The Honest Whore, Part 2 (Modern)

 462.2[1.3]
 1.3.0.1463[Servants bring in dinner table etc. for a wedding feast.] Enter Candido, Lodovico, [Astolfo], and Carolo, [1 Guest wearing a very tall, pointed hat], other 464Guests [wearing citizens’ caps], and [the] Bride with [Luke and other] Prentices. [The Gentlemen stand while the Bride and the Guests sit.]
 1.3.1465Candido
 O gentlemen, so late? You’re very welcome; 
 1.3.2466Pray sit down. 
 1.3.2.1[The Gentlemen sit down.]
 1.3.3467Lodovico
 Carolo, didst e’er see such a nest of caps?
 1.3.4468Astolfo
 Methinks 469it’s a most civil and most comely sight.
 1.3.5470Lodovico
 [Indicating 1 Guest] What does he i’th’ middle look like?
 1.3.6471Astolfo
 Troth, like a spire steeple in a country village 472overpeering so many thatched houses.
 1.3.7473Lodovico
 It’s, rather, a long pike-staff against so many 474bucklers without pikes; they sit for all the world like a pair of 475organs, and he’s the tall great roaring pipe i’th’ midst.
 1.3.8476Astolfo
 Ha, ha, ha, ha!
 1.3.9477Candido
 What’s that you laugh at, signors?
 1.3.10478Lodovico
 Troth, shall I tell you, and aloud I’ll tell it:
 1.3.11479We laugh to see – yet laugh we not in scorn – 
 1.3.12480Amongst so many caps that long hat worn.
 1.3.134811 Guest
 Mine is as tall a felt as any is this day in Milan; and 482therefore I love it, for the block was cleft out for my head, 483and fits me to a hair.
 1.3.14484Candido
 [To the Gentlemen] Indeed, you are good observers; it shows strange.
 1.3.15485But, gentlemen, I pray neither contemn
 1.3.16486Nor yet deride a civil ornament;
 1.3.17487I could build so much in the round cap’s praise
 1.3.18488That ’bove this high roof I this flat would raise.
 1.3.19489Lodovico
 Prithee, sweet bridegroom, do’t.
 1.3.20490Candido
 So all these guests will pardon me, I’ll do’t.
 1.3.21491Guests
 With all our hearts.
 492Candido
 With all our hearts.  [Raising his cap] Thus, then, in the cap’s honour.
 1.3.22493To every sex and state both nature, time,
 1.3.23494The country’s laws, yea, and the very clime
 1.3.24495Do allot distinct habits. The spruce courtier
 1.3.25496Jets up and down in silk; the warrior
 1.3.26497Marches in buff; the clown plods on in grey.
 1.3.27498But for these upper garments thus I say:
 1.3.28499The seaman has his cap, pared without brim;
 1.3.29500The gallant’s head is feathered – that fits him;
 1.3.30501The soldier has his morion; women ha’ tires;
 1.3.31502Beasts have their head-pieces, and men ha’ theirs.
 1.3.32503Lodovico
 Proceed.
 1.3.33504Candido
 Each degree has his fashion. It’s fit, then,
 1.3.34505One should be laid by for the citizen,
 1.3.35506And that’s the cap which you see swells not high,
 1.3.36507For caps are emblems of humility.
 1.3.37508It is a citizen’s badge, and first was worn
 1.3.38509By th’Romans. For when any bondman’s turn
 1.3.39510Came to be made a freeman, thus ’twas said,
 1.3.40511He to the cap was called – that is, was made
 1.3.41512Of Rome a freeman, but was first close shorn;
 1.3.42513And so a citizen’s hair is still short worn.
 1.3.43514Lodovico
 That close shaving made barbers a company, 515and now every citizen uses it.
 1.3.44516Candido
 Of geometric figures the most rare
 1.3.45517And perfect’st are the circle and the square.
 1.3.46518The city and the school much build upon
 1.3.47519These figures, for both love proportion.
 1.3.48520The city-cap is round, the scholar’s square,
 1.3.49521To show that government and learning are
 1.3.50522The perfect’st limbs i’th’ body of a state,
 1.3.51523For without them all’s disproportionate.
 1.3.52524If the cap had no honour, this might rear it:
 1.3.53525The reverend fathers of the law do wear it.
 1.3.54526It’s light for summer, and in cold it sits
 1.3.55527Close to the skull, a warm house for the wits.
 1.3.56528It shows the whole face boldly. ’Tis not made
 1.3.57529As if a man to look out were afraid,
 1.3.58530Nor like a draper’s shop with broad, dark shed;
 1.3.59531For he’s no citizen that hides his head.
 1.3.60532Flat caps as proper are to city gowns
 1.3.61533As to armours helmets, or to kings their crowns.
 1.3.62534Let, then, the city-cap by none be scorned,
 1.3.63535Since with it princes’ heads have been adorned.
 1.3.64536If more the round cap’s honour you would know,
 1.3.65537How would this long gown with this steeple show?
 1.3.65.1[He lays down his cap, and puts on 1 Guest’s hat.]
 1.3.66538All [but Candido]
 Ha, ha, ha! Most vile, most ugly!
 1.3.67539Candido
 [Returning the hat to 1 Guest]
 1.3.67.1Pray, signor, pardon me; ’twas done in jest.
 1.3.68540Bride
 [To Prentices] A cup of claret wine there!
 1.3.695411 Servingman
 Wine? Yes, forsooth, wine for the bride!
 1.3.69.1[He pours out a glass of red wine.]
 1.3.70542Carolo
 [To Candido] You ha’ well set out the cap, sir.
 1.3.71543Lodovico
 Nay, that’s flat.
 1.3.725441 Guest
 A health!
 1.3.73545Lodovico
 Since his cap’s round, that 546shall go round. Be bare,
 1.3.74547For in the cap’s praise all of you have share.
 1.3.74.1[They bare their heads. 1 Prentice offers] the Bride [sack in a cup. She] hits the Prentice on the lips.
 1.3.75548The bride’s at cuffs!
 1.3.76549Candido
 O, peace, I pray thee. Though far off I stand,
 1.3.77I spied the 550error of my servants;
 1.3.78She called for claret, and [To 1 Prentice] you filled out 551sack.
 1.3.79[Indicating the cup of sack] That cup give me: ’tis for an old man’s back,
 1.3.80And 552not for hers. Indeed, ’twas but mistaken – 
 1.3.81Ask all these 553else.
 554All [but 1 Prentice]
 Ask all these else.  No, faith, ’twas but mistaken.
 1.3.825551 Prentice
 Nay, she took it right enough.
 1.3.83556Candido
 [To Luke] Good Luke, reach her that glass of claret.
 1.3.83.1[Luke gives her the glass of red wine.]
 1.3.84557Here, Mistress Bride, pledge me there.
 558Bride
 Here, Mistress Bride, pledge me there.  Now I’ll none.
 1.3.84.1[She breaks the glass and] exit.
 1.3.85559Candido
 How now?
 1.3.86560Lodovico
 [To 1 Prentice] Look what your mistress ails.
 1.3.875611 Prentice
 Nothing, sir, but about filling a wrong glass – a scurvy 562trick.
 1.3.88563Candido
 I pray you, hold your tongue. – 
 1.3.89My servant there [Indicating Luke] tells 564me she is not well.
 1.3.90565All [but Candido]
 Step to her, step to her.
 1.3.91566Lodovico
 [To Candido] A word with you – do ye hear? This wench, your 567new wife, will take you down in your wedding shoes, 568unless you hang her up in her wedding-garters.
 1.3.92569Candido
 How, hang her in her garters?
 1.3.93570Lodovico
 Will you be a tame pigeon still? Shall your back 571be like a tortoise-shell, to let carts go over it yet not to 572break? This she-cat will have more lives than your last 573puss had, and will scratch worse and mouse you worse; 574look to’t.
 1.3.94575Candido
 What would you have me do, sir?
 1.3.95576Lodovico
 What would I have you do? Swear, swagger, 577brawl, fling! For fighting it’s no matter; we ha’ had knocking 578pusses enough already. You know that a woman was made of 579the rib of a man, and that rib was crooked. The moral of 580which is that a man must from his beginning be crooked 581to his wife. Be you like an orange to her: let her cut you never 582so fair, be you sour as vinegar. Will you be ruled by me?
 1.3.96583Candido
 In anything that’s civil, honest, and just.
 1.3.97584Lodovico
 Have you ever a prentice’s suit will fit me?
 1.3.98585Candido
 I have the very same which myself wore.
 1.3.99586Lodovico
 I’ll send my man for’t within this half hour, and 587within this two hours I’ll be your prentice. The hen shall 588not overcrow the cock; I’ll sharpen your spurs.
 1.3.100589Candido
 It will be but some jest, sir?
 1.3.101590Lodovico
 Only a jest. Farewell. – Come, Carolo.
 1.3.101.1Exeunt [Lodovico, Carolo, and Astolfo].
 1.3.102591Guests [other than Lodovico and his friends]
 We’ll take our leaves, sir, too.
 592Candido
 We’ll take our leaves, sir, too.  Pray conceit not ill
 1.3.103Of my wife’s sudden rising. 593This young knight,
 1.3.104Sir Lodovico, is deep seen in physic,
 1.3.105594And he tells me the disease called the mother
 1.3.106Hangs on my 595wife. It is a vehement heaving
 1.3.107And beating of the stomach, 596and that swelling 
 1.3.108Did with the pain thereof cramp up her 597arm;
 1.3.109That hit his lips, and brake the glass. No harm;
 1.3.110It was 598no harm!
 599Guests
 It was no harm!  No, signor, none at all.
 1.3.111600Candido
 The straightest arrow may fly wide by chance.
 1.3.112601But come, we’ll close this brawl up in some dance.
 1.3.112.1Exeunt.
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The Honest Whore, Part 2 (Modern)
