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  • Title: An Humorous Day's Mirth (Modern)
  • Editor: Eleanor Lowe
  • ISBN: 978-1-55058-513-1

    Copyright Digital Renaissance Editions. This text may be freely used for educational, non-profit purposes; for all other uses contact the Editor.
    Author: George Chapman
    Editor: Eleanor Lowe
    Peer Reviewed

    An Humorous Day's Mirth (Modern)

    424.1[Scene 5]
    425Enter Labesha hanging upon Martia’s sleeve, and the Lord Moren comes to them.
    Moren
    I prithee, Besha, keep a little off.
    Hang not upon her shoulders thus for shame.
    Labesha
    My Lord, pardonnez-moi, I must not let her talk alone 430with anyone, for her father gave me charge.
    Moren
    Oh, you are a goodly charger for a goose.
    Labesha
    A goose! You are a gander to call me goose. I am a Christian gentleman as well as you.
    Moren
    Well, sirrah, get you hence, or by my troth I’ll have 435thee taken out in a blanket, tossed from forth our hearing.
    Labesha
    In a blanket? What, do you make a puppy of me? By skies and stones, I will go and tell your lady.
    Exit.
    Moren
    Nay, but Besha —
    Martia
    Nay, he will tell, my lord.
    440Enter the Countess Moren and Labesha.
    Countess
    Why, how now, my lord. What, thought you I was dead, that you are wooing of another thus, or are you laying plots to work my death?
    Moren
    Why neither, sweet bird. What need you move 445these questions unto me, whom you know loves you above all the women in the world?
    Countess
    How he can flatter now he hath made a fault.
    Labesha
    He can do little, an he cannot cog.
    Moren
    Out, you ass.
    450Countess
    Well, come tell me what you did entreat.
    Moren
    Nothing, by heaven, sweet bird, I swear, but to entreat her love —
    Countess
    But to entreat her love!
    Moren
    Nay, hear me out.
    455Countess
    Nay here you are out. You are out too much, methinks, and put me in —
    Moren
    And put you in?
    Countess
    In a fair taking, sir, I mean.
    Moren
    Oh, you may see what hasty taking is. You women 460evermore scramble for our words, and never take them mannerly from our mouths.
    Countess
    Come, tell me what you did entreat.
    Moren
    I did entreat her love to Colinet.
    Countess
    To Colinet? Oh, he is your dear cousin, and your 465kind heart, i’faith, is never well but when you are doing good for every man. Speak, do you love me?
    Moren
    I’faith, sweet bird.
    Countess
    Best of all others?
    Moren
    Best of all others.
    470Countess
    That’s my good bird, i’faith.
    Labesha
    Oh, mistress, will you love me so?
    Martia
    No, by my troth, will I not.
    Labesha
    ‘No, by my troth, will I not’? Why, that’s well said. I could never get her to flatter me yet.
    475Enter Lemot, Blanvel, and Catalian, and Colinet.
    Lemot
    Good morrow, my good lord, and these passing lovely ladies.
    Countess
    So now we shall have all manner of flattering with Monsieur Lemot.
    480Lemot
    You are all manner of ways deceived, madam, for I am so far from flattering you, that I do not a whit praise you.
    Countess
    Why do you call us passing lovely then?
    Lemot
    Because you are passing from your loveliness.
    485Martia
    Madam, we shall not have one mot of Monsieur Lemot, but it shall be as it were a moat to drown all our conceit in admiration.
    Lemot
    See what a mote her quick eye can spy in mine, before she looks in it.
    490Martia
    So mote I thee, thine answer is as good as mought be.
    Lemot
    Here’s a poor name run out of breath quickly.
    Countess
    Why, Monsieur Lemot, your name is run out of breath at every word you speak.
    495Lemot
    That’s because my name signifies ‘word’.
    Martia
    Well hit, Monsieur Verbum.
    Lemot
    What, are you good at Latin, lady?
    Martia
    No, sir, but I know what verbum is.
    Lemot
    Why, ’tis green bum: vert is green, and you know 500what bum is, I am sure of that.
    Martia
    No, sir, ’tis a verb, and I can decline you.
    Lemot
    That you can, I’ll be sworn.
    Martia
    What can I do?
    Lemot
    Decline me, or take me a hole lower, as the 505proverb is.
    Martia
    Nay, sir, I mean plain grammatical declination.
    Lemot
    Well, let’s hear your scholarship, and decline me.
    Martia
    I will, sir, moto, motas.
    Labesha
    Oh excellent! She hath called him ass in Latin.
    510Lemot
    Well, sir, forward.
    Martia
    Nay, there’s enough to try both our scholarships
    Lemot
    Moto, motas. Nay, faith, forward to motavi, or motandi.
    Martia
    Nay, sir, I’ll leave when I am well.
    Countess
    Why, Monsieur Lemot, your name being in word 515general, is in ninny, or in hammer, or in cock, or in buzzard.
    Lemot
    Or in wagtail, or in woodcock, or in dotterel, or in dizzard.
    Martia
    Or in clot, or in head, or in cow, or in baby.
    Lemot
    Or in malkin, or in trash, or in pap, or in lady.
    520Countess
    Or, indeed, in everything.
    Lemot
    Why, then ’tis in thing.
    Martia
    Then, good Monsieur Thing, there let it rest.
    Lemot
    Then, above all things, I must have a word with you.
    525Labesha
    Hands off, sir, she is not for your mowing.
    Lemot
    She is for your mocking.
    Labesha
    An she mock me, I’ll tell her father.
    Lemot
    That’s a good child, thou smellest of the mother, and she was a fool, I warrant you.
    530Labesha
    Meddle with me, but do not meddle with my mother.
    Lemot
    That’s a good child. [To Martia] Come, I must needs have a word with you.
    [They withdraw.]
    Labesha
    You shall do none of your needs with her, sir.
    535Catalian
    Why, what will you do?
    Labesha
    What will I do? You shall see what I’ll do.
    Then he offereth to draw [his sword].
    Blanvel
    Go to, you ass! Offer to draw here, and we’ll draw thee out of the house by the heels.
    Labesha
    What, three against one? Now was ever proper 540hard-favoured gentleman so abused?
    Go to, Mistress Martia, I see you well enough. Are you not ashamed to stand talking alone with such a one as he?
    Lemot
    How, sir? With such a one as I, sir?
    545Labesha
    Yea, sir, with such a one as you, sir.
    Lemot
    Why, what am I?
    Labesha
    What are you, sir? Why, I know you well enough.
    Lemot
    Sirrah, tell me what you know me for, or else by heaven I’ll make thee better thou hadst never known how to 550speak.
    Labesha
    Why, sir, if you will needs know, I know you for an honourable gentleman and the King’s minion, and were it not to you, there’s ne’er a gentleman in Paris should have had her out of my hands.
    555Martia
    Nay, he’s as tall a gentleman of his hands as any is in Paris.
    Colinet
    There’s a favour for you, sir.
    Lemot
    But I can get no favour for you, sir.
    Blanvel
    I pray, my lord, entreat for your cousin Colinet.
    560Moren
    Alas, man, I dare not for my wife.
    Catalian
    Why, my lord, she thinks it is for nothing, but to speak for your cousin.
    Moren
    I pray you, bird, give me leave to speak for my cousin.
    565Countess
    I am content for him.
    Moren
    Then one word with you more, courteous Lady Martia.
    Labesha
    Not an you were my father!
    Moren
    Gentlemen, for God’s sake thrust this ass out of the 570doors.
    [Moren moves to Martia.]
    Lemot
    Nay, by’rlady, he’ll run home and tell her father.
    Catalian
    Well, go to her. I warrant he shall not trouble you. [To Labesha] Kind gentleman, how we dote on thee. Embrace him, 575gentlemen.
    Blanvel
    Oh, sweet Besha, how we honour thee.
    Colinet
    Nay gentlemen, look what a piercing eye he hath.
    Labesha
    An eye? I have an eye an it were a pole-cat.
    580Catalian
    Nay, look what a nose he hath.
    Labesha
    My nose is neat crimson.
    Blanvel
    Nay, look what a handsome man he is. O Nature, Nature,
    Thou never madest man of so pure a feature.
    585Labesha
    Truly, truly, gentlemen, I do not deserve this kindness.
    Catalian
    Oh lord, sir, you are too modest. Come shall we walk?
    Labesha
    Whither? To the alehouse?
    590Lemot
    Hark you, madam, have you no more care of the right of your husband, than to let him talk thus affectionately with another?
    Countess
    Why, he speaks not for himself, but for his cousin Colinet.
    595Lemot
    God’s my life! He tells you so. Nay, an these excuses may serve I have done.
    Countess
    By the mass, now I observe him, he looks very suspiciously indeed. Ne’er trust me if his lookes and his gesture do not plainly show himself to swear, ‘By this 600light, I do love thee’.
    Lemot
    By’rlady, madam, you guess shrewdly indeed. But hark you, madam, I pray let not me be the author of discord between my good lord and you.
    Countess
    No, no, Monsieur Lemot, I were blind if I could 605not see this. I’ll slit her nose, by Jesus.
    [Starting for Martia.]
    Moren
    How now, what’s the matter?
    Countess
    What’s the matter? If I could come at your mistress, she should know what’s the matter.
    Moren
    My mistress?
    610Countess
    Yea, your mistress. Oh, here’s fair dissimulation! [To Martia] Oh, ye impudent gossip, do I send for you to my house to make you my companion, and do you use me thus? Little dost thou know what ’tis to love a man truly, for if thou didst, thou wouldst be ashamed to wrong me so.
    615Martia
    You wrong me, madam, to say I wrong you.
    Countess
    Go to, get you out of my house.
    Martia
    I am gone, madam.
    [Makes as if to leave.]
    Moren
    Well, come in, sweet bird and I’ll persuade thee there’s no harm done.
    620Countess
    Well, we shall hear your persuasions.
    [Exeunt Countess and Moren.]
    Lemot
    Well, God knows and I can partly guess what he must do to persuade her. Well, take your fair charge, fair and manly Lord Monsieur Labesha.
    Colinet
    One word with you more, fair lady.
    625Lemot
    Not a word. No man on pain of death, not a word. He comes upon my rapier’s point, that comes within forty foot on her.
    Labesha
    Thanks, good Lemot, and thanks gentlemen all, and her father shall thank you.
    [Exeunt Labesha and Martia.]
    630Colinet
    Much good do it you, sir. Come, gentlemen, let’s go wait upon the King, and see the humour of the young Lord Dowsecer.
    Lemot
    Excuse me to the King, and tell him I will meet 635him there.
    [Exeunt Colinet, Catalian and Blanvel.]
    So, this is but the beginning of sport between this fine lord and his old lady. But this wench Martia hath happy stars reigned at the disposition of her beauty, for the King himself doth mightily dote on her. Now to my Puritan, and see if I can make up my full proof of her.
    [Exit.]