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- Edition: An Humorous Day's Mirth
An Humorous Day's Mirth (Modern)
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1473.1[Scene 11]
Well, gentlemen, I am utterly undone without 1477your good helps. It is reported that I received certain 1478ladies or gentlewomen into my house. Now, here始s my man, my 1479maid, and my boy. [To them] Now, if you saw any, speak boldly before 1480these gentlemen.
I saw none, sir.
Nor I, by my maidenhead.
Nor I, as I am a man.
Well, my host, we始ll go answer for your house at 1485this time, but if at other times you have had wenches, and 1486would not let us know it, we are the less beholding to you.
Peradventure the more beholding to him, but 1489I lay my life Lemot hath devised some jest. He gave 1490us the slip before dinner.
Well, gentlemen, since we are so fitly met, I始ll tell 1492you an excellent subject for a fit of mirth, an if it be well 1493handled.
Why, what is it?
Why man, Labesha is grown marvellous malcontent1496 upon some amorous disposition of his mistress, and 1497you know he loves a mess of cream and a spice-cake with 1498his heart, and I am sure he hath not dined today, and he hath 1499taken on him the humour of the young Lord Dowsecer, and 1500we will set a mess of cream, a spice-cake, and a spoon, 1501as the armour, picture, and apparel was set in the way of 1502Dowsecer, which I doubt not but will work a rare cure 1503upon his melancholy.
Why, this is excellent. I始ll go fetch the cream.
And I the cake.
And I the spoon.
See where he comes, as like the Lord Dowsecer as 1509may be. Now you shall hear him begin with some Latin 1510sentence that he hath remembered ever since he read his 1511accidence.
Felix quem faciunt aliena pericula cautum. Oh, silly state 1514of things, for things they be that cause this silly state. And 1515what is a thing? A bauble, a toy, that stands men in small stead.
11.14.1He spies the cream.
But what have we here? What vanities have we here?
[Aside to all but Labesha] He is strongly tempted, the Lord strengthen him. 1518See what a vein he hath.
Oh, cruel fortune, and dost thou spit thy spite at my 1520poor life? But oh, sour cream, what thinkest thou that I 1521love thee still? No, no, fair and sweet is my mistress. If thou 1522hadst strawberries and sugar in thee — but it may be thou 1523art set with stale cake to choke me. Well, taste it, and try it, [He starts to eat.] 1524spoonful by spoonful: bitterer and bitterer still. But oh, 1525sour cream, wert thou an onion. Since Fortune set thee 1527for me, I will eat thee, and I will devour thee in spite of 1528Fortune始s spite.
11.18Choke I, or burst I, mistress, for thy sake,
[Aside to all but Labesha] So he hath done. His melancholy is well eased, I 1531warrant you.
[Advancing] God始s my life, gentlemen, who hath been at this 1533cream?
Cream, had you cream? Where is your cream? 1535I始ll spend my penny at your cream.
Why, did not you eat this cream?
Talk not to me of cream, for such vain meat
11.26.1[He starts to leave.]
Nay, stay, Labesha.
No, not I, not I.
11.28.1[Exit.]
Oh, he is ashamed, i始faith. But I will tell thee how 1543thou shalt make him mad indeed: say his mistress for love 1544of him hath drowned herself.
始Sblood, that will make him hang himself.