The Honest Whore, Part 1 (Modern)

 1960[4.3]
 4.3.0.1Enter [Viola], Candidoʼs Wife, in her shop, and the 1961two Prentices.
 4.3.11962Viola
 Whatʼs oʼclock now?
 19632 Prentice
 Whatʼs oʼclock now?  ʼTis almost twelve.
 1964Viola
 Whatʼs oʼclock now? ʼTis almost twelve.  Thatʼs well.
 4.3.21965The Senate will leave wording presently. 
 4.3.31966But is George ready?
 19672 Prentice
 But is George ready?  Yes, forsooth, heʼs furbished.
 4.3.41968Viola
 Now, as you ever hope to win my favour,
 4.3.51969Throw both your duties and respects on him
 4.3.61970With the like awe as if he were your master.
 4.3.71971Let not your looks betray it with a smile
 4.3.81972Or jeering glance to any customer;
 4.3.91973Keep a true settled countenance, and beware
 4.3.101974You laugh not, whatsoever you hear or see.
 4.3.1119752 Prentice
 I warrant you, mistress, let us alone for keeping our 1976countenance; for if I list, thereʼs never a fool in all Milan shall 1977make me laugh, let him play the fool never so like an ass, 1978whether it be the fat court fool or the lean city fool.
 4.3.121979Viola
 Enough, then; call down George.
 19802 Prentice
 Enough, then; call down George.  I hear him coming.
 4.3.12.11981Enter George [wearing Candidoʼs best apparel].
 4.3.131982Viola
 [To the Prentices] Be ready with your legs, then; let me see
 4.3.141983How courtʼsy would become him. [The Prentices curtsy.] Gallantly!
 4.3.151984[Commenting on George] Beshrew my blood, a proper, seemly man,
 4.3.161985Of a choice carriage, walks with a good port.
 4.3.171986George
 I thank you, mistress. My backʼs broad enough, now 1987my masterʼs gownʼs on.
 4.3.181988Viola
 Sure, I should think it were the least of sin
 4.3.191989To mistake the master, and to let him in.
 4.3.201990George
 ʼTwere a good comedy of errors, that, iʼfaith.
 4.3.2119912 Prentice
 Whist, whist, my master!
 4.3.221993Viola
 You all know your tasks.
 4.3.22.11992Enter Candido, [wearing the carpet as before. He stares at George], and exit presently.
 4.3.23
 Godʼs my life, whatʼs that 1994he has got uponʼs back? Who can tell?
 4.3.241995George
 [Aside] That can I, but I will not.
 4.3.251996Viola
 Girt about him like a madman. What? Has he lost 1997his cloak, too? This is the maddest fashion that eʼer I saw. 1998What said he, George, when he passed by thee?
 4.3.261999George
 Troth, mistress, nothing: not so much as a bee, he did 2000not hum; not so much as a bawd, he did not hem; not so 2001much as a cuckold, he did not ha. Neither hum, hem, nor ha – 2002only stared me in the face, passed along, and made haste in, as if 2003my looks had worked with him to give him a stool.
 4.3.272004Viola
 Sure heʼs vexed now; this trick has moved his spleen.
 4.3.282005Heʼs angered now, because he uttered nothing,
 4.3.292006And wordless wrath breaks out more violent.
 4.3.302007Maybe heʼll strive for place, when he comes down;
 4.3.312008But if thou lovʼst me, George, afford him none.
 4.3.322009George
 Nay, let me alone to play my masterʼs prize, as long as 2010my mistress warrants me. Iʼm sure I have his best clothes 2011on, and I scorn to give place to any that is inferior in 2012apparel to me. Thatʼs an axiom, a principle, and is observed as much 2013as the fashion. Let that persuade you, then, that Iʼll shoulder 2014with him for the upper hand in the shop, as long as this 2015chain will maintain it.
 4.3.332016Viola
 Spoke with the spirit of a master, though with the 2017tongue of a prentice.
 4.3.33.12018Enter Candido like a prentice.
 4.3.342019
 Why, how now, madman? What, in your tricksy coats?
 4.3.352020Candido
 O peace, good mistress.
 4.3.35.12021Enter Crambo and Poh.
 4.3.362022
 [To them] See what you lack! What isʼt you buy? Pure calicoes, fine 2023hollands, choice cambrics, neat lawns. See what you 2024buy. Pray come near. My master will use you well; he can 2025afford you a pennyworth.
 4.3.372026Viola
 Ay, that he can – out of a whole piece of lawn, iʼfaith.
 4.3.382027Candido
 Pray see your choice here, gentlemen.
 4.3.392028Viola
 O fine fool! What, a madman? A patient madman? 2029Who ever heard of the like? Well, sir, Iʼll fit you and your 2030humour presently. What, cross-points? Iʼll untie ʼem all in a trice. 2031Iʼll vex you, faith! Boy, take your cloak; quick, come! 
 4.3.39.1Exit [with 1 Prentice].
 4.3.39.2[George takes off his hat to Candido.]
 4.3.402032Candido
 Be covered, George. This chain and welted gown
 4.3.412033Bare to this coat? Then the worldʼs upside-down.
 4.3.422034George
 Umh, umh, hum.
 4.3.432035Crambo
 [Aside to Poh] Thatʼs the shop, and thereʼs the fellow. [Indicating Candido in his prentice-coat.]
 4.3.442036Poh
 Ay, but the master is walking in there.
 4.3.452037Crambo
 No matter; weʼll in.
 4.3.462038Poh
 ʼSblood, dost long to lie in limbo?
 4.3.472039Crambo
 An limbo be in hell, I care not.
 4.3.482040Candido
 [To them] Look you, gentlemen, your choice. Cambrics?
 4.3.492041Crambo
 No, sir, some shirting.
 4.3.502042Candido
 You shall.
 4.3.512043Crambo
 Have you none of this striped canvas for doublets?
 4.3.522044Candido
 None striped, sir; but plain.
 4.3.5320452 Prentice
 I think there be one piece striped within.
 4.3.542046George
 Step, sirrah, and fetch it; hum, hum, hum.
 4.3.54.1[Exit 2 Prentice, and returns presently with the piece.]
 4.3.552047Candido
 Look you, gentlemen, Iʼll make but one 2048spreading. Hereʼs a piece of cloth, fine, yet shall wear like iron. ʼTis 2049without fault. Take this; upon my word, ʼtis without fault.
 4.3.562050Crambo
 Then ʼtis better than you, sirrah.
 4.3.572051Candido
 Ay, and a number more. O, that each soul
 4.3.582052Were but as spotless as this innocent white,
 4.3.592053And had as few breaks in it!
 2054Crambo
 And had as few breaks in it!  ʼTwould have some, then,
 4.3.60There was a fray here last 2055day in this shop.
 4.3.612056Candido
 There was, indeed, a little flea-biting.
 4.3.622057Poh
 A gentleman had his pate broke. Call you that but 2058a flea-biting?
 4.3.632059Candido
 He had so.
 4.3.642060Crambo
 Zounds, do you stand inʼt? He strikes him.
 4.3.652061George
 ʼSfoot, clubs, clubs! Prentices, down with ʼem! Ah, you 2062rogues, strike a citizen inʼs shop?
 4.3.65.1[Enter several Prentices with clubs. They strike Crambo and Poh, and disarm them.]
 4.3.662063Candido
 None of you stir, I pray. Forbear, good George.
 4.3.672064Crambo
 [To Candido] I beseech you, sir, we mistook our marks.
 4.3.68Deliver 2065us our weapons.
 4.3.692066George
 [To Candido] Your head bleeds, sir. Cry clubs.
 4.3.702067Candido
 I say you shall not. Pray be patient;
 4.3.712068Give them their weapons. [George complies.]
 Give them their weapons. [George complies.]  [To Crambo and Poh] Sirs, youʼre best be gone.
 4.3.722069I tell you here are boys more tough than bears;
 4.3.732070Hence, lest more fists do walk about your ears.
 4.3.742071Crambo and Poh
 We thank you, sir.
 4.3.74.1Exeunt [Crambo and Poh].
 2072Candido
 We thank you, sir.  [To George] You shall not follow them.
 4.3.752073Let them alone, pray. This did me no harm.
 4.3.762074Troth, I was cold, and the blow made me warm;
 4.3.772075I thank ʼem forʼt. Besides, I had decreed
 4.3.782076To have a vein pricked. I did mean to bleed,
 4.3.792077So that thereʼs money saved. They are honest men;
 4.3.802078Pray use ʼem well when they appear again.
 4.3.812079George
 Yes, sir, weʼll use ʼem like honest men.
 4.3.822080Candido
 Ay, well said, George, like honest men, though they be 2081arrant knaves, for thatʼs the phrase of the city. Help to lay up 2082these wares.
 4.3.82.12083Enter [Viola], Candidoʼs Wife, with Officers.
 4.3.832084Viola
 [Indicating Candido] Yonder he stands.
 4.3.8420851 Officer
 What, in a prentice-coat?
 4.3.852086Viola
 Ay, ay, mad, mad. Pray take heed.
 4.3.862087Candido
 [To George and the Prentices] How now? What news with them? What make they 2088with my wife? Officers? Is she attached? Look to your wares.
 4.3.872089Viola
 He talks to himself. O, heʼs much gone indeed!
 4.3.8820901 Officer
 Pray pluck up a good heart; be not so fearful. [To his men] 2091Sirs, hark; weʼll gather to him by degrees. 
 4.3.892092Viola
 Ay, ay, by degrees, I pray. O me! What makes he with 2093the lawn in his hand? Heʼll tear all the ware in my shop.
 4.3.9020941 Officer
 Fear not; weʼll catch him on a sudden.
 4.3.912095Viola
 O you had need do so; pray take heed of your warrant.
 4.3.9220961 Officer
 I warrant, mistress. – Now, Signor Candido?
 4.3.932097Candido
 Now, sir, what news with you, sir?
 4.3.942098Viola
 ‘What news with you?ʼ he says. O, heʼs far gone!
 4.3.9520991 Officer
 [To her] I pray, fear nothing. Letʼs alone with him. – 
 4.3.962100Signor, you look not like yourself, methinks.
 4.3.96.12101[Aside to his men]
 4.3.97Steal you oʼtʼ other side.
 Steal you oʼtʼ other side.  [To Candido] Youʼre changed, youʼre altered.
 4.3.982102Candido
 Changed, sir? Why, true, sir. Is change strange? ʼTis not 2103the fashion unless it alter: monarchs turn to beggars, 2104beggars creep into the nests of princes, masters serve their 2105prentices, ladies their servingmen, men turn to women.
 4.3.9921061 Officer
 And women turn to men.
 4.3.1002107Candido
 Ay, and women turn to men. You say true, ha, ha! A 2108mad world, a mad world.
 4.3.100.1[Officers seize Candido]
 4.3.10121091 Officer
 Have we caught you, sir?
 4.3.1022110Candido
 Caught me? [Laughing] Well, well, you have caught me.
 4.3.1032111Viola
 [To 1 Officer] He laughs in your faces.
 4.3.1042112George
 A rescue, prentices! My masterʼs catchpoled.
 4.3.10521131 Officer
 I charge you, keep the peace or have your legs 2114gartered with irons. We have from the Duke a warrant strong 2115enough for what we do.
 4.3.1062116Candido
 [To George and the Prentices] I pray, rest quiet; I desire no rescue.
 4.3.1072117Viola
 La, he desires no rescue. ʼLas, poor heart,
 4.3.1082118He talks against himself.
 2119Candido
 He talks against himself.  [To 1 Officer] Well, whatʼs the matter?
 4.3.10921201 Officer
 [To his men as they bind Candido] Look to that arm;
 4.3.1102121Pray make sure work, double the cord.
 2122Candido
 Pray make sure work, double the cord.  Why, why?
 4.3.1112123Viola
 Look how his head goes! Should he get but loose,
 4.3.1122124O, ʼtwere as much as all our lives were worth.
 4.3.11321251 Officer
 Fear not; weʼll make all sure, for our own safety.
 4.3.1142126Candido
 Are you at leisure now? Well, whatʼs the matter?
 4.3.1152127Why do I enter into bonds thus, ha?
 4.3.11621281 Officer
 Because youʼre mad, put fear upon your wife.
 4.3.1172129Viola
 O, ay, I went in danger of my life every minute.
 4.3.1182130Candido
 What? Am I mad, say you, and I not know it?
 4.3.11921311 Officer
 That proves you mad, because you know it not.
 4.3.1202132Viola
 Pray talk as little to him as you can:
 4.3.1212133You see heʼs too far spent.
 2134Candido
 You see heʼs too far spent.  Bound with strong cord!
 4.3.1222135A sisters thread, iʼfaith, had been enough
 4.3.1232136To lead me anywhere. – Wife, do you long?
 4.3.1242137You are mad too, or else you do me wrong.
 4.3.1252138George
 But are you mad indeed, master?
 4.3.1262139Candido
 My wife says so,
 4.3.1272140And what she says, George, is all truth, you know.
 4.3.1282141[To 1 Officer] And whither now? To Bethlem Monastery?
 4.3.129Ha? Whither?
 21421 Officer
 Ha? Whither?  Faith, eʼen to the madmenʼs pound.
 4.3.1302143Candido
 OʼGodʼs name! Still I feel my patience sound.
 4.3.130.1Exeunt [Officers with Candido].
 4.3.1312144George
 [To Prentices] Come, weʼll see whither he goes. If the master be 2145mad, we are his servants, and must follow his steps; weʼll 2146be madcaps too. – Farewell, mistress; you shall have us all in 2147Bedlam.
 4.3.131.1Exeunt [George and Prentices].
 4.3.1322148Viola
 I think I haʼ fitted now you and your clothes.
 4.3.1332149If this moves not his patience, nothing can;
 4.3.1342150Iʼll swear then I have a saint, and not a man. 
 4.3.134.1Exit.
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The Honest Whore, Part 1 (Modern)
