Digital Renaissance Editions

Author: Thomas Dekker
Editor: Joost Daalder
Not Peer Reviewed

The Honest Whore, Part 2 (Quarto 1, 1630)

Enter Matheo, Orlando, and Lodouico.
Mat. Let who will come (my Noble Shauileir) I can but
play the kind Hoast, and bid vm welcome.
2185Lod. We'll trouble your house (Matheo) but as Dutchmen
doe in Tauernes (drinke, be merry, and be gone.)
Orl. Indeed if you be right Dutchmen, if you fall to drink-
ing, you must be gone.
Mat. The worst is, my wife is not at home; but we'll flie
2190hie (my generous Knight) for all that: there's no Musike
when a woman is in the consort.
Orl. No, for she's like a paire of Virginals,
Alwaies with Iackes at her taile.
Enter Astolfo, Carolo, Beraldo, Fontinell.
2195Lod. See, the Couy is sprung.
Omnes. Saue you Gallants.
Mat. Happily encounterd, sweet bloods.
Lod. Gentlemen, you all know Signior Candido, the Linnen
Draper, he that's more patient then a browne Baker, vpon
2200the day when he heates his Ouen, and has forty Scolds a-
bout him.
Omnes. Yes, we know him all, what of him?
Lod. Wud it not be a good fit of mirth, to make a piece
of English cloth of him, and to stretch him on the Tainters,
2205till the threds of his owne naturall humor cracke, by ma-
king him drinke healths, Tobacco, dance, sing bawdy songs,
or to run any bias according as we thinke good to cast him?
Car.
The Honest Whore.
Car. 'Twere a Morris dance worth the seeing.
Ast. But the old Fox is so crafty, we shall hardly hunt out
2210of his den.
Mat. To that traine I ha giuen fire already; and the hook
to draw him hither, is to see certaine pieces of Lawne,
which I told him I haue to sell, and indeed haue such: fetch
them downe, Pacheco.
2215Orl. Yes, sir, I'm your Water-spanniell, and will fetch any
thing: but Ile fetch one dish of meat anon, shall turne your stomacke, and that's a Constable. Exit.
Enter Bots vshering Mistris Horsleach.
Omnes. How now? how now?
2220Car. What Gally-foist is this?
Lod. Peace, two dishes of stew'd prunes, a Bawde and a
Pander. My worthy Lieutenant Bots; why, now I see th'art
a man of thy word, welcome; welcome Mistris Horsleach:
Pray Gentlemen, salute this reuerend Matron.
2225Hors. Thankes to all your Worships.
Lod. I bade a Drawer send in wine too: did none come
along with thee (Grannam) but the Lieutenant?
Hors. None came along with me but Bots, if it like your
Worship.
2230Bots. Who the pox should come along with you but Bots?
Enter two Uintners.
Omnes. Oh braue! march faire.
Lod. Are you come? that's well.
Mat. Here's Ordnance able to sacke a Citty.
2235Lod. Come, repeat, read this Inuentory.
1. Uint. Imprimis, a pottle of Greeke wine, a pottle of
Peter sa meene, a pottle of Charnico, and a pottle of Zi-
attica.
Lod. Y'are paid?
22402. Uint. Yes Sir. Exeunt Vintners.
Mat. So shall some of vs be anon, I feare.
Bots. Here's a hot day towards: but zounds, this is the
life
The Honest Whore.
life out of which a Soldier sucks sweetnesse, when this Ar-
tillery goes off roundly, some must drop to the ground: Can-
2245non, Demy-cannon, Saker, and Basalisk.
Lod. Giue fire, Lieutenant.
Bots. So, so: Must I venture first vpon the breach? to you
all, Gallants: Bots sets vpon you all.
Omnes. Its hard (Bots) if we pepper not you, as well as
2250you pepper vs.
Enter Candido.
Lod. My noble Linnen Draper! Some wine: Welcome
old Lad.
Mat. Y'are welcome, Signior.
2255Cand. These Lawnes, sir?
Mat. Presently, my man is gone for them: we ha rigged
a Fleet, you see here, to saile about the world.
Cand. A dangerous Voyage, sailing in such Ships.
Bots. There's no casting ouer boord yet.
2260Lod. Because you are an old Lady, I will haue you be ac-
quainted with this graue Cittizen, pray bestow your lips
vpon him, and bid him welcome.
Hors. Any Cittizen shall be most welcome to me:--- I
haue vsed to buy ware at your shop.
2265Cand. It may be so, good Madam.
Hors. Your Prentices know my dealings well; I trust
your good wife be in good case: if it please you, beare her a
token from my lips, by word of mouth.
Cand. I pray no more forsooth, 'tis very well, indeed I
2270loue no sweet meats:---Sh'as a breath stinkes worse then
fifty Polecats. Sir, a word, is she a Lady?
Lod. A woman of a good house, and an ancient, shee's a
Bawde.
Cand. A Bawde? Sir, Ile steale hence, and see your
2275Lawnes some other time.
Mat. Steale out of such company? Pacheco? my man is
but gone for em: Lieutenant Bots, drinke to this worthy old
fellow, and teach him to flie hie.
I Omnes.
The Honest Whore.
Omnes. Swagger: and make him doo't on his knees.
2280Cand. How, Bots? now blesse me, what doe I with Bots?
no wine in sooth, no wine, good Master Bots.
Bots. Gray-beard, Goats pizzle: 'tis a health, haue this
in your guts, or this, there: I will sing a bawdy song, sir, be-
cause your vergis face is melancholly, to make liquor goe
2285downe glib: will you fall on your maribones, and pledge
this health, 'tis to my Mistris, a whore?
Cand. Here's Ratsbane vpon Ratsbane: Master Bots, I
pray, sir, pardon me: you are a Soldier, presse me not to this
seruice, I am old, and shoot not in such pot-gunnes.
2290Bots. Cap, Ile teach you.
Cand. To drinke healths, is to drinke sicknesse: Gentle-
men, pray rescue me.
Bots. Zounds, who dare?
Omnes. We shall ha stabbing then?
2295Cand. I ha reckonings to cast vp, good Master Bots.
Bots. This will make you cast em vp better.
Lod. Why does your hand shake so?
Cand. The palsie, Signiors, danceth in my blood.
Bots. Pipe with a pox, sir, then, or Ile make your blood
2300dance----
Cand. Hold, hold, good Master Bots, I drinke.
Omnes. To whom?
Cand. To the old Countesse there.
Hors. To me, old Boy? this is he that neuer drunke wine:
2305once agen too't.
Cand. With much adoe the poison is got downe,
Tho I can scarce get vp; neuer before
Dranke I a whores health, nor will neuer more.
Enter Orlando with Lawnes.
2310Mat. Hast bin at Gallowes?
Orl. Yes, sir, for I make account to suffer to day.
Mat. Looke, Signior: here's the Commodity.
Cand. Your price?
Mat. Thus.
Cand
The Honest Whore.
2315Cand. No: too deare: thus.
Mat. No: O fie, you must slie higher: yet take em home,
trifles shall not make vs quarrell, we'll agree, you shall haue
them, and a penniworth, Ile fetch money at your shop.
Cand. Be it so, good Signior, send me going.
2320Mat. Going? a deepe bowle of wine for Signior Candido.
Orl. He wud be going.
Cand. Ile rather stay, then goe so: stop your Bowle.
Enter Constable and Bilmen.
Lod. How now?
2325Bots. Is't Shroue-tuesday, that these Ghosts walke.
Mat. What's your businesse, Sir?
Const. From the Duke: you are the man wee looke for,
Signior, I haue Warrant here from the Duke, to apprehend
you vpon fellony for robbing two Pedlers: I charge you
2330i'th Dukes name goe quickly.
Mat. Is the winde turn'd? well: this is that old Wolfe,
my Father-in-law: seeke out your Mistris, Sirra.
Orl. Yes, Sir: as shafts by piecing are made strong,
So shall thy life be straightned by this wrong. Exit.
2335Omnes. In troth we are sorry.
Mat. Braue men must bee crost, pish, it's but Fortunes
Dice rouing against me: Come, sir, pray vse me like a Gen-
tleman, let me not be carried through the streets like a Pa-
geant.
2340Const. If these Gentlemen please, you shall goe along
with them.
Omnes. Bee't so: come.
Const. What are you, sir?
Bots. I, sir? sometimes a figure, sometimes a cipher, as the
2345State has occasion to cast vp her accounts: I'm a Soldier.
Const. Your name is Bots, is't not?
Bots. Bots is my name, Bots is knowne to this Company.
Const. I know you are, Sir: what's she?
Bots. A Gentlewoman, my Mother.
2350Const. Take em both along.
I 2 Bots
The Honest Whore.
Bots. Me? Sirrr.
Billmen. And Sirrr.
Const. If he swagger, raise the street.
Bots. Gentlemen, Gentlemen, whither will you drag vs?
2355Lod. To the Garden house. Bots, are we euen with you?
Const. To Bridewell with em.
Bots. You will answer this. Exeunt.
Const. Better then a challenge, I haue warrant for my
worke, sir.
2360Lod. Wee'll goe before. Exeunt.
Const. Pray doe.
Who, Signior Candido? a Cittizen of your degree consorted
thus, and reuelling in such a house?
Cand. Why, sir? what house I pray?
2365Const. Lewd, and defamed.
Cand. Is't so? thankes, sir: I'm gone.
Const. What haue you there?
Cand. Lawnes which I bought, sir, of the Gentleman
that keepes the house.
2370Const. And I haue warrant here, to search for such stolne
Ware: these Lawnes are stolne.
Cand. Indeed!
Const. So he's the Thiefe, you the Receiuer: I'm sorry for
this chance, I must commit you.
2375Cand. Me, sir, for what?
Const. These Goods are found vpon you, and you must
answer't.
Cand. Must I so?
Const. Most certaine.
Cand. Ile send for Bayle.
2380Const.
I dare not: yet because you are a Cittizen of worth,
you shall not be made a pointing stocke, but without Guard
passe onely with my selfe.
Cand. To Bridewell too?
Const. No remedy.
2385Cand. Yes, patience: being not mad, they had mee once to
Bedlam,
Now
The Honest Whore.
Now I'm drawne to Bridewell, louing no Whores.
Const. You will buy Lawne?-- Exeunt.