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  • Title: The Honest Whore, Part 1 (Quarto 2, 1604)
  • Editor: Joost Daalder
  • ISBN: 978-1-55058-490-5

    Copyright Digital Renaissance Editions. This text may be freely used for educational, non-profit purposes; for all other uses contact the Editor.
    Authors: Thomas Dekker, Thomas Middleton
    Editor: Joost Daalder
    Peer Reviewed

    The Honest Whore, Part 1 (Quarto 2, 1604)

    Enter Fu stigo in some fanta stike Sea-suite at one
    doore, a Porter meets him at another.
    Fu st . How now porter, will she come?
    Porter If I may tru st a woman sir, she will come.
    165 Fu st . Theres for thy paines, godamercy, if ever I stand in
    neede of a wench that will come with a wet finger, Porter, thou
    shalt earne my mony before anie Clari s simo in Millane; yet so
    god sa mee shees mine owne si ster body and soule, as I am a
    chri stian Gentleman; farewell, ile ponder till shee come: thou
    170ha st bin no bawde in fetching this woman, I a s s ure thee.
    Porter No matter if I had sir, better men than Porters are
    bawdes.
    Fu st . O God sir, manie that have borne offices. But Por-
    ter, art sure thou went st into a true house?
    175 Porter I thinke so, for I met with no thieves.
    Fu st . Nay but arte sure it was my si ster Viola.
    Porter I am sure by all superscriptions it was the partie you (ciphered.
    Fu st . Not very tall.
    Porter Nor very lowe, a midling woman.
    180 Fu st . Twas she faith, twas she, a prettie plumpe cheeke like (mine.
    Porter At a blu sh, a little very much like you.
    Fu st . Gods so, I would not for a duckat she had kickt vp hir
    heeles, for I ha spent an abomination this voyage, marie I
    did it among st sailers and gentlemen: theres a little modicum
    185more porter for making thee stay, farewell hone st porter.
    Porter I am in your debt sir, God preserve you. Exit.
    Enter Viola.
    Fu. Not so neither, good porter, gods lid, yonder she coms.
    Si ster Viola, I am glad to see you stirring: its newes to have mee
    190heere, i st not si ster?
    Viola Yes tru st me: I wondred who should be so bolde to
    send for me, you are welcome to Millan brother.
    Fu st . Troth si ster I heard you were married to a verie rich
    chuffe, and I was very sorie for it, that I had no better clothes,
    195and that made me send: for you knowe wee Millaners love to
    strut vpon Spani sh leather. And how does all our friends?
    Viola Very well; you ha travelled enough now, I trowe, to
    sowe your wilde oates.
    Fu st . A pox on em; wilde oates, I ha not an oate to throw
    200at a horse, troth si ster I ha sowde my oates, and reapt 200.
    duckats if I had em, heere, mary I mu st intreate you to lend me
    some thirty or forty till the ship come, by this hand ile discharge
    at my day, by this hand.
    Viola These are your olde oaths.
    205 Fu st . Why si ster, doe you thinke ile forsweare my hand?
    Viola Well, well, you shall have them: put your selfe into
    better fa shion, because I mu st imploy you in a serious matter.
    Fu st . Ile sweare like a horse if I like the matter.
    Uiola You ha ca st off all your olde swaggering humours.
    210 Fu st . I had not sailde a league in that great fi sh-pond (the
    sea) but I ca st vp my very gall.
    Viola I am the more sory, for I mu st imploy a true swagge-
    rer.
    Fu st . Nay by this yron si ster, they shall finde I am powlder
    215and touch-box, if they put fire once into me.
    Uiola Then lend me your eares.
    Fu st . Mine eares are yours deere si ster.
    Uiola I am married to a man that haz wealth enough, and
    wit enough.
    220 Fu st . A linnen Draper I was tolde si ster.
    Viola Very true, a grave Cittizen; I want nothing that a
    wife can wi sh from a husband: but heeres the spite, hee haz
    not all things belonging to a man.
    Fu st: Gods my life, hees a very mandrake, or else (God ble s s e
    225vs,) one a these whiblins, and thats woorse, and then all the chil-
    dren that he gets lawfully of your body si ster, are ba stards by
    a statute.
    Vio. O you runne over me too fa st brother; I have heard it
    often said, that he who cannot be angry, is no man. I am sure
    230my husband is a man in print, for all things else, save onely in
    this, no tempe st can move him.
    Fu st . Slid, would he had beene at sea with vs, hee should ha
    beene movde and movde agen, for Ile be sworne la, our drun-
    ken ship reelde like a Dutchman.
    235 Viola No lo s s e of goods can increase in him a wrinckle, no
    crabbed language make his countenance sowre, the stubburn-
    nes of no servant shake him, he haz no more gall in him than a
    Dove, no more sting than an Ant: Mu sitian will he never bee,
    (yet I finde much mu sicke in him,) but he loves no frets, and is
    240 so free from anger, that many times I am readie to bite off my
    tongue, because it wants that vertue which all womens tongues
    have (to anger their hu bands:) Brother, mine can by no thun-
    der turne him into a sharpenes.
    Fu st . Belike his blood si ster, is well brewd then.
    245 Uiola I prote st to thee Fu stigo, I love him mo st affecti-
    onately, but I know not ---- I ha such a tickling with-
    in mee ---- such a strange longing; nay, verily I doo
    long.
    Fu stigo Then y'are with childe si ster; by all signes and
    250tokens; nay, I am partly a Phi sitian, and partly something
    else. I ha read Albertus Magnus, and Ari stotles em-
    blemes.
    Uiola Y'are wide ath bow hand still brother: my longings
    are not wanton, but wayward: I long to have my patient hus-
    255band eate vp a whole Porcupine, to the intent, the bri stling
    quills may sticke about his lips like a flemi sh mu stacho, and be
    shot at mee: I shall be leaner than the new Moone, vnle s s e I
    can make him horne mad.
    Fu st: Sfoote halfe a quarter of an houre does that: make him
    260a cuckold.
    Wife: Puh, he would count such a cut no vnkindenes.
    Fu st . The hone ster Cittizen he; then make him drunke and
    cut off his beard.
    Wife Fie, fie, idle, idle, hee's no French-man to fret at the
    265lo s s e of a little scalde haire. No brother, thus it shall be, you mu st
    be secret.
    Fu: As your Mid-wife I prote st si ster, or a Barber-surgeon.
    Wife Repaire to the Tortoys heere in S. Chri stophers streete,
    I will send you mony; turne your selfe into a brave man: in steed
    270of the armes of your mi stris, let your sword and your militarie
    scarfe hang about your necke.
    Fu st . I mu st have a great Horse-mans French feather too
    si ster.
    Wife O, by any meanes to shew your light head, else your
    275hat will sit like a coxcombe: to be briefe, you mu st bee in all
    points a mo st terrible wide-mouth'd swaggerer:
    Fu st: Nay, for swaggering points let me alone.
    Wife Resort then to our shop, & (in my husbands presence)
    ki s s e me, snatch rings, jewells, or any thing, so you give it backe
    280agen brother in secret.
    Fu st: By this hand si ster.
    Wife Sweare as if you came but new from knight-
    ing.
    Fu st . Nay, ile sweare after 400. a yeare.
    285 Wife Swagger worse then a Lievetenant among fre sh water
    souldiers, call me your love, your yngle, your coosen, or so; but
    si ster at no hand.
    Fu st : No, no, it shall be coosen, or rather cuz, thats the gul-
    ling word betweene the Cittizens wives & their mad-caps,
    290that man em to the garden; to call you one a my naunts si ster,
    were as good as call you arrant whoore: no, no, let me alone to
    cosen you rarely.
    Wife H'az heard I have a brother, but never saw him, there-
    fore put on a good face.
    295 Fu st : The be st in Millan I warrant.
    Wife Take vp wares, but pay nothing, rifle my bosome, my
    pocket, my purse, the boxes for mony to dice with all; but bro-
    ther, you mu st give all backe agen in secret.
    Fu stigo By this welkin that heere roares I will, or else
    300let mee never know what a secret is: why si ster do you thinke
    Ile cunni-catch you, when you are my coosen, Gods my life,
    then I were a starke A s s e; if I fret not his guts, beg me for a
    foole.
    Wife Be circumspect, and do so then, farewell.
    305 Fu st : The Tortoys si ster! Ile stay there; fortie duckats. Exit.
    Wife Thither Ile send: this law can none deny,
    Women mu st have their longings, or they die. Exit.