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- Edition: An Humorous Day's Mirth
An Humorous Day's Mirth (Modern)
- Introduction
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195.1[Scene 4]
4.3Than might suffice health.
4.6That will ask time that might be better spent.
[Picks up jewels] Jewels?
4.9How should these come here?
Good morrow, lovely wife. What hast thou there?
Jewels, my lord, which here I strangely found.
That始s strange indeed. What, where none comes
4.16Or else do fairies haunt this holy green,
Fairies were but in times of ignorance,
4.22For such fantastical and fruitless jewels,
4.26Bowing my body to an idle work.
4.29In the highway.
You are too curious, wife. Behold your jewels.
4.31.1Then he reads.
4.36Wonderful rare and witty, nay, divine.
4.38What is this other?
4.42I think, did ever utter such conceit
Vain poetry. I pray you burn them, sir.
You are to blame, wife. Heaven hath sent you them
4.48Why there is difference in all estates
4.49By all religion.
233Florila
There is no difference.
I prithee, wife, be of another mind
A velvet hood! O vain devilish device!
4.55Diogenes did cast away his dish
Sure, wife, I think thy keeping always close,
Sure, my lord, if I thought I should be rid
4.65Which was for procreation, I should sin,
4.68And therefore if it please you I始ll use resort.
[Aside] God始s my passion, what have I done? Who would 251have thought her pureness would yield so soon to courses252 of temptations? [Aloud] Nay, hark you, wife, I am not sure that 253going abroad will cause fruitfulness in you. That, you know, 254none knows but God himself.
I know, my lord, 始tis true, but the lawful means must 256still be used.
Yea, the lawful means indeed must still, but now I 258remember that lawful means is not abroad.
Well, well, I始ll keep the house still.
Nay, hark you, lady, I would not have you think — 261marry, I must tell you this, if you should change the manner of 262your life, the world would think you changed religion too.
始Tis true, I will not go.
Nay, if you have a fancy.
Yea, a fancy, but that始s no matter.
Indeed, fancies are not for judicial and religious women.
God save your lordship, and you, most religious lady.
Sir, you may say God save us well indeed
270That thus are thrust upon in private walks.
A slender thrust, sir, where I touched you not.
Well, sir, what is your business?
Why, sir, I have a message to my lady from Monsieur274 du Barte.
To ‘your lady始? Well, sir, speak your mind to ‘your lady始.
You are very welcome, sir, and I pray how doth he?
In health, madam, thanks be to God, commending 278his duty to your ladyship, and hath sent you a message which 279I would desire your honour to hear in private.
‘My ladyship始, and ‘my honor始! They be words which I 281must have you leave. They be idle words, and you shall 282answer for them truly. ‘My duty to you始, or ‘I desire you始, 283were a great deal better than ‘my ladyship始, or ‘my honour始.
I thank you for your Christian admonition.
Nay, thank God for me. Come, I will hear your 286message with all my heart, and you are very welcome, sir.
[Aside] ‘With all my heart, and you are very welcome, sir始, and 288go and talk with a young lusty fellow able to make a man始s 289hair stand upright on his head! What purity is there in this, 290trow you? Ha, what wench of the faculty could have been 291more forward? Well, sir, I will know your message. [Aloud] You, sir, 292you, sir, what says the holy man, sir? Come, tell true, for by 293heaven or hell I will have it out.
Why you shall, sir, if you be so desirous.
Nay, sir, I am more than so desirous. Come, sir, study 296not for a new device now.
Not I, my lord, this is both new and old. I am a scholar, 298and being spiritually inclined by your lady始s most godly 299life, I am to profess the ministry and to become her chaplain, 300 to which end Monsieur du Barte hath commended me.
Her chaplain, in the Devil始s name, fit to be vicar 302of hell!
My good head, what are you afraid of? He comes with 304a godly and neighbourly suit. What, think you his words or his 305looks can tempt me? Have you so little faith? If every word he 306spake were a serpent as subtle as that which tempted Eve, he 307cannot tempt me, I warrant you.
Well answered for him, lady, by my faith. Well, hark you, 309I始ll keep your chaplain始s place yonder for a while, and at 310length put in one myself.
4.95.1Enter Lemot.
4.96What, more yet? God始s my passion, 311whom do I see? The very imp of desolation, the minion of our 312King, whom no man sees to enter his house but he 313locks up his wife, his children, and his maids, for 314where he goes he carries his house upon his head like a 315snail. Now, sir, I hope your business is to me.
No, sir, I must crave a word with my lady.
These words are intolerable, and she shall hear no more.
She must hear me speak.
Must she, sir? Have you brought the King始s warrant 320for it?
I have brought that which is above kings.
Why, every man for her sake is a Puritan. The Devil 323I think will shortly turn Puritan, or the Puritan will 324turn devil.
What have you brought, sir?
Marry this, madam. You know we ought to prove 327one another始s constancy, and I am come in all chaste and 328honourable sort to prove your constancy.
You are very welcome, sir, and I will abide your 330proof. It is my duty to abide your proof.
You始ll bide his proof? It is your duty to bide his 332proof! How the devil will you bide his proof?
My good head, no otherwise than before your face 334in all honourable and religious sort. I tell you I am constant 335to you, and he comes to try whether I be so or no, which I 336must endure. Begin your proof, sir.
Nay, madam, not in your husband始s hearing, though in 338his sight, for there is no woman will show she is tempted 339from her constancy, though she be a little. Withdraw yourself,340 sweet lady.
4.108.1[They withdraw.]
[Aside] Well, I will see though I do not hear. Women may 342be courted without offence, so they resist the courtier.
Dear and most beautiful lady, of all the sweet honest344 and honourable means to prove the purity of a lady始s 345constancy, kisses are the strongest. I will therefore be bold 346to begin my proof with a kiss.
No, sir, no kissing.
No kissing, madam? How shall I prove you then sufficiently349 not using the most sufficient proof? To flatter yourself 350by affection of spirit, when it is not perfectly tried, is sin.
You say well, sir. That which is truth is truth.
Then do you well, lady, and yield to the truth.
By your leave, sir, my husband sees. Peradventure 354it may breed an offence to him.
How can it breed an offence to your husband to 356see your constancy perfectly tried?
You are an odd man, I see. But first, I pray, tell me 358how kissing is the best proof of chaste ladies.
To give you a reason for that, you must give me 360leave to be obscure and philosophical.
I pray you be. I love philosophy well.
Then thus, madam: every kiss is made, as the 363voice is, by imagination and appetite, and as both those are 364presented to the ear in the voice, so are they to the silent 365spirits in our kisses.
To what spirit mean you?
To the spirits of our blood.
What if it do?
Why then, my imagination and mine appetite 370working upon your ears in my voice, and upon your spirits371 in my kisses, piercing therein the more deeply, they 372give the stronger assault against your constancy.
Why then, to say, ‘prove my constancy始, is as much 374as to say, ‘kiss me始.
Most true, rare lady.
Then prove my constancy.
Believe me, madam, you gather exceeding wittily 378 upon it.
4.128.1[Kisses her]
Oh my forehead, my very heart aches at a blow! [Aloud] 380What dost thou mean, wife? Thou wilt lose thy fame, 381discredit thy religion, and dishonour me forever.
Away, sir, I will abide no more of your proof, nor 383endure any more of your trial.
Oh, she dares not, she dares not. I am as glad I have 385tried your purity as may be. You, the most constant lady 386in France? I know an hundred ladies in this town that 387will dance, revel all night amongst gallants, and in the 388morning go to bed to her husband as clear a woman as if she 389were new christened, kiss him, embrace him, and say, ‘no, 390no, husband, thou art the man始, and he takes her for the 391woman.
And all this can I do.
Take heed of it, wife.
Fear not, my good head, I warrant you, for 395him.
Nay, madam, triumph not before the victory. 397How can you conquer that against which you never 398strive, or strive against that which never encounters you? 399To live idle in this walk, to enjoy this company, to wear 400this habit, and have no more delights than those will 401afford you, is to make Virtue an idle housewife, and to hide 402herself in slothful cobwebs that still should be 403adorned with actions of victory. No, madam, if you will 404unworthily prove your constancy to your husband, you must 405put on rich apparel, fare daintily, hear music, read 406sonnets, be continually courted, kiss, dance, feast, revel 407all night amongst gallants. Then if you come to bed to 408your husband with a clear mind and a clear body, then 409are your virtues ipsissima, then have you passed the full test 410of experiment, and you shall have an hundred gallants 411fight thus far in blood for the defence of your 412reputation.
O vanity of vanities!
Oh husband, this is perfect trial indeed.
And you will try all this now, will you not?
Yea, my good head, for it is written, we must pass 417to perfection through all temptation, Habbakuk the fourth.
Habbakuk? Cuck me no cucks! In a始 doors, I 419say. Thieves, Puritans, murderers! In a始 doors, I 420say.
4.140.1Exit [with Florila].
So now is he stark mad, i始faith. But, sirrah, as this is an 422old lord jealous of his young wife, so is ancient Countess 423Moren jealous of her young husband. We始ll thither to have 424some sport, i始faith.
4.141.1Exeunt.