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  • Title: The Honest Whore, Part 1 (Quarto 2, 1604)
  • Editor: Joost Daalder
  • ISBN: 978-1-55058-490-5

    Copyright Digital Renaissance Editions. This text may be freely used for educational, non-profit purposes; for all other uses contact the Editor.
    Authors: Thomas Dekker, Thomas Middleton
    Editor: Joost Daalder
    Peer Reviewed

    The Honest Whore, Part 1 (Quarto 2, 1604)

    SCENA 7.
    1225 Enter Candido, his wife, George, and two Prentices in the
    shop: Fu stigo enters, walking by.
    Geor. See Gentlemen, what you lack? a fine Holland,
    a fine Cambrick, see what you buy.
    1. Pr. Holland for shirts, Cambrick for bands, what i st (you lack?
    1230 Fu st . Sfoot, I lack em all, nay more, I lack money to buy
    em: let me see, let me looke agen: ma s s e this is the shop;
    What Coz! sweet Coz! how do st ifayth, since la st night
    after candlelight? we had good sport ifayth, had we not?
    and when shals laugh agen?
    1235 Wi. When you will, Cozen.
    Fu st . Spoke like a kind Lacedemoniā: I see yonders thy (husband.
    Wi. I, ther's the sweet youth, God ble s s e him.
    Fu st . And how i st Cozen? & how? how i st thou squall?
    Wi. Well, Cozen, how fare you?
    1240 Fu st . How fare I? troth, for sixpence a meale, wench, as
    wel as heart can wi sh, with Calues chaldrons and chitter-
    lings, be sides I haue a Punck after supper, as good as a ro- ( sted Apple.
    Cand. Are you my wiues Cozen?
    Fu st . A am, sir, what ha st thou to do with that?
    1245 Cand. O, nothing but y'are welcome.
    Fu st . The Deuils dung in thy teeth: Ile be welcom whe-
    ther thou wilt or no, I: What Ring's this Coz? very pretty
    and fanta sticall ifayth, lets see it.
    Wife. Puh! nay you wrench my finger.
    1250 Fu st . I ha sworne Ile ha't, and I hope you wil not let my
    othes be crackt in the ring, wil you? I hope sir, you are not
    mallicolly at this for all your great lookes: are you angry?
    Cand. Angry? not I sir, nay, if she can part
    So ea sily with her Ring, tis with my heart.
    1255 Geo. Suffer this, sir, and suffer all, a whorson Gull to --,
    Can. Peace George, whē she has reapt what I haue sowne,
    Sheele say, one grayne ta stes better of her owne,
    Then whole sheaues gathered from anothers land:
    Wit's neuer good, til bought at a deare hand.
    1260 Geo. But in the meane time she makes an A s s e of some (body.
    2. Pren. See, see, see, sir, as you turne your backe, they
    do nothing but ki s s e.
    Cand. No matter, let 'em: when I touch her lip,
    I shall not feele his ki s s es, no nor mi s s e
    1265Any of her lips: no harme in ki s sing is.
    Looke to your bu sine s s e, pray make vp your wares.
    Fu st . Troth Coz, and well remembred, I would thou
    would st giue mee fiue yards of Lawne, to make my Punke
    some falling bands a the fa shiō, three falling one vpō ano-
    1270ther: for thats the new editiō now: she's out of linnen hor-
    ribly too, troth, sha's neuer a good smock to her back ney-
    ther, but one that has a great many patches in't, & that I'm
    fain to weare my selfe for want of shift too: prithee put me
    into holesome napery, & be stow some clean commodities
    1275vpō vs. Wife. Reach me those Cambricks & the Lawnes
    hither. Cand. What to doe, wife? to laui sh out my goods
    vpon a foole?
    Fu st . Foole! Sneales eate the foole, or Ile so batter your
    crowne, that it shall scarce go for fiue shillings.
    1280 2. Pr. Do you heare sir? y'are be st be quiet, & say a foole (tels you so.
    Fu st . Nailes, I think so, for thou tel st me.
    Can. Are you angry sir, because I namde the foole?
    Tru st me, you are not wise, in mine owne house,
    And to my face to play the Anticke thus:
    1285If youle needs play the mad man, choose a stage
    Of le s s er compa s s e, where few eyes may note
    Your actions errour; but if still you mi s s e,
    As heere you doe, for one clap, ten will hi s s e.
    Fu st . Zwounds Cozen, he talks to me, as if I were a scur-
    1290uy Tragedian.
    2. Pren. Sirra George, I ha thought vpon a deuice, how to
    breake his pate, beat him soundly, and ship him away.
    Geor. Doo't. 2. Pren. Ile go in, pa s s e through the house,
    giue some of our fellow Prentices the watch-word when
    1295they shall enter, then come and fetch my ma ster in by a
    wile, and place one in the hall to hold him in conference
    whil st we cudgell the Gul out of his coxcombe.
    Geor. Doo't, away, doo't.
    Wife. Mu st I call twice for these Cambricks & lawnes?
    1300 Cand. Nay see, you anger her, George, prithee dispatch.
    2. pr. Two of the choise st pieces are in the warehouse, sir.
    Cand. Go fetch them presently. Exit 1. prentice.
    Fu st . I, do, make ha ste, sirra.
    Cand. Why were you such a stranger all this while,
    1305being my wiues Cozen?
    Fu st . Stranger? no sir, Ime a naturall Millaner borne.
    Can. I perceyue still it is your naturall guise to mi stake
    me, but you are welcom sir, I much wi sh your acquaintāce.
    Fu st . My acquaintance? I scorne that ifayth; I hope, my
    1310acquaintance goes in chaines of gold three and fifty times
    double: you know who I meane, Coz, the po sts of his gate
    are a painting to. Enter the 2. Prentice.
    2. Pr. Signior Pandulfo the Marchāt de sires conference
    with you. Can. Signior Pandulfo? Ile be with him straight.
    1315Attend your mi stris and the Gentleman.
    Wife. When do you shew those pieces? Exit.
    Omn. Presently sir, presently, we are but charging thē.
    Fu st . Come sirra, you Flat-cap, where be these whites?
    Ge. Flat-cap? heark in your eare sir, yare a flat foole, an
    1320A s s e, a gull, & Ile thrum you: do you see this cambrick, sir?
    Fu st . Sfoot Coz, a good ie st, did you heare him? he told
    me in my eare, I was a flat foole, an A s s e, a Gull, and Ile
    thrumb you: doe you see this Cambrick sir?
    Wi. What, not my men, I hope?
    1325 Fu st . No, not your men, but one of your men ifayth.
    1. Pr. I pray sir, come hither, what say you to this? heres
    an excellent good one.
    Fu st . I marry, this likes me well, cut me off some halfe (score yards.
    2. Pr. Let your whores cut, yare an impudent coxcomb,
    1330you get none, & yet Ile thrum you.- A very good Cam-
    brick sir.
    Fu st . Agen, agen, as God iudge me: Sfoot, Coz, they
    stand thrūming here with me all day, & yet I get nothing.
    1. Pr. A word I pray sir, you mu st not be angry, prentices
    1335haue hote blouds, young fellowes,- What say you to this
    piece? looke you, tis so delicate, so soft, so euen, so fine a
    thrid, that a Lady may weare it.
    Fu st . Sfoot I thinke so, if a Knight marry my Punck, a
    Lady shall weare it: cut me off 20. yards: th'art an hone st (lad.
    1340 1. Pr. Not without mony, gull, & ile thrū you to.
    Omn. Gull, weele thrum you.
    Fu st . O Lord, si ster, did you not heare something cry
    thump? zounds your men here make a plaine A s s e of me.
    Wi. What, to my face so impudent?
    1345 Geor. I, in a cause so hone st, weele not suffer
    Our ma sters goods to vani sh monyle s s e.
    Wife. You will not suffer them.
    2. Pr. No, and you may blu sh,
    In going about to vex so mild a bre st,
    1350As is our ma sters. Wi. Take away those pieces.
    Cozen, I giue them freely.
    Fu st . Ma s s e, and Ile take em as freely.
    Om. Weele make you lay em down agen more freely.
    Wi. Help, help, my brother wilbe murdered. Enter Can.
    1355 Cand. How now, what coyle is here? forbeare, I say.
    Geor. He cals vs Flatcaps, and abuses vs.
    Can. Why, sirs? do such examples flow from me?
    Wi. They are of your keeping sir, alas poore brother.
    Fu st . I fayth they ha pepperd me, si ster: looke, doo st not
    1360 spin? call you these Prentices? Ile nere play at cards more
    whē clubs is trump: I haue a goodly coxcomb, si ster, haue (I not?
    Cand. Si ster and brother, brother to my wife.
    Fu st . If you haue any skill in Heraldry, you may soone
    know that, break but her pate, and you shal see her blood
    1365and mine is all one.
    Can. A Surgeon, run, a Surgeon: Why then wore you
    that forged name of Cozen?
    Fu st . Because its a common thing to call Coz, and Nin-
    gle now adayes all the world ouer.
    1370 Cand. Cozen! A name of much deceyt, folly and sin,
    For vnder that common abused word,
    Many an hone st tempred Cityzen
    Is made a mon ster, and his wife traynd out
    To foule adulterous action, full of fraud.
    1375I may well call that word, A Cities Bawd.
    Fu st . Troth, brother, my si ster would needs ha me take
    vpon me to gull your patience a little: but it has made
    double Gules on my coxcomb.
    Wife. What, playing the woman? blabbing now you (foole?
    1380 Cand. O, my wife did but exercise a ie st vpon your wit.
    Fu st . Sfoot, my wit bleeds for't, me thinks.
    Cand. Then let this warning more of sence afford.
    The name of Cozen is a bloudy word.
    Fn st . Ile nere call Coz agen whil st I liue, to haue such
    1385a coyle about it: this should be a Coronation day; for my
    head runnes Claret lu stily. Exit. Enter an Officer.
    Can. Go with the Surgeon to haue great respect.
    How now, my friend, what, do they sit to day?
    Off . Yes sir, they expect you at the Senate-house.
    1390 Can. I thāk your paines, Ile not be la st man there. Exit Off .
    My gowne, George, goe, my gowne. A happy land,
    Where graue men meet each cause to vnder stand,
    Whose consciences are not cut out in brybes,
    To gull the poore mans right: but in euen scales,
    1395Peize rich & poore, without corruptions veyles.
    Come, wheres the gowne? Ge. I cannot find the key sir.
    Cand. Reque st it of your mi stris.
    Wife. Come not to me for any Key.
    Ile not be troubled to deliuer it.
    1400 Cand. Good wife, kind wife, it is a needfull trouble,
    but for my Gowne.
    Wi. Mothes swallow downe your Gowne:
    You set my teeth an edge with talking on't.
    Cand. Nay prythee sweet, I cannot meet without it,
    1405I should haue a great Fyne set on my head.
    Wi. Set on your Coxcomb: tu sh, Fine me no Fines.
    Can. Beleeue me sweet, none greets the Senate-house,
    Without his Robe of reuerence, that's his Gowne.
    Wi. Well, then y'are like to cro s s e that cu stome once,
    1410You get nor key, nor gowne, and so depart:
    This trick will vexe him sure, and fret his heart. Exit.
    Cand. Stay, let me see, I mu st haue some deuice,
    My cloke's too short: fye, fye, no cloke will doo't:
    It mu st be something fa shioned like a Gowne,
    1415With my armes out: oh George, come hither George,
    I prythee lend me thine aduice.
    Geor. Truth sir, were it any but you, they would breake (open che st.
    Cand. O no, break open che st! thats a theeues office:
    Therein you counsell me again st my bloud:
    1420'Twould shew impatience that, any meeke meanes
    I would be glad to imbrace. Ma s s e, I haue got it:
    Go, step vp, fetch me downe one of the Carpets,
    The sadde st colourd Carpet, hone st George,
    Cut thou a hole ith middle for my necke,
    1425Two for mine armes, nay prythee looke not strange.
    Ge. I hope you doe not thinke sir, as you meane.
    Can. Prythee about it quickly, the houre chides me:
    Warily George, softly, take heed of eyes, Exit George.
    Out of two euils hee's accounted wise,
    1430That can pick out the lea st; the Fine imposde
    For an vngowned Senator, is about
    Forty Cruzadoes, the Carpet not 'boue foure.
    Thus haue I chosen the le s s er euill yet,
    Preseru'd my patience, foyld her desperate wit.
    1435 Geo. Here sir, heer's the Carpet. Enter George.
    Cand. O well done, George, weele cut it iu st ith mid st:
    Tis very well I thanke thee, helpe it on.
    Ge. It mu st come ouer your head, sir, like a wenches pe- (ticoate.
    Cand. Th'art in the right, good George, it mu st indeed.
    1440Fetch me a nightcap, for Ile gyrd it close,
    As if my health were queazy: twill show well,
    For a rude carele s s e night-gowne, wil't not, think st?
    Ge. Indifferent well, sir, for a night-gowne, being girt & (pleated.
    Cand. I, and a night-cap on my head.
    1445 Ge. Thats true sir, Ile run & fetch one, & a staffe. Exit Ge.
    Can. For thus they cannot chuse but con ster it,
    One that is out of health, takes no delight,
    Weares his apparell without appetite,
    And puts on heedles rayment without forme. Enter Geo.
    1450So, so, kind George, be secret now: & prithee do not laugh
    at me till Ime out of sight. Geor. I laugh? not I, sir.
    Cand. Now to the Senate-house:
    Methinks, Ide rather weare without a frowne,
    A patient Carpet, then an angry Gowne. Exit.
    1455 Ge. Now looks my M. iu st like one of our Carpet knights,
    only hee's somewhat the hone ster of the two. Enter Can- didoes wife.
    Wi. What, is your ma ster gone?
    Geo. Yes forsooth, his back is but new turnd.
    Wi. And in his cloke? did he not vexe and sweare?
    1460 Geo. No, but heele make you sweare anon: no indeed,
    he went away like a lambe.
    Wi. Key, sinke to hell: still patient, patient still!
    I am with child to vexe him: prythee George,
    If e're thou look st for fauour at my hands,
    1465Vphold one Ie st for me. Geor. Again st my ma ster?
    Wi. Tis a meere Ie st in fayth: say, wilt thou doo't?
    Geor. Well, what i st?
    Wi. Heere, take this key, thou know st where all things (lie,
    Put on thy ma sters be st apparell, Gowne,
    1470Chayne, Cap, Ruffe, euery thing, be like himselfe,
    And 'gayn st his comming home, walke in the shop,
    Fayne the same cariage, and his patient looke,
    'Twill breed but a ie st thou know st, speake, wilt thou?
    Geor. 'Twill wrong my ma sters patience.
    1475 Wi. Prythee George. Geor. Well, if youle saue me
    harmle s s e, and put me vnder couert barne, I am content to
    please you, prouided it may breed no wrong again st him.
    Wi. No wrong at all: here take the Key, be gone:
    If any vex him, this: if not this, none Exeunt.