gone, but it shall say, yfayth sir, we are one.
    Lab. Nowe shee triumphes, and pointes to heauen I
    warrant you.
    Flo. Then must I seeme as if I woulde heare no moret
    725and stoppe your vaine lips, go cruell lippes, you haue be-
    witcht me, go.
    Lab. Now she stops in his scorned wordes, and rates
    him for his paines.
    Flo. And when I thrust you thus against the breast, then
    730are you ouerthrowne both horse and foote.
    Lab. Now is he ouerthrowne both horse and foote.
    Flo. Away vaine man, haue I not answered you?
    Lem. Madam, I yeeld and sweare, I neuer saw so con-
    stant, nor so vertuous a ladie.
    735Lab. Now speake I pray, and speake but truly, haue
    you not got a wrong sow by the eare?
    Lem. My lord, my labor is not altogether lost, for now
    I find that which I neuer thought.
    Lab. A sirrah, is the edge of your steele wit rebated then
    740against her Adamant?
    Lem.
    An humorous
    Lem. It is my Lord, yet one word more faire ladie.
    Lab. Faine would he haue it do, and it will not be: harke
    you wife, what signe will you make mee nowe if you re-
    lent not?
    745Flo. Lend him my handkercher to wipe his lips of their
    last disgrace.
    Lab. Excellent good, go forward, see I pray.
    Flo. An other signe yfaith, loue is required.
    Lem. Let him haue signes inowe, my heauenly loue,
    750then knowe there is a priuate meeting this day at Verones
    ordinarie, where if you will do me the grace to come, and
    bring the beauteous Martia with you, I wil prouide a faire
    and priuate roome, where you shal be vnseene of any man,
    onely of me, and of the King himselfe, whom I will cause
    755to honour your repaire with his high presence, and there
    with Musicke and quicke reuellings you may reuiue your
    spirits so long time dulled.
    Flo. Ile send for Martia then, and meete you there, and
    tell my husband, I wil locke my selfe in my choise walke
    760till supper-time: we pray sir, wipe your lips of the disgrace
    they tooke in their last labour.
    Lem. Mary the diuell was neuer so dispited.
    Lab. Nay stay, see.
    Lem. No, no, my L, you haue the constantst wife that
    765euer: wel, Ile say no more.Exit.
    Lab. Neuer was minion so disminioned, come con-
    stancie, come my girle, Ile leaue thee loose to twentie of
    them yfaith.
    Then he
    sighes.
    Flo. Come my good head, come.Exit.
    770Enter the King and all the lords, with the Trumpets.
    King. Why sound these Trumpets in the Diuelles
    name.
    C. To shew the King comes.
    King. To shew the King comes Go hang the Trum-
    775petters, they mocke me boldly, and euery other thing that
    makes
    dayes mirth.
    makes me knowne, not telling what I am, but what I seem,
    a King of clouts, a scarcrow, full of cobwebs, spiders and
    earewigs, that sets Iackdawes long tongue in my bosome,
    and vpon my head, and such are all the affections of loue
    780swarming in me, without commaund or reason.
    Lem. Howe nowe my liege! what quackemyred in
    Philosophie, bounde with loues whipcorde, and quite
    robbed of reason: and Ile giue you a receyte for this pre-
    sently.
    785King. Peace Lemot, they say the yong lord Dowseger is
    rarely learned, and nothing lunatike as men suppose, but
    hateth companie, and worldly trash, the iudgement and
    the iust contempt of them, haue in reason arguments that
    breake affection (as the most sacred Poets write) and
    790still the roughest wind: and his rare humour come we now
    to heare.
    Lem. Yea, but hearke you my liege, Ile tell you a better
    humour then that, here presently will be your faire loue
    Martia, to see his humour, and from thence faire countesse
    795Florula, & she will go vnto Verones ordinarie, where none
    but you and I, and Count Moren, will be most merry.
    King. Why Count Moren I hope dares not aduenture
    into any womans companie, but his wiues.
    Lem. Yes, as I will worke, my liege, and then let me alone
    800to keepe him there till his wife comes.
    King. That will be royall sport: see where all comes:
    welcome faire lords and ladies.
    Enter Laberuele, Labesha, and all the rest.
    Lab. My liege you are welcome to my poore house.
    805Lem. I pray, my liege know this Gentleman especially,
    he is a Gentleman borne I can tell you.
    King. With all my heart: what might I call your name?
    Lab. Monsieur Labesha, siniora defoulasa.
    Ki. Defoulasa, an il sounding barrendrie of my word: bur
    810to the purpose, lord Laberuele, we are come to see the hu-
    D mour
    An humerous
    mour of your rare sonne, which by some meanes I pray let
    vs pertake.
    La. Your highnes shal too vnworthily pertake the sight
    which I with griefe and teares daily behold, seeing in him
    815the end of my poore house.
    King. You know not that (my lord) your wife is yong,
    and he perhaps hereafter may be mooued to more societie.
    La. Would to God hee would, that wee might do to
    your crowne of France, more worthy and more accepta-
    820ble seruice.
    King. Thanks good my lord, see where he appeeres.
    Enter Lauele with a picture, and a paire of large hose, and a
    codpeece, and a sword.
    K. Say Lauel, where is your friend the yong lord Dowsecer?
    825La. I looke my liege he will be here anone, but then I
    must intreat your Maiestie and all the rest, to stand vnseen,
    for he as yet will brooke no companie.
    King. We will stand close Lauele, but wherefore bring
    you this apparell, that picture, and that sword?
    830Lau. To put him by the sight of them in mind of their
    braue states that vse them, or that at the least of the true vse
    they should be put vnto.
    King. Indeede the sence doth still stir vp the soule, and
    though these obiects do not worke, yet it is very probable
    835in time she may, at least, we shal discerne his humor of thē.
    Lem. See where he comes contemplating, stand close.
    Enter Dowsecer.
    Quid Dei potes videri magnum in rebus humanis quaeterni
    omnes to thy ousque notas sic omnibus magna tutor, what
    840can seeme strange to him on earthly things to whom the
    whole course of eternitie, and the round compasse of the
    world is knowne? a speech diuine, but yet I maruaile much
    how it should spring from thee, Marke Cicero that sold for
    glory the sweet peece of life, & make a torment of rich na-
    845tures work, wearing thy self by watchful candel light, when
    all the Smithes & Weauers were at rest, and yet was gallant
    ere
    dayes mirth.
    ere the day bird sung to haue a troope of clyents at thy
    gates, armed with religious suplicatiōs, such as wold make
    sterne Minos laugh to reade: look on our lawyers billes, not
    850one containes virtue or honest drifts; but he cares, he cares,
    he cares; for acorns now are in request, but the okes poore
    fruite did nourish men, men were like okes of body, tough,
    and strong men were like Gyants then, but Pigmies now,
    yet full of villanies as their skinne can hold.
    855Le. How like you this humor my liege?
    King. This is no humour, this is but perfit iudgement.
    Coun. Is this a frensie?
    Mar. O were al men such, men were no men but gods:
    this earth a heauen.
    860Do. See see the shamelesse world, that dares present her
    mortall enemie with these grose ensignes of her lenity, yron
    and steele, vncharitable stuffe, good spittle-founders, ene-
    mies to whole skinnes, as if there were not waies enow to
    die by natural and casuall accidents, diseases, surfeits, braue
    865carowses, old aquavitae, and too base wiues, and thousands
    more hence with this art of murder. But here is goodly
    geare, the soule of man, for tis his better part, take away
    this, and take away their merites, and their spirites, scarce
    dare they come in any publike view, without this counte-
    870nance giuer, and some dares not come, because they haue it
    too, for they may sing, in written books they find it, what is
    it then the fashion, or the cost, the cost doth match, but yet
    the fashion more, for let it be but meane, so in the fashion,
    & tis most gentleman like, is it so? make a hand in the mar-
    875gent, and burne the booke, a large house and a codpeece
    makes a man a codpece, nay indeed but house must down:
    well for your gentle forgers of men, and for you come to
    rest me into fashion, Ile weare you thus, and sit vpon the
    matter.
    880La. And he doth despise our purposes.
    Ca. Beare with him yet my Lorde, hee is not resol-
    ued.
    D 2 La. I
    An humorous
    La. I would not haue my friend mocke worthy men,
    for the vaine pride of some that are not so.
    885Dow. I do not here deride difference of states, no not
    in shew, but wish that such as want shew might not be scor-
    ned with ignorant Turkish pride, beeing pompous in ap-
    parel, and in mind: nor would I haue with imitated shapes
    menne make their natiue land, the land of apes, liuing like
    890strangers when they be at home, and so perhaps beare
    strange hearts to their home, nor looke a snuffe like a pian-
    ncts taile, for nothing but their tailes and formall lockes,
    when like to creame boules all their vertues swim in their
    set faces, all their in parts then fit to serue pesants or make
    895curdes for dawes: but what a stocke am I thus to neglect
    this figure of mans comfort this rare peece?
    La. Heauens grant that make him more humane, and
    sotiable.
    King. Nay hees more humane then all we are.
    900La. I feare he will be too sharp to that sweete sex.
    Dow. She is very faire, I thinke that she be painted; and
    if she be sir, she might aske of mee, how many is there of
    our sexe that are not? tis a sharpe question: marry and I
    thinke they haue small skill, if they were all of painting,
    905twere safer dealing with them, and indeed were their minds
    strong enough to guide their bodies, their beuteous deeds
    shoulde match with their heauenly lookes, twere necessa-
    rie they should weare them, and would they vouchsafe it,
    euen I would ioy in their societie.
    910Ma. And who would not die with such a man?
    Dow. But to admire them as our gallants do, O what an
    eie she hath, O dainty hand, rare foote and legge, and leaue
    the minde respectles, this is a plague, that in both men and
    women make such pollution of our earthly beeing: well I
    915will practice yet to court this peece.
    La. O happie man, now haue I hope in her.
    King. Me thinkes I could indure him daies and nights.
    Dow. Well sir, now thus must I do sir, ere it come to
    women
    dayes mirth.
    women; now sir a plague vpon it, tis so ridiculous I can no
    920further: what poore asse was it that set this in my way? now
    if my father should be the man: Gods precious coles tis
    he.
    Lab. Good sonne go forward in this gentle humor, ob-
    serue this picture, it presents a maide of noble birth and ex-
    925cellent of parts, whom for our house and honor sake, I wish
    thou wouldst confesse to marrie.
    Dow. To marrie father? why we shall haue children.
    La. Why that's the ende of marriage, and the ioye of
    men.
    930Do. O how you are deceiued, you haue but me, & what
    a trouble am I to your ioy? but father, if you long to haue
    some fruite of me, see father I will creepe into this stuborne
    earth and mixe my flesh with it, and they shall breede
    grasse, to fat oxen, asses and such like, and when they in the
    935grasse the spring conuerts into beasts nourishment, then
    comes the fruite of this my body forth; then may you well
    say, seeing my race is so profitably increased, that good fat
    oxe, and that same large eard asse are my sonne sonnes, that
    caulfe with a white face is his faire daughter, with which,
    940when your fields are richly filled, then will my race content
    you, but for the ioyes of children, tush tis gone, children
    will not deserue, nor parents take it: wealth is the onely
    father & the child, and but in wealth no man hath any ioy.
    La. Some course deare sonne take for thy honor sake.
    945Dow. Then father heres a most excellent course.
    La. This is some comfort yet.
    Dow. If you will strait be gone and leaue me here, Ile
    stand as quietlye as anye lambe, and trouble none of you
    La. An haplesse man.
    950Le. How like you this humour yet my liege?
    King. As of a holy fury, not a frensie.
    Mor. See see my liege, he hath seene vs sure.
    King. Nay looke how he viewes Martia and makes
    him fine.
    955D 3 Le. Yea
    An humerous
    Lem. Yea my liege, and she as I hope wel obserued, hath
    vttered many kind conceits of hers.
    King. Well Ile be gone, and when shee comes to Ve-
    rones ordinarie, Ile haue her taken to my custodie.
    960Lem, Ile stay my liege, and see the euent of this.
    King. Do so Lemot.Exit the king.
    Dow. What haue I seene? howe am I burnt to dust
    with a new Sun, and made a nouell Phoenix, is she a wo-
    man that obiects this sight, able to worke the chaos of the
    965world into gestion? O diuine aspect, the excellent disposer
    of the mind shines in thy beautie, and thou hast not chaun-
    ged my soule to sense, but sense vnto my soule, and I desire
    thy pure societie, but euen as angels do, to angels flie.Exit.
    Mar. Flie soule and follow him.
    970Lab. I maruaile much at my sonnes sodaine straunge
    behauiour.
    Lem. Beare with him yet my Lord, tis but his humour:
    come, what shall we go to Verones ordinarie?
    Lab. Yea for Gods sake, for I am passing hungry.
    975Mor. Yea, come Monsieur Lemot, will you walke?
    Count. What, will you go?
    Mor. Yea sweet bird, I haue promised so.
    Count. Go to, you shall not go and leaue me alone.
    Mor. For one meale gentle bird: Veron inuites vs to buy
    980some iewels he hath brought of late from Italie: Ile buy the
    best, and bring it thee, so thou wilt let me go.
    Count. Well said flattering Fabian, but tel me then what
    ladies will be there?
    Mor. Ladies? why none.
    985Lem. No ladies vse to come to ordinaries, Madam.
    Count. Go to bird, tell me now the very truth.
    Mor. None of mine honour bird, you neuer heard that
    ladies came to ordinaries.
    Count O thats because I should not go with you.
    990Mar. Why tis not fit you should.
    Cou. Well heark you bird, of my word you shall not go,
    vnlesse
    dayes mirth.
    vnlesse you will sweare to me, you will neither court nor
    kisse a dame in any sort, till you come home againe.
    995Mar. Why I sweare I will not.
    Count. Go to, by this kisse.
    Mar. Yea, by this kisse.
    Foies. Martia, learne by this when you are a wife.
    Lab. I like the kissing well.
    1000Flo. My lord Ile leaue you, your sonne Dowsecer hath
    made me melancholy with his humour, and Ile go locke
    my selfe in my close walke till supper time.
    Lab. What, and not dine to day?
    Flo. No my good head: come Martia, you and I will
    1005fast togither.
    Mar. With all my heart Madam.Exit.
    Lab. Well Gentlemen Ile go see my sonne.Exit.
    Foy. Birlady Gentlemen Ile go home to dinner.
    Labe. Home to dinner? birlord but you shall not, you
    1010shall go with vs to the ordinarie, where you shall meete
    Gentlemen of so good carriage, and passing cōplements, it
    will do your hart good to see them, why you neuer saw the
    best sort of Gentlemen if not at ordinaries.
    Foy. I promise you thats rare, my lord, and Monsieur Le-
    1015mot, Ile meet you there presently.
    Lem. Weele expect your comming.Exeunt all.
    Enter Uerone with his Napkin vpon his shoulder, and his
    man Iaques with another, and his sonne bringing
    1020in cloth and napkins.
    Uer. Come on my maisters, shadow these tables with
    their white vailes, accomplish the court Cupboord, waite
    diligently to day for my credite and your owne, that if the
    1025meate should chance to be raw, yet your behauiors being
    neither rude nor raw, may excuse it, or if the meate should
    chaunce to be tough, be you tender ouer them in your at-
    tendance, that the one may beare with the other.
    Iaq.
    An humorous
    Iaq. Faith some of them bee so hard to please, finding
    1030fault with your cheere, and discommending your wine,
    saying, they fare better at Verones for halfe the mony.
    Boy. Besides, if there be any cheboules in your napkins,
    they say your nose or ours haue dropt on them, and then
    they throw them about the house.
    1035Uer. But these bee small faultes, you may beare with
    them, young Gentlemen and wilde heades will be doing.
    Enter the Maide.
    Maid. Come, whose wit was it to couer in this roome,
    name in the of God I trowee.
    1040Boy. Why I hope this roome is as faire as the other.
    Maid. In your foolish opinion: you might haue tolde a
    wise body so, and kept your selfe a foole still.
    Boy. I cry you mercie, how bitter you are in your pro-
    uerbs.
    1045Maid. So bitter I am sir.
    Uer. O sweet Sateena I dare not say I loue thee.
    Iaq. Must you controule vs you proud baggage you?
    Maid. Baggage? you are a knaue to call me baggage.
    Iaq. A knaue? my maister shall know that.
    1050Ver. I will not see them.
    Iaq. Maister, here is your Maid vses her selfe so sawsi-
    ly, that one house shall not holde vs two long, God wil-
    ling.
    Uer. Come hither huswife. Pardon mee sweete Iace-
    1055nan, I must make an angry face outwardly, though I smile
    inwardly.
    Maid. Say what you will to me sir.
    Ver. O you are a fine Gossip, can I not keepe honest
    seruants in my house, but you must controule them? you
    1060must be their mistres.
    Maid. Why I did but take vp the cloth, because my mi-
    stresse would haue the dinner in an other roome, and hee
    called me baggage.
    Iaq.
    dayes mirth.
    1065Iaq. You called me knaue and foole, I thanke you small
    bones.
    Ma. Go to, go to, she were wise enough would talke
    with you.
    Boy. Go thy waies for the prowdest harlotrie that euer
    1070came in our house.
    Ver. Let her alone boy, I haue scoold her I warant thee,
    she shall not be my maide long, if I can helpe it.
    Boy. No, I thinke so sir, but what, shal I take vppe the
    cloath?
    1075Ue. No, let the cloth lie, hither theile com first, I am sure
    of it, then If they will dine in the other roome, they shal.
    Enter Rowl.
    Ro. Good morrow my host, is no body come yet?
    Ue. Your worship is the first sir.
    1080Ro. I was inuited by my cosen Colinet, to see your iew-
    ells.
    Ve. I thanke his worship and yours.
    Ro. Heres a prettie place for an ordinarie, I am very
    sory I haue not vsed to come to ordinaries.
    1085Ve. I hope we shall haue your company hereafter.
    Ro. You are very like so.
    Enter Berger.
    Ber. Good morrow my host, good morrow good
    Monsieur Rowle.
    1090Ro. Good morrow to you sir,
    Ber. What are we two the first? giue's the cardes, here
    come, this gentleman and I wil go to cardes while dinner
    be ready.
    Ro. No truly I cannot play at cardes.
    1095Ber. How! not play, O for shame say not so, how can a
    yong gentleman spend his time but in play, and in courting
    his Mistris: come vse this, least youth take too much of the
    other.
    Ro. Faith I cannot play, and yet I care not so much
    1100E to
    An humorous
    to venture two or three crownes with you.
    Ber. O I thought what I shuld find of you, I pray God
    I haue not met with my match.
    Ro. No trust me sir, I cannot play.
    1105Ber. Hearke you my host, haue you a pipe of good
    Tabacco?
    Ue. The best in the towne: boy drie a leafe.
    Boy. Theres none in the house sir.
    Ve. Drie a docke leafe.
    1110Be. My host, do you know Monsieur Blanuel?
    Ue. Yea passing well sir.
    Be. Why, he was taken learning trickes at old Lucilas
    house the muster mistris of all the smocktearers in Paris,
    and both the bawde and the pander were carried to the
    1115dungeon.
    Ve. There was dungeon vpon dungeon, but call you her
    the muster-mistris of al the smocktearers in Paris?
    Be. Yea, for she hath them all trained vp afore her.
    Enter Blanuel.
    1120Bla. Good morow my host, good morow gentlemen al.
    Ue. Good morow Monsieur Blanuel, I am glad of your
    quicke deliuery.
    Bla. Deliuery, what didst thou thinke I was with child?
    Ve. Yea of a dungeon.
    1125Bla. Why, how knew you that?
    Ro. Why Berger told vs.
    Bla. Berger who told you of it?
    Be. One that I heard, by the lord.
    Bla. O excellent, you are still playing the wagge.
    1130Enter Lemot and Moren.
    Le Good morrow Gentlemen all, good morrow good
    Monsieur Rowle.
    Ro. At your seruice.
    Le. I pray my lord look what a prety falling band he hath,
    1135tis pretty fantasticall, as I haue seen made, with good iudge-
    ment, great shew, and but tittle cost.
    Morene.
    dayes mirth.
    Moren. And so it is I promise you, who made it I
    pray?
    Row I know not yfaith, I bought it by chance.
    1140Le. It is a very pretty one, make much of it.
    Enter Catalian sweating.
    Ca. Boy, I prethee call for a course napkin. Good mor-
    row Gentlemen, I would you had bin at the tenniscourt,
    you should haue seene me a beat Monsieur Besan, and I
    1145gaue him fifteene and all his faults.
    Le. Thou didst more for him, then euer God wil do for
    thee.
    Ca. Iaques, I prethee fill me a cup of canary, three parts
    water
    1150Le. You shall haue all water and if it please you.
    Enter Maide.
    Ma. Who cald for a course napkin?
    Ca. Marry I, sweete heart, do you take the paines to
    bring it your selfe, haue at you by my hosts leaue.
    1155Ma. Away sir, fie for shame.
    Ca. Hearke you my host, you must marry this young
    wench, you do her mighty wrong els.
    Ver. O sir, you are a merry man.
    Enter Foyes and Labesha.
    1160Foy. Good morrow gentlemen, you see I am as good as
    my word.
    Mo. You are sir, and I am very glad of it.
    Le You are welcome Monsieur Foyes: but you are not,
    no not you.
    1165Be. No, welcome that Gentleman, tis no matter for me.
    Le. How sir? no matter to you, by this rush I am angry
    with you, as if al our loues protested vnto you were dissem-
    bled, no matter for you?
    Be. Nay sweet Lemot be not angry, I did but iest, as I am
    1170a Gentleman.
    E 2 Lem.
    An humorous
    Lem. Yea but theres a difference of iesting, you wrong
    all our affections in so doing.
    Be. Faith and troth I did not, and I hope sirs you take it
    not so.
    1175All. No matter for me, twas very vnkindly sayd, I must
    needs say so.
    La. You see how they loue me.
    Foy. I do sir, and I am very glad of it.
    Be, And I hope Lemot, you are not angry with me stil.
    1180Le. No faith, I am not so very a foole to be angry with
    one that cares not for me.
    Be. Do not I care for you? nay then.
    Ca. What, dost thou cry?
    Be. Nay I do not cry, but my stomacke waters to thinke
    1185that you should take it so heauily, if I do not wish that I
    were cut into three peeces, and that these peeces were tur-
    ned into three blacke puddings, and that these three blacke
    puddings were turned into three of the fairest Ladies in the
    land for your sake, I would I were hanged, what a diuel can
    1190you haue more then my poore heart?
    Ca. Well harke you Lemot, in good faith you are too
    blame to put him to this vnkindnes, I prethee be friends
    with him.
    Le. Well, I am content to put vp this vnkindnesse for
    1195this once, but while you liue take heede of: no matter for
    me.
    Be. Why is it such a hainous word?
    Le. O the hainousest word in the world.
    Be. Wel, Ile neuer speake it more, as I am a gentleman.
    1200Le. No I pray do not.
    Foy. My lord, will your lordship go to cards?
    Lor. Yea with you Monsieur Foyes.
    Ro. Lemot, will you play?
    Le. Pardon good Monsieur Rowle, if I had any dispo-
    1205sition to gaming your company should draw me before
    any mans here.
    Foy.
    dayes mirth.
    Foy. Labesha, what will you play?
    Lab. Play, yea with all my heart, I pray lend me three
    pence.
    1210Row. Ile play no more.
    Cat. Why, haue you wonne or lost?
    Row. Faith I haue lost two or three crownes.
    Cat. Well to him againe, Ile be your halfe.
    Lem. Sirrah, Catalian, while they are playing at cardes,
    1215thou and I will haue some excellent sport: sirrah, dost thou
    know that same Gentleman there?
    Cat. No yfaith, what is he?
    Lem. A very fine gull, and a neat reueller, one thats heire
    to a great liuing, yet his father keepes him so short, that his
    1220shirts will scant couer the bottom of his belly, for all his gay
    outside, but the linings be very foule and sweatie, yea and
    perhappes lowsie, with dispising the vaine shiftes of the
    world.
    Cat. But he hath gotten good store of money now me
    1225thinks.
    Lem. Yea, and I wonder of it, some ancient seruing man
    of his fathers, that hath gotten fortie shillings in fiftie years
    vpon his great good husbandrie, he swearing monstrous
    othes to pay him againe, and besides to doe him a good
    1230turne (when God shall heare his prayer for his father) hath
    lent it him I warrant you, but howsoeuer, we must speake
    him faire.
    Cat. O what else!
    Lem. God saue sweete Monsieur Rowle, what loose or
    1235win, loose or win?
    Row. Faith sir saue my selfe, and loose my money.
    Lem. Theres a prouerbe hit dead in the necke like a
    Cony, why hearke thee Catalian, I could haue told thee be-
    fore what he would haue said.
    1240Cat. I do not thinke so.
    Lem. No, thou seest heers a fine plumpe of gallants, such
    as thinke their wits singular, and their selues rarely accom-
    E 3 plished,
    An humorous
    plished, yet to shew thee how brittle their wittes be, I will
    1245speake to them seuerally, and I will tell thee before what
    they shall answer me.
    Cat. Thats excellent, lets see that yfaith.
    Lem. Whatsoeuer I say to Monsieur Rowlee, he shall
    say, O sir, you may see an ill weed growes apace.
    1250Cat. Come, lets see.
    Lem. Now Monsieur Rowlee, me thinks you are excee-
    dingly growne since your comming to Paris.
    Row. O sir, you may see an ill weed growes a pace.
    Cat. This is excellent, forward sir I pray.
    1255Lem. What soere I say to Labesha, he shall answer me,
    blacke will beare no other hue, and that same olde Iustice,
    as greedie of a stale prouerbe, he shall come in the necke
    of that and say, Blacke is a pearle in a womans eye.
    Cat. Yea, much yfayth.
    1260Lem. Looke thee, here comes hither Labesha, Catalian,
    and I haue beene talking of thy complexion, and I say, that
    all the faire ladies in France would haue beene in loue with
    thee, but that thou art so blacke.
    Labe. O sir blacke will beare no other hue.
    1265Foy. O sir blacke is a pearle in a womans eye.
    Lem. You say true sir, you say true sir, sirrah Catalian,
    whatsoere I say to Berger that is so busie at Cardes, he shall
    answer me, sblood, I do not meane to die as long as I can
    see one aliue.
    1270Cat. Come let vs see you.
    Lem. Why Berger, I thought thou hadst beene dead, I
    haue not heard thee chide all this while.
    Ber. Sblood, I do not meane to die, as long as I can see
    one aliue.
    1275Cat. Why but hearke you Lemot, I hope you cannot
    make this lord answer so roundly.
    Lem. O, as right as any of them all, and he shall aun-
    swere mee with an olde Latine Prouerbe, that is,
    vsus promptus facit.
    Cat.
    dayes mirth.
    1280Cat. Once more lets see.
    Lem. My lord, your lordship could not play at this game
    verie latelie, and nowe me thinkes you are growne excee-
    ding perfite.
    Mor. O sir, you may see, vsus promptus facit.
    1285Enter Iaques.
    Iaq. Monsieur Lemot, here is a Gentleman and two
    Gentlewomen do desire to speake with you.
    Lem. What are they come? Iaques, conuey them into
    the inwarde Parlour by the inwarde roome, and there is a
    1290brace of Crownes for thy labour, but let no bodie know of
    their being here.
    Iaq. I warrant you sir.
    Lem. See where they come: welcome my good lord and
    ladies, Ile come to you presently: so, now the sport begins,
    1295I shall starte the disguised King plaguilie, nay I shall put
    the ladie that loues me in a monstrous fright, when her hus-
    band comes and finds her here.
    Boy. The Gentleman, and the two Gentlewomen de-
    sires your companie.
    1300Lem. Ile come to them presently.
    Foy. Gentlemen, Ile go speake with one, and come to
    The boy
    speakes in
    Foies his ear
    you presently.
    Lem. My lord, I would speake a worde with your lord-
    ship, if it were not for interrupting your game.
    1305Lord. No, I haue done Lemot.
    Lem. My lord there must a couple of ladies dine with
    vs to day.
    Lord. Ladies? Gods my life I must be gone.
    Lem. Why, hearke you my Lorde, I knewe not of
    1310their comming I protest to your Lordship, and woulde
    you haue mee turne such faire Ladies as these are a-
    way?
    Lord. Yea but hearke you Lemot, did not you heare
    mee sweare to my Wife, that I woulde not tarie, if there
    were
    An humorous
    1315were any women, I wonder you would suffer any to come
    there.
    Lem. Why you swore but by a kisse, and kisses are no
    holie things, you know that.
    Lord. Why but hearke you Lemot, indeed I would be
    1320very loath to do any thing, that if my wife should know it,
    should displease her.
    Le. Nay then you are to obsequious, hearke you, let me
    intreate you, and Ile tell you in secrete, you shall haue no
    worse company then the Kings.
    1325Lord. Why will the King be there?
    Lem. Yea, though disguised.
    Lord. Who are the ladies?
    Lem. The flowers of Paris, I can tell you, faire countesse
    Florila, and the ladie Martia.
    1330Enter Iaque.
    Iaq. Monsieur Lemot, the gentleman and the two Gen-
    tlewomen desire your companie.
    Lem. Ile come to them straight: but Iaques come hither
    I prethee, go to Labesha, and tell him that the Countesse
    1335Florila, and the ladie Martia be here at thy maisters house:
    and if it come in question hereafter, denie that thou tolde
    him any such thing.
    Iaq. What, is this all? Sblood Ile denie it, and forsweare
    it too.
    1340Lem. My Lorde, Ile goe and see the roome be neate
    and fine, and come to you presently.
    Lord. Yea but hearke you Lemot, I prethee take such
    order that they be not knowne of any women in the house.
    Lem. O how shuld they now to his wife go yfaith!Exit.
    1345Iaq. Hearke you, Monsieur Labesha, I pray let me speak
    a worde with you.
    Labe. With all my heart, I pray looke to my stake, theres
    three pence vnder the Candlesticke.
    Iaq. I pray see, do you know the Countesse Florila, and
    1350the ladie Martia?
    Lab.
    dayes mirth.
    Lab. Do I know the ladie Martia? I knew her before
    she was borne, why do you aske me?
    Ia. Why, they are both here at my masters house.
    Lab. What, is Mistris Martia at an ordinarie?
    1355Ia. Yea that she is.
    La. By skies and stones Ile go and tel her father.Exit.
    Enter Lemot and the Countesse.
    Cou. What you are out of breath me thinks Monsieur
    Lemot?
    1360Le It is no matter Madam, it is spent in your seruice, that
    beare your age with your honesty, better then an hundred
    of these nise gallants, and indeed it is a shame for your hus-
    band, that contrary to his oath made to you before dinner,
    he shoud be now at the ordinary with that light huswife
    1365Martia, which I could not chuse but come and tell you; for
    indeede it is a shame that your motherly care should be so
    slightly regarded.
    Co. Out on thee strumpet and accurst, and miserable
    dame.
    1370Le. Well, there they are: nothing els now, to her hus-
    band go I.Exit.
    Co. Nothing els quoth you, can there be more? O wic-
    ked man, would he play false, that would so simply vow,
    and sweare his faith, and would not let me be displeased a
    1375minute, but he would sigh, and weepe til I were pleased, I
    haue a knife within thats rasor sharp, and I wil lay an yron
    in the fire, making it burning hot to mark the strumpet, but
    t'will bee colde too ere I can come thither, doe something
    wretched woman, staies thou here?Exit.
    1380Enter Lemot.
    Le. My lorde, the roome is neate and fine, wilt please
    you go in?
    Ue. Gentlemen, your dinner is ready.
    All. And we are ready for it.
    1385Le. Iaquis, shut the doores let no body come in.
    Exeunt omnes.
    F Enter
    An humorous
    Enter Laberuele, Foyes, Labesha, and the
    Countesse.
    La. Where be these puritanes, these murderers, let me
    1390come in here?
    Fo. Where is the strumpet?
    Co. where is this harlot, let vs come in here.
    La. What shall we do? the streets do wonder at vs, and
    we do make our shame knowne to the world, let vs go, and
    1395complaine vs to the King.
    Fo. Come Labesha, will you go?
    La. No no I scorne to go; no King shal heare my plaint,
    I will in silent liue a man forlorne, mad, and melancholy, as
    a cat, and neuer more weare hat band on my hat.
    1400Enter Moren, and Martia.
    Mo. What dost thou meane? thou must not hang on
    me.
    Mar. O good lord Moren, haue me home with you,
    you may excuse all to my father for me.
    1405Enter Lemot.
    Lem. O my lord, be not so rude to leaue her now.
    Lor. Alas man, and if my wife should see it, I were vn-
    done.
    Enter the King and another.
    1410Ki. Pursue them sirs, and taking Martia from him, con-
    uay her presently to Valeres house.
    What vilain was it that hath vttered this.
    Enter the Puritane to Lemot.
    Le. Why twas euen I, I thanke you for your gentle
    1415tearmes, you giue me vilain at the first, I wonder wheres
    this old doter, what doth he thinke we feare him.
    Flo. O monstrous man, what, wouldst thou haue him
    take vs?
    Le. Would
    dayes mirth.
    Le. Would I quoth you, yea by my troth would I, I know
    1420he is but gone to cal the constable, or to raise the streets.
    Flo. What meanes the man trow? is he mad?
    Le. No, no, I know what I do, I doe it of purpose, I
    long to see him come and raile at you, to call you harlot,
    and to spurne you too, O you'l loue me a great deale the
    1425better, and yet let him come, and if he touch but one thread
    of you, Ile make that thread his poyson.
    Flo. I know not what to say.
    Le. Speake, do you loue me?
    Flo. Yea surely do I.
    1430Le, Why then haue not I reason that loue you so deare-
    ly as I do, to make you hatefull in his sight, that I might
    more freely enioy you.
    Flo. Why let vs be gon my kind Lemot, and not be
    wondered at in the open streets.
    1435Le. Ile go with you through fire, through death, throgh
    hell, come giue me your owne hand, my owne deare heart,
    this hand that I adore and reuerence, and loath to haue it,
    touch an olde mans bosome, O let me sweetely kisse it; he
    bites.
    1440Flo. Out on thee wretch, he hath bit me to the bone,
    O barbarous Canibal, now I perceiue thou wilt make me a
    mocking stocke to all the world.
    Le. Come, come, leaue your passions, they cannot
    mooue mee, my father and my mother died both in a day,
    1445and I rung mee a peale for them, and they were no soo-
    ner brought to the church and laide in their graues, but I
    fetcht me two or three fine capers aloft, and took my leaue
    of them, as men do of their mistresses at the ending of a ga-
    liard; Besilos manus.
    1450Flo. O brutish nature, how accurst was I euer to indure
    the sound of this damned voice?
    Le. Well, and you do not like my humor, I can be but
    sory for it, I bit you for good will, and if you accept it, so, if
    no, go.
    F 2 Flo.
    An humorous
    1455Flo. Vilain, thou didst it in contempt of me.
    Le. Well, and you take it so, so be it: harke you Madam,
    your wisest course is, euen to become puritane againe, put
    off this vaine attire, and say, I haue despised all: thanks my
    God, good husband, I do loue thee in the Lord, and he
    1460(good man) will thinke all this you haue done, was but to
    shew thou couldest gouerne the world, and hide thee as a
    rainebow doth a storme: my dainty wench, go go, what
    shall the flattering words of a vaine man make you forget
    your dutie to your husband? away, repent, amend your life,
    1465you haue discredited your religion for euer.
    Flo. Well wench, for this foule shame thou puttest on
    me, the curse of all affection light on thee.Exit.
    Le. Go Abacuck, go, why this is excellent, I shal short-
    ly become a schoolemaster, to whom men will put their
    1470wiues, to practise; well now wil I go set the Queene vpō the
    King, and tell her where he is close with his wench: and he
    that mends my humor, take the spurres: sit fast, for by hea-
    uen, ile iurke the horse you ride on.
    Enter my host, Catalian, Blanuel, Berger, Iaquis, Maide,
    1475and Boy.
    Host. Well Gentlemen, I am vtterly vndone without
    your good helpes, it is reported that I receiued certaine la-
    dies or gentlewomen into my house: no heres my man, my
    maid, and my boy, now if you saw any, speak boldly before
    1480these Gentlemen.
    Ia. I saw none sir.
    Ma. Nor I, by my maidenhead.
    Boy. Nor I, as I am a man.
    Ca. Wel my host, weele go answere for your house at
    1485this time, but if at other times you haue had wenches, and
    would not let vs know it, we are the lesse beholding to you.
    Exeunt al, but my host and the Gentleman.
    Ber. Peraduenture the more beholding to him, but
    I laye my life Lemot hath deuised some ieast, he gaue
    vs
    dayes mirth.
    1490vs the slip before dinner.
    Cat. Well Gentlemen, since we are so fitly mette, Ile tell
    you an excellent subiect for a fit of myrth, and if it bee well
    handled.
    Ber. Why, what is it?
    1495Cat. Why man, Labesha is grown maruelous malecon-
    tent, vpon some amorous disposition of his mistres, and
    you know he loues a mease of cream, and a spice-cake with
    his heart, and I am sure he hath not dined to day, and he hath
    taken on him the humour of the yong lord Dowsecer, and
    1500we will set a mease of creame, a spice-cake, and a spoone,
    as the armour, picture, and apparell was set in the way of
    Dowsecer, which I doubt not but will woorke a rare cure
    vpon his melancholie.
    Host. Why, this is excellent, Ile go fetch the creame.
    1505Cat. And I the cake.
    Ber. And I the spoone.
    Exeunt, and come in againe.
    Cat. See where hee comes as like the lord Dowsecer as
    may be, nowe you shall heare him begin with some Latin
    1510sentence that hee hath remembred euer since hee read his
    Accidence.
    Enter Labesha.
    La. Faelix quē faciunt aliena pericula cautum. O sillie state
    of things, for things they be that cause this sillie state: and
    1515what is a thing, a bable, a toy, that stands men in small stead:
    He spies the
    creame.
    but what haue we here? what vanities haue we here?
    Host. He is strongly tempted, the lord strengthen him,
    see what a vaine he hath.
    Lab. O cruell fortune, and dost thou spit thy spite at my
    1520poore life: but O sowre creame what thinkest thou that I
    loue thee still? no, no, faire and sweete is my mistries, if thou
    haddest strawberries and sugar in thee: but it may bee thou
    art set with stale cake to choke me: well taste it, and trie it,
    spoonefull by spoonefull: bitterer and bitterer still, but O
    1525sowre creame, wert thou an Onion, since Fortune set thee
    F 3 for
    An humorous
    for mee, I will eate thee, and I will deuour thee in spite of
    Fortunes spite, choake I, or burst I, mistres for thy sake, to
    end my life eate I this creame and cake.
    1530Cat. So he hath done, his Melancholy is well eased I
    warrant you.
    Host. Gods my life Gentlemen, who hath beene at this
    creame?
    Lab. Creame, had you creame? where is your creame?
    1535Ile spend my penny at your creame.
    Cat. Why, did not you eate this creame?
    Lab. Talke not to me of creame, for such vaine meate I
    do despise as food, my stomack dies drowned in the cream
    boules of my mistres eyes.
    1540Cat. Nay stay Labesha.
    Lab. No not I, not I.
    Host. O he is ashamed yfayth: but I will tell thee howe
    thou shalt make him mad indeed, say his mistres for loue
    of him hath drowned her selfe.
    1545Cat. Sblood, that will make him hang himselfe.
    Exeunt omnes.
    Enter the Queene, Lemot, and all the rest of the
    lordes, and the Countesse: Lemots
    arme in a scarffe.
    1550Lemot. haue at them yfayth with a lame counterfeite
    humor: ake on rude arme, I care not for thy paine, I got it
    nobly in the kings defence, and in the gardiance of my faire
    Queenes right.
    Qu. O tell me sweet Lemot, how fares the king? or what
    1555his right was that thou didst defend?
    Lem. That you shall know when other things are told.
    Lab. Keepe not the Queene too long without her
    longing.
    Foyes. No, for I tell you it is a daungerous thing.
    1560Coun. Little care cruell men how women long.
    Le. What would you haue me then put poyson in my
    breath, and burne the eares of my attentiue Queene.
    Quee.
    dayes mirth.
    Quee. Tell me what ere it be, Ile beare it all.
    Lem. beare with my rudenesse then in telling it, for alas
    1565you see I can but act it with the left hande, this is my ge-
    sture now.
    Quee. Tis well enough.
    Lem. Yea well enough you say, this recompence
    haue I for all my woundes: then thus the King inamou-
    1570red of an other ladie compares your face to hers, and saies
    that yours is fat and flat, and that your neather lip was pas-
    sing big.
    Quee. O wicked man, doth he so sodainlie condemne
    my beautie, that when he married me he thought diuine:
    1575for euer blasted be that strumpets face, as all my hopes are
    blasted, that did change them.
    Lem. Nay Madam, though he saide your face was fat,
    and flat, and so forth, yet he liked it best, and said, a perfect
    beautie should be so.
    1580La. O did he so! why that was right euen as it should be.
    Foy. You see now Madam, howe much too hastie you
    were in your griefes.
    Que. If he did so esteeme of me indeed, happie am I.
    Coun. So may your highnesse be that hath so good a hus-
    1585band, but hell hath no plague to such an one as I.
    Lem. Indeed Madam, you haue a bad husband: truly
    then did the king growe mightily in loue with the other la-
    die, and swore, no king could more inriched be, then to in-
    ioy so faire a dame as shee.
    1590Cat. O monstrous man, and acurst most miserable dame!
    Le. But saies the king I do inioy as faire, & though I loue
    in al honored sort, yet Ile not wrōg my wife for al the world
    Foy. This proues his constancie as firme as brasse.
    Que. It doth, it doth: O pardon me my lord, that I mi-
    1595stake thy royall meaning so.
    Coun. In heauen your highnesse liues, but I in hell.
    Lem. But when he vewd her radient eyes againe, blinde
    was hee strooken with her feruent beames: and now good
    King
    An humorous
    King he gropes about in corners voide of the chearefull
    1600light should guide vs all.
    Que. O dismall newes, what is my soueraigne blind?
    Le. Blind as a Beetle madam, that a while houering a-
    loft, at last in cowsheds fall.
    Lab. Could her eyes blind him?
    1605Lem. Eyes or what it was I know not, but blind I am
    sure he is as any stone.
    Q. Come bring me to my Prince my lord that I may
    leade him, none aliue but I may haue the honour to direct
    his feete.
    1610Lem. How lead him madam? why hee can go as right
    as you, or any here, and is not blind of eyesight.
    Quee. Of what then?
    Lem. Of reason.
    Quee. Why thou saidest he wanted his cheerfull light.
    1615Lem. Of reason still I meant, whose light you knowe
    should cheerefully guide a worthie King, for he doth loue
    her, and hath forced her into a priuate roome where now
    they are.
    Quee. What mocking chaunges is there in thy wordes
    1620fond man, thou murtherest me with these exclaimes.
    Lem. Why madam tis your fault, you cut mee off be-
    fore my words be halfe done.
    Quee. Forth and vnlade the poyson of thy tongue.
    Lem. Another lord did loue this curious ladie, who hea-
    1625ring that the King had forced her, as she was walking with
    another Earle, ran straightwaies mad for her, and with a
    friend of his, and two or three blacke ruffians more, brake
    desperately vpon the person of the King, swearing to take
    from him, in traiterous fashion, the instrument of procrea-
    1630tion: with them I fought a while,, and got this wound, but
    being vnable to resist so many, came straight to you to fetch
    you to his ayde.
    Lab. Why raised you not the streetes?
    Lem. That I forbore, because I would not haue the
    world
    dayes mirth.
    1635world, to see what a disgrace my liege was subiect to, being
    with a woman in so meane a house.
    Foy. Whose daughter was it that he forst I pray?
    Lem. Your daughter sir.
    La. Whose sonne was that ranne so mad for her?
    1640Lem. Your sonne my Lord.
    La. O Gods, and fiends forbid.
    Co. I pray sir, from whom did he take the Ladie?
    Le. From your good Lord.
    Co. O Lord I beseech thee no.
    1645Le. Tis all too true, come follow the Queen and I, where
    I shall leade you.
    Qu. O wretched Queene, what would they take from
    him?
    Le. The instrument of procreation.
    1650Enter Moren.
    Mo. Now was there euer man so much accurst, that
    when his minde misgaue him, such a man was haplesse, to
    keep him company? yet who would keep him company
    but I, O vilde Lemot, my wife and I are bound to curse thee
    1655while we liue, but chiefely I, well: seeke her, or seek her not;
    find her, or find her not, I were as good see how hell opens,
    as looke vpon her.
    Enter Catalian, and Berger behind him.
    Ca. We haue yfaith, stop thou him there, and I wil meet
    1660him here.
    Mo. Well, I will venture once to seek her.
    Ber. Gods Lord, my Lord, come you this way, why
    your wife runnes ranging like as if she were mad, swearing
    to slit your nose if she can catch you.Exit.
    1665Mo. What shal I do at the sight of her and hern.
    Ca. Gods precious my Lord; come you this way, your
    wife comes ranging with a troope of dames, like Bacchus
    drunken foes, iust as you go, shift for your selfe my Lord.
    Mo. Stay good Catalian.
    1670Ca. No not I my Lord.Exit.
    G Mo. How
    An humorous
    Mo. How now Iaques, whats the newes?
    Enter Iaques.
    Iaq. None but good my Lord.
    Mo. Why hast not seene my wife run round about the
    1675streets.
    Ia. Not I my Lorde, I come to you from my maister,
    who would pray you to speake to Lemot, that Lemot might
    speake to the King, that my masters lottery for his iewells
    may go forward, he hath made the rarest deuice that euer
    1680you heard, we haue fortune in it, and she our maide plaies,
    and I, and my fellow carrie two torches, and our boy goes
    before and speakes a speech, tis very fine yfaith sir.
    Mo. Sirra in this thou maiest highly pleasure me, let me
    haue thy place to beare a torch, that I may look on my wife,
    1685and she not see me, for if I come into her sight abruptly, I
    were better be hanged.
    Ia. O sir you shall, or any thing that I can do, Ile send
    for your wife to.
    Mor. I prethee do.Exeunt both.
    1690Enter the Queene, and all that were in before.
    Le. This is the house where the mad Lord did vow to do
    the deed, draw all your swoords couragious gentlemen, Ile
    bring you there where you shall honor win, but I can tell
    you, you must breake your shinne.
    1695Ca. Who will not breake his necke to saue his King: set
    forward Lemot.
    Le. Yea, much good can I do with a wounded arme,
    Ile go and call more helpe.
    Qu. Others shall go, nay we will raise the streets, better
    1700dishonor, then destroy the King.
    Le. Sbloud I know not how to excuse my villany, I
    would faine be gone.
    Enter Dowsecer, and his friend.
    Dow. Ile geld the adulterous goate, and take from him
    1705the instrument, that plaies him such sweete musicke.
    La. O
    dayes mirth.
    La. O rare, this makes my fiction true: now ile stay.
    Quee. Arrest these faithlesse traitrous gentlemen.
    Dow. What is the reason that you call vs traitours?
    La. Nay, why do you attempt such violence against
    1710the person of the King?
    Dow. Against the King, why this is strange to me.
    Enter the King, and Martia.
    Ki. How now my masters, what? weapons drawne, come
    you to murder me.
    1715Qu. How fares my Lord?
    Ki. How fare I? well, but you yfaith shall get me speak
    for you another time; he got me here to wooe a curious
    Lady, and she temptes him, say what I can, ouer what
    state I will in your behalfe Lemot, she will not yeeld.
    1720Le, Yfaith my liege, what a hard heart hath she, well
    hearke you, I am content your wit shall saue your honesty
    for this once.
    Ki. Peace, a plague on you, peace; but wherefore asked
    you how I did?
    1725Queene. Because I feared that you were hurte my
    Lord.
    Ki. Hurt, how I pray?
    Lem. Why, hurt Madam, I am well againe.
    Quee. Do you aske? why he told me Dowsecer and this
    1730his friend, threatned to take away.
    Ki. To take away, what should they take away.
    Le. Name it Madam.
    Qu. Nay, I pray name it you.
    Le. Why then, thus it was my liege, I told her Dow-
    1735secer, and this his friende threatned to take away, and
    if they could the instrument of procreation, and what
    was that now, but Martia beeing a fayre woman, is
    not shee the instrument of procreation, as all women
    are.
    1740Qu. O wicked man.
    G 2 Lem.
    An humorous
    Le. Go to, go to, you are one of those fiddles too yfaith.
    Ki. Well pardon my minion, that hath frayd you thus,
    twas but to make you mery in the end.
    Qu. I ioy it endes so well, my gracious Lord.
    1745Fo. But say my gracious Lord, is no harme done, be-
    tweene my louing daughter, and your grace?
    Ki. No, of my honor and my soule Foyes.
    Dow. The fire of loue which she hath kindled in me be-
    ing greater then my heate of vanity, hath quite expelled.
    1750Ki. Come Dowsecer, receiue with your lost wittes your
    loue, though lost; I know youle yeeld, my lord and you her
    father.
    Both Most ioyfully my Lord.
    Ki. And for her part I know her dispositiō well enough.
    1755Lem.What, will you haue her?
    Dow.Yea mary will I.
    Le. Ile go and tell Labesha presently.
    Enter Iaquis, and my Host.
    Ia. Monsieur Lemot, I pray let me speake with you, I
    1760come to you from the Lord Moren, who would desire you
    to speake to the King for my masters lottery, and he hath
    my place to beare a torch, for bare faced hee dares not look
    vpon his wife, for his life.
    Le. O excellent, Ile further thy masters lottery and it be
    1765but for this iest only, harke you my liege, heres the poore
    man hath bin at great charges for the preparation of a lotte-
    ry, and he hath made the rarest deuice, that I know you wil
    take great pleasure in it, I pray let him present it before you
    at Valeres house.
    1770Ki. Whith all my heart, can you be ready so soone?
    Host. Presently and if it like your grace.
    Ki. But hearke you Lemot, how shall we do for euery
    mans posie.
    Le. Will you all trust me with the making of them?
    1775All. With all our hearts.
    Le. Why then Ile go to make the poses and bring Labe-
    sha to the lottery presently.
    Enter
    dayes mirth.
    Enter Florila like a Puritan.
    Flo. Surely the world is full of vanitie, a woman must take
    1780heed she do not heare a lewd man speake, for euery woman
    cannot when shee is tempted, when the wicked fiend gets
    her into his snares escape like me, for graces measure is not
    so filled vp, nor so prest downe in euery one as me, but yet I
    promise you a little more: well, Ile go seeke my head, who
    1785shal take me in the gates of his kind armes vntoucht of any.
    King. What Madam are you so pure now?
    Flo. Yea, would not you be pure?
    King. No puritane.
    Flo. You must be then a diuell, I can tell you.
    1790Lab. O wife where hast thou beene?
    Flo. where did I tell you I would be I pray.
    Lab. In thy close walke thou saidst.
    Flo. And was I not?
    Lab. Truly I know not, I neither looked nor knocked,
    1795for Labesha told me that you, and faire Martia were at Ve-
    rones ordinarie.
    Ki. Labesha? my lord you are a wise man to beleeue a fool.
    Flo. Well my good head, for my part I forgiue you: but
    surely you do much offend to be suspicious: where there is
    1800no trust, there is no loue, and where there is no loue twixt
    man and wife, theres no good dealing surely: for as men
    should euer loue their wiues, so should they euer trust thē,
    for what loue is there where there is no trust?
    King. She tels you true, my lord.
    1805Lab. Shee doth my liege; and deare wife pardon this
    and I will neuer be suspicious more.
    Flo. Why I say, I do.
    Enter Lemot, leading Labesha in a halter.
    Lem. Looke you my liege, I haue done simple seruice
    1810amongest you, here is one had hanged himselfe for loue,
    thinking his Mistresse had done so for him: well, see your
    Mistresse liues.
    Labesh. And doth my Mistresse liue?
    G 3 King.
    An humorous
    King. Shee doth, O noble knight, but not your Mi-
    1815stresse now.
    Lab. Sblood, but she shall for me, or for no body else.
    Lem. How now, what a traitor, draw vpon the King.
    Lab. Yea, or vpon any woman here in a good cause.
    King. Well sweete Besha let her marry Dowsecer, Ile get
    1820thee a wife worth fifteene of her, wilt thou haue one that
    cares not for thee?
    Lab. Not I by the Lord, I scorne her, Ile haue her better
    if I can get her.
    King. Why thats well said.
    1825Lem. What Madam, are you turned puritan againe?
    Elo. When was I other, pray?
    Lem. Marie Ile tell you when, when you went to the
    Ordinarie, and when you made false signes to your hus-
    band, which I could tell him all.
    1830Flo. Cursed be he that maketh debate twixt man & wife.
    Lem. O rare scripturian! you haue sealed vp my lips, a
    hall, a hall, the pageant of the Butterie.
    Enter two with torches, the one of them Moren, then my host
    and his son, then his maid drest like Queene For-
    1835tune, with two pots in her hands.
    King. What is he?
    Lem. This is Verones sonne, my liege.
    King. What shall he do?
    Cat. Speak some speach that his father hath made for him
    1840Qu. Why is he good at speeches?
    Cat. O he is rare at speaches.
    Boy. Faire ladies most tender, and nobles most slender,
    and gentles whose wits be scarce.
    Ki. My host, why do you call vs nobles most slender?
    1845Host. And it shall please your Grace, to be slender is to be
    proper, and therfore where my boy saies nobles most slen-
    der, it is as much to say, fine and proper nobles.
    Le. Yea, but why do you call vs gentles whose wits are
    scarce.
    Host
    dayes mirth.
    1850Host. To be scarce, is to be rare: and therefore where as
    he sayes Gentles whose wits be scarce, is as much as to say,
    Gentles whose wits be rare.
    Lem. Well, forwards trunchman.
    Boy. Faire ladies most tender, and nobles most slender,
    1855and gentles whose wittes bee scarce, Queene Fortune
    doth come with her trumpe, and her drumme, as it may ap-
    peare by my voice.
    Lab. Come hither, are you a schoolemaister, where was
    Fortune Queene, of what countrey or kingdome?
    1860Host. Wy sir, Fortune was Queene ouer all the world.
    Lab. Thats a lie, theres none that euer conquered all the
    world, but maister Alisander, I am sure of that.
    Lem. O rare Monsieur Labesha, who would haue thought
    hee could haue found so rare a fault in the speach.
    1865Host. Ile alter it if it please your grace.
    King. No, tis very well.
    Boy. Father I must begin againe they interrupt me so.
    Ho. I beseech your grace giue the boy leaue to begin again.
    King. With all my heart, tis so good we cannot heare
    1870it too oft.
    Boy. Faire ladies most tender, and nobles most slender,
    and gentles whose wittes are scarce, Queene Fortune doth
    come with her Fife, and her Drum, as it doth appeare by
    my voice, here is Fortune good, but il by the rood, and this
    1875naught but good shall do you, dealing the lots out of our
    pots, and so good Fortune to you sir.
    Lem. Looke you my liege, how hee that caries the torch
    trembles extreamly.
    Kin. I warrant tis with care to carie his torch well.
    1880Lem. Nay there is something else in the wind: why my
    host, what meanes thy man Iaques to tremble so?
    Host. Hold still thou knaue, what art thou afraid to looke
    vpon the goodly presence of a king: hold vp for shame.
    Lem. Alas poore man, he thinks tis Iaques his man: poore
    1885lord, how much is he bound to suffer for his wife?
    King.
    An humorous
    King Hearke you mine host, what goodly person is that?
    is it Fortune her selfe?
    Host. Ile tell your Maiestie in secrete who it is, it is my
    maide Iaquena.
    1890King. I promise you she becomes her state rarely.
    Lem. Well my liege, you were all content that I should
    make your poses: well here they be euery one: giue Ma-
    ster Verone his fiue crownes.
    King. Theres mine and the Queenes.
    1895Labesh. Theirs ours.
    Dow. And there is mine and Martias.
    Lem. Come Labesha thy money.
    Lab You must lend me some, for my boy is runne away
    with my purse.
    1900Le. Thy boy? I neuer knew any that thou hadst.
    Lab. Had not I a boy three or foure yeares ago, and he
    ran away.
    Lem. And neuer since he went thou hadst not a peny,
    but stand by, Ile excuse you. But sirrah Catalian, thou shalt
    1905stand on one side and reade the prises, and I will stand on
    the other and read the Poses.
    Cat. Content Lemot.
    Lem. Come on Queene Fortune, tell euery man his
    posie, this is orderly, the King and Queene are first.
    1910King. Come let vs see what goodly poses you haue gi-
    uen vs.
    Lem. This is your Maiesties, At the fairest, so it bee not
    Martia.
    King. A plague vpon you, you are still playing the vil-
    1915laines with me.
    Le. This is the Queenes, Obey the Queene: and she
    speakes it to her husband, or to Fortune, which she will.
    Cat. A prise: your Maiesties is the summe of foure shil-
    lings in gold
    1920King. Why how can that be, there is no such coyne.
    Host. Here is the worth of it, if it please your grace.
    Quee.
    dayes mirth.
    Quee. Well, whats for me?
    Ca. A heart of gold.
    Quee. A goodly iewell.
    1925Le. Count Laberuele and Florila.
    La. Whats my posie sir I pray?
    Le. Mary this my Lord,
    Of all fortunes friends, that hath ioy in this life,
    He is most happy that puts a sure trust in his wife.
    1930La. A very good one sir, I thanke you for it.
    Flo. Whats mine I pray?
    Le. Mary this Madam,
    Good fortune be thou my good fortune bringer,
    And make me amends for my poore bitten finger.
    1935La. Who bit your finger wife?
    Flo. No body; tis vaine posie.
    Ca. Blanke for my lord Laberuele, for his wife a posie,
    a paire of holy beades with a crucifix.
    Flo. O bommination Idole, Ile none of them.
    1940Ki. Keepe them thy self Veron, she will not haue them.
    Le. Dowsecer and Martia I haue fitted your lordship
    for a posie.
    Dow. Why what is it?
    Le. Ante omnia vna.
    1945Ma. And what is mine sir?
    Le. A serious one I warrant you change: for the better.
    Ma. Thats not amisse.
    Ca. A price: Dowsecer hath a cats eyes or Mercuries rod
    of gold, set with Iacinths and Emeralds.
    1950Dow. What is for Martia?
    Ca. Martia hath the two serpents heades set with Dia-
    monds.
    Le. What my host Uerone?
    Ki. What? is he in for his owne iewells.
    1955Le. O what els my liege, tis our bountie, and his posie is
    To tel you the truth in words plaine and mild,
    Verone loues his maide, and she is great with child.
    H Ki. What
    An humorous
    Ki. What Queene fortune with child, shall we haue
    yong fortunes my host?
    1960Host. I am abused, and if it please your Maiestie.
    Maid. Ile play no more.
    Lem. No faith you need not now, you haue plaid your
    bellie full alreadie.
    Host. Stand still good Iaquena, they do but ieast.
    1965Maid. Yea, but I like no such ieasting.
    Lem. Come great Queene Fortune, let see your posies,
    what madam, alas, your ladiship is one of the last.
    Coun. What is my posie sir I pray?
    Lem. Marie Madam your posie is made in maner and
    1970forme of an Eccho, as if you were seeking your husbande,
    and fortune should be the Eccho, and this you say: where is
    my husband hid so long vnmaskt, maskt? sayes the Eccho,
    but in what place sweete Fortune? let me heare: heare sayes
    the Eccho.
    1975King. There you lie Eccho, for if he were here we must
    needes see him.
    Lem. Indeed sweete King, there me thinkes the Eccho
    must needes lie, if hee were here wee must needes see him,
    tis one of thē that caries the torches: no that cannot be nei-
    1980ther, and yet by the Masse heres Iaques, why my host, did
    not you tell me that Iaques should be a torchbearer: who
    is this? Gods my life, my lord.
    Mor. And you be Gentlemen let me go.
    Coun. Nay come your way, you may be well enough a-
    1985shamed to shew your face that is a periured wretch, did
    not you sweare, if there were any wenches at the ordinarie,
    you yould straight come home.
    King. Why, who tolde you Madam, there were any
    there?
    1990Coun. He that will stand to it, Lemot my liege.
    Lem. who I stand to it, alas, I tolde you in kindnesse,
    and good will, because I would not haue you companie
    long from your husband.
    Mor.
    dayes mirth.
    Mor. Why loe you bird, how much you are deceiued.
    1995Co. Why wherefore were you afraid to be seene?
    Mor. Who I afraid? alas I bore a torch to grace this
    honorable presence, for nothing els sweete bird.
    King. Thanks good Moren, see lady with what wrong
    you haue pursued your most inamored lord: but come now
    2000al are friends, now is this day spent with an hurtfull motiues
    of delight, and ouer ioyes more my senses at the night: and
    now for Dowsecer, if all will follow my deuise, his beauteous
    loue and he shal married be, and here I solemnly inuite you
    all home to my court, where with feastes wee will crowne
    2005this myrthfull day, and vow it to renowne.
    2005.1FINIS.
    LONDON
    Printed by Valentine Simmes.
    1599.
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