Digital Renaissance Editions

Author: George Chapman
Editor: Eleanor Lowe
Peer Reviewed

An Humorous Day's Mirth (Modern)

1386.1[Scene 10]
Enter Labervele, Foyes, Labesha, and the Countess.
Labervele
[Knocking at door] Where be these puritans, these murderers? Let me 1390come in here.
Foyes
Where is the strumpet?
Countess
Where is this harlot? Let us come in here.
Labervele
What shall we do? The streets do wonder at us,
And we do make our shame known to the world.
Let us go and 1395complain us to the King.
Foyes
Come, Labesha, will you go?
Labesha
No, no, I scorn to go. No king shall hear my plaint.
I will in silence live a man forlorn,
Mad, and melancholy as a cat
And never more wear hat-band on my hat.
[Exeunt.]
1400Enter Moren and Martia.
Moren
What dost thou mean? Thou must not hang on me.
Martia
Oh, good Lord Moren, have me home with you.
You may excuse all to my father for me.
1405Enter Lemot.
Lemot
Oh, my lord, be not so rude to leave her now.
Moren
Alas, man, an if my wife should see it, I were undone.
[Exeunt Moren and Martia.]
Enter the King and another.
Pursue them, sirs, and taking Martia from him,
Convey her presently to Valere’s house.
[Exeunt the King and another.]
Enter [Florila] the Puritan to Lemot.
Florila
What villain was it that hath uttered this?
Lemot
Why, ’twas even I. I thank you for your gentle 1415terms. You give me villain at the first. I wonder where’s this old doter? What, doth he think we fear him?
Florila
Oh, monstrous man. What, wouldst thou have him take us?
Lemot
Would I, quoth you? Yea, by my troth would I. I know 1420he is but gone to call the constable or to raise the streets.
Florila
What means the man, trow? Is he mad?
Lemot
No, no, I know what I do, I do it of purpose. I long to see him come and rail at you, to call you harlot, and to spurn you too. Oh, you’ll love me a great deal the 1425better. And yet, let him come, and if he touch but one thread of you, I’ll make that thread his poison.
Florila
I know not what to say.
Lemot
Speak, do you love me?
Florila
Yea, surely do I.
1430Lemot
Why, then have not I reason that love you so dearly as I do, to make you hateful in his sight that I might more freely enjoy you.
Florila
Why, let us be gone, my kind Lemot, and not be wondered at in the open streets.
1435Lemot
I’ll go with you through fire, through death, through hell.
Come, give me your own hand, my own dear heart,
This hand that I adore and reverence,
And loath to have it touch an old man’s bosom.
Oh, let me sweetly kiss it.
He bites.
1440Florila
Out on thee, wretch. He hath bit me to the bone.
Oh, barbarous cannibal. Now I perceive
Thou wilt make me a mocking-stock to all the world.
Lemot
Come, come, leave your passions, they cannot move me. My father and my mother died both in a day, 1445and I rung me a peal for them, and they were no sooner brought to the church and laid in their graves, but I fetched me two or three fine capers aloft and took my leave of them, as men do of their mistresses at the ending of a galliard. Beso las manos.
1450Florila
Oh, brutish nature, how accurst was I ever to endure the sound of this damned voice.
Lemot
Well, an you do not like my humour, I can be but sorry for it. I bit you for good will, an if you accept it, so; if no, go.
1455Florila
Villain, thou didst it in contempt of me.
Lemot
Well, an you take it so, so be it. Hark you, madam, your wisest course is even to become Puritan again. Put off this vain attire, and say, ‘I have despised all, thanks my God. Good husband, I do love thee in the Lord’, and he 1460(good man) will think all this you have done was but to show thou couldst govern the world, and hide thee as a rainbow doth a storm. My dainty wench, go go. What, shall the flattering words of a vain man make you forget your duty to your husband? Away, repent, amend your life. 1465You have discredited your religion forever.
Florila
Well, wretch, for this foul shame thou puttest on me, the curse of all affection light on thee.
Exit.
Lemot
Go, Habbakuk, go. Why, this is excellent. I shall shortly become a schoolmaster, to whom men will put their 1470wives to practise. Well, now will I go set the Queen upon the King, and tell her where he is close with his wench. And he that mends my humour, take the spurs. Sit fast, for by heaven, I’ll jerk the horse you ride on.
[Exit.]